Unhappy with life since we moved to the Countryside

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Wife & I met and lived in London for many years - once we had our first child my wife was offered a job in Birmingham - we figured this was a better option for us as a location to raise a family - She has always been the main breadwinner and I managed to secure a job as manager of a restaurant - I was the main carer for the children when they were small and she worked in the day & I did evening & Night shifts! We were very happy here - managed to have a bit of a social life and saved heaps on childcare with our alternating shifts!

About a year ago my wife was offered a new job in Cornwall - seemed like an idyllic place to move/good for the kids, the dream opportunity in many ways! However I regret this move everyday - I feel so bet down, I work at a local cafe part time, which is such a step down from my old job, I earn way less money and am struggling to find anything else in our tiny town.

I am totally reliant on my wife, am basically driving my kids around all day, both school runs, after school activities - the school is far away and main dangerous roads all the way there so no option but to drive!

I have struggled to meet anyone new outside the parents at the school who I don't seem to have much in common with!

There is nothing to do, we have no childcare, so we never really get out as a couple - not that my wife seems very interested in doing anything with me anyway!

I wanted to attend my brothers 40th recently in London and she shut me down immediately saying we can't afford for me to take a trip like that and that I am selfish to even want to spend family money on something for me - in the end she "let" me go but was annoyed about it in the lead up and afterwards. (We are always at her family events, but we rarely see mine !)

I am so miserable, I hate my life, but I love my kids, they are everything to me and I do not want to leave - but I don't know how much more of this I can take, I feel like my independence is gone, I am so reliant on my wife, she won't discuss other options (childcare or moving so I can get a decent job again and gain some independence and contribute to the household income again!) I miss my family, I never get to attend any of their events, haven't even met some of my nieces & nephews, I miss out on a lot and am always missing from my family events because "we can't afford for me to go or she needs me at home, kids need me etc!

We see her family all the time - her mother comes to stay for weeks at a time and we pop up to see her sister every other weekend for various family events!

I don't know what to do to be happy again - should I leave? Where would I go, what about my kids - I feel so lost and down! :(

I agree with Dontforgetyourbrolly,Dogs are great fun and ill get you out and about.However the main problem here is that your wife has taken you ,and your contribution to the home /childcare for granted.You need to put your Big Boy pants on, and tell her straight that you are going to see your family .Not asking her permission FGS! Women have been the victim in this sort of situation for a long time and have fought back!.No one ,male or female should feel like this .The thing is you are probably too nice !,I understand you dont want to get divorced but if this happened you would probably get full custody as the more resident parent .Does she realise this I wonder?.Try and have a talk with her when you have a quiet moment ,Tell her how unhappy you are, and see if you can meet her halfway ,Maybe she is feeling the pressure right now too .What about asking your family to stay ?.If she is not happy about that then thats too bad She cant reasonably expect to cut you off from your family !

Also, you could make a huge effort and staet a business, buy a dog and learn to surf, and she will just wake up some morning and demand you all move again.

Have you had any say in these big disruptive moves?

I wanted to attend my brothers 40th recently in London and she shut me down immediately saying we can't afford for me to take a trip like that and that I am selfish to even want to spend family money on something for me - in the end she "let" me go but was annoyed about it in the lead up and afterwards. (We are always at her family events, but we rarely see mine !)

Sorry, but if a woman posted this about her husband, almost every reply on this thread would say he was a controlling wanker and there would be many cries of leave the bastard.

She doesn't give a rat's arse about you, OP. She's got her kids and her life and gets to see her family as much as she wants but stops you seeing yours. This isn't a marriage. You're the hired help/au pair.

She's not going to move back. You can say what you like to her, but she won't. I'm afraid you have two choices - you stay and put up with it getting increasingly resentful or you leave. The difficulty will be where you go, how you afford it, how you will get to see your kids. She's got you over a barrel there - just as many men do with women.

I'd leave.

I think unless you are able to find a reasonable job this situation won't get better. You sound really isolated.

What will you do when your kids are teenagers and want to go shopping or see friends without a parent dropping them off? You and your DP need to have a serious conversation about what the long term will be like living so rurally.

