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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

ExH telling me boyfriend can’t stay over!

120 replies

toobusytothink · 16/07/2019 12:43

Husband and I amicably split up a year ago. Both of us are now seeing other people. On very good terms. I am in the old family home until we put it on the market next year and he has bought somewhere else. This was agreed - I would prefer to sell now but we decided it would provide bit of stability for kids. We have 2 kids 13 and 12 who live with me except for one day a week.

He has just messaged me to tell me that he doesn’t want my bf staying over when our kids are with him! WTF! Am trying to remain calm but can’t think of an appropriate reply ... I mean I understand him not wanting him to stay when I have the kids, but not sure he can even do that, but really? When they are with him? He’s asked if I can stay at my boyfriend’s place instead...

OP posts:
toobusytothink · 25/07/2019 13:21

You are all so right! I’ve sent him 3 emails with very reasonable suggestions over how to split assets and then asking if he wants to initiate the divorce proceedings on grounds of adultery or I will. He’s refused to acknowledge that so I’ve said i will be filing tomorrow unless he does. He hates that I am now taking bull by the horns and initiating everything. He even said that him introducing kids to gf was a favour to me as it would make it easier if I want to introduce my bf. Yeah right.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 25/07/2019 13:35

OMG what a fuckwit he really is.
Well done OP.
Now file those papers.

toobusytothink · 25/07/2019 14:04

Doing it online tomorrow!!

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 25/07/2019 14:07

How long have you been separated? Was there adultery in the marriage?

toobusytothink · 25/07/2019 14:27

We separated amicably a year ago but in December I started seeing someone and in February he did which I found out about in April. So I was planning on using adultery as grounds for divorce. Not sure about exact wording though. Any advice?

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 25/07/2019 14:43

Hmmm...not sure to be honest as me and my ex are waiting to two years for. 'No blame' divorce (which is ironic seeing as it was his affair that broke us up).

I just hate conflict and bitterness so decided for everyone's sake it was the best route to take. The two years is up in January and I'm still not going to rush the divorce. I'm not planning on marrying again so if he is desperate to get divorced he can initiate it.

toobusytothink · 25/07/2019 14:50

Thanks. That was our initial plan but due to a change in circumstances I want the financial side of things clarified ASAP which is easiest done as part of divorce. Also just want OUT! 😄

OP posts:
Olajs · 25/07/2019 14:56

I misread your OP as him saying he didn’t want your new partner to stay over when the kids were there and I thought you were being unreasonable because it’s totally inappropriate to have someone staying over when the kids are or even introduce them before 6 months in. Then I re-read and realised he meant when the kids are with him! Wtf?! No! You can have whoever you want to stay when your children aren’t staying in the house!

HaileySherman · 25/07/2019 15:02

Lol, i think I'd advise him to fuck off.

toobusytothink · 25/07/2019 15:18

Thanks olajs- I agree. It has been 7 1/2 months but even though I’m being very cautious. Put my kids before anything else. I’ll introduce them to him when we are all ready (but even then no sleepovers when kids are home!)

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 25/07/2019 17:19

Sometimes people use, amicable as a form of still getting what they want - your ex is a typical example of this . In your shoes 👟 d continue to be ‘amicable’, but still push ahead with the sale of the house and getting yourself sorted. There’s bugger all you can do about him introducing his gf to your dc, (again his comment about doing it to make it easier for you, is all’s bout control, but subtle). Do what’s best for you and dc but cut all ties and do it via a solicitor. Or at least seek proper legal advice before agreeing to anything

funnylittlefloozie · 25/07/2019 21:27

This sounds exactly like my ex. Hes tried to say this about my last two boyfriends, but i just totally ignore his texts. He will get his share of the equity when the house is sold, but until then, my sex life is precisely NONE of his business.

SandyY2K · 25/07/2019 21:52

You want to use you starting a relationship as adultery? Even though you had already split up?

I suspect he's now regretting saying that to you, as you're moving full steam ahead, which means a split of assets sooner and he loses control and can't dictate to you anymore.

