Do any parents dislike parenting full stop?

[Breastfeedingworries]

I really wasn’t sure where to put this thread. It sort of fits into AIBU but I didn’t want to be misunderstood.

I’ve got a friend, she’s got two sons aged 2 and 9. She suffered undiagnosed post natal drepression with her first, I think their relationships is massively damaged. From what’s she’s said to me, And how she feels. Her bond with her younger son is much stronger but where her first son is confident her youngest clings to her. Her eldest is so angry, he breaks things and lashes out. She’s been told and I’ve asked her if he’s been tested for ADHD. He’s got a doctors appointment soon, but I think it’s very late, as family and friends have been saying it since he was a toddler. I don’t think he means to lash out, and I think he’s very unhappy being told off all the time, by teachers as well as family.

Anyway my friend is lovely, sweet, and kind and really does her best but she hates being a parent. She’s lovely to her friends and other adults but she’s not very affectionate to her children (her parents weren’t to her) she’s not playful person either really so hasn’t been able to bond with play.

I want to support her really, and ask if anyone else out there is like this? Clearly parenting maybe wasn’t what they thought it was and how friends have helped then?

I really want her to find joy in parenting, I know she’s in an unhappy long term relationship as well. We’re going out this Saturday, and I know she lives for any break she can get.

Let me know thanks mums

Apologised for my bad gramma and few words came out wrong there.

It sounds as though she's still suffering with the PND. Gently try and see if she's receiving support for it, medication, ongoing visits with the GP or talk therapies for example. It sounds like she's having a rough time of it. Not feeling joy in anything can be a symptom of depression. When I had PND I felt I'd been lied to my whole life, that no one could possibly enjoy parenting.

Since being better however, I love my child and being her mum even on the hardest days.

In terms of how to help ... Offering breaks can help but a better approach would be to do things she can bring her kids to and enjoy. Places / activities that include them. Supporting her in being a mum rather than enabling her to avoid it (I say that from personal experience, no judgement).

Yes me and both my kids are perfectly fine. I love them dearly but I hate the role of parenting. I hate the responsibility, the drudge, the constant having to nag, the feeling of tethered to this life in someway (coz I'm told you never stop worrying about them). Mine are teenagers and I felt the same when they were younger.
For some people, the whole being a parent thing just works for them, they don't seem to get so stressed, they love all the oohs and aaaah of each stage - not I. Don't get me wrong, I'll be the best parent I possibly can be to them as they didn't ask to be born, I chose to have them, but it's not a job I'm well suited to. It's like a joiner knowing he/she will be working as a plumber for the rest of their lives.
I don't think I had PND - I'm not the depressive sort - but what I would call it is more like a post natal realisation. Fuck! This is it! Yeah there are some good bits for sure but for me they are far outweighed by overwhelming feelings of being trapped.
I'll probably get flamed for this but I think there are a lot more of us types out there than care to admit because it's such a shitty thing.
I still love my kids, and would take a bullet for them, but the job of parenting sucks, big time!

Thanks I didn’t think anyone would reply

Yeah I’ve been wondering if she still is suffering with it. She’s not one to admit to things. She’s only opened up to me about her childhood a few times, actually once said she wishes she had my Mum. We’re a cuddley family even now!

Yeah I try to do loads, taking them swimming tomorrow, I drive us all out as we all fit in my car. We’ve done a lot together over the years. One thing She’s extremely sweet with my dd whose 8 months. So I wonder if past the baby stage is when she’s been unhappy. She tells me it’s the best age and things very wistfully. So that makes me wonder if it could be late post natal depression? As she enjoyed the baby stage.

Oh about the break itsmy first night away from my dd so night off for me too. We don’t go out often, it’s the first in 2 years.

Interesting jaggy, that’s the thing she might not have any sort of depression she might just simply hate parenting, the job of it.

🤷🏼‍♀️ I’m no expert being pretty be to it all. I find some aspects dull.

It’s curious because I wonder why she went on to have another too, as she really doesn’t enjoy it. To the point I feel like I’m jollying everyone ain’t on trips ect. When we go out just us she’s a different person.

I can’t wait for Saturday, I want my friend to be happy.

Sorry I’ve taken my eyes out, so couldn’t see to type and my phones skipped few words

Me. Love my kids, loath parenting them

Jaggypinecone I feel exactly the same,have had undiagnosed PND but I'm convinced I would have felt this way anyhow.

Baby stage is the best and easiest part, except for once they move out I suppose.
I hate play, I don't remember playing as a child, so unless it's reading, drawing or a board game I kind of don't get it. I hate playing, I think I said that already I only really like days out or when they're asleep.
Days when my kids aren't at school and nursery are exhausting, and I could never go back to being a SAHM, work is so much easier than being with kids all day.

Yeah I hate it if I’m honest.

The structure, routine, mundanity and repetitiveness. Day in and day bloody out. The relentless “Muuuum” call, cooking meals with no spice that they don’t fucking eat anyway. Play dates with even more annoying children, the school run where I make polite small talk with people who refer to themselves in the third person. Waiting around for an activity to finish while juggling younger DC. Cleaning poo off trousers and running to A&E when they swallow a toy train. What else can I moan about???

Sorry, I’ve no useful input other than to say yes it is definitely possible to love your children and give them a good childhood whilst not enjoying being a parent. As moany farts like me are proof of.

Plus side... I quite like when mine are sleeping. The house is dead quiet!

