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Original poster

female "friend" - what is acceptable and what isn't?

59 replies

blink182x · 15/07/2019 18:01

Would you be ok if your partner spoke on the phone a few times a week with a female "friend" who is nearly half your partner's age. This female friend also texts your partner, she send pictures of her son etc. Partner says all they talk about is work, but I find the whole thing really weird. Why is she calling my partner multiple times a week? Why is she sending pictures of her son to my partner? He doesn't see anything wrong with it, but it bothers me! Am I overreacting? Would you be ok with this?

OP posts:
notyourkindofgirl · 16/07/2019 09:08

I wouldn't be ok with that

thesnapandfartisinfallible · 16/07/2019 09:12

I'd be fine with that Confused
I have male friends who I talk to often and we also text and send pics. Are you only allowed close friends of the same sex now?

MikeUniformMike · 16/07/2019 09:13

How long have you been with your partner and how well do you know him. How long has he been friends with this woman? How old is her son? What does her son have to do with work?

Pinkmonkeybird · 16/07/2019 09:13

Depends on how long they've been friends for. Is she new on the scene?

I wouldn't be happy to be honest!

AllStar14 · 16/07/2019 09:14

Those things wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 16/07/2019 09:15

She is probably calling him because they are friends and she fancies a chat with him Confused

Are people in relationships not supposed to have friends?

SandyY2K · 16/07/2019 09:20

It's more the content of their conversation that would be an issue...but from what you've said it doesn't sound untoward.

My other question would be if you were speaking to a male with the same regularity, would he be okay with it? Quite often..ppl are fine when they do it, but wouldn't want the reverse.

newmomof1 · 16/07/2019 09:26

It's a problem if you're not comfortable with it - that's the long and short of the situation really.

When she calls, does he answer?
Does he stay in the room with you?
Is she calling about work?
What does her son have to do with work?
Is he happy for you the read the messages? Are they texting constantly or occasionally?
Would you be bothered if he was having the same level of contact with a man?
Would you be bothered if she was the same age as him or older?
Do they socialise outside of work?

Scorpiovenus · 16/07/2019 09:34

As my user name suggests

I would not allow that. lol. And I suggest you don't either.

Personally id just get a better man that doesn't need a kids outlook to stay young. idiot probably thinks he has a chance, when the old guys at work used to do this made me laugh. Men think that young women are into them she might be bored and I bet he gives her money too

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/07/2019 09:39

It doesn’t sound very sexy, really, does it? Talking about work and photos of her son.

If it bothers you, it bothers you. It’s not really for anyone else to decide whether that’s justified. If it bothers you enough to want to end your relationship then that’s what you should do. No shame in that. What wouldn’t be on would be for you to try and make him give up contact with a friend because of your own insecurities and jealousy.

Dillydoun · 16/07/2019 09:45

I have two good male friends. We were never ever together & were always like brother & sister. Any partner I’ve had can see that & they’ve been cool with it but their WAGS, not so much Confused So much so, with one guy I never saw him again without her & she and I didn’t have the same in common. Now I’m more or less friends with her & I see him with her only.

I tell you...platonic friendships aren’t easy on the heart. All those years of friendship and then dropped like a hot cake when the long term GF comes along. In my experience, it’s the women who have an issue. None of my boyfriends and now husband have had an issue...

Having said that, a few times per week might be a touch too frequent? My brother and I are close and we’d speak once per fortnight max. I think a few times per week is pretty intimate IMHO. I don’t speak to anyone that regularly, maybe others do though ...

What does your DH say? Have you discussed this thoroughly with him?

Original poster
blink182x · 16/07/2019 09:45

will try answer some of the questions. Her son is about 4/5 years old I think. When we are together he doesn’t answer her phone calls, or will answer and will say that he is with me and that they will talk another time. Also noticed a message on his work phone (he has 2 mobiles), he explains her that he has been with me the whole week and has his other phone off to avoid arguments (with me). He also said he would call her. I don’t think she sees him as just a friend to be honest and I don’t fully trust my partner. I have told him that it bothers me and asked him if he was ok if it was me calling a male friend all the time! He said he would be if he had met him?? Well I haven’t met this girl and don’t plan on meeting her. I would be ok with a call every now and then but nearly everyday I’m not happy

OP posts:
LemonTT · 16/07/2019 09:48

If it is a problem for you then it is a problem for you. But it isn’t necessarily a problem for him. Many people have friends and some are of the opposite sex. Work friends are quite common and you have to talk to them a lot sometimes because of work.

My own DP has lots of work friends of both sexes, young and old, fat and thin, some even work in accounts and one is called Kevin. They chat and text and share photos. He is that type of person. I’m not a great one for phone conversations but like a lot of people I need to do it for work. I expect there are a disproportionately high number of calls to people from work on my phone. A few are to younger men. And these days the calls will be outside work hours.

The question is why is this a particular problem for you as there must be more to this. But if there isn’t then I recommend that you reflect on your own capacity to trust/need to control and whether this is the right relationship for you.

Original poster
blink182x · 16/07/2019 09:48

Thing is I don’t know if all they talk about is work, that’s what my partner says!

OP posts:
Dillydoun · 16/07/2019 09:48

Yeah that doesn’t sound good ... why not meet her though? I think that’d clarify things so you could see how they are together?

Dillydoun · 16/07/2019 09:50

Also noticed a message on his work phone (he has 2 mobiles), he explains her that he has been with me the whole week and has his other phone off to avoid arguments (with me)

I’d run a mile from any kind of friendship with anyone if they told me this tbh ... that is not healthy or the usual thing in casual work friendships!!

Original poster
blink182x · 16/07/2019 09:51

She doesn’t work with him, but used to I think!

OP posts:
Dillydoun · 16/07/2019 09:51

You need to meet her & find out more about this friendship ...

hellsbellsmelons · 16/07/2019 09:55

A few times a week is way too much.
I have really good friends and we don't communicate that much.
Sorry, but I would not be happy with this.
Does he talk and communicate this much with his other friends?
I bet he doesn't.

How long have you been together?
TBH, I'd throw this one back.

newmomof1 · 16/07/2019 09:56

I don't see why they'd still be in touch if they only discussed work and no longer work together.
It's also weird that he won't speak to her when you're there.

He knows it's upsetting you and carries on regardless.
That's out of order.
She also knows it's affecting his relationship and hasn't backed off. Why?

How long have you been together?

ALittleBitAlexis · 16/07/2019 10:01

I find the idea of chatting on the phone several times a week with anything quite intense. I’d avoid calls of anyone trying to phone me that often!

Is he a generally chatty person, does he do this with anyone else, or just her? Does she have any issues that make him not want to reduce contact in case it hurts her?

ALittleBitAlexis · 16/07/2019 10:02

*anyone

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 16/07/2019 10:04

Having read your update no no no. This is not a mere 'friendship' or soon won't be.

Pipandmum · 16/07/2019 10:05

I doubt they’re just talking about work. I think he may be lying to you as he knows his relationship with her bothers you. If it was me, I’d want to meet the woman. Does she have a partner? Suggest they come over for dinner. Show her how you and your partner are a firm couple etc. Be breezy and confident and friendly. If she is thinking she may have a chance for a romantic relationship she should be put off. Once you are an actual person in her mind, and she is in yours, things may calm down in your mind.
And if they are genuine friends, don’t you want to know her anyway?

Dillydoun · 16/07/2019 10:22

As I said already I really think you should meet her. Him telling her that he has a separate phone so you don’t get annoyed gives her so much power! You meeting her and being friendly gives you the power.

You may observe flirtation etc when you’re in their company & if you do, then you need no more evidence ...