The long term impact of losing my parents as a teen

[IdaBWells]

I am 50, happily married 23 years, three lovely teenage children.

When I was 13 my mum died of cancer. I had no counseling or support of any kind from anyone. Before her death my parents marriage had gone downhill as it turned out my dad was bipolar (than called manic depression). He was verbally abusive to her and very self-involved, gave her no emotional support of any kind while she was dealing with cancer. When she died I was terrified of him and hated his guts from seeing how he treated her.

He was very neglectful of me and my younger brother. Often ignored me for days. At 16 he locked me out of the house and I was taken into care. After time with a foster family, my social worker arranged for me to live independently in what were local student halls (I was hopeless at living in a family at this time because I had had to be so independent). My dad died of a heart attack when I was 19.

I am now 50 recovering from cancer. Although I got a Uni degree I never had a career after having kids and we moved around the world for DHs work. I feel lost. I feel disappointed in myself for not figuring out how to have a career, I also think I was avoidant to a certain extent, I probably could have made it happen but I was always overwhelmed by my lack of family, no emotional support and having to figure out everything in life alone, like having kids and being a good mum and keeping my marriage going etc.

I also feel my issues have been visited on my kids as without meaning to I feel I have prevented them from meeting their potential.

I just don’t really know what I’m trying to say or do. What do I do?

For me one of the bravest things is showing vulnerability. I’m not very good at it.

I'm brave every day! Me and many others I imagine. Just getting through, y'know?

I've had significant and repeated trauma in my life but it was cancer that knocked me down. That surprises me but there we are. You've also had cancer in your kids. Ffs, that's as bad as it gets, surely?

I'm around the 60 mark and to my great disappointment I seem to be slowly falling apart. I spent most of last weekend battling a huge MH crisis that necessitated A+E at one point - completely out of the blue. I can't express how disappointed I am: I have worked hard and survived a great deal, I had hoped my peaceful years were there for the taking. Seems not.

A young nurse in A+E said what was happening to me is A+E's bread and butter, especially in people my age : we've worked hard for our families, marriages, jobs etc and now all that has gone quiet, up comes the trauma at last, waiting to be heard.

I get the wisdom but I'm still mightily pissed right off. Like you I have a faith and like you I have been so poleaxed by trauma I was not able to develop the frills eg a career. It is a grief and maybe we live with that grief. It is perhaps absurd that we can expect to have it all - some do, often at great cost (with a specific support structure not everyone has - and I dont mean bells and whistles but basic). As you say perhaps this is the real privilege and not a given.

I do so mind the idea that 'success' is there for the taking.

springydaff so sad to hear this happened to you but very glad to know you were able to get emergency help. One of my very best friends recently retired and is finally going through her trauma therapy, so I can understand how what the nurse said makes complete sense. You’re right that keeping it together and just getting through any semblance of a normal life is a massive accomplishment. There’s only so much sanity bandwidth as far as I concerned and I have kept myself within bounds by not taking on too much and I guess that included a career, as you say, success is relative. In case like ours, still being here fighting the good fight is bravery at it’s finest. Perhaps “this time of peace” is finally safe enough for the trauma to surface and the boundaries can collapse for a while. What medical care have the doctors recommended to you springy?

Herocomplex unfortunately I think that is wrapped up with shame, and I understand it.

Ha! This is the NHS Ida, no care recommended. We don't 'do' MH in this country, despite what the princes have to say - they can afford treatment! Though I'm very glad they're putting MH centre stage.

No, care/treatment is for the individual to carve out of rock. I am pushing to get onto the next MH tier but, short of running amok with a sumarai sword in sainsburys, it's extremely hard to break through. Apparently there are 4 working psychiatrists in my extremely large part of the country. We're not the same about MH as you are in the states.

All is not lost though - I do have a faith. And, to probably repeat my point, perhaps part of that belief system is to accept limitations, accept that things haven't been perfect and to grieve those sometimes permanent losses. I don't think I'm being fatalistic when I say that - eg I will do my best to [continue to] carve out of rock what I can.

But what flies in the face of a central tenet of our current culture is that not everything is possible. I know, shocking!

Indeed Ida and not being able to separate it from weakness, which of course is the worst of all sins. 🙁

Let's do for each other what is often not done for us. Let's recognize our accomplishments although we have suffered trauma.
Let"s think of one aspect of our lives or personalities we are proud of/grateful for.

I am really grateful that I picked a good guy and that my marriage is still going strong after 23 years. My husband is very kind and not abusive in any way. I am quite amazed we found each other really.

We're playing TAG, let's see how long we can keep this going!

Same here Ida I found my soulmate. Not been an easy road, but I know I am loved.
I have DC’s whose accomplishments far exceed mine in every way, I’m delighted by their empathy, emotional maturity, self reliance and tenacity.

