Wondering if he'll cheat again

[JaneyJimplin]

I'm posting here because I'm not sure what to do in real life.

My OH had an affair about 18m ago with a work colleague. In the aftermath of me finding out, he transferred to a different branch of his work , coincidentally she also moved abroad, so that's def over. We had counselling, he was remorseful, yadda yadda. Things have mostly been ok since.

I've been paranoid about another work colleague for a while. He works with many women, but I guess it's the little things that have alerted me. The mentionitis. He also once said to me how proud he was of her: she had started out as as a junior and worked her way up to management at a relatively young age. The comment rankled at the time but I couldn't place why, until I read a MN thread about another husband overly invested in a female work colleague's achievements, and someone insightful pointed out something along the lines of "but they're never that interested in Keith from accounts, are they?" and I realised it rankled because he is only ~interested~ proud because she's young, female, and attractive.

Fortunately for me, she got promoted again and so moved to another branch. Great, I thought - no reason for them to mingle.

Today we were driving to the airport to go on holiday and his phone rang. He has his hands free automatically connected to his car so the caller shows up on the media screen. Phone rings, we both see her name on the screen, he rejects the call (not entirely unusual when the kids are in the car, as they're noisy). A moment passes, and he says "that's the second time she's called me, I hope nothing is up" (as in work issues).
This evening I've snooped at his phone and seen the following WhatsApp exchange:

Him : all ok?
Her : yes, just calling to say have fun on your holiday and be careful!! X (It's an activity holiday)
Him : thanks. Meet up for a coffee and catch up when I'm back x

Am I wrong to think this might be heading somewhere beyond professional relations?

My gut is saying this is just a flirtation, bordering on inappropriate friendship, with a potential to grow in to another affair. I might be being paranoid because of history, but his modus operandi is definitely attractive young junior colleague who fawns over him.

If he does it again, we will be finished. I'd like to nip it in the bud before it reaches that stage.

How do I proceed? Tell him I've snooped and he better wind his dick in before things go too far? He might deny and act the victim and then just hide things better. Or do I visit her branch and tell her to back off? Downside is I'll look crazy (justified tbh) and embarrass him professionally. Or do I do nothing and stew... or something else?

What would you do?

In anticipation of all the LTB comments: our kids have SEN and wouldn't be right at this stage for them to have us separate. My goal.is to keep us as this ~somewhat~ happy family unit for as long as possible for them.

Protect your DC by leaving of your own accord, where you are in charge and you decided.

Don’t wait till he meets another OW and fucks off out of the blue.

It's no way to leave op living you're life wondering and worrying about every female that comes into contact with him.

OP - from your description he is the type that would cheat again if he could get away with it.

Unfortunately I’ve seen so many men like that in the offices I used to work. One particular man was chasing me for years. 20 years older, he was in his 50ies with a wife and grown up children. Everyone saw he was looking at me in an inappropriate way and I wasn’t the only one he was interested in. He was buying me chocolates and little other gifts, fortunately I had my head firmly planted on my shoulders and I was avoiding him. He had a bad reputation as in he had affairs over the years with different women that worked in our office. Gossip was going around that IT found inappropriate messages on work phones etc. etc.

If I were you I’d find it extremely hard to live with someone that could cheat so easily. The suspicions would eat me alive and make me very ill. If you want to stay for the children for now then I’d suggest letting go, (there is no way you could possibly control everything he is doing), accept he is a bit of a sleaze and prepare for the time you think you could leave him. I’d speak with a solicitor and plan the future.

Really sorry how this is looking.

If you won't physically leave because of the kids, start detaching yourself emotionally from him, just to protect yourself.

Sounds like a miserable way to live. And yes, I agree with everyone else. He's either lining her up or already having an affair. I don't put kisses on the end of messages to work colleagues...

You shouldn’t have to stop him before it gets to that stage, he is married to YOU! He should have some self control and love and respect you enough to stay away from her... how little do you value yourself to have to do this? You are worth way more than this life

There is nothing that you can do that will end the torment of distrust and the damage it will do to you in the long run.

If you go nuclear as some have suggested, he will simply lay off for a bit and go underground. Then you will never know.

If you try and talk to him reasonably he will likely deny there is anything to worry about, refuse to see the problem or pretend you're right, he's sorry - then go underground.

