The long term impact of losing my parents as a teen

[IdaBWells]

I am 50, happily married 23 years, three lovely teenage children.

When I was 13 my mum died of cancer. I had no counseling or support of any kind from anyone. Before her death my parents marriage had gone downhill as it turned out my dad was bipolar (than called manic depression). He was verbally abusive to her and very self-involved, gave her no emotional support of any kind while she was dealing with cancer. When she died I was terrified of him and hated his guts from seeing how he treated her.

He was very neglectful of me and my younger brother. Often ignored me for days. At 16 he locked me out of the house and I was taken into care. After time with a foster family, my social worker arranged for me to live independently in what were local student halls (I was hopeless at living in a family at this time because I had had to be so independent). My dad died of a heart attack when I was 19.

I am now 50 recovering from cancer. Although I got a Uni degree I never had a career after having kids and we moved around the world for DHs work. I feel lost. I feel disappointed in myself for not figuring out how to have a career, I also think I was avoidant to a certain extent, I probably could have made it happen but I was always overwhelmed by my lack of family, no emotional support and having to figure out everything in life alone, like having kids and being a good mum and keeping my marriage going etc.

I also feel my issues have been visited on my kids as without meaning to I feel I have prevented them from meeting their potential.

I just don’t really know what I’m trying to say or do. What do I do?

Can you afford to get therapy? You’d really benefit from working with a psychotherapist I think. Look at the BACP website, then find someone you can work with. You might need to meet a few before you find someone you feel a connection with.
What you describe sounds very traumatic, you must have found it hard to have such adult expectations thrust upon you when you hadn’t had the chance to experience and leave childhood. It sounds like you got a bit stuck perhaps. Good luck, I hope you can find some peace of mind, you’ve got a lot more life to live.

I have had therapy, I don’t really feel at the moment it’s therapy I need. I am not falling apart emotionally, I am more trying to understand how these events have affected not just me but my kids.

I guess I am trying to understand the long term effects of these events, but also as I woman I am expected to provide emotional maturity for everyone else and the ability to create that emotional “home” which I believe I have done.

The fallout out is my own personal development. I guess I am wondering how women have dealt with this.

It's not too late tho. If you're prepared to start at the bottom / beginning, in 5 years you'll have progressed xx

What do you want to do/be? Do you have hobbies that you love? Do you think this could be to do with future empty nest syndrome? As the poster above says, you can still make things happen (work/education/hobby/sports etc) but maybe you need to set some goals for personal achievement xx

You have possibly suppressed your own needs and fears whilst maintaining a good family life for your DCs.
Ime it's quite normal to be rushing through the running of the home, helping DCs and then suddenly, find a bit more time and wonder what you deserve from life.
Possibly with regrets at what you could or , you feel, should have done but you are where you are.
What about speaking to a life coach? Make time for your interests and hobbies and start looking for a job or career you might like. Start being 'selfish' and put yourself first.

Did you explore your past in the therapy? Or did the therapist concentrate on giving you strategies for dealing with your feelings?
There’s a really useful book ‘Things You Wish Your Parents Had Known’ by Phillipa Perry, which explores how your upbringing impacts on your relationship with your own children. It might be useful, but as you had such fractured relationships growing up it might not have what you’re looking for.
Keeping a reflective journal can be helpful.

Hi OP

Not exactly the same but my mum died when I was 15 and my dad kicked me out at 17 whilst I was studying for A levels.

Needless to say my life when straight down the pan. Gone were my dreams of studying law.

Wont bore you with all the ins ands outs but I am now approaching 50 and have been thinking about how my life would have been IF....but that way really does lie madness.

IF my mum hadn't died.... and IF my dad hadn't kicked me out...

IF I hadn't met the man that went on to abuse me for years.. IF I hadn't been a pisshead for years.......

IF none of that had happened I wouldn't be the person I am today. Who knows I might have decided to fuck off uni anyway, get any old job and just have fun.

I am adaptable, resilient, can cope with most things life throws at me. (although I suspect like you its the teeny things that knock me a bit)

I have a fabulous husband, 2 brilliant kids that are well adjusted (BECAUSE of how my life was) and a lovely little home.

