Why won’t he get a place with me!?

[Stargazer84]

So met a nice guy and it’s been almost 10 months, he has a young daughter, we’re 35, I have no kids. It’s going well, but logistically is challenging. I moved back home after selling my house with my ex, I live at my dads unoccupied house, I’m holding off buying till we get our own place, he moved back into his parents after having a flat to save money. We live 20 miles apart, he has to stay local at his parents when he has his daughter about 2 nights a week one week and the following week 4 nights a week, because of school runs and weekend extra curricular clubs for her, the other nights he stays with me and commutes the 40 min drive, he’s struggling with the commute and being between houses. I’m finding it so hard feeling like a family half the time and then not at all when he’s at his parents, his daughter loves me and wants us to marry and get a house, between us we have 90k for a deposit, yet he insists it’s too soon to get our own place and he has health anxiety and doesn’t want to get a mortgage until he has a plethora of tests which are ongoing and never ending. I want to move on with my life and have our own house and space, it breaks me that part of the week he’s here and I’m cooking for him and we are like a happy couple sleeping together and then he goes back home To his parents and then im on my own, he says he needs to have a base at his parents and stability there for her, but I also don’t want to be 35 living out of my dads house, I would also like to have my own space (our own space together) he says it will be at least another 6 months before he thinks of us getting a place, the instability on my part is too hard, not knowing where he will stay from one minute to the next is too much, I’ve told him how I feel but he just says it’s down to me to decide if I can deal with it, I just want a normal stable family life, I love him and don’t want it to end, it’s also tough because his parents did their house up and he spent a couple of months here in the process and it felt stable and good and now he has his room back at his parents he’s moved all his stuff back and it’s made me feel wanted and loved and now he’s gone and I feel kinda used, I don’t know how we can move on, if at all? Should I cut my loses and end it or carry on in the hope he will want something more stable? I.e not carting bags of clothes back and forwards 20 miles between two homes? So confused 😐

10 months is not long especially with children involved.

You sound dependent on him.

How can I not be dependant on him?

Far, far too soon.

You've only known him 10 months and I can see his reluctance in rushing things. I don't think a 40 min drive is hard or long either

his daughter loves me

It''s been 10 months, his daughter doesn't "love you", she barely knows you.

[she] wants us to marry and get a house

Wut. She's just a little kid. She wants lollies and playtime at the park. She doesn't give a doodle about your marriage and mortgage.

You need to slow down and calm down. He's doing the right things by taking it slow - he has a small child to consider.

I just want a normal stable family life
It's been 10 months. Chill.

Best not to crowd him. He'll know when he's ready, and if he prefers the inconvenience of staying at his parents half the week, so be it.

I don’t think 10 months is all that long. You’re desperate to move your life on a phase whereas he is more concerned with keeping things the same for his daughter’s sake. There’s a disconnect there. You have nothing to lose but he would be risking everything.

Neither of you are wrong here...but I do think you ought to put the brakes on. 10 months is still new. He clearly needs longer.
Good luck. Xx

Thanks looks like I should slow down, he hasn’t helped things with having a bit of a breakdown and proposing to me on a whim 2 months ago! I revoked it, he had no ring, also with moving in with me while his parents was being renovated it’s caused my head to spin all over the place, because we’ve been living together and now we’re back to being apart. I feel scared I’m 35, all my friends are married with kids. I worry that if he is waiting for a clean bill of health to get a place then we could be waiting forever, I’ve been having tests for IBS for 8 years! And still no longer have a proper diagnosis so it could go on for years with him too, part of me thinks to be patient and carry on, but the other part is confused because of him proposing out of the blue but not being serious about it, I feel like I had a glimpse of family life and now it’s ebbing away from me, god I sound desperate I hate myself! :(

10 months???? And you want to get a mortgage together? And become an instant step-mother to his kid???
This could only sound worse if you said you were TTC too...

At least he is being sane and grown up. Slow down.
40min commute is totally normal. And you should be able to remember how it was when you were an independent adult during the few days he spends away from your house.

A 40 minute commute is not long so don't think too much about that.

Ten months is too soon to be thinking of getting a place together, his reasons for not doing so are valid.

You don't have to stay at your dad's, from what you've said, you could buy a place of your own.

Please be more independent. Enjoy the time you spend together but make the most of being on your own too. These are times you will not have again.

If you dont chill out you will push him away.

Look up co dependency issues

The 40 min commute is normal, but he says he’s having leg pain and it hurts to drive so I feel bad that he has to drive 40 mins to see me when he can drive 20 mins to his parents but then without that we would never see eachother

In the nicest way, get a grip.

It's been 10 months! You don't even know him yet. Rushing in to being a couple, owning a house and being a 'step-mum' is a recipe for disaster. Your social group being married and having kids is irrelevant to your situation - it certainly doesn't mean you set up home with the nearest possible man you can find.
His daughter has a mum, she doesn't need you. Again, she doesn't love you - she barely knows you.
You don't seem to be thinking of his daughter at all here, it's all you and what you want.

