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Original poster

female "friend" - what is acceptable and what isn't?

59 replies

blink182x · 15/07/2019 18:01

Would you be ok if your partner spoke on the phone a few times a week with a female "friend" who is nearly half your partner's age. This female friend also texts your partner, she send pictures of her son etc. Partner says all they talk about is work, but I find the whole thing really weird. Why is she calling my partner multiple times a week? Why is she sending pictures of her son to my partner? He doesn't see anything wrong with it, but it bothers me! Am I overreacting? Would you be ok with this?

OP posts:

xoxoluna · 16/07/2019 10:40

No I wouldn't be ok with this. I assume the girl's partner is out of the picture?

If they are such good friends, why aren't your husband introducing you to her so you two could meet?

BlueCornsihPixie · 16/07/2019 10:42

My DP has quite a few female friends and for me I think you can always tell if it's nothing. I've never had any worry about his female friends, there was one I thought fancied him but it was very obvious that he didn't. We know how our DPs act when they fancy someone because it's how they acted with us

Things that make me comfortable are:

They are always keen to meet me
When they do meet me they know details of my life, so it's obvious DP talks about me
DP talks about them casually, in the same way he talks about male friends
If they are messaging him he never hides it from me
He acts the same with me as always when they are there
He never overstep the mark, calling twice a week is too much

There's loads of other things but basically what I'm saying is I think if you feel dodgy about it, it probably is. Because I've never felt any concern about DP

Hidingtonothing · 16/07/2019 10:52

That message you saw, explaining why he hadn't contacted her would put this firmly into 'not ok' territory. It sounded just like a man explaining to his mistress why he hasn't been in touch. Also the fact that he chooses not to speak to her if she calls while he's with you, again it smacks of affair behaviour, what would he need to say to her that he couldn't say in front of you?

It would be over for me (my tolerance level for this kind of shit is zero) but if you're sticking around OP at the very least I'd be giving him a straight choice between this friendship and your relationship. A 'friend' should never come above a partner and if the friendship is causing you upset it should be an easy choice for him to walk away rather than cause his DP pain.

FriarTuck · 16/07/2019 11:07

It sounded just like a man explaining to his mistress why he hasn't been in touch.
Now to me it sounds like someone either explaining why they've not rushed to respond (and him not taking her calls when he's with you is good because it means he's not prioritising her but you, and that he doesn't feel the need to drop everything and rush out of the room) or putting a bit of space between them much like people are advised to on here when they've got someone being too intense at contact ('take your time responding' 'tell them you're busy with family' etc - be it a 'friend', MIL or work colleague)
And sending pictures of your son isn't exactly what you'd do to someone you want to shag surely? I can't think he's going to be thinking 'oh what a lovely picture, I wish I could leave OP and have a family with this person'

Dillydoun · 16/07/2019 11:28

But why would anyone need to contact someone that often? Why such regular calls? What are you thinking, OP? What's your next step going to be? I know we can give all the advice in the world but you'll do what suits you, in your gut...

SavingSpaces2019 · 16/07/2019 12:27

I have told him that it bothers me and asked him if he was ok if it was me calling a male friend all the time! He said he would be if he had met him?? Well I haven’t met this girl and don’t plan on meeting her
There you go - double standards.
Are you going to tolerate that?

He knows this level of contact is not ok AND he knows you are bothered by it.
He doesn't care though because he's getting his ego stroked (if not more) by two women.
He cares about you sooooo much that he's just basically told you to your face that he doesn't respect you and will do exactly as he pleases.

Get rid of him.

TeaForTheWin · 16/07/2019 13:22

Doesn't sound like a friendship to me. Sounds more like she is the other woman and thinks he is just staying with you 'until the divorce is final' or some other shit. Tell him to invite her round for dinner. He shouldn't have a problem with his wife ALSO becoming friends with this woman half his age. If he makes excuses or says no, then I would be packing his bags for him tbh because he's told you all you need to know.

TeaForTheWin · 16/07/2019 13:25

Also might be worth googling 'narcissistic triangulation'. And the fact that you 'don't want to meet her' might be part of his engeneering as they like to play the two women off against each other like a puppet master. She may be being lied to too. Meet her if you can. She isn't your enemy. He however, might be.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/07/2019 13:26

When we are together he doesn’t answer her phone calls, or will answer and will say that he is with me and that they will talk another time

And why would he behave like his if it really is "just about work"?

If it walks like a duck, etc, etc ...

Pinktinker · 16/07/2019 13:28

So he mostly uses this second phone for her, doesn’t speak to her when you’re around and she’s in regular contact when you’re not around?

Yeah, either she or you are the OW.

TeaForTheWin · 16/07/2019 13:31

Wonder if it is his kid.

MikeUniformMike · 16/07/2019 13:34

How old is your partner?Are you nearer his age or the friend's?
Do you and your partner have children, and are you both their biologigal parents?

