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Original poster

Why won’t he get a place with me!?

63 replies

Stargazer84 · 16/07/2019 23:51

So met a nice guy and it’s been almost 10 months, he has a young daughter, we’re 35, I have no kids. It’s going well, but logistically is challenging. I moved back home after selling my house with my ex, I live at my dads unoccupied house, I’m holding off buying till we get our own place, he moved back into his parents after having a flat to save money. We live 20 miles apart, he has to stay local at his parents when he has his daughter about 2 nights a week one week and the following week 4 nights a week, because of school runs and weekend extra curricular clubs for her, the other nights he stays with me and commutes the 40 min drive, he’s struggling with the commute and being between houses. I’m finding it so hard feeling like a family half the time and then not at all when he’s at his parents, his daughter loves me and wants us to marry and get a house, between us we have 90k for a deposit, yet he insists it’s too soon to get our own place and he has health anxiety and doesn’t want to get a mortgage until he has a plethora of tests which are ongoing and never ending. I want to move on with my life and have our own house and space, it breaks me that part of the week he’s here and I’m cooking for him and we are like a happy couple sleeping together and then he goes back home To his parents and then im on my own, he says he needs to have a base at his parents and stability there for her, but I also don’t want to be 35 living out of my dads house, I would also like to have my own space (our own space together) he says it will be at least another 6 months before he thinks of us getting a place, the instability on my part is too hard, not knowing where he will stay from one minute to the next is too much, I’ve told him how I feel but he just says it’s down to me to decide if I can deal with it, I just want a normal stable family life, I love him and don’t want it to end, it’s also tough because his parents did their house up and he spent a couple of months here in the process and it felt stable and good and now he has his room back at his parents he’s moved all his stuff back and it’s made me feel wanted and loved and now he’s gone and I feel kinda used, I don’t know how we can move on, if at all? Should I cut my loses and end it or carry on in the hope he will want something more stable? I.e not carting bags of clothes back and forwards 20 miles between two homes? So confused 😐

OP posts:
hadthesnip2 · 17/07/2019 01:56

What @picsinred said.

You 2 are not on the same page. He has a young DC & her needs trumps yours any day of the week.

Keep dating & see where its at in another year. If you want kids sooner than that then leave him & find someone who's on your page.

groundanchochillipowder · 17/07/2019 02:13

FFS, 10 months in and you're like this? Honestly, I hope he dumps you. He needs someone who's less needy. If you want kids you need to move on.

Rachelover40 · 17/07/2019 02:20

He should seek medical advice about his leg pain whilst driving. It could be something to do with posture/positioning, some people do sit very awkwardly at the wheel. A good sports masseuse would help him and give advice.

mananaa · 17/07/2019 02:26

I think 6 months is reasonable. But I do understand that you are feeling the need to hurry up and settle down, especially if you want dc of your own. So I think you need to explain that to him and then ask if he will agree to begin the process of buying and home, marrying and ttc in the coming year. Then he knows what you want and you've stated your needs clearly.

If he's definitely not ready, or he doesnt think 6 months is enough time, then you can both end it now.

1forAll74 · 17/07/2019 02:31

Put the brakes on,or you will have a crash ! Things don't have to go at breakneck speed when there are many things to consider here.

Saltystraw · 17/07/2019 02:45

I don’t think 10months is a short time when your in your mid 30’s. We move a whole lot quicker then our 20’s. But just saying my ex was like this, best to find someone on the same page. Mine was still holding me off 3 years later.

edgeofheaven · 17/07/2019 02:53

I agree with your boyfriend, 10 months is very soon to be buying a place together. You do not know each other well enough to get into this sort of long-term financial commitment, especially when there's a child involved.I know at your age you want things to move along quickly but it's not his fault that you're living with your dad. And 20 miles is not really that far, you make it sound like you're in different countries or something.

If you think this relationship can last, then stick with him and reassess when you've been together 18 months at least.

TwistyTop · 17/07/2019 03:00

Agree with others that 10 months is way too soon to be buying a house together, especially when there's a DC involved.

