I called DP's counselling bollocks

[MyMumisMarv]

I hope I don't appear unsympathetic to depression - I'm open to being completely wrong and learning something.

Also, I've been depressed and anxious myself and had treatment and I understand everyone is different, but for some reason I am feeling more frustration and scepticism with my partner.

Background: my DP of five years lost his business a couple of months ago and has had to go bankrupt. Horrible experience, not least because much of it was due to his mismanagement and covering up of finances. Since then, he's yet to find work (he could have had a couple of basic jobs by now) and he's been missing job interviews and lying about it. He's been relying on the support of me and his parents. He's been lying about other things too - a bad habit that I've caught him doing frequently during our relationship.

A couple of weeks ago, I told him to move out. He did for a few days. He came back when we sorted things out. He wanted to go back to a counsellor he saw before we met who apparently helped him with his lying.

We were talking about how he's doing last night. I picked up on the fact they don't seem to be addressing his lying problem (the reason we're here) but they are just talking about his grieving process from losing his business.

He said that's because of his depression, which came as a surprise to me as although I've known it has been stressful, on a day to day basis he has seemed fine, not depressed.

He said its holding him back in getting a job, yet won't go to the doctors for medication to improve this.

He said he and his counsellor think he has been bottling up his feelings about what has happened and its all tangles up in a web of very low self worth and self loathing and a myriad of emotions that he is too afraid to feel because he doesn't want to 'hold the mirror up to himself' .

He said he isn't ready to 'open that door yet' and he doesn't feel he will be able to move past everything until he does. He said he's just too scared to deal with his feelings.

I understand why he would feel depressed and that there has been a lot of stress and he's had a huge knock to his confidence, but I don't understand much of what he was talking about or what it has to do with the price of butter.

At the end of the conversation, we hugged and he thanked me for trying to understand and not forcing him to 'face his fears' when he's not ready to.

That just felt a bit too dramatic for me and at that point I just said oh come off it! This is bollocks. I get why you feel shit but what's there to face? You need to get a job so you're going to have to.

He told me I had handled it very wrongly, what I said was deeply unfair and unfeeling and 'shaming' and made him feel like I just thought he was being stupid and weak.

I guess I just don't understand the language he's used? It just feels like excuses to not get a job and for why he's been lying. Maybe it's because I ve been losing respect for him because of his lying so Im not treating him as gently as I should?

Am I being unsympathetic? I'm happy to be flamed if I deserve it

Cross posted!
Thank you

X-posted, check bottom of page 3!

My professional training is in a similar field, I guess is why i have come to that conclusion, i.e. that nature of lying and distance from facing reality. Its complex and deep, not something I'd have expected a counsellor to tackle.

The first step, like anything, is taking responsibility for it, which he sounds like hes stepped back from, after getting too uncomfortable getting near anything with a counsellor.

He might also sense the counsellor doesnt have the depth. Doesn't talk on the right level for him to feel sufficient faith in continuing with. He probably has parts of him protecting his personality so will resist this.

Your focus on his ‘issues’ are a cop out to dealing with your own. What were the things that were ‘sorted’ that made you take him back? When you’ve reached your level of cynicism and contempt (justified or unjustified) its time to go.

The poisonous back and forth isn’t helping anybody. You have a choice and you need to ask yourself why do you keep making the choice to stay in a relationship with someone you’re now not even pretending to like.

it just feels like there's always an excuse not to do what he needs to do (and always has been) Now he can't effectively get a job or tell the truth because he's scared to face feelings. I just think, just face them and get it over with if that's what you need to do.

I agree OP

But are you facing your feelings about the relationship? You know he's not going to change any time soon if at all. You know the relationship isn't working - yet you've taken him back.

I wonder if your inability to end the relationship and face the truth is holding your life back

Well that's it in a nutshell isn't it OP. You've also faced challenges but havent been able to wallow because your DD still needs caring for and the bills still need to be paid. Your relationship isn't equal because you've had to get yourself back out there to support your household whereas he doesn't seem concerned about that (because he knows he can have a moan and you'll do it). Yet with all the effort you put in he still feels hard done by.

Don't waste your time trying to work out whether he is depressed or not or just how depressed he is- you can never really know.

All you can know is that this relationship gives you very little. He seems like take take take and it's time to send him home to his parents and look after you and your DD.
You can do better and he happier than this on your own.

There are a number of separate issues here. Lying is completely separate and means loss of trust.

The woe is me victim card still doesn't explain why he is not ready yet to address the issues/feelings. Why go to counselling if you aren't ready?