On the family front - do you see her family a lot because they come to you? You mentioned that they come and stay. Do yours? Is the difference here because your wife's family travel to you, but yours don't, so there's always costs incurred with seeing your family?

She does not care about you at all and treats you beneath contempt.

I think your wife is controlling you and is therefore abusive of you. Her actions are about power and control. She has the vast majority of the power and control in this relationship (if not all of it) and this further move to Cornwall (perhaps at her own instigation as much as her employers) was a further nail. She has and continues to only consider her own self in this controlling relationship and abusers continue to isolate their victims (also in terms of location).

Your children and you are but the side show to her being the main event. They were not considered here either.

Abuse like you describe is insidious in its onset; I think if you were to examine the relationship more closely you would find evidence of her being controlling towards you going back years. This is often learnt behaviour as well; what are her parents like?.

Do not enter into joint counselling with her under any circumstances; I would instead seek legal advice re a view to separation and divorce.

You mentioned you feel down and that you've "let yourself go" do you do any outdoor activities. Perhaps joining a local group might help with your confidence and meet new people.

Your wife sounds controlling and emotially abusive. She's separated you from your friends and family and got everything her way. Work on yourself and figure out what you want from life.

Online courses to retrain? Outdoor activities to meet new people. It's hard taking those first steps but you need to work on you. Feel happy again, reconnect with your family then decided what you want to do with your marriage.

Goodness, a ‘career move’ to Cornwall that isn’t well paid enough to afford holidays and removed your ability to contribute to the family income?

Are her family in Cornwall or close, by any chance?

There are thousands of us, trapped in a similar situation waiting until the kids are older. Many of my friends choose to remain unhappy whilst the kids are at school but are planning their escape, building nest eggs getting qualifications. However this results in many years of unhappiness with no certainty of happiness at the end.
Start looking and applying for more jobs, they are out there especially if you want to get back into tourist/restaurants.
You say you have let yourself go, start with this, confidence comes from within and changing how you feel about yourself will really help. Find a hobby that you can do in the day/evening what do you like doing?

First off, I'm down in Cornwall so hello I get it, it can be isolated and that can be a pain. Work can be a bit seasonal and thin on the ground and wages aren't great.

I think you have two issues which you are making into one issue but they are not. The first is your relationship. It sounds like it needs some work, you both need to communicate better and she needs a dose of empathy and kindness. If you could get a babysitter would you consider counselling as a couple? Many will offer a reduced rate if you're hard up and it might help you both to work out what you want and communicate well.

The other thing is the location/moving issue. Big moves can be disruptive and it can take time to get used to living in a new place and of course the stress of this can have an effect on your relationship which doesn't help. But Cornwall is isolated when you don't have friends. I have lived here and been miserable (when I didn't know anyone and didn't have a job I enjoyed) and lived here and been really happy (now, with more friends and a self employed working from home job I adore).

When you're feeling a bit meh, it's hard to enjoy all that Cornwall has to offer, but honestly now it's utterly gorgeous out there and there is so much to do. Get active, it will lift your mood and it's wonderful to explore some of the amazing places here. Remember that people pay thousands just for a week here and you get to live here, and feel smug
I think if your relationship does break down, you might end up choosing to stay locally so you can see your kids, right? So it would make sense to bed in and really get to grips with making some friends and hopefully finding some work. That will stand you in good stead whatever you decide about your relationship. There are loads of meetup groups in Cornwall and that is how I have made loads of my friends here, people are very creative, friendly and bohemian and it's just a lovely place to live.
I hope things improve for you. Best of luck and PM me if you want to chat to someone local.

Your wife sounds controlling and it's like she's isolating you through her financial power.

Don't get a dog. The issue is your wife. She doesn't really seem to care about you tbh.

I suggest you start working on yourself. Get back into some fitness program. Build up your self confidence and things may seem different then, when you're in a better state of mind.

Focus on yourself. Become more assertive and make the decision to see your family. Is she controlling with the money? Do you have free access to it? If not, this is financial abuse, as everyone would have quickly told you if you were a woman.