What's more- even though I never got to Uni (too busy just trying to survive) and I don't have a "profession" my job does involve giving legal help in an area of law that I have a particular interest in.

How this came to be I do not know. I never had plans after the age of 17 because how can you when you have had life's rug pulled right out from under you. You just steer into the skid and hope you come out the other side. And I think you're probably the same.

You have given your children their "emotional home" and that is an amazing achievement for someone that has been through what you have, it could so easily have been different.

What I am trying to say is that I bet there is still loads of potential for you and its ok to feel disappointed even though you really have no need but I do get what you are saying. You should be very proud of where you are- some people wouldn't have made it.

What I'm really trying to say is try not to think about what you haven't achieved but everything you have... if it helps.

What about a careers adviser? Book one. Life coach? Stop obsessing about your impact on your kids. You’ve had a shit childhood and you’ve done your best. It doesn’t always have to be perfect. Nobody is. They are healthy and well looked after. That’s enough. It is what it is. Start focusing on what you do next. If you are proactive and happy that will feed down to your kids. What do you enjoy doing? I have older friends who have all done something new after raising kids. One opened a coffee shop, one went to do a pgce and now runs a forest school, one does beauty therapy from her home, one did a creative writing course and went on to do journalism...you can do anything you want. You can even be a doctor. Do an access to medicine course. Absolutely no barriers. Don’t punish yourself about lack of career. Loads of women I know have sacrificed that to raise kids. You’re not alone and you can turn it around.

Thank you everyone. I had actually gone back to uni in autumn 2017 to complete an MA I began before kids, then my 11 yr son was diagnosed with cancer so I took a compassionate leave. He completely recovered (thank goodness) and then I developed back pain and was diagnosed with cancer last June 2018. I had actually become very physically active to feel better, be strong and be a good role model for my kids a couple of years previously, so I was weight training 3 x. a week and apparently in great health. So spent last summer bedridden.

I am in recovery but have had a set back (still in remission) with a lot of back pain but had an MRI as they think one of my vertebra is being compressed. I see the doc on Wednesday.

The cancer was in my bones and so destabilized my spine.

Gosh, you sound like an inspiration and a wonderful person and mother to me OP

Are you a member of any cancer support groups OP? If not, google Shine and join the Macmillan support groups online. You’ll get moral support and help and advice from others going through the same thing. You’ve been through an awful lot so please stop beating yourself up. You’re here. That’s enough. How about setting up a cancer support group in your area? That might give you a sense of purpose and self worth. After what you’ve been through you could be a great support to others

What Billie said! You'd probably be brilliant at motivational speaking!

I am actually in the US although originally from the UK. I am feeling pretty isolated it’s true, that’s mostly because my pain is preventing me from going out. I was just asked in the last few months to be involved in three different groups (not related to cancer) and I was really excited but I have had to bow out, at least for now, due to pain.

When I write it down, it does sound crazy! 😆 I really had some bad luck! Two of my kids have had cancer and the doctors want to do genetic testing because our cancers are all really rare and similar.

Gawd! Maybe I’m not doing so bad after all! DH was just in here and I told him I feel low for not having a career or doing anything and he said “but you’re a wonderful person!”. I told him he’s the best thing that ever happened to me, our kids are the best too but they wouldn’t be here within him! Poor sod, we haven’t had a vacation in at least 2 years and can you imagine the stress he’s has been though with his son and wife with cancer (!) and now he does so much around the house as I can’t do it. (Truth be told he’s always been much better around the house than me!).

Now you’ve posted all these updates I think you’re doing amazingly well as a parent. I don’t think raking over the past will help at the moment. Live in the now.

I am not someone who does look back generally, I think it’s because of my balanced and positive outlook that I have survived as well as I have. However I do want to talk about the past and the future (especially my children) because I think in this era we have a tendency to expect people to be self contained and find all the solutions within themselves etc. I think what often goes unacknowledged is the tremendous amount of support people get and need from the relationships around them.

