Why won’t he get a place with me!?

[Stargazer84]

So met a nice guy and it’s been almost 10 months, he has a young daughter, we’re 35, I have no kids. It’s going well, but logistically is challenging. I moved back home after selling my house with my ex, I live at my dads unoccupied house, I’m holding off buying till we get our own place, he moved back into his parents after having a flat to save money. We live 20 miles apart, he has to stay local at his parents when he has his daughter about 2 nights a week one week and the following week 4 nights a week, because of school runs and weekend extra curricular clubs for her, the other nights he stays with me and commutes the 40 min drive, he’s struggling with the commute and being between houses. I’m finding it so hard feeling like a family half the time and then not at all when he’s at his parents, his daughter loves me and wants us to marry and get a house, between us we have 90k for a deposit, yet he insists it’s too soon to get our own place and he has health anxiety and doesn’t want to get a mortgage until he has a plethora of tests which are ongoing and never ending. I want to move on with my life and have our own house and space, it breaks me that part of the week he’s here and I’m cooking for him and we are like a happy couple sleeping together and then he goes back home To his parents and then im on my own, he says he needs to have a base at his parents and stability there for her, but I also don’t want to be 35 living out of my dads house, I would also like to have my own space (our own space together) he says it will be at least another 6 months before he thinks of us getting a place, the instability on my part is too hard, not knowing where he will stay from one minute to the next is too much, I’ve told him how I feel but he just says it’s down to me to decide if I can deal with it, I just want a normal stable family life, I love him and don’t want it to end, it’s also tough because his parents did their house up and he spent a couple of months here in the process and it felt stable and good and now he has his room back at his parents he’s moved all his stuff back and it’s made me feel wanted and loved and now he’s gone and I feel kinda used, I don’t know how we can move on, if at all? Should I cut my loses and end it or carry on in the hope he will want something more stable? I.e not carting bags of clothes back and forwards 20 miles between two homes? So confused 😐

In any situation I would personally feel 10 is reeeeeally too soon to move in, let alone buy together. And there are kids involved.

This sounds like you're on totally different pages and tbh he's on the page that is more common than yours.

10 months in this is a crazy idea and I would feel incredibly pressured like it sounds he is.

He is being sensible. If I was in his shoes it would make me distant and then likely end it.

Sorry OP but I think it's time to reassess why there's such a rush with such a high risk of being tied to someone for life after 10 months.

This reeks of desperation. You want to settle down NOW & he won’t move at your desired speed (I.e fast). He has a kid to consider & if you push this issue it would turn me off. Nobody wants to feel like they are just a box you’ve ticked off mentally on your life to do list.

Look into Shared Ownership to get on the housing ladder yourself, and let him come on board later if things work out.

Cool your jets. You're rushing things and remember "marry(commit) in haste, repent at leisure".

Buy your own place with your half of the deposit.

10 months down the line 'daughter loves me and wants us to marry' and all that codswallop.

Sort your own life stop depending on him for your next moves and make your own decisions

Why don't you buy your own property

Why don't you find a single man with no children

His child should be his priority

You sound very needy. Why not spend some time on your own

OP, I felt a bit like you are feeling when I was suffering from anxiety. I wanted to know the future and exactly what was going to happen, and (though I didn’t realise it at the time) was expecting a degree of commitment from my (relatively new) partner which must have been scary as fuck! I couldn’t see what I was doing, as I know in “real life” (ie when well) I am independent and far from clingy.....
Anyway, I got my mental health sorted and my relationship is going much better now - actually we ARE going to move in together - and this is happening basically because I calmed the fuck down and gave him a bit of space to breathe, and he realised I wasn’t actually a total nightmare.
I’m not saying you are like me in the least - I am sure you are not as extreme as I was - I just mean this as a cautionary tale.......

Have you posted about this before op? How long have you been pushing this man?

And as for this

So I think you need to explain that to him and then ask if he will agree to begin the process of buying and home, marrying and ttc in the coming year.

I'd bin someone if they tried to make me commit like that so early when I've already stated it's too early. It's so underhand.

Agree @Bluntness100

Ridiculous for a single person to be put in that position, never mind the upheaval in his little girls life! New house, new SM and possibly a sibling on the way, all within 12 months. Simply because a woman she barely knows wants it all.

OP, you've already had to sell up home after one failed relationship. Remember this time round it would also be a child's home.

It's not you living at your dad's Vs you living with him.

If you don't want to live at your dad's, move out. That's up to you. You shouldn't rush something serious like buying a house with someone! It sounds like he's being sensible.

Enjoy the relationship for what it is now @Stargazer84 !
I have 2 young dc, separated from ex h and have been in a new relationship for 7 months, he is the most wonderful man I have ever met but he has not met my dc yet and we don't plan on it for probably another years worth of dating, moving in together and anything more will be a long way in the future. Both of us agree with this and it came from us both, thankfully! Because I personally wouldn't have had it any other way, my children will always come first, as will his, forcing this matter will drive him away!

Also, if my ex h was in a relationship with someone who had the same aims as you after 10 months, I'd be extremely wary and have a lot of issues with the situation! @Stargazer84

10 months is very fast to be considering buying a house with someone. At this point you're still getting to know his child.

Better to future proof yourself by buying your own house, as there's no guarantee that this relationship will end in marriage. It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself and the relationship as a result. Why the rush?

10 months is far too soon to move in when there's a child involved. Your biological clock is making you panic and it's good that your bf is being sensible and keeping the brakes on.

Have you read any of the stories on Step parents? If you have kids with him too, you'll be sharing his time at Xmas and other occasions like Parents Evenings etc so if him being away is unbearable you need to consider whether that's the life for you. Stepmothers get to do the drudgery like cooking and cleaning but you don't get a proper say with important decisions. Can you hack being a half-parent?