Instead you're being advised to get a dog, retrain, get a food van etc....

If you were a woman...you'd be told to LTB. See how much you can get on tax credits and that given that you're the primary carer, you'd get child maintenance and probably spousal support if you split up.

Double standards at it's finest.

I don't think your wife has any regard for you. I reiterate, that you need to get yourself fit and take it from there. Start asserting yourself and don't continue with the situation, where your kids don't know your side of the family. You need to make things different, if it's important enough to you.

As other posters have suggested, start with yourself. Would you fancy joining a gym? If not how about a walking group? There are certainly walking groups in most areas that operate in the day so you could go when the kids are at school, have a look on "meet up". Not only will you meet new people, you'll get fitter, and get to appreciate your beautiful county!
When you're feeling healthier and more positive you can maybe think about new jobs/starting a new business?

SandyY2K I'm glad it's not just me and Atillla then. There is no way on god's earth that a woman in the OP's position would be told to "find a hobby". The OP is not the issue. His wife is the issue.

I can’t think of anything I would hate more, I am not a beach person, I like to see a nice beach but that’s about it. Problem with Cornwall is I think it can work if you have a decent job and friends and don’t want to leave Cornwall much but apart from that it’s not easy. Decent sized Airports are a big fag to get to fag to, not that much well paid work etc, hard to visit friends unless they are in Cornwall or Devon etc and expensive to do that. If anyone plans on moving from London etc, maybe think Dorset , Wiltshire or Somerset , you still get the nice scenery and pretty towns but everything else is more accessible

Oh and you need to be honest with your wife about it, I suspect it’s all she wanted and you are quite secondary here

Wow so many responses came in over night - thank you!

I was a bit of a party boy back when we met originally & when I meet my old friends or get together with my brothers I do tend to want to have a big night out with them and go a bit wild!! She never had a problem with this before and she always knew I was like this and back in our pre-kids days she was happy to let me go out and she did her own thing with her mates regularly!

It feels that now she thinks I should have got that out of my system and need to just be a dad and stop all that !

Her sister lives about a 50 minute drive away and her Mum follows us around wherever we move so she lived in Birmingham and now has rented a place about half an hour from where we live (they are very close and it's just the 3 of them) so it's easier to spend a lot of time with them regularly!

My family are quite spread out - mostly in Ireland and 2 brothers & their wives up in London - my youngest bro & his wife have come down to stay with us twice which was nice but she was not overly keen on it and it seemed like it was really putting her out!

I think what some posters have said is right - I need to sort myself out first, I am just wallowing and make excuses (the time while the children are at school I convince myself that there is no time to fit anything in so if I am not at work I just float around the house waiting to go and get them!)

I think a job should probably be my main focus - she is hard to talk to at the moment and says she is too tired (her job is stressful) - but I will try and get how I am feeling across to her - she needs to listen to me!

I agree with other posters that you need to talk with her and tell her exactly how you feel. Your kids grow and in a year or so the older one will be in secondary school and more independent. I hope your wife realizes that as kids grow she won't be able to move for a next promotion because their social life will be very important to them.

That's why you have to make the best of what you can get where you are, this may be your permanent home for many years to come.
Plan accordingly and make sure you get out more, being cooked up at home is no good for anyone.

Oh OP you do sound down! Such a shame as living in Cornwall can be lovely. In my opinion your wife is being incredibly unfair re time spent with either family...life is so short, if you are lucky enough to be close to family members then those relationships should be nurtured.
We live in Cornwall, fairly recent move, have family a six hour drive away. We do not have much money at all but save up and we go up twice a year and book self-catering for a couple of weeks and they come down twice a year. You really, really need to communicate your unhappiness to your wife.
Can you meet other parents through kid’s activities? Volunteer to help run Sea Cadets or Scouts/Cubs? There are people out there who would also like friends...I know my husband and I do! We travel to a friend in Liskeard and family near Saltash but otherwise it’s just us and children. My adult DD lives in London...used to live 12 hours away so to me London is nearby, it’s all relative. I hope you feel brighter soon. Oh and I like dog idea too, any chance?

