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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you suspect an affair

63 replies

champagnesuperover · 15/07/2019 11:50

I have very little to go on but tell me what you think of this please.
So he stays away for work 4 days out of every 8 usually. He's not working the whole time he's away so the capacity for something to happen is 100% there.
He was going away to do a special event which is kind of a perk of his job but still the same city he works in for the last 2 weeks. He is staying with his Mum but out all day long. Just before he goes he asks me to wax his back hair. It's really not bad and I think he's absolutely fine as he is. Said I don't understand why it bothers him if I like him as he is. He never takes his shirt off in public apart from at the pool or on holiday. He's not generally image conscious at all. He'll have no need to have his shirt off at all at this event. Would you find it odd?
I think my suspicion is upped due to a real lack of interest in being close with me, no cuddling, kissing, holding hands etc let alone sex.
We've been together 19 years and I haven't felt this worry before.

OP posts:
YellowAndPinks · 15/07/2019 11:53

Yes if this is totally out of the blue I would suspect an affair, sorry. Did you tell him you were suspicious?

Val5555 · 15/07/2019 11:55

It would raise my suspicion levels that’s for sure

HennyPennyHorror · 15/07/2019 11:56

Does he usually wax his back?

mimibunz · 15/07/2019 11:56

I would be suspicious but it would be stone cold malicious to ask you to wax his back for another woman!

Original poster
champagnesuperover · 15/07/2019 12:02

HennyPennyHorror No he doesn't usually do it, He has asked me once this summer but never before that.
mimibunz I know my friend said this but then I'd be even more suspicious if he came back from a salon?
YellowAndPinks Yes I did tell him and he brushed it off.

OP posts:
crankyassnoperope · 15/07/2019 12:02

With at least two separate exes I've had that same unease about them trimming their pubic hair. Whilst it was a normal thing for both of them to do at points in our relationship (usually the highly sexed points in our relationship!) there were times when it just didn't seem to make sense. Like, they were otherwise not concerned about their image around me, or our sex life was having a passing lull or whatever. Both times my anxieties were well founded. I'll never be ignoring that feeling again.

Original poster
champagnesuperover · 15/07/2019 12:05

He's home tonight I think we need a chat for what good it would do me. His job would make it so easy for him and for me to never know.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 15/07/2019 12:08

Oh my god, if he's asking you to wax him to make him presentable for other women, that is incredibly cruel of him.

Why on earth would he want his back waxed unless someone was going to see it?

crankyassnoperope · 15/07/2019 12:10

I should point out actually that whilst I had good reason to think things were being kept from me - and was right - in neither instance was it a straight up affair. One was using sex workers and the other was secretly cross-dressing. That's the two notable ones. But I stand by trusting your instincts.

Original poster
champagnesuperover · 15/07/2019 12:10

HollowTalk I asked him and he said he just didn't like it like that.

OP posts:
Yellowweatherwarning · 15/07/2019 12:10

Ime offering to use Veet on his genitals and leaving it in too long will cure any longings.

So I have heard.... Blush

TheInebriati · 15/07/2019 12:12

I'm afraid I would suspect cross dressing, as he is asking you to wax his back hair, and part of the fetish is involving the partner.

Original poster
champagnesuperover · 15/07/2019 12:15

TheInebriati you'd have to pick me up off the floor if it was that. He is hairy elsewhere. I'm not sure where he'd get the time or privacy to do it for one. He stays at the station (firefighter) when he's away and he certainly wouldn't fit in my clothes.

OP posts:
raisinsraisinsraisins · 15/07/2019 12:19

Unfortunately a newly waxed back is how I found out about my DHs affair.

NoBaggyPants · 15/07/2019 12:23

In MN world, whatever you say, people will suggest an affair. Please keep this in mind before making any accusations, I'd hate for you to ruin your relationship on the basis of internet gossip.

If he's a fire fighter, is it possible that people have commented on his back hair? They do tend to have a lot of "banter", that he might have taken personally.

theemmadilemma · 15/07/2019 12:25

Well he clearly wants to take his shirt off either in public or private and not have the back hair that doesn't bother you when he's not with you.

Doesn't ring well does it?

DP has back hair. I didn't like it. But he has sensitive skin and while he entertained one attempt at removal, he would take no more. These days I just get my fingers tangled in it without a care in the world. He's often away, and if he ever asked me to help him remove it, I'd 100% certain something was up.

Original poster
champagnesuperover · 15/07/2019 12:27

NoBaggyPants Yes that's more than possible but it would be very out of character for something like that to bother him. He's pretty confident about his body and there really is very little there anyway. They run round the station waving their willys at each other so I can't imagine he feels conscious at work.
I'm not going to LTB yet but I do think I need to tell him its odd behaviour?

OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 15/07/2019 12:33

I would take the view that if he was trying to conceal an affair, he would be unlikely to make me privy to any changes in his behaviour resulting from the affair, unless he was very stupid.

NomDeQwerty · 15/07/2019 12:33

I agree with NoBaggyPants to a certain extent but one of the many horrible things to come to terms with after you've discovered affairs is how it was all staring you in the face if you'd only followed your instincts.
What happens to his laundry OP?

thedancingbear · 15/07/2019 12:36

^Ime offering to use Veet on his genitals and leaving it in too long will cure any longings.
So I have heard....^

Tee hee! Domestic violence is such a laugh when it's committed against a man, isn't it?

NomDeQwerty · 15/07/2019 12:36

Definitely don't tell him about your suspicions.

Original poster
champagnesuperover · 15/07/2019 12:37

NomDeQwerty It all comes home as far as I'm aware and goes in the wash with everything else. He generally only packs work clothes when he goes to work but he has a locker and a cleaning and drying room at work.It doesn't help he's told me in the past what some of his colleagues get up to.

OP posts:
Original poster
champagnesuperover · 15/07/2019 12:39

NomDeQwerty why do you say not to tell him I think its odd?

OP posts:
Rosemary46 · 15/07/2019 12:39

I agree don’t tell him. Watch and wait. Become a detective .

Where does he sleep when he’s on day shift ?

WhatsInAName19 · 15/07/2019 12:42

I think it's the fact that it's making you suspicious that's the red flag IYSWIM. My DH is hairy and every now and then he defuzzes his back. It's not for my benefit, because he knows I like him hair and all. He will always get rid of it if he's going to be swimming or on holiday, but sometimes he randomly does it at other times. He just doesn't like it and every now and then it gets on his nerves. Same with me; I don't always shave my legs, but sometimes I just like them smooth even if I'm not going anywhere or wearing a short skirt. It's just for me. DH's behaviour in this regard doesn't make me suspicious at all.

If your DH's behaviour is making you suspicious, I'm guessing that's because there are lots of other small signals that you are also receiving that are making you uneasy.