I completely second what Jaggypines wrote, I could have written it word for word! I adore my kids but parenting takes everything out of me. My life is SO much harder than it ever was and even though I love my children, I hate the fact I’ve lost myself. It’s HARD.

I also hate the pressure of having children has put on my marriage. We( DH and I) used to be SO happy and now, all we do is take care of the children...and argue😥

Ive never really understood what people mean when they say parenting is so rewarding?? It's exhausting, relentless and very worrying and it goes on for bloody years!

Could I just point out that ADHD doesn’t cause children to be angry, aggressive or lash out. Children with ADHD aren’t classified by emotional issues- it’s a neuro-cognitive disorder.

Does he struggle with instructions, listening and organising? Does he exhibit repetitive obsessive behaviour? Has the school raised any concerns with his ability to process daily classroom activities?

Regardless of whether he has ADHD, he still needs to see a child psychologist or a counsellor to help with his unexplained anger- a sign of troubling unhappiness. Contacting the GP is the first step forward but your friend will have to be very stubborn with them to ensure she gets the right help.

RaspberryK: work is so much easier than being with kids all day.

Couldn't agree more!

Her ds is probably responding to the situation/her mood (not her fault of course!) I hope she gets the support she needs, that would make a huge difference to the both. Children often show sadness through anger. I wouldn't be punishing him but would keep trying to build a connection, responding with concern and limits rather than shame/punishment. Must be a v confusing world for him.

I am another who hates the parenting part. I love and adore my DC (7 and 9) but feel sad that i could never be the type of mum that I wanted to be; the cuddly, soft spoken, gentle parenting sort. We have plenty of kisses and cuddles but I feel all I do is fucking shout at the constant fighting, whining, backchat, their inability to listen to and follow any instructions. After a recent playdate, older DS now feels he hates our perfectly fine house, our garden, his bedroom, his toys, his mum, his LIFE, because friend has everything bigger and better and his mum is 'SO much nicer' than me.

I feel I had some sort of undiagnosed PTSD after my 1st (traumatic birth, surgically attached crying baby for a full year), and now all these years later I still get worked up over small things and it's absolutely exhausting trying to hide my emotions from the DC. The GP would think am crazy to talk to him about it 9 years too late. But i should, shouldn't I.

Oh VaperCut you definitely should.. that's a really honest and heartfelt post and your son's words have really stuck, tho of course he wouldn't swap you and was only sounding off I'm sure! You can change if you want to. I know Laura Markham, child psychologist, does an online parenting course that's meant to be good for keeping calm. Definitely talk to someone, non judgmental friend, counsellor or on here. I'll bet you've done a great job and like the rest of us, you're very tough on yourself.

Thank you Mikado I know he loves me a lot, they both do, but it's given me the kick in the teeth I needed to acknowledge I can be a nicer mum and less shouty. I was largely ignored as a child (one of six siblings). At the time it suited me fine as I hated attention and enjoyed doing my own thing, but I feel like am facing the repercussions now of the lack of love amd attention? I don't know. It seems unfair blaming my parents for my parenting.

I will look into Laura Markham's online course. I think that is something that would suit me better (I have done a group parenting course and several workshops and didn't find them beneficial, as naturally we tend to hold back from being entirely honest infront of others).

Sorry OP, not hijacking your thread. Will disappear now!

Your childhood of course effects your parenting. You're not blaming by acknowledging that! And

No clue what happened there!!

I often fake it till I make it with the cheer and it's definitely contagious. I try to actually decide something is not going to bother me, it's not an emergency, it's all v normal childhood things etc. if they're driving me mad! Do look into that course, I know there's a big focus on yourself and staying calm above other strategies as such, as so much flows from the relationship. Best of luck. Start another thread if you think it would help.

I love my dc to bits. Would give my life for them.

But fuck me it's stressful. I don't think I've felt relaxed, really relaxed, since I've had children. There's just too much worry, particularly if you have a child with a chronic illness which mine has, and ADD. It's never ending. I'm pregnant now and I know my dh wants more but I can't figure out why?! It's too fucking stressful. Why the fuck would you want more of that?!

I've always thought I'm a very family oriented person who likes kids, but I've realised I'm quite looking forward to retiring in 30 years so I can be my own person! Which is bloody depressing. 30 years until I can do what I want. I'd hoped to be the kind of granny that helps out and babysits etc. But when I was talking to my dh the other day about our kids having kids I blurted out 'I won't be doing childcare.' He said 'oh come on you love kids, you'll want to be involved' and was shocked when I said 'like fuck. When I've raised my kids I'm done. I'm not raising anyone else's. I'll be off travelling'.

I'll be a terrible granny.

@VaperCut please talk to your doctor, trauma from long ago has a huge affect on our psyche, and the very fact that after all this time it’s still right-there shows it’s not gone into the right part of your brain.

Re the OP, it may be her parenting style your friend’s eldest reacts against...I had to make a conscious decision to try new ways with my fifth when she was five years old, what had worked for all my others was not helping her at all. I needed different discipline techniques/calming techniques/explaining techniques. They obviously didn’t come naturally but my daughter’s needs were priority and I persevered. She’s still very emotional and quick to lash out when angry at nearly 10 but the school, CAMHS and I reinforce each other very well and she has that security. A lot of it is calming techniques tbh. Your friend needs the energy to keep trying. None of us realise how bloody hard it all is. Not children’s fault though so we have a duty to be the best we can be.