Do any parents dislike parenting full stop?

[Breastfeedingworries]

I really wasn’t sure where to put this thread. It sort of fits into AIBU but I didn’t want to be misunderstood.

I’ve got a friend, she’s got two sons aged 2 and 9. She suffered undiagnosed post natal drepression with her first, I think their relationships is massively damaged. From what’s she’s said to me, And how she feels. Her bond with her younger son is much stronger but where her first son is confident her youngest clings to her. Her eldest is so angry, he breaks things and lashes out. She’s been told and I’ve asked her if he’s been tested for ADHD. He’s got a doctors appointment soon, but I think it’s very late, as family and friends have been saying it since he was a toddler. I don’t think he means to lash out, and I think he’s very unhappy being told off all the time, by teachers as well as family.

Anyway my friend is lovely, sweet, and kind and really does her best but she hates being a parent. She’s lovely to her friends and other adults but she’s not very affectionate to her children (her parents weren’t to her) she’s not playful person either really so hasn’t been able to bond with play.

I want to support her really, and ask if anyone else out there is like this? Clearly parenting maybe wasn’t what they thought it was and how friends have helped then?

I really want her to find joy in parenting, I know she’s in an unhappy long term relationship as well. We’re going out this Saturday, and I know she lives for any break she can get.

Let me know thanks mums

Yes I feel totally downtrodden by parenting, sometimes it's like being in an abusive relationship I can't leave (DS has additional needs and high anxiety). I don't know what the answer is except to keep going and hopefully both make it out the other side without too much damage.

I don't like parenting. It's not for me. It doesn't make me happy. Our friends starred having kids so we thought ok. Its was ok for a bit. I was happy. Around 15 wks pregnant I knew I made such a huge mistake and I've paid the price. Ds is 6. We muddle a long.i get throughly knowing one he wont need me as much and I will get my life back

Sometimes I absolutely love being a parent. Other times I find it relentless drudgery.

I agree there’s probably a lot of people who have a child and realised they weren’t suited to it ...

but why did they ho on to have subsequent children, if it’s just so awful? That’s a genuine question. I really don’t get it.

I identify. No PND with me, everything normal and easy, i love my child but hate parenting, and it did wreck my marriage ...tho i blame exDH for that.

I love my dd and love being a parent when we're out and about at groups and such but when we're home, I just find it so boring and stressful.
It's the same stuff day in, day out and she's spends half the day throwing tantrums which drive me crazy.
I'm pregnant and due next week and honestly spend half my time questioning how I'll cope.

Thank you so much for starting this thread. It just what need to read today. I’ve spent the last 24hrs contemplating whether to run away (only 1/2 joking) or go back to work full time (currently 3 days a week). DS came into bed with us last night at ??1am because he was having nightmares, and asked 150 times between getting up at 6 and leaving the house at 6.45 to drop him at the child minders if he could have breakfast. He knows there isn’t time for breakfast before we leave the house. Yesterday dd ‘said ‘hurry up, mummy’s really angry’, and I just wanted to cry. Yes, I was really angry, but it’s because the 2 of them had alternatively ignored everything I’d asked and fought over the tv for the 45 minutes before we left the house. And DS has only one voice level - shouting. I’m sure our neighbours hate us, he just shouts outside all the time. I just don’t have the patience to deal with the fighting, the inability to do anything on the first or even 4th time of asking and I think they’d be better off without me around totally loosing it with them on an increasingly regular basis.

My eldest has ADHD and his father was really unsupportive so I've been there on both counts. I also have ADHD myself (diagnosed in adulthood) which is fairly common if a child has ADHD - that one or both parents have it too.

I don't hate parenting, but obviously like anything there are two sides to the whole thing and in parenting particularly if you're doing it on your own and you're struggling (due to child having challenging behaviour or your own difficulties) the highs can be high but the lows can be LOW. There are definitely times when I would have said I hated parenting or wasn't suited to it. Come back to me when DS2 hits that combative toddler stage and I might well say it again :o - more realistically, I think for me it's been a combination of things.

Overwhelm/burnout. Extremely likely particularly if her partner is not supportive of her and she's doing 80-100% of parenting, possibly combined with resentment/anger at him being there but not doing his share. If this is also an unhappy relationship in terms of him expecting her to serve him, then add more layers of obligation/guilt/resentment on top. Don't underestimate this, it's absolutely massive. It only gets slightly better if you split up as well, since you're still doing everything yourself unless your ex takes the children regularly. You need breaks in parenting and if she's not getting a break ever it can really mess with your head. I didn't genuinely understand this until I had time to directly compare - when I was with XP or on my own it was just the normal state of being and I didn't think it mattered. Fast forward to DS2, supportive DH who suddenly went away for a weekend - I was knackered and when he got back and didn't immediately take over childcare I buckled with it. It's only a comparison you can make when you have the choice to stop doing it, but I hadn't realised how much of a toll it must have taken during the years I did not.