BeenThereDone · 25/07/2019 21:54

You can be sure that it is annoying him that your new bf is in the bed that he shared with you. Even if you are not together it's a territory thing. He's paying the bills and still felt in charge... Now he's playing games, ignoring your emails and all of a sudden wanting to introduce his gf...

Stick to your guns and proceed as you have been doing. Don't tell him to fuck off, just tell him he is being ridiculous and ignore his chest beating

Tippletopple · 25/07/2019 22:13

Yeah, really wouldn't recommend using Adultery - and I say that as someone who actually did have rock solid proof. It presses all the wrong buttons, complicates matters (just saying "he has a partner who stays over" isn't enough - you need something definite and undeniable) and it accomplishes nothing "Unreasonable Behaviour" won't do for a lot less hassle.

I know you said you only started seeing someone in December, however was this a person you'd been emotionally invested in prior to your split? If so, he might being triggered by a primal sense of being replaced. Not saying it excuses his behaviour, however, it might be the sense that this other guy not only caused you to reject him, but now is enjoying the house that was once his, snuggling up on the sofa he once snuggled up on, sleeping on his side of the marital bed, etc, etc... Of course, if he caused the break-up then he doesn't have a leg to stand on and only himself to blame. But, as irrational as it sounds, you being in a new house probably won't be as triggering. Because that won't be his old safe space, place to relax, place he invested in, infused with strong memories of you as a couple.

Whether rightly or wrongly, he's been displace and you haven't. Even if he agreed its for the best, he may still feel it. I felt like this after I separated. I agreed it was best for the kids my wife kept the house. but I still keenly felt that sense I'd lost not only my marriage, but my home, the place I knew, community around me, neighbours and neighbourhood. I felt like Robinson Crusoe.

Again, not that justifies the behaviour. I never told my wife she couldn't have the OP stay over pretty much within days of me moving out, no matter how much it chafed because I knew she was legally absolutely within her rights to do so.

Thequaffle · 25/07/2019 22:15

Ask him if he’s ok for his gf not to stay over at his when you have the kids 6 days a week?

Tippletopple · 25/07/2019 22:16

*OM stay over - not OP. Though I suppose you could interpret that as Other Person!

Tippletopple · 25/07/2019 22:23

@BeenThereDone - not saying this is the case here, however we men are emotional humans too! :)

Think about it: if someone took your favourite pillow or teddy or pair of slippers or whatever and gave it to someone else, would you not feel a pang of loss knowing that someone else was enjoying something that was once a source of comfort to you, and with you feeling you had no real say in giving them up?

It doesn't have to just come down to territory or behaving like primitive apes.

MotherOfSoupDragons · 26/07/2019 15:07

Tipple are you actually serious?

Cambionome · 26/07/2019 15:21

tipple - are you comparing an ex wife to a pair of slippers?????
Confused

Bookworm4 · 26/07/2019 15:31

Am I the only one a bit 😱 at @Blobby10 comment?

Blobby10 · 26/07/2019 15:59

@Bookworm4 it was a bit of a rant wasn’t it- my apologies 😁 I was having a bad day and feeling envious of my ex’s ability to move on

Bookworm4 · 26/07/2019 16:10

I’m 😱 at you agreeing not to remarry, what a control freak your ex is 🤬

MichelleC69 · 26/07/2019 16:11

OMG what an utter twat - do not put up with this shit. I agree with others who have said to get a clean break divorce asap, and keep him the hell out of your business.

Shit I had to (and still have to) put up with from my ex more than 8 years after our divorce is:-

a) how much have you put aside for DD's university fund, I think you should be putting any maintenance I pay you straight into a ringfenced account for her
b) when I remarried: are you having him sign a pre-nup as the money I gave you for your house is intended to pass to DD

...and various other attempts at controlling....all of which are met with a 'fuck off' by me. Start as you mean to go on!!

IndieTara · 26/07/2019 16:14

Op you do realise that if you divorce citing your adultery your XH's solicitor will be trying to get you to pay all divorce costs for both of you.
My XH tried this when I met somebody 15 mths after we separated. We'd previously agreed we'd wait the 2 yrs until he saw the opportunity for a free divorce

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