Unhappy with life since we moved to the Countryside

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Wife & I met and lived in London for many years - once we had our first child my wife was offered a job in Birmingham - we figured this was a better option for us as a location to raise a family - She has always been the main breadwinner and I managed to secure a job as manager of a restaurant - I was the main carer for the children when they were small and she worked in the day & I did evening & Night shifts! We were very happy here - managed to have a bit of a social life and saved heaps on childcare with our alternating shifts!

About a year ago my wife was offered a new job in Cornwall - seemed like an idyllic place to move/good for the kids, the dream opportunity in many ways! However I regret this move everyday - I feel so bet down, I work at a local cafe part time, which is such a step down from my old job, I earn way less money and am struggling to find anything else in our tiny town.

I am totally reliant on my wife, am basically driving my kids around all day, both school runs, after school activities - the school is far away and main dangerous roads all the way there so no option but to drive!

I have struggled to meet anyone new outside the parents at the school who I don't seem to have much in common with!

There is nothing to do, we have no childcare, so we never really get out as a couple - not that my wife seems very interested in doing anything with me anyway!

I wanted to attend my brothers 40th recently in London and she shut me down immediately saying we can't afford for me to take a trip like that and that I am selfish to even want to spend family money on something for me - in the end she "let" me go but was annoyed about it in the lead up and afterwards. (We are always at her family events, but we rarely see mine !)

I am so miserable, I hate my life, but I love my kids, they are everything to me and I do not want to leave - but I don't know how much more of this I can take, I feel like my independence is gone, I am so reliant on my wife, she won't discuss other options (childcare or moving so I can get a decent job again and gain some independence and contribute to the household income again!) I miss my family, I never get to attend any of their events, haven't even met some of my nieces & nephews, I miss out on a lot and am always missing from my family events because "we can't afford for me to go or she needs me at home, kids need me etc!

We see her family all the time - her mother comes to stay for weeks at a time and we pop up to see her sister every other weekend for various family events!

I don't know what to do to be happy again - should I leave? Where would I go, what about my kids - I feel so lost and down! :(

How old are your kids? Does she not earn much at the moment?

Could you consider retraining? Going to college to get some other qualifications so you can earn more? I know Cornwall isn't a hive of industry but there is the tourism....what about opening your own cafe or even a food van?

It soudns miserable and you perhaps need to lay it out to her....childcare isn't an optional thing if both parents want to work!

Sorry OP but you have fallen into the trap that many women fall into. Your best move is to speak openly and honestly with your wife so that she knows how unhappy you are, then take it from there.

How old are your children? If they are primary school aged then you need to sort something out as you have many years of this ahead of you. If they are in secondary school at least you have the prospect of more independence soon.

It’s worth considering that if you stay there your children will also struggle to find employment locally, so a move could be beneficial to more than just you.

thanks @HennyPennyHorror - she has a very good job and we are earning enough that we can pay the mortgage, run 2 cars and live a decent enough everyday lifestyle - we don't have any extra money really for holidays abroad or anything extravagant, but there is money there for treats and nice days out but I don't feel worthy of it because of my low income!

Kids are 8 & 10 now!

I would love to get back to work doing something that makes me feel worthwhile again and have some adult company in the day and feel like i'm contributing!

I have worked in the restaurant industry for over 20years - plenty of experience, yet am struggling to get a new job here - probably doesn't help that my state of mind isn't exactly positive and tbh I've sort of let myself go a bit, put on a lot of weight and maybe my appearance doesn't help me get hired in a customer facing role!!

There is a few things going on here that are all contributing to my problems - I am aware of this - I know I need to give myself a bit of a push!!

Get the hell back to urban life.
Rural life is shit.

Maybe start with you? Might you be (understandably) depressed? Perhaps give your go a visit and see if that helps?. Maybe some talking therapy?
All this might help you get in the right frame of mind to talk honestly with your wife. As you are doing the childcare, you should be sharing the household income more, and getting to have money to spend on yourself.
Find some things to join locally? Is there a parkrun etc.?
Life is different in the country and sometimes it's about trying new activities. You might have fewer big nights out, but there may be more creative or physically active things to try.
Also if you start joining things locally, you are more likely to find a job opportunity. The country operates a lot more on informal networks.

You need to have a proper talk and make your wife aware of how deeply unhappy you are.

Where is the next nearest town and could you commute to have a job you enjoy that gives you the sense of achievement you need?

You are probably both going to need to make sacrifices to ensure a happy family life but at the moment it sounds very one-sided.

You need to be able to see your family too. Can't you cut down on seeing her family so that you can see yours?

If your wife isn't prepared to compromise you may need to split. She will definitely require some form of childcare then if she wants to work and the DC need taking to schools.

I wouldn’t stay in Cornwall. I’d leave with your wife or without if she’s adamant she doesn’t want to move. It is completely unfair on you, far away from family and going from a managerial post to being a basic part timer when you want to have a career is just rubbish.

I’d sit her down and tell her that you are very depressed and it can’t carry on + you can’t judt care about her needs (career, time with family etc) and completely disregard yours.

Thousands of women find themselves in this position.

What qualifications have you got?

I think as your kids are older, it’s time to try to carve out a career and some independence for yourself.

Definitely think about starting your own business, the previous poster who mentioned a food van has a great idea there!

With a van there would be low start up costs, and you know how to run a food business already. It's the summer now, so maybe you could get out with the kids and do some market research over the holidays. You have winter to plan, save etc then you can hit the ground running next spring when the toirists come!