Difficult behaviour from child. It can just rob a lot of the rewarding moments from you and/or tip the balance so that there is much more rough than smooth and that's hard. But it can be really hard to change this if other supports aren't in place. It takes a huge amount of energy and focus that she simply may not have to spare at the moment. I agree with a PP as well that the behaviour sounds like an unhappy child rather than an ADHD child per se - but ADHD can cause poor regulation of emotions and when badly managed, that cycle of child behaving poorly so constantly being told off leading to general unhappiness/damaged relationships with adults leading to poor behaviour is extremely common. It's up to the adults to break the cycle though. And that's true whether it's just unhappiness or unhappiness combined with something like ADHD.

Falsely high expectations - I became a mum very young and had always wanted kids. In reality looking back I think I wanted to extend childhood. It was like I didn't realise I'd have to be the mum. I do enjoy the mum role and the parenting part for several aspects of it but I didn't know I'd have grown out of enjoying playing, I didn't think about having to fake affection when I don't feel especially affectionate, I didn't understand (for a long time) how much stability you need to establish first in order to be flexible, how many times you need to say no to make the yes a valuable, exciting currency. How much I'd have to curtail my own bad habits (laziness, excessive screen time, messiness...) in order to be a positive example. And I'd always been good at most things I attempted before, as long as I was interested in them - so I expected to be good at parenting, because I knew a lot of the theory.

In terms of plan of action - yes GP for support for child. Maybe family therapy? Is she at a point of considering ending this unhappy relationship or not at the minute? That does help IME but also adds a layer of complexity and may deplete her resources even more in the short term.

Cryer - I feel exactly the same. My DD has stated she doesn't want kids and I'm thinking 'great, no need to babysit'. I too want to be off travelling, living the life I dreamed about, without having to cajole, nag, persuade etc. etc. every step of the way. I have made it perfectly clear to my kids that if they have kids I'll babysit for them to go out for a meal, the pictures, the fun stuff but I'm not doing childminding. Their choice!

It's interesting your DH's perspective 'oh but you love kids'. My DH was similar in the thought that 'of course you must want kids'. Actually I didn't. I had them because there is so much societal pressure that I might regret it if I don't. You know, the great need to procreate. Well I am definitely one of those who would have been quite happy not to do so.

@BertieBotts

I’d never thought about it like that but yes, I probably hate parenting because I never get a break and am doing 95% of it on my own, my eldest has a neurological condition too so of course needs extra input and I’ve struggled to hold down a job as I constantly need to take time off to get DC to hospital appointments and look after when off sick.

I love my dd.

But I also whisper 50 times a day 'omfg leave me allooooonnneeee'

I also think it can be how you grew up, I didn’t have a mummy mum, hence was left to entertain myself , consequently I’ve never been a get down on the floor with Lego type mum. I found teen stage with boys harder than babies to be honest

I love this thread because I now realise others feel the same way as me. Thanks everyone.

Just to put a different slant on it. I thought I hated parenting until I got out of my long term unhappy relationship. Turns out I absolutely love parenting but the relationship and atmosphere in the house was sucking every last bit of energy and joy out of me. If she is in an unhappy relationship that is where I'd start.

I agree with the relationship part. If she’s unhappy with that then she’s not going to feel great to be giving it her all elsewhere. My dh is a good husband and dad but, and this is where it sticks in my craw, I have to spoon feed him on how to be. I have to point out where the kids need a bit of paternal involvement, where he needs to back me up, where he should just take over. I resent that. If your pal’s got an unsupportive partner then she’ll be struggling to just be herself.

Not that it helps the current situation but there needs to be more openness about NOT having kids and that it’s ok. Even just reading this thread there are obviously folk who would be just as happy, if not happier, without them.

Thanks for the replies all!

I’ve been out with her and the children and my dd today, we went for lunch and swimming.

Oh Reguarding her eldest maybe having ADHD I didn’t give enough background, it isn’t his emotions. It’s his behaviour and hyperactivity, I just link him being unhappy with him not being supported with it. His anger, is separate.

I just wanted to talk about my main part of the thread which was the idea some people just don’t like parenting. She doesn’t enjoy being with her youngest either really.

I know you might think she’s horrid or toxic ect but she isn’t. She’s kind, does everything for everyone and just isn’t happy about it. She struggles with her feelings for eldest I think because she was so young, her Mum said if she aborted her baby none of the family would speak to her again.

I think we her second she almost wanted to prove she could be a loving Mum, their bond is stronger but he clings to her and has no Independence. He’s 3 in August, still has a bottle, dummies, nappies. I’m not judging as all children grow up at different rates it’s just like she’s keeping him a baby.

Anyway I’m tired don’t really know where I’m going with it all 😴

My heart goes out to everyone else struggling. Hope this thread is a useful hand hold xx

Most kids are still in nappies at 3 surely? From what I have heard it's not uncommon for kids to start school still in pull ups.

Is he getting some solid food in addition to bottles?

Anyway this is a hard one for me to answer because my son was 5 when I first met him. (I TTC for 20 years.) I must say that I found parenting much, much more enjoyable when it was just me and my son. My H was a lovely dad during the baby stage, but could not handle dealing with a child who had some independence of thought, or doing shit like taking them to the dentist or going to parent teacher evenings. This made every parenting task really difficult. I felt I needed to protect my son from his dad, but felt I couldn't as he was my H's bio son and not mine.