Can't you buy your own house? I'm getting the vibe that you're really keen to move out of your dad's and get your own place. You don't need him to do that, you can do whatever you want. If I was you I'd buy my own house, and really enjoy living in it, and revisit the idea of you two moving in together a few years down the line. You can always sell your place or rent it out.

AgentJohnson · 17/07/2019 04:25

You sound far too desperate and he sounds too flakey. I fear this won’t end well, which wouldn’t be so much of an issue if there wasn’t a child involved.

You barely know the man and what you do know, should make you pause for thought. Proposing after eight weeks, a breakdown and health anxieties are a shopping list of issues which should encourage you take your foot of the accelerator, not press harder.

Act in haste, repent at leisure.

Purpleartichoke · 17/07/2019 04:44

10 months to a shared mortgage is fast under the best of circumstances. Once children are involved, timetables have to change massively. You shouldn’t even think about moving in together for a couple of years. You should just get your own place. If you want him in your life, that place should be close to where he lives with his child because his need to be geographically close is going to get higher in a couple of years when she starts school.

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 17/07/2019 06:53

This is way to fast.

I remember your last thread and the relationship, didnt sound great.

He has very severe health anxiety.

No way would I be considering lumping 45k into a house with some I have only known 10 months.

Me and dp have been together 2 years and only just considering it. I have known him 4 years, as has ds. He was a friend of a friend and we all met him at the same time.

You need to stop pushing for too much too soon. I get that you are worrying about having kids, but rushing into a relationship and moving in etc is quite risky.

MadamBatty · 17/07/2019 07:08

I wouldn’t get a mortgage with somebody I only knew 10 months

Are you staying rent free in your dad’s house? If so can you use this time to save money towards a bigger deposit

You’re putting yourself to ‘settle down’. Life is not some Disney happy ever after, there’s challenges even after you settle down.

You need to relax & stop focusing on some goal when you buy & house & life is perfect forever more

sneakypinky · 17/07/2019 07:35

Good lord OP, he's a boyfriend of 10 months, you're not a family. Slow down!

Give it another 2 years and then see where you are. It's FAR too soon to buy a house together. At 10 months you're still getting to know each other!

NameChangeNugget · 17/07/2019 07:52

10 months is way too soon.,

You’re going to drive him away if you don’t put the breaks on

SparklyMagpie · 17/07/2019 08:08

Ahhh I remember you!

You wrote about this not too long ago didn't you? And I don't understand what different answers you thought you would get?

ShatnersWig · 17/07/2019 08:16

Sparkly Yes, I recognise them too, despite the name change.

SparklyMagpie · 17/07/2019 09:10

Can you remember if that post got deleted @ShatnersWig?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 17/07/2019 09:24

Is that true OP? Have you posted about this before and then namechanged?

ShatnersWig · 17/07/2019 09:24

Fraid not.

Bluntness100 · 17/07/2019 09:30

I'm with thr others. It's ten months. You sound desperate when did you even start this conversation with him, well before this point I assume.

Really calm yourself.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/07/2019 09:31

How can I not be dependant on him?
Because you are a 35 YO woman and should be independent.
I really think you are 'settling' here.
Why do you want to spend your life with a man with health anxiety?
It gets worse as people get older you know?
It's fucking hard to live with.
Why would you put this on yourself?

Really think about your future with this man.
He is not ready to live with you.
Please listen to him.
He's also telling you he may never be ready to live with you again.
Understand what he is saying.

He is putting his daughter first and that is exactly how it should be.
Stop pinning all your hopes and future on this man.

chatwoo · 17/07/2019 09:39

Use your deposit to purchase your own place - you can be independent and be in a relationship this man at the same time.

Don't put your plans on hold because he's not ready; be your own person.

sneakypinky · 17/07/2019 09:47

He sounds very sensible.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/07/2019 09:51

10 months!?!? Buying a place together would be utterly bonkers. Sorry, but it's far too soon. Chill! Enjoy getting to know each other.

Could you not rent a place together first? Living together is very different from seeing each other a couple of times a week.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/07/2019 09:52

Use your deposit to purchase your own place - you can be independent and be in a relationship this man at the same time.

Excellent advice.