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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you suspect an affair

63 replies

champagnesuperover · 15/07/2019 11:50

I have very little to go on but tell me what you think of this please.
So he stays away for work 4 days out of every 8 usually. He's not working the whole time he's away so the capacity for something to happen is 100% there.
He was going away to do a special event which is kind of a perk of his job but still the same city he works in for the last 2 weeks. He is staying with his Mum but out all day long. Just before he goes he asks me to wax his back hair. It's really not bad and I think he's absolutely fine as he is. Said I don't understand why it bothers him if I like him as he is. He never takes his shirt off in public apart from at the pool or on holiday. He's not generally image conscious at all. He'll have no need to have his shirt off at all at this event. Would you find it odd?
I think my suspicion is upped due to a real lack of interest in being close with me, no cuddling, kissing, holding hands etc let alone sex.
We've been together 19 years and I haven't felt this worry before.

OP posts:

Rosemary46 · 15/07/2019 12:42

I’m assuming from your Op that he works two days two nights four off.

NomDeQwerty · 15/07/2019 12:43

Hmm. Yes. It becomes relatively normalised if they're 'all at it'. And don't believe someone who adamantly criticises and despises that behaviour in others won't do it themselves.
Anyway, I'd be keeping an eye out for different behaviours round his phone (s) as a starter.
I'd also watch the laundry. Has it been cleaned while away? Does it smell of anyone else? And I'd not share suspicions but I would talk about feeling that your closeness has gone and see if you can address that together.

newmomof1 · 15/07/2019 12:44

It could be that his mom has commented on it previously and it's made him self-conscious around her?

Does he sleep topless (and therefore lounge around the house topless)/could she see his back when he's wrapped it a towel coming out the shower?

NomDeQwerty · 15/07/2019 12:44

Because if you tell him and he is having an affair he'll be extra careful that you don't find out.

Original poster

champagnesuperover · 15/07/2019 12:46

Rosemary46 He sleeps at the Station.

He went through a stage although that has stopped now of going to bed ridiculously early and playing on his phone. It was out of character and he doesn't do it now.

I think it's his lack of interest in me that is making me more suspicious. He knows I'm not happy because of this big row before we he went away and we've agreed to talk tonight. How can I not mention feeling confused by his behaviour?

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/07/2019 12:47

If you've already told him that you are suspicious, I think the ship has sailed on waiting and seeing a bit.

NomDeQwerty · 15/07/2019 12:48

Personally I wouldn't go full on detective just now but I agree with a PP who says that if you're suspicious then you've probably picked up on other things subconsciously like maybe putting a phone away quickly when you come into the room or taking longer to come back from the shops than you'd have expected. Nothing obvious in itself and all perfectly explicable but it all adds up. You're looking for patterns and things that make you go hmmm.

managedmis · 15/07/2019 12:50

If you hadn't mentioned it you could do some more surreptitious investing.

Does he work far from home? Could you follow him?

managedmis · 15/07/2019 12:51

Do you have Google locate on your synced phones?

Original poster

champagnesuperover · 15/07/2019 12:51

newmomof1 no it won't be that his Mums not like that at all.

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 15/07/2019 12:52

If you mention it, he will try harder to conceal any illicit goings-on OP.

How is he with his phone? Secretive?

NomDeQwerty · 15/07/2019 12:52

The thing with his phone early in the morning would alert me. It's how I found out. If he's cheating, he may have found a different way of communicating. Or have different phone.
I'm really sorry to be saying this to you when it's perfectly possible that he's not cheating but I made excuses to myself for STBXH's behaviours for a long time before I found out.

buttertoasty · 15/07/2019 12:54

The phone thing would bother me

If you confront him he will only lie, I'm afraid you need to really trust your instincts and find more evidence

Original poster

champagnesuperover · 15/07/2019 12:55

managedmis Yes about and hour and half away. He can be anywhere in London for work.

OP posts:

Original poster

champagnesuperover · 15/07/2019 12:59

HennyPennyHorror no not secretive at all, leaves it around, I know his log in. He's always deleted text messages and whatsapp conversations. He is on a lot but has 2 different work groups and a 2 different rugby groups on whatsapp.

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 15/07/2019 13:10

Can you get in and see deleted stuff? What about his FAcebook?

Yellowweatherwarning · 15/07/2019 13:16

It was a genuine accident.
Only after divorcing him for his twatism did I look back and laugh!
Lighten up....

managedmis · 15/07/2019 13:16

He certainly has plenty of opportunity to.

I'd find it odd that he always deleted his messages etc.

Maybe call his mum and casually mention : oh, when you see DH next Thursday can you give him the XYZ' and she what she says : maybe he's bullshitting you about staying at his mother's and he's really with another woman.

managedmis · 15/07/2019 13:17

and she what she says :

And SEE what she says, not she

Rosemary46 · 15/07/2019 13:18

Why on earth does he sleep at the station after a day shift?? Does his station still have beds - I though they all had chairs now? Why would anyone choose a night in a chair over his own bed?

How far ways is work from home ?

He might have a burner phone which he keeps at the station.

booboo24 · 15/07/2019 13:22

My fiance waxes and/or shaves his back because he just doesn't like it! That alone wouldn't make me suspicious. Even in winter if I'm going out in trousers, I'll still shave my legs, noone's going to see them but I 'feel' nicer for it. Hopefully this is no more than that.....

user1471449295 · 15/07/2019 13:24

My suspicions rocket. Don’t let on and do some digging

Rosemary46 · 15/07/2019 13:25

Why would he be anywhere in London for work? Surely he’s based in one station or at least in one division ?

desperatesux · 15/07/2019 13:25

I think his lack of interest in you is the biggest tell. When my DH's head had been turned it was obvious his attention and interest had shifted from me to someone else although I didn't know at the time. Like couldn't even be bothered fighting, like rolling over in bed where as previously he would of wanted to hash it out.
I think if you have already commented that ship has sailed but a wider conversation on your relationship is needed.

RockinHippy · 15/07/2019 13:31

I'm really not the suspicious or jealous type, but yes, this would make me uneasy given the background details

& don't think because asking you to do something is cruel, that they won't do it when it looks innocent & more normal in their minds.

An ex of mine had me fixing the zip on a leather skirt for the woman he was fucking. As she was our friends much older & tbh, not at all attractive aunt, tbh, it didn't cross my mind that it would be her, even though my spidey senses were screaming he was up to something. But nope, he did stoop that low & she was such a brazen bitch that she enjoyed the fact that I was effectively working for her whilst she screwed my ex. Thankfully I found out before handing the skirt back & doused the zip in itching powder, along with all of his underwear & trousers & kept quiet fir a while longer, doubt she ever wore that again p

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