My son is now in his 20s, lives with me. We have a brilliant relationship. We share the same sense of humour, interest in scientific and natural subjects, and usually enjoy the same films/TV.

So for me - it's been a long journey but once he got into his teens I enjoyed our relationship more and more. Realistically I think I would have found the pre-school years very hard. For the whole time I was TTC the plan was for me to continue work and for my partner to be the SAHP. There is no way on earth I would have considered staying at home with a baby all day.

Hope things get better for your friend. If she's in a shit relationship then that will be affecting both her DC.

Oh honestly I thought 3 was late maybe I’m wrong :/ I’m not there yet with my dd so like I said no expert.

Happy you’ve got a great relationship with your son :)

I’m going to speak to This friend on Saturday about everything. It’s on my mind and worried about her and the children.

As a pp put it, i love my kids dearly but i hate parenting. What is there to like ? The stress, constant exhaustion, the disrespectful, dumb or dangerous behaviour, my shouting, refereeing the "it's not fair!" siblings, the low grade whining, the ingratitude, the guilt when im at work and miss some shitty school thing "but XYZ's mummy was there", the exponential number of menial tasks like chauffeuring, laundry, running a cafe at home, washing up, cleaning, tidying, early onset dementia, endless PA diary scheduling, pretending to like their terrible artwork, pretending they have any talent, pretending to be patient when they cant get schoolwork, the prep talks, my nagging voice, the appalling lack of personal hygiene, the destroyed furniture/house, the lack of downtime, the lack of any alone time, the lack of any time with DH (best contraception ever), the constantly empty fridge and unflushed toilets, the packing for holidays, dealing with real and fake tears, the illness (actually they are calmer when ill), the fake 'you are the best mummy' when they want something from you, the hyperactivity at bedtime, the school and social and emotional stuff... btw mine are only 4 & 5 so typing this im wondering what the next decade is going to be like.

i suspect my personality type (more rational/detatched, less social, not the teacher sort) struggle to deal with little mental emo psycho nutcases.

However i am NOT depressed and constantly feel blessed. It is thankless but i dont expect thanks, it's a perverse joy. Its probably an evolutionary mechanism so we dont just give up and leave the kids...there is usually at least one cute heart-warming moment most days. Life without them would be too easy, purposeless, self-centred and depressing.

@Thisisbear I had a good giggle at "pretending to like their terrible artwork, pretending they have any talent"

Me. Love my kids, loath parenting them

Agree. I dislike kids in general. I love my own but I find parenting frustrating and I have never really had the patience for it. Each child I've thought it would be different this time. I much prefer them older when they can entertain themselves and do their own thing. Never been one to sit and play with them for hours on end etc. Some of us are just wired different. I love them and am protective of them but I'm not overly affectionate and gushy over them.

Others I have next to no tolerance for and will avoid as much as I can so we rarely had play dates and parties. My friends are only just having kids now in their 40s while I'm long, long past it so they've become a mothers group and I hardly see them now.

I do often think pretty much anyone I know has been a better parent than me but I can't change that now.

I'd say 3 was a bit late for a dummy and nappies - not horrendous, just not ideal & I'd wonder about having them both assessed.

Both of my DC have some issues and undergoing assessment - the sleep deprivation makes me want to cry some days, I've 2 DC, neither slept well for the first 5 years, second hasn't started sleeping well yet and 9 years into never feeling rested my health isn't what it should be due to continual tiredness. The DC that isn't sleeping is also hard work in the day to keep safe.

I do think it's normal to feel a bit trapped in your friend's shoes, does she ever talk about good moments? There are always some good moments. I try not to dwell on the regrets about loss of career, free time and get through the bad days however I can.

FWIW, my DC is a late buggy user, I imagine your friend feels awful and judged re dummy and nappy, but there may well be reasons that haven't been discovered yet, I'd urge a GP and HV trip onto her or a referral to physio/OT etc. My DC has reasons I've recently discovered after a year of slinking around feeling like a parent pariah with a huge kid in a buggy.

I can understand. Parenting is tough. And if your parenting a SN child it's doubly tough and isolating. I haven't enjoyed a lot of it. Having a second NT child, who is so easy, only confirms that the dc1 is so hard.

Only people who have a child like you can understand the journey that you've gone through.

some people have easy children! I've met plenty of them and they're lovely and those peoples parenting journeys are not the same as other peoples, easier.

Others, their journey can be pretty tough.

how can you not realise this?

Nappy thing seems to have changed in a decade. When DS1 was little it was apparently quite normal, most people seemed to potty train somewhere around the third birthday, 2 was considered early. Now I'm hearing that 3 is terribly late Long term of course it doesn't matter. Dummies fairly normal at 3 as well. Seems a common time to stop - 3.5/4ish.

It is late for a bottle, but I was still breastfeeding DS1 at that age. I understand with bottles, it's not great for their teeth.