I’m reading this with interest because we are thinking of moving to cornwall from a big busy city. Interesting to hear your experience!

Your kids are definitely old enough to cope in some sort of childcare setting.

I agree with the poster who said "Start with you" Take some time out for yourself to go walking....walking is a great way to lose weight. Once you begin to feel better about that, everything else will begin to improve.

Why is gender important when someone is miserable? It would be different if op was female.

Monty who's asked about gender? Nobody. I haven't assumed either way.

You clearly have spoken to your wife already but she isn't listening.

Can you go to a counsellor together and she will have to hear what you are saying?

Sorry you are so sad and I hope you get some happiness back in your life soon.

A food van is a great idea and can be started quite cheaply. Not only would you be doing something you enjoy but you would be meeting new people; if you are good they very soon become regulars. Research the market and see what gaps you could fill and where you could park etc. There are usually food vans for sale on Ebay at reasonable prices, I bought a big trailer type for £5k and there wasn't much I couldn't have cooked in that, it was brilliant and I only sold it due to health problems.

Give yourself some 'me' time. As HennyPenny says, go walking and learn to appreciate the countryside and environment. Despite being very much a country person I can well understand how hard this transition must be for you, particularly as your heart isn't in it. Get the kids walking as well and take a small picnic.

I would bet good money that the weight issue is due to your depression and once you find things to interest you then it will drop off and you will feel so much better.

I get the impression that much of your problem is that you feel 'beholden' to your wife as the main wage earner. This needs a frank discussion and resolution. You should not be guilt tripped over something like your brother's 40th .. that really isn't fair at all.

Give Cornwall a chance. Try to immerse yourself in local activities and appreciate it is what it is rather than dwelling on what you had. Not easy but changing your mindset may help.

Your wife needs to be a lot more understanding of how you feel. You have given up an entire way of life so she can follow her dream; the least she could do is facilitate some 'me' time for you. I have a sneaky suspicion that if the boot were on the other foot then posters would be up in arms at how unfair it was and encouraging her to leave.

Good luck OP, something in your post has resonated with me and I feel so sad for you.

Ah, the hell of the country idyll!

The driving everywhere, the difficulty in integrating, restricted choice for work, isolation from family...

Was your wife so obstructive to you spending time with your family when you were in Birmingham? She is being wildly unfair there. And potentially controlling.

Agreed that your wife needs to be much kinder and more understanding about your situation. I am a high earning career oriented wife and my husband gave up a good job and career for me. I have been very conscious of his sacrifice and appreciative of it. And I constantly tell him there is no mine and his, only ours. Does your wife have a similar attitude? It was quite cruel and controlling of her to give you a hard time about going to your brother's 40th.... unless there is more to it than what you've told us?

But there are things you can do to help yourself even without her help. Make a commitment to yourself to eat right and get in shape, for example. This will help your self esteem a lot. And what about setting yourself up as a personal chef cooking in people's homes?

You need to talk to your wife about seeing more of your family - she’s being totally unfair in that respect.

I think that finding work is the thing to focus on here as I think it will make you feel a lot better about yourself. Once you’re in a better place personally, you can focus on your relationship with your wife to see whether it is salvageable. Work on losing the weight too as that will make you feel better about yourself.

Good luck OP!

I'm just surprised a job opportunity brought her to Cornwall. Pay is low, housing is expensive etc.

On the bright side, it has beaches and some amazing places. Are you making the most of that for yourself? Would your family be interested in coming down to holiday with you? I'd put out invitations to them and see if they were interested in coming to you. How much room do you have? Throw yourself into what Cornwall has to offer, see your gp and give it a bit longer.

Keep looking for job opportunities for yourself, perhaps with hotels?

If you're still really unhappy, then you need to bring it to a head and potentially leave.

Can you move to where the kids go to school at least? It may make a difference if you don't have to drive everywhere.

Go to visit your family, don't ask permission take your DCs to spend time with their cousins.

Absolutely stop asking your wife's opinion on visiting your family, getting a different job. It sounds like she does not have your best interests at heart. Concentrate on you and the DCs.

It sounds like you all need to work towards moving somewhere else.

Hi, I am sorry to hear about how you feel.

My advice, same as other people's is to have an honest conversation with your wife. You seem very emotionally aware of what is important to you and I am sure you will be able to communicate all that with your wife. I really hope she would understand. A relationship is always about the two people in it and not just one sided. It is great she earns the money but life is short and you need to enjoy it. I am earning more money at the moment than my partner as he only does part time, a job he doesn't really like but he is studying at the moment. I know what it feels like to just have money for food and essentials but you definitely need some fun time just you and your wife that you both enjoy and it doesn't need to be expensive. Please talk to her and I hope she considers your feelings and decide something that both of you can feel comfortable with as a family.

I couldn't hack it when we moved to zone 9 lol so I totally get it ! Some people are city and some are country .
My dad lives in Tuscany and as beautiful as it is I have to psych myself up for the boredom .

Op are you in a position to get a dog? It will get you out more, meet other owners, get you some exercise too as you mentioned you've been feeling down about your weight .
I'm a bit rubbish about relationships myself but there will be wiser people coming along to help you with that!

It doesn't sound to me like you are depressed at all. Your concerns and objections are perfectly reasonable. And your wife simply isn't listening.
Does she realise exactly how you feel?