Don't let her stop you from seeing your family - that is terrible!
Your wife sounds very controlling and self-centred.
She's also got double-standards.
Don't think your family aren't aware of this - they probably wonder why you're being such a push-over (I don't mean to sound disrespectful but that is how your situation is coming across).
And btw, this isn't at all uncommon.

If she won't listen then write it down.
Tell her exactly what you have told us.
This all seems very unfair on you.
I agree to visit your GP and see if you are depressed.
You have during the day to sort out your weight.
Exercise is a very good stress reliever and endorphins help with your 'happiness'
Maybe try the C25K (couch to 5K) and see how you feel about running.
Or a good hour brisk walk every day would also help.
But she needs to understand what you are going through right now.
If she doesn't listen then I think you have no other option than to separate temporarily to see if you can find what you want elsewhere.

You are the one who uprooted yourself to enable her to go where she wanted/needed to be for work.

She really needs to respect and appreciate you for that, and the sacrifice you made. Part of how she shows that respect, is ensuring/enabling you to maintain your ties with your family and friends back home. This may involve financial sacrifice, and obviously it means that she will need to ensure she is available to look after the children when you're not there.

That's a bare bloody minimum.

And there is no 'let'. You are not the hired help, to be magnanimously given time off when it doesn't inconvenience her ladyship.

She is VERY, VERY fortunate you have so generously sacrificed your work, and opportunities to facilitate her career and the children's wellbeing.

She can pull her damned head in.

I'm the trailing spouse, in this relationship. I would never have made the kind of sacrifices I have, if I were treated with the kind of contempt, and selfishness by my husband, as you are being treated with by your wife. And quite frankly, I'd be looking for a good divorce lawyer, and to take the kids, and my partner to the bloody cleaners, if I ever were.

Are the DC enjoying it?

Employment prospects are poor in Cornwall, and there is discrimination for overweight people everywhere, but still worth persevering with investigating the local labour market and job seeking or considering what you could do to compete for jobs that are around, in your current or a different field.

Also worth actively seeking a social life. You say you have no childcare, but a sitter would be easy to find and it sounds like you can afford this.

As a couple you could also manage the family budget carefully.

On the face of it your wife is unreasonable to want you personally - and the DC - NEVER to visit your family/friends. That should be a priority IMO. Perhaps though she’s pissed off that the visit would involve costly binge drinking.

Thanks for all the advice

It would be a no to a dog - I can't look after another living thing right now hahah!!

Getting out and finding something to do when not at work and ferrying the kids around rather than being in the house is step one

I've been in a bad habbit of staying up late at night watching tv & sleeping on the couch - part of this might be because I don't actually want to go to bed / be with my wife! This doesn't help as I am then exhausted in the day

There is a real problem in our relationship - the more I think about it, we do not communicate - sometimes we barely speak to each other unless its about the children - this makes it even more difficult to have a proper chat to her about how I am feeling!

I never was very outdoorsy or the gym type - but I do enjoy strolls on the beach so will try get into this as a morning routine - I do take the kids to the beach most weekends and I enjoy this time with them!

We don't even have a bloody cinema nearby - a hobby I enjoyed solo and nice easy date nights with the wife that we previously enjoyed quite regularly!

Her Mum comes to stay so often that we do have a babysitter regularly - but DW always comes up with an excuse as to why we can't actually go now!

TBH I don't know if counselling would help us, or if she would attend (I don't think she even thinks there is anything wrong here!)

You two need a serious conversation. It's not my place to tell you to leave or not but she needs to know that you are seriously unhappy and can't just be fobbed off.

Do you have a catering qualification by any chance ie can you cook (instead of managing a restaurant)?
Would there be some sort of scope for setting up your own business? Are you prepared to work very hard?

How about preparing and delivering meals to families in self catering accommodation? A friend of mine does this in a very touristy area of the south coast. She prepares picnics, packed lunches, suppers (and occasionally celebratory teas) to self-catering cottages (ordered in advance via her website) and Fri and Sat eves she has a catering van outlet in the local town square . She employs 2.5 people now too.