A person who has understood the devastation caused by an affair should know they cannot be meeting female work colleagues for a 'coffee' and ending messages with a kiss.

To have gone through all that and have him behave in such a flippant way is a sign of his deep lack of empathy, responsibility and worse, a sign of intractable duplicity.

There are men who do what they have to do to 'keep the wife happy' and then do as impulse/desire directs them. It's an occupational hazard of being a guy.

Personally, I think someone who has an affair while their partner is at home with their young children is scum. How cruel can you be?

This is no way to live.

I am thinking along the lines of preparing for the time our marriage ends, because I'm pretty sure now that it will end.

I'm starting to think about what I can retrain as to ensure I can have a reasonably well paid job in the future, but still have school holidays off and be there for my children around school hours etc.

I've got an undergraduate arts degree that I've never used, but presumably I could do a post graduate qualification in something. Any ideas? Teaching is the obvious choice, although it doesnt appeal much tbh, but needs must. I've previously thought of training as a social worker, as I've worked in that field before in an admin role and it interests me, but I'm not sure that would be good for home/life balance.
I'm rubbish at maths, so accountancy would be a bad idea.

Actually I think you should do the opposite. Let him be - see if he is really committed to you or he pursues this woman and then you really know where you stand. I get that you are making an effort for the kids - but its your life and you are a role model for them. You will not be living your best live / be able to be the happiest you can be if you are always living in fear. Not good for your mental or physical health. YOU have a right to a nice life too you know.

I don’t know what to say to you op. It sounds like as one OW clears off the scene, he lines up the next. I doubt he’s going to change.
You aren’t yet ready to leave him, fair enough.
So, if I was in your shoes I’d do exactly what you’re suggesting; play the long game. Sideline him and your love for him (easier said than done, I know). Instead, concentrate on what you want in the future for yourself and your children. Figure out how you will get there (training, saving, whatever) then begin to put it into action. You need to protect yourself.

I'm glad to see that you've opened your eyes OP. I truly dont believe "once a cheat, always a cheat' is just a stupid saying. I, unfortunately, know a lot of cheaters and every single one has done it again.

Would teaching adults appeal more to you? Evening classes and things like that. Not exactly a massive money maker though.

That’s a good plan OP. You need to get your husband to step up and do more childcare now, as you have done the brunt of it for years to facilitate his career, now it’s his turn. Also look at paid childcare.

Do your research on possible career options, it’s wider than teaching and SW. Teaching isn’t the kind of career to go into because you can’t think of anything better, you need to be really motivated.

There's you OP, worrying about your children with SEN and the impact if you separate.
Your "d"h doesn't give a sh*t. Only thinks of himself.
Says it all really.

FairytaleOfWigan - I agree. I just dont think I'd make a good teacher, I'm not that kind of person, and I doubt it's the kind of thing you can fake your way through (and the pupils obviously deserve someone totally invested).

I will spend some time thinking about what professional qualification I could get over the next couple of years that would make me employable.

Have you thought about doing SEN support at a secondary school? My friend trained as a TA and now specialises in this. Or with your admin background you could be a school secretary.

You should end this farce of a marriage but I think that if you’re adamant about staying with him, you’ll just have to turn a blind eye and try to live with it rather than trying to control the uncontrollable. Always be prepared for him to fall for someone and leave though - things may not work to your timetable. So get everything in order for a worst case scenario ie an unexpected, premature split. Good luck.

You sound like a very thoughtful person OP and I wish you all good luck. I'm with others that you may not be helping yourself or your DC to stay in a relationship that isn't working. Your best way of protecting them is to stay as civilised and cooperative as you can with DH. I think Civil Service may do term time contracts. You can sign up for job alerts. Good luck

Stopping this one woman isn't going to be a long-term fix of the issue for you.. there's thousands of pretty women out there - are you going to constantly spend your entire life acting as surveillance? If it isn't this women, it'll be another one. You'll be constantly paranoid and on edge.

You'll always be employed as a social worker. Lots of jobs.

What type of flexibility would you need?

I don't think your H ever feared that you would leave him...and without any consequences...chances are he will do it again.

He hasn't instilled appropriate boundaries following the affair.

I suggest you live your life...you take time out for yourself.... ensure he steps up as a parent.

Be the best version of yourself for you. Having your own zest for life makes one an interesting person, that others like to be around.