The long term impact of losing my parents as a teen

[IdaBWells]

I am 50, happily married 23 years, three lovely teenage children.

When I was 13 my mum died of cancer. I had no counseling or support of any kind from anyone. Before her death my parents marriage had gone downhill as it turned out my dad was bipolar (than called manic depression). He was verbally abusive to her and very self-involved, gave her no emotional support of any kind while she was dealing with cancer. When she died I was terrified of him and hated his guts from seeing how he treated her.

He was very neglectful of me and my younger brother. Often ignored me for days. At 16 he locked me out of the house and I was taken into care. After time with a foster family, my social worker arranged for me to live independently in what were local student halls (I was hopeless at living in a family at this time because I had had to be so independent). My dad died of a heart attack when I was 19.

I am now 50 recovering from cancer. Although I got a Uni degree I never had a career after having kids and we moved around the world for DHs work. I feel lost. I feel disappointed in myself for not figuring out how to have a career, I also think I was avoidant to a certain extent, I probably could have made it happen but I was always overwhelmed by my lack of family, no emotional support and having to figure out everything in life alone, like having kids and being a good mum and keeping my marriage going etc.

I also feel my issues have been visited on my kids as without meaning to I feel I have prevented them from meeting their potential.

I just don’t really know what I’m trying to say or do. What do I do?

Thanks Cinammoncake your comments are very kind. Although I love to read, I don’t journal, unless about my spiritual life. I am more of a natural extrovert and it’s hard not being around people. Journaling feels like punishment because I have had to do so much on my own throughout my life, I don’t find it personally healing.

That's understandable idabwells I hope in that case that you've got a chance to be around people enough at the moment? Or is that getting you down a bit if you're unable to?
I agree with pp that you sound like you could be a motivational speaker!

Blimey guys the speaker thing is really out of left field! 😂

Well I am home all the time at the mo, so I see DH and have my three teens. My eldest is just about to go to Uni and is driving, so she is great at helping out and taking her sibs to where they need to go. My 16 yr old is currently learning to drive with lessons every morning 10-12 in a classroom environment. Unfortunately this is the second summer I have been out of action and unable to take they out and about and go on vacation, their dad has taken them camping for a few days and I think will do so again.

They are actually great company but of course I need adult company and only share in a way that is age appropriate and what I feel is generally appropriate to share anyway with my kids.

I had an MRI last Wednesday and will see my oncologist this Wednesday to find out what is going on with my back. The good news is I am still in remission, the cancer just ravaged the bones in my back so they are rebuilding but maybe I still put them under too much stress before they were strong enough. I set myself back the week of my DD’s High School graduation as we had family in town from the UK and US and I ended up doing way too much and driving too much. Since then I have had daily pain that breaks through my pain killers. Up to that point I was spending a lot of the day resting, I just got too overexcited and was doing too much, the same week it was DD2’s 16th birthday!

So shocking to read what your brother went through - he must hold the full set of traumas. Were you aware of the sexual abuse at the time? I am sorry to hear of your set back with your back - I wonder if you don’t take as much care of yourself as you need to - maybe sub consciously you think you are not worthy and have to keep soldiering on.

Also when your children are the ages that you were at specifically difficult times in your own childhood - it can be especially triggering. Looks like you might be experiencing this on top of everything else as well as facing empty nest syndrome?

Don’t discount working with a great psychotherapist at challenging periods - someone specialist in childhood trauma, maybe an EMDR practitioner.

Wishing you all the best for your appointment tomorrow.

I actually was seeing a therapist who specialized in trauma but I stopped seeing her when my son got cancer.

The other thing you could think about is becoming a psychotherapist. With your life experience you could be an amazing one. Part of the training is going through therapy yourself, as well as learning the approaches and skills.

Herocomplex thanks for your faith in me! I did flirt with the idea a couple of years ago but knocked it on the head due to 1) the expense of training over here in the US 2) I don’t think I want to sit around listening to other people’s trauma and misery. 3) If anything I need some joy and fun in my life, especially as now I feel how short it can be.

Actually one thing that is percolating as an idea (only an idea, no more at present) is a matchmaking service. Despite everyone having all these apps and phones a constant theme I am hearing from all quarters is how hard it is to meet people and also how hard to find people who are ready and able for marriage. I’m actually not considering it as a big profit making exercise, quite the opposite, just charging a fee to cover expenses. I see it as pre-screening process. People would know they are on a date with someone who has already been vetted (I could run criminal background checks and credit checks etc) and is serious and ready for a meaningful relationship. So many people are talking about how much time they are wasting trying to find someone. I am not Jewish but I have been studying how local Jewish matchmakers work and I was thinking of doing something similar. I used to be a recruiter so I am used to screening people and listening to them very carefully about what they want. I was talking to a good friend in another country the other day and she said she knows so many unhappy singles. It seems to be a serious need.

