Unhappy with life since we moved to the Countryside

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Wife & I met and lived in London for many years - once we had our first child my wife was offered a job in Birmingham - we figured this was a better option for us as a location to raise a family - She has always been the main breadwinner and I managed to secure a job as manager of a restaurant - I was the main carer for the children when they were small and she worked in the day & I did evening & Night shifts! We were very happy here - managed to have a bit of a social life and saved heaps on childcare with our alternating shifts!

About a year ago my wife was offered a new job in Cornwall - seemed like an idyllic place to move/good for the kids, the dream opportunity in many ways! However I regret this move everyday - I feel so bet down, I work at a local cafe part time, which is such a step down from my old job, I earn way less money and am struggling to find anything else in our tiny town.

I am totally reliant on my wife, am basically driving my kids around all day, both school runs, after school activities - the school is far away and main dangerous roads all the way there so no option but to drive!

I have struggled to meet anyone new outside the parents at the school who I don't seem to have much in common with!

There is nothing to do, we have no childcare, so we never really get out as a couple - not that my wife seems very interested in doing anything with me anyway!

I wanted to attend my brothers 40th recently in London and she shut me down immediately saying we can't afford for me to take a trip like that and that I am selfish to even want to spend family money on something for me - in the end she "let" me go but was annoyed about it in the lead up and afterwards. (We are always at her family events, but we rarely see mine !)

I am so miserable, I hate my life, but I love my kids, they are everything to me and I do not want to leave - but I don't know how much more of this I can take, I feel like my independence is gone, I am so reliant on my wife, she won't discuss other options (childcare or moving so I can get a decent job again and gain some independence and contribute to the household income again!) I miss my family, I never get to attend any of their events, haven't even met some of my nieces & nephews, I miss out on a lot and am always missing from my family events because "we can't afford for me to go or she needs me at home, kids need me etc!

We see her family all the time - her mother comes to stay for weeks at a time and we pop up to see her sister every other weekend for various family events!

I don't know what to do to be happy again - should I leave? Where would I go, what about my kids - I feel so lost and down! :(

I’m in a similar ish situation as I’m the one at home (two kids with Sen so Work isn’t easy to come by).

I’ve found I’ve become more and more reclusive and I only really leave the house to take the kids to school and pick them up.

I think you need to address the relationship with your wife as it doesn’t sound a happy one. There are times I think my husband feels slightly resentful that I have the time during school hours with no kids to myself whereas he’s at work. He doesn’t appreciate all the very hard years caring and just how boring being at home can be.

I think you need an honest conversation.

It's really hard adjusting to big moves as the trailing spouse. Your wife is very fortunate that she has you to support her career.

Forgive me for being blunt, but from your description of your relationship, it sounds as though your wife has checked out of the marriage. She makes it clear that she doesn't like your family, she doesn't talk to you or want to listen to you, she makes excuses for not going out as a couple even when you have a babysitter ... it does sound like she is taking you for granted as free childcare and it wouldn't surprise me at all if she didn't pop up one day and tell you she had met someone else and the marriage is over.

Meanwhile you have had to take some serious knocks to your self-esteem from her treatment of you and the decline in your job prospects. That's a tough position to be in.

I'm not sure of the right answer for you but please take care of yourself. You deserve to be treated with love and respect and appreciation.

We moved to the sticks 9 years ago. It took us about 4 years to find chums and it was a tricky time when we were socially struggling. There is less choice of chums in the sticks but you need to be open minded and try new hobbies etc. DH is a SAHD and it took him longer than it took me. Don't measure people by your old social scale. DH came from London and was still hanging out with his school friends so has had a totally new scene.