Thanks again everyone, it's really helping to see things clearly.

*Your focus on his ‘issues’ are a cop out to dealing with your own. What were the things that were ‘sorted’ that made you take him back? When you’ve reached your level of cynicism and contempt (justified or unjustified) its time to go.

The poisonous back and forth isn’t helping anybody. You have a choice and you need to ask yourself why do you keep making the choice to stay in a relationship with someone you’re now not even pretending to like.*

Up until recently, I always believed him. Even when I found out he'd lied about quite big things, I sort of understood why. I've been more inlove with him then anyone and he can be so lovely, my ideal person. I always trusted that he's not a 'bad' person and I forgave him.

Doubt about him started to creep in when the business was going under, but I put that down to anger with him. I thought he deserved a chance to put things right. I'd honestly started to feel like I used to about him again when I discovered he'd been lying about the job interviews and when he first started saying he was depressed, I thought I owed him more support.

It was that conversation the other night that gave my head a wobble. It's a bit hard to get my head round this bloke I thought was so lovely is irrepairable, but I'm pretty much there now.

Have just sat down and thought about why he moved back in a couple of weeks ago and what exactly we resolved? The answer is actually nothing. My grandmother died and I needed to go, he came back to stay with DD and then he didn't leave again. We had a talk a couple of days later, but thinking back, my head wasn't really in it.

Hmmmmmmmm

How can he be your “ideal person” when he behaves like this?

I had one of these, too, OP. (Though mine never pretended to have depression to get his own way, and I got out before anything like moving in together or having DC). It's horrible to live with: you are constantly second-guessing and worrying and wanting to believe him; you end up embarrassed in front of friends and family because you've gone along with his bullshit and it's been proven to be bullshit...

And right now, this selfish, lazy parasite is thinking that a bit of boohooing will allow him to keep his feet under the table indefinitely. I think you really do have to throw him out and let him sink or swim on his own. You might find you get more support from your own friends and family when they don;t have to tiptoe round his ego any more.

Get rid. Perhaps the depression is real and clinical and perhaps it is just made up to allow shitty behaviour. Who cares. It's you that has to deal with it. Liars always lie. They don't stop.

I think it's one thing to be fragile and traumatised, even to feel paralysed by shame, and perhaps to need some time out temporarily to pull yourself together, take stock and make sure your next steps are thought-through instead of a panicky kneejerk reaction. But I think that does have to be temporary unless what we're talking about is a florid psychological breakdown (which doesn't seem to be the case).

If he is genuinely depressed, then, speaking from experience, when depression makes the status quo unsustainable, what is needed is some kind of undemanding but regular commitment. Something like a shop or cafe job would be perfect, because it would require him to get up, get washed and dressed, turn up on time, interact with other people whether he fancies it or not (which would make him feel better even if he can't see that for himself), and bring a bit of money in (which will make you both feel better). It would be something to build on in the practical real world, which is helpful in developing a sense that you can build something worthwhile in your head as well. He may well be resistant to doing something like this, but I think it's in both your interests to push it as a required first step if you are to continue supporting him.

The lying is something different imo. Not depression and not an outcome of the business failure, though it may be the cause. If it's a longstanding problem, it may well have a long drawn out solution (or no solution). I would find it harder to commit to supporting him through dealing with that tbh, as it would be hard to live with in the meantime and might never be fixed.

Sounds like a shit time for you. Sorry.

I do agree with the view that, however serious and devastating depression can be for the sufferer (and it really can) this does not oblige their friends and family to tolerate endless shitty behaviour from them. OP you are quite within your rights to say, I don’t want to be in this relationship with you any more, whatever you are going through - it is too damaging for me.

I would hope though that, given you have a child together (I think that’s right - forgive me if not), you would continue to support him as much as is possible, in recognition of the fact that his mental illness is not his fault.

My current partner actually left me when I had allowed my mental health to deteriorate to the extent that I had become a controlling nightmare - and I don’t blame him - and actually, it was (part of) the spur I needed to actually sort things out - get on appropriate medication - get counselling - we are back together now and the relationship is transformed. Clearly this doesn’t work for everyone though - I am not suggesting that breaking up with someone will automatically heal them. In fact, in many cases it probably makes them worse. Which is not to say you don’t have the right to do it, of course.

I am no expert, but it sounds to me like your partner would benefit from medication, to complement the work he is doing in counselling. However, I am very pro medication for mental health issues (given how it has transformed my life and that of many people I love) - I realise others feel differently......