If you are dependent on him you really need to break off from that.
He's not well and is suffering from anxiety. You clinging to him and acting as desperate as you are is only going to push him away.

It sounds a huge mess to be honest, with him proposing to you and all sorts.

40mins is normal, being between 2 houses is normal. Relax FFS. I'm cringing for you.

A 40 minute drive is nothing. Please get help you might have anxiety issues or dependency. .

He will dump you over this !

I'm 27 and my fella is too together 2 years not moving out til my mental health is 110% better and it's too early even for us !!

I wouldn't even contemplate buying a house with someone after only 10 months, never mind when there's a child involved.

And you can't actually have spent much time with this kid, given the set up.

He's absolutely right.

At ten months you wouldn’t even have met my child, and I would no more be considering buying a place with a boyfriend of ten months than I would be considering naked abseiling.

Slow way down, OP. You barely know one another.

Way too soon. You need to slow down and enjoy what you have.

@TakeOneForTheBreem

I understand where you're coming from to a certain extent. I think your problem is not the fact he doesn't want to move in with you yet; I think you are more concerned about the fact that you are 35 years old and that you have not settled down yet.

Ask yourself, if you were 25 years old would you be concerned about not moving in together after ten months?

I think you need to take a step back and enjoy the relationship. You cannot know everything about this man within less than a year, and if you move in together before you both are genuinely ready then you risk ruining the relationship and self-sabotaging your own happiness.

I am 32, a bit younger but when I was 28/29, I was the exact same with my then-boyfriend now-husband. I was so concerned about getting married, having children and wondering if I was wasting my time on someone who would never propose. In the end, everything worked out. Two days before my 30th Birthday, three months after living together, my boyfriend proposed. We planned our wedding in a year and our 1st year wedding anniversary is in 3 weeks. I realise now that I should not have been in such a rush back then to move in and settle down. We were destined to end up together in the end, and all would be well. But I just wish I had enjoyed my independence when I had it, enjoyed my own flat when I had it and my own space when I had it.

I love my husband, but at times, I look back and think I never truly appreciated the freedom I had back then. I was so concerned about settling down and starting a family that I did not comprehend what I was asking for, what responsibilities were involved and that it took a lot more than love.

It sounds to me like this guy really likes you and cares about you. Him saying he doesn't want to move in just shows that he wants to take the time and get it right. He probably proposed out the blue based on emotions as I guess he genuinely loves you. I think a man is serious about you when:

1. He introduces you into his world, i.e. incorporates you into his friends/family. You have met his daughter; he could not incorporate you more than he has already.

1. He doesn't go anywhere, just stays and never leaves.

1. He shows up when he says he is gonna show up. if you make plans for Friday night for him to stay over and despite the logistical challenges, he still shows up without changing plans or making excuses as to why he can't come, then he is definitely into you.

In summary, please just calm down. Enjoy the relationship, get to know him more and his family. Let him work for you girl. Do not give him the gold medal without having to try and show his worth to you. You really need to love yourself and learn about you and discover what you want. I would encourage you to get a hobby, focus on your career or education and look for more in your life than a relationship. If you focus on you and show self-love to you while you're in a relationship, this will only make your boyfriend love you more and be more into you trust me.

What is for you will not go by you. If you are worried about kids and conceiving, perhaps freeze your eggs for when the time comes. You are still young and you have the rest of your life ahead of you. As far as IBS goes, I find I control mines very well without any symptoms when I go to the gym and eat healthily. So if you're not already doing these two things then you can start and are killing two birds with one stone by creating self-love and resolving a health problem at the same time.

I really hope that you and your boyfriend last the distance. You are certaintly doing something right for him to stick around so believe in yourself and do not be in a rush to settle down as pretty soon that WILL come and you will miss having the bed to yourself.

Please look at this website for more advice on love and relationships.

www.anewmode.com

I think everyone is being a little harsh here. She may we’ll have a lovely bond with his daughter and at 35 she is feeling pressure to settle down.

OP 10 months is very soon to be thinking about a mortgage together but could you not get a place closer to him together first maybe rent for 6 months to see how things go? Then you could both always go back to your parents house if it doesn’t work or both decide to get a mortgage together from there?

@Stargazer84

Please see the above message, I tagged someone else by accident.

You've not even been together a year..!

I have two children. A couple of years ago I was with someone who felt that, after 9/10 months we ought to be "living together or at least talking about it".

I ended it.

Being involved in a child's life and joining a family is a privilege that you earn not right you can demand.

I would have walked away from you by now if I were you.

If I were him.

"feeling pressure to settle down"
Feeling pressure is not a good basis for a relationship.

Bottom line is that even if he was willing, 10 months is not long enough for him to be moving you in with his little girl. When you date a man with child/ren the timeline should be set by their best interests, not your wishes.