I don’t think this relationship is working OP from your posts and if communication is that off I think it will struggle to work at all, I don’t think it’s just the job thing and I think deep down you know this. All I can say is in all honesty do you think you might be happier out the relationship and away from the area. I think you have to think about it. It isn’t the end of the world, although it might feel like it without your kids for a while, there are still ways to make that work though . I think your wife has checked out and your priorities are not even on her list , obviously I don’t know her, but it seems to
Me she’s happy in a world with her job, kids, mother visiting etc and you are just ‘there’

Your wife sounds (to be blunt) like a bit of a twat. How dare she deny you time with your family when you have trailer around the countryside after her to facilitate her career, raised her kids for her, etc etc. This happens all too often, more often to women no doubt, but clearly to men too. You are worth more than this. You have sacrificed a lot for your wife - time she started appreciating this! Or realises what she stands to lose........

Trailer = trailed.

Just picking up on one of your comments about being a bit of a partier. If we asked your wife would she describe you going on a bender for a few days, spending a lot of money on booze etc? Is that why she hoped you'd grown out of it? Was the move to Cornwall inspired by the lifestyle you were leading in Birmingham?
This isn't an accusation really, I still think you should have time away and access to money but sometimes we don't have insight into our own behaviour. And when we have children it's not unreasonable to expect that we as parents grow up a bit and leave some of the madness behind.

@Amara123 the party days were way back in the London days - the Birmingham days were quiet enough in regards partying - maybe a few drinks after work with colleagues from time to time !

These days when I meet with my old mates or brothers it's much more low key (we all have kids and not lots of spare cash) so usually it's a cheap enough night - probably in someone's house, cans and a take away - so it doesn't break the bank !!

I think that there should be room for either person in a relationship to have a weekend out a few times a year to let their hair down and have a few drinks - I must add that she has been away in a few girly spa weekends with the sister and I feel that maybe she's judging me for wanting to just go to the pub and catch up with my mates rather than an activity she approves of!

God writing this makes me feel like a child saying it's unfair that my friends are allowed go to the pub and have a weekend off - why can't I - she's not my bloody mother! It sounds so pathetic when I see it all written down!

Cool! Previous advice still stands then.

You are not being at all unreasonable OP, we all need stuff to look forward to, people to meet etc.

Wow OP that really is unfair. Ok she makes more money but that doesn’t give her the right to have everything her way. Can you sit down and have a proper chat or maybe even try relationship counselling?

It sounds like you have always gone along with what she wants so I think it’s time she really listens to what you want/need.

Good luck.

Your DP may earn more but she couldn't have done so without you carrying more of the load at home. You should both get some down time.

Would you consider individual counselling, OP? If your wife is in such a fancy well-paying job it was worth moving to Cornwall for, her workplace might have an employee assistance programme that is open to employee's families and offers phone or face to face counselling. (Although she should be willing for you to have paid counselling anyway if she cares about you.) It could really help you gain the confidence needed to demand better treatment from your wife (but you have to be willing to follow through on the consequences if she doesn't change).

Hello!

Just wanted to check back in and say thank you for all the responses - I've been inspired to try help myself - dragged my old bike out of the shed and plan to start cycling to work this week which will help with getting active again!

The kids are now off for the summer so I will be making sure I get them out of the house every day and do something!

I've reached out to my brother and he is coming down to visit with his wife and son in 2 weeks time - am really looking forward to this!!

Things with my wife are still a bit weird and she is still like a closed book and hard to talk to - but I am just gonna focus on myself first and when I am in a better place take a proper look at my marriage!

Good for you OP.

Taking control of your situation will help you feel better.

Your wife sounds very controlling and you appear to be being treated like staff.

Only you can tell her it is no longer acceptable.

Good luck.

Well done OP.
Small steps will help your self-esteem.
I'm glad your family are coming to visit.
Get yourself back on track then you can make your decisions.
Good luck

That sounds like some good steps to take. I hope you have a nice time with the extended family.

I just wanted to say you are making a valid contribution to your family by looking after your children while your wife works. Childcare is a full time job in and of itself. Your wife obviously values this contribution otherwise she would not be able to work full time. If you have managed a restaurant before I am sure you will eventually find a similar job in the area. These things take time from my experience. Also join some activity clubs etc to meet new people! I am certain you will settle in!