How did you see the message? Were you snooping or was the phone just lying around? Was this before or after he got the second phone.
Is the second phone a work one?

MikeUniformMike · 16/07/2019 13:36

I wonder if it is his kid
Me too. Might not be but she may be the ' madonna and child ' that he has a crush on, especially if he has no children.

Catapultaway · 16/07/2019 13:45

The issue is that you say you don't trust him, why is that? Has he got previous?

I suppose it depends on context, nothing you have said would particularly bother me. My DH has plenty of female friends, some he has known longer than me. Same with calls, he generally doesn't take calls when with me, but nor do I when I'm with him, it's a bit rude.

Fizzypoo · 16/07/2019 13:47

I think it's totally normal to be friends with the opposite sex. If you're insecure in your relationship where your dp having a female friend is a problem then you have issues that need to be worked on before having a healthy relationship.

However, this isn't a friendship, your dh would rather upset you and argue about it than put you first. You don't know this girl and your dh is being disloyal by talking about arguing with you to her. Two phone calls and texting is way to much. I wouldn't put up with this. I wouldn't want my dp to be my dp after this, you're obviously not the most important person to him. Have my first LTB

PicsInRed · 16/07/2019 13:51

Who's your Daddy.

Morgan12 · 16/07/2019 13:53

Well I have Male friends who I had before I met DH. We now all form our current friendship group. But if I'd to go out and make a new Male friend now I reckon DH wouldn't be happy. And neither would I if roles were reversed.

Grumpelstilskin · 16/07/2019 13:58

Nope, I would mind that a lot. DH has some female friends but not frequent contac with them. His focus is on his own relationship with me and family. There were a couple of single women who tried to instigate contact and attempted to rope my DH in to help them with assorted 'emergencies'. They were unimpressed when we both turned up and DH told them that I was far better at DIY. Funny enough, they did not ask again, especially after I politely told them that they would need to learn to do DIY themselves and/or establish their own support network. I totally trust my DH and not's even jealousy but I expect him to prioritise me and the DC.

Yabbers · 16/07/2019 14:34

Well I haven’t met this girl and don’t plan on meeting her

Why not? Meeting her would be the right thing to do if you are suspicious.

Original poster

blink182x · 16/07/2019 15:11

Regarding the 2 phones, he always had 2 phones, one is for work, the other one is his personal phone. She split up with her boyfriend recently. I have spoke to my partner about this a couple of days ago and he said that she sees him as a father figure bla bla bla, I told him that’s rubbish and she wouldn’t contact him as often as she does unless she wanted something. He knows it bothers me and he said he will do something about it! To be quite honest he will have to choose between his friendship or our relationship (he told me a while ago that she is his friend and that I have to accept it). I know a lot of people are ok with this, but I’m not, there is just too much contact, it’s anytime any day and I’m not having it. I don’t think her kid is his, but it’s a good point! We have a child together.

OP posts:

Littlejets · 16/07/2019 15:48

Sorry if I missed a reply containing the answer to this but was he friends with her before you both got together??

My DP has a lot of female friends, I hate it but accept it as they were around before I was on the scene. However there is also one in particular who also sends pics of her and her child, I find it odd, I can't help that I feel that way. The way I look at it (which helps) is if he wanted to be with any of the other women in his life, he wouldn't have started dating me. I do trust my DP though which helps.

managedmis · 16/07/2019 15:53

Why isn't he friends with an older guy, who has a kid?

Why her?

Grumpelstilskin · 16/07/2019 16:07

Yeah, I would call bollocks on the father figure suggestion, sugar daddy more likely. He should focus on you and your DC. This thread reminded me when DH and I first met, there were some women around who were fawning over him and I made it clear that once with me, I would not tolerate him being their white knight and him rushing to help them. He is a very kind and helpful man and while single quite a few latched on to him. One woman in particular was forever pushing her kid on him, whenever we bumped into her at an event, she would try to get my DH to pose with her son etc, with me not in the picture, so it would look like they are a small family. To DH’s credit, he very much realised that it was a bit off and only posed with me in his arms. She backed off pretty soon. Possibly more due to my raised eyebrows that tends to scare most people off. My DH made me his priority. But then, I did not even pretend to be a cool GF at the time and was very direct about not being ok with any other women encroaching on our precious time together. It’s never about some other random woman but about your DP putting you first. And it doeesn't matter if he has known them before you.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 16/07/2019 16:44

Invite her for a bbq or dinner. If she refuses that would be interesting and give you every reason to feel insecure

Shadow1234 · 16/07/2019 18:13

Don't just invite her round for dinner, invite her and her son for dinner! Young children are very good at giving the game away if anything untoward was happening. Your husbands reaction at the mere suggestion of a dinner together might just tell you all you need to know.

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