As I age I have had this discussion with women my age and older where we are still experiencing the repercussions of abusive parenting of lack of parenting decades later. It is still a struggle at 50 to have no parents or older relatives to look to for support and advice. Yet I am expected to be that to a younger generation. I think one of the marks of “privilege” is actually not based on class or race, and that is the amount of support you have from a family/friend network. There is too much emphasis on the individual in my opinion, as it is unrealistic to have all the necessary resources in one person or even one generation.

I think that is something I am acutely aware of and that interests me. I think a lot of the depression and anxiety modern women of all ages are experiencing is a lot to do with this issue. They are trying to do something that is very hard to do as an individual: to give yourself meaning and value alone.

If you don’t want to go through therapy yourself then maybe do a course on some research on the impact of childhood trauma and inter generational trauma. It is easy to see patterns and to see how unresolved emotional issues get passed in an re enacted. If you are informed of any likely issues from your trauma experience you will be able to recognise the behaviours and feelings when these arise in you and your children and you will be well placed to cope with them. Agree that the Philippa Perry book is a great start.....but it would also be good to go back to a go psychotherapist after your additional trauma of your child’s cancer and your own. Often another trauma on top of a childhood one brings up challenging feelings.

I think what you are talking about is “wisdom” that fortunate others may have had as an ongoing support through their wholes lives from stable, balanced parents and elder family members and communities.

If you didn’t have this privilege and were emotionally neglected or abused or not securely attached then you need to be informed of the classic characteristics that this may throw up. It’s no different to taking responsibility for being informed on any chronic illness/condition that can be regulated in part by lifestyle choices.

another20 you made a very good point that most likely recent events are throwing this up again. Thank you, maybe that is obvious but it had not occurred to me.

In terms of attachment I had a wonderful mum, her memory and who she was has sustained me and given me a role model throughout my life. Her strength and love is, I believe, what has enabled me and my brother both to have strong, happy marriages. We had a very solid and secure childhood. I also loved my dad very much when I was little, I think his illness got worse and also he had absolutely no idea how to parent us especially as teens. I did hope we would eventually be reconciled before I lost him.

In terms of wisdom what has helped me so much throughout my life is my faith. I know there is a lot of cynicism about faith here on MN and in the UK generally. It was actually religious people who were much more able to hear about my pain and not brush it away because it made them uncomfortable and give me really practical support. I found many people who shared my faith who had a very deep emotional and spiritual life and could articulate it. They are willing to face life’s difficulties and sufferings. It was our faith community that made meals for our family for about 4-5 months last year when I was having chemo. They also can have a really good laugh in the middle of all the crap.

That’s brilliant that you have a great emotionally intelligent and compassionate community to support you and wonderful that you are confident and comforted by your Mothers strong nurturing attachment as a young child.

But you lived with, witnessed and absorbed, significant domestic abuse/neglect both directly and indirectly through your fathers emotional abuse and neglect of your mother whilst she was terminally ill and dying - that is an horrific trauma alone for a child to endure and then you and your brother became the target of his abuse whilst his MN deteriorated when you needed his love and support the most in your grief. You had a v tough times for a lot of your childhood with multiple emotional wounds. You have survived and done really well in life but maybe these scars need tending.....even for curiosity if you don’t think you need healing.

*MH ... not MN...

Completely misremembered the Phillipa Perry book title. It’s ‘The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read’. 🙂

Wow another20 you are I think the first person in my lifetime who has said it so clearly. Thank you. I also feel shocked. I know we (bro and I) endured so much as teens, I sometimes don’t know how we made it through.

My DB was addicted to speed and put himself through cold turkey by staying in his room for a few days at 15/16. He was also sexually abused by a close “friend” of my dad who only appeared on the scene when he saw a young boy was being neglected. He started grooming him by feeding him and “caring” for him, as my dad was often not giving us anything to eat and there would be no food in the house. I passed out at school due to hunger one time when I was about 14.

You have been through so much and you sound like an amazing and inspirational woman I'd say self compassion is the way to go. I wonder if journalling or blogging would help you? It sounds like you've quite a story to tell and I think people would be really interested in how you've managed to cope with it all.