Who knows.

You sound like a total inspiration. You've overcome so much. Just keep doing what you do. Your mum would be proud of you.

I am really amazed and touched by everyone’s response on this thread, thank you so much!

Yes, so I did see a trauma therapist for a while as ironically I was feeling my life was so calm and secure that it seemed a good time to examine the past and understand just as you describe another20 how this trauma affected me in ways that maybe I hadn’t realized or understood. She was actually a great counselor but then of course the crazy cancer times started!

another20 regarding my DS, unfortunately being young and naive I didn’t understand what are now obvious and classic signs of grooming. In fact the adult male in question never seemed to like me and so my self-esteem felt very low around him. Now I realize that I’m sure he saw me as the No.1 threat to him getting to his goal. This guy spent lots of time apparently charming everyone around us, except me. I found him very dismissive and actually suspicious of me. I found it depressing to be around him (this is when I was 13-16) as he made me feel bad about myself. I guess he successfully chased me off, or made DS feel welcome at his home and me unwelcome.

So I didn’t understand all the red flags as I was young, trying to survive myself and of course it was the early 80s so all the education and information to the public about grooming and abuse was not common knowledge. I actually witnessed something that I thought seemed wrong yet at the same time in my naïveté I rationalized it and so didn’t tell anyone or report it.

I escaped being a target but only by grace. One time I was staying at a friend of the family’s home while my dad had been committed to a mental ward. There was a party and then a much older guy (at least late 40s) took me to restaurant in Soho after. We retuned to the house and it was probably 3-4am. I went to the loo and went up to my bedroom, when I went in this older man was in my bed. I was 14. Everyone else in the house was asleep. I told him to get out of my bed and leave and thank god he did. Oh yeah, he had stuck his tongue down my throat in the kitchen when we got back to the house, bleurghhhh.

So we had predators all around us. All of them regular “family friends”.

On the Matchmaking idea. Do it, do it, do it. You’d be fab

I agree that the last thing you’d need to to train to be a psychotherapist. You need more joy, not other peoples problems.

You’re an inspiration

Madambatty I was obsessively reading about matchmaking and watching YouTube documentaries on matchmaking. You know when you suddenly realise “why is this fascinating me?”. That’s when it slowly dawned that maybe this is something I could do. It’s for those men and women who KNOW that’s what they want (whether they were truly ready is something I think you’d need to screen for). We just seem in be getting rubbish and meeting others in the flesh these days.

Why am I attracted to this? Wanting to solve other people’s problems and make them happy can be about meeting a need in yourself. It can be very satisfying to fix things for others that are fractured in your self, (not just romantic) a need for connection and a happy ever after.

Maybe you have some unfinished work to do with the trauma therapist that was obviously interrupted by yours and your child’s cancer - and this has left you with some unanswered questions. Might be timely to pick that up again.

Sometimes people who have had a traumatic childhood become care-givers and sometimes there is a fine line between that compassion and co dependancy.

Like you I have circled the psychotherapy training for some time as I am concerned whether it would play to my strengths or my weaknesses. At the end of the day it’s firstly about being informed and then being aware of your own triggers and behaviours and the taking action - basically boundaries. I think the match making service sounds wonderful but you will be deep in the intimacies of peoples hope and dreams, regrets and frustrations - so not too far from psychotherapy in reality.

Another book rec ‘The Examined Life, how we lose and find ourselves’ by Steven Grosz.

@IdaBWells I know loads of people who’d like a matchmaker. Online dating seems so soulless & hit & miss.

Arrrgh just lost my post!

Herocomplex I don’t like to be over involved and nosy, I prefer to help people connect. As I mentioned I was a recruiter of senior positions many moons ago.

I guess another20 that I have the tendency to avoid co-dependency as I enjoy my independence, my brother says the same, and I think that is the result of our dad attempting to control us and us being out of control of what was happening to us. I think DH would be more co-dependent if I let him! As his mom has a tendency to cross boundaries and be over involved which is what he is used to. But I have very strong boundaries, in fact I think the therapist pointed out that I have overly strong boundaries, but can’t remember what that was about now!

You could be right about the matchmaking, but again I see it as a connecting role, the success of the connection is down to them. I guess I would see myself as helping them cut to the chase and at least getting rid of the time wasting element. They would know the person they were meeting was at minimum going to match their photo for example. Once people are ready for marriage that’s when they can struggle to find others at the same stage, I am also talking mostly about my faith group, a large proportion of whom once they get to a certain age/stage want to be married. I’m not interested in trying to persuade people to do something they’re not interested in!

I definitely have no interest in mothering adults, I do see that somehow despite all this technology a basic issue is not being solved, people are not connecting successfully - if at all. I have quite a strong analytical side.

I really don’t have the emotional energy for therapy at the mo. I am dealing with physical pain and I am not full of angst. It’s not really possible for me to get to