Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH telling me boyfriend can’t stay over!

120 replies

toobusytothink · 16/07/2019 12:43

Husband and I amicably split up a year ago. Both of us are now seeing other people. On very good terms. I am in the old family home until we put it on the market next year and he has bought somewhere else. This was agreed - I would prefer to sell now but we decided it would provide bit of stability for kids. We have 2 kids 13 and 12 who live with me except for one day a week.

He has just messaged me to tell me that he doesn’t want my bf staying over when our kids are with him! WTF! Am trying to remain calm but can’t think of an appropriate reply ... I mean I understand him not wanting him to stay when I have the kids, but not sure he can even do that, but really? When they are with him? He’s asked if I can stay at my boyfriend’s place instead...

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 16/07/2019 13:08

In his head, it's still 'his' house. That's why he doesn't want your DP there. Either that or he is a complete dog in the manger.

TeaForTheWin · 16/07/2019 13:10

Yeah I think 7 months is long enough to have been with someone to introduce them to your kids. Especially older kids like yours cause it's not like they are going to start calling him dad and get super attached or anything lol.

And your ex has a bloody cheek saying who can't stay over in your house. Family home or not, it ISN'T his home anymore and you aren't his anymore, which I suspect it might be more about.

If I were you I'd start looking for a new place. Better to go now and settle somewhere new than in a few years when the kids are at their exam age. Fresh start.

But in the mean time a 'well that's highly inappropriate for you to say and - mind your own your business' is due.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 16/07/2019 13:10

It sounds very Victorian; "no gentlemen callers afer 7pm" Grin

hardyloveit · 16/07/2019 13:15

He can not tell you who can stay or not stay! Just like you can't tell him.
However it's good to hear someone who doesn't rush and introduce a new bf etc to their kids straight away!

JellyfishAndShells · 16/07/2019 13:16

He must be sensitive about the memories of all the sunlit happy times in that house being replaced by thoughts of a stranger taking his place.

Or something equally antler clashing and alpha male display nonsense.

Chloemol · 16/07/2019 13:17

Ignore the text and do what you want to, it’s none of his business what you do

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 16/07/2019 13:17

Hang on a sec, if you haven't introduced your DCs to your DBF, does that mean that he only stays when they're at their DF's/elsewhere? Or do you smuggle him out before dawn under a blanket? Grin

If he doesn't stay when they're in the house, then "when I want your opinion, I'll take the duct tape off your mouth" would be the way to go.

Actually, as everyone else has said "F* off" is the ideal response.

Winterlife · 16/07/2019 13:21

Sounds like a dog who has marked his territory. An alpha has bested him. That’s what’s driving this.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 16/07/2019 13:35

How about "I'll do you the favour of pretending that you didn't say that"?

Original poster
toobusytothink · 16/07/2019 13:50

Yes he does clearly think of it as his house. I replied saying I won’t agree to that. His response was that he pays the majority of the costs with house and kids - which He doesnt mind as long as its exclusively benefiting me and the kids. The idea that My bf is spending time in the house starts to make him feel like he is indirectly a charity apparently 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ And doesnt want to feel that my bf is simply enjoying the benefit of his hard work. Then he asked why can’t I stay at his instead????

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 16/07/2019 13:57

And yes, even after 7 months, bf only ever stays if kids are with their dad (which isn’t very often as they are with me the vast majority of the time...)

OP posts:
Grumpelstilskin · 16/07/2019 14:23

My reaction to this would be to call an estate agent and list the house for sale. As for paying costs, well yeah, that would be maintenance wouldn't it. I have zero tolerance for such fucknuggetry!

SandrasAnnoyingFriend · 16/07/2019 14:24

Had this exact situation and basically told ex it was none of his business and then stopped engaging on the topic. I suggest you do the same.

McShakey · 16/07/2019 14:27

Do you have to tell him if your bf stays over?

hellsbellsmelons · 16/07/2019 14:28

Well you are no longer exclusive to HIM so he will need to stop being such fucktard!
I'd get divorce and finances sorted out asap.
He's showing you that he is a hypocritical asshole and you need to distance yourself.
Get 2-3 estate agents round to value the property and let you know about fees and the area and the likelihood of it selling.
Then market it and get out from his clutches before he totally ruins you relationship.
I would also send him a link to this thread.
I never advise that - but in this case - I think he needs to understand what a controlling asshole he is being.

RantyAnty · 16/07/2019 14:31

How does he know the bf is staying over?

TeaForTheWin · 16/07/2019 14:32

Time.to.move.
ASAP.

PicsInRed · 16/07/2019 14:50

It sounds like he is the one who really wanted you to stay in the family home - that you were all ready and willing to sell.

I wonder if he thought that he would have more control of your sexuality you if you were still living in "his" house?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/07/2019 14:57

Tell him your sex life is none of his business.

Time to move forward the house sale. He is trying to control your life. The kids will be fine.

greenwaterbottle · 16/07/2019 15:01

I'm sorry did you forget we split up?

Original poster
toobusytothink · 16/07/2019 15:24

Hellsbells you are exactly right! I do want to sell and have told him that. I do need to have a clean break from him. It was just all so amicable and seemed ok so no rush but I now need to be free. My bf is crushed that he has been referred to as a charity - he has never taken anything from me and it is definitely now affecting us. I have had 2 valuations done and think I will now insist we go for sale, sort finances and clean break. Because until we do so he will always have this “hold” over me

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 16/07/2019 15:25

And he doesn’t know the bf stays over. I’m not even sure where all this came from. All I asked him was did he want the kids one day this week and it all kicked off!!

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 16/07/2019 15:35

Just tell him that it is not decision to make.

DaffoDeffo · 16/07/2019 15:43

just be careful because if a new man moves in with you, and exh is paying you maintenance over and above child maintenance, the lawyers can take into account the earnings of your new partner in adjusting what he pays (as they expect your new partner to contribute to the household bills).

if an amount has not been determined yet, they may take your new partner's financial situation into account

it never affects child maintenance but it can influence the financial decision overall

IncrediblySadToo · 16/07/2019 15:45

Then tell him you need to get on with selling the house then if he thinks he can tell you what you can do while you’re living in it!

Your bf is staying over, not asking to have his name put on the deeds.

You could also mention that him acting like the jealous husband that he is, can’t be doing much for his relationship with his girlfriend!🤣

He’s paying for most of it...🙄 he wouldn’t be if he was doing his scare if parenting instead of shaking up with the gf!

Swipe left for the next trending thread