That is amazing Hero, the power of love in action. I obviously don't know your history but co-creating a happy marriage and children is really pretty miraculous in many circumstances.

Springy your description of having to carve it all yourself out of hardened rock is such an accurate and powerful image. You are so articulate and empathetic. You are so right about how ridiculous expectations of "success" are. Our lives are not products. They are not TV rom-coms, just getting out of bed each morning and getting through each day with any semblance of structure can be a massive achievement after trauma.

I know you are going through such a hard time right now but can you think of one thing that you are proud of or thankful for? You seem such an amazing person. The burden of "getting it all done" alone or with no social support can be overwhelming at times.

In terms of MH over here unfortunately it can be very similar to the UK, there are plenty of options if you have money. Otherwise it's down to what is covered by your insurance. "Obama care" was not coverage in itself but a federal law mandating insurance for everyone. It also mandated minimum coverage, which included preventative care and coverage for mental health. Health care systems nationally started investing and ramping up care in those areas but now there is a lot of confusion that Trump and the Republicans may scrap or change the law (which has been popular).

Springy I was rereading your posts and I TOTALLY get how you describe your disappointment and frustration. We got through decades and get to a point where at least I expected I could breath out and maybe finally start paying attention to some personal development and perhaps some kind of career (at the very least as you say, a time of peace) and then along comes cancer! I thought it was a bad joke personally, "you MUST be kidding me!" I was pretty outraged .

When were you diagnosed, was it recent?

Just popping back to re- reccomend the Griefcast podcast. It really is wonderful.

Thanks Bertrand it’s on my list.

I came on to say Griefcast!

Bertrand can you tell me more about it? I am in the US, is it British? Is it depressing? I really don’t need a downer right now guys!

Springy how are you doing? I want to hear from you, you are in my thoughts a lot .

OK. It’s a long form interview show by a British comedian called Cariad Lloyd. She lost her father when she was 15, but didn’t start to deal with her grief until she was in her 30s and had a child. She interviews other (mostly) comedians who have “lost someone along the way”. Some of them are a tough listen in parts, but I wouldn’t call any of them “downers”. There are always funny bits, and it almost always ends on a positive note. It’s worth checking the show notes- there are a couple about the loss of a child which were very nearly too much for me. And, bizarrely, one about the loss of a dog caught me off guard. There are a couple about losing a parent as a teenager. Cariad talks about how her life has been affected in ways she didn’t realise by her father’s death. There’s also a twitter community that looks very supportive. Give it a try!

Bertrand downer was a stupid and immature phrase to use. I think that came out of a place of self protection. As a society I think we just don't discuss and process loss of all kinds well. I have also frequently heard from people with a therapist background that loss affects us all our lives and it's not unusual at all for people to discuss early losses decades later, into old age.

My own dad lost his dad at the age of 3 and when I think about it, he mentioned that fact quite a lot, yet I'd be surprised if he ever got any therapy or even had the opportunity to talk about it to any depth.

“Bertrand downer was a stupid and immature phrase to use”

No it wasn’t! I knew exactly what you meant and it enabled me- I hope -to answer your question properly.

OK! I think when you put “downers” in quotes I realized I may have come over as a bit of a twit. Talking about a significant loss will always unavoidably touch on sadness and what is missing after that person has died.

Maybe I really don’t need to over explain I guess these topics are moving us into very painful memories and experiences, and you always want to proceed with caution and not come over as insensitive.

I thought I got good news from the doctor this week and was feeling very hopeful after meeting him but when discussing the results of the MRI with DH (who is also a medic) he informed me about some stuff I didn’t know - but he thought I did - and that shook me up somewhat. He basically said the results showed no difference from the first MRI I had a year ago and the first MRI revealed compression of one of my vertebra and arthritis in my spine which definitely was a “downer”!

To be fair to DH he was just chatting to me after a long day and having a casual conversation with his wife but it became what was really a doctor - patient discussion. As he was just chatting he was doing some thinking aloud about my condition which sounded quite scary and put me in a funk. So I realized we should end the discussion and talk about it when he was rested and he could look at the results and give me the “positive spin”. I told him I’m not delusional but I do need to move forward with hope, so think this through before you open your mouth! Because after he made some observations which all sounded quite depressing he suddenly told me I could still make a big recovery! I could strangle him!

I’m sorry if my punctuation made things even a bit more difficult for you. I honesty meant nothing by my quotation marks except to show that I was trying to address a specific point you had made.

Bertrand don’t worry! I think I got super waffley about it as it’s midnight over here and I was distracted by the family coming in and out chatting to me.

Blimey there is the saddest thread running with people describing abuse by their parents. I feel so relieved that I did not turn into a monster and have not abused my kids. But as I mentioned I was aware of the edges that I couldn’t let myself get close to, I stayed within those internal boundaries to stay sane. Sometimes it meant not taking up opportunities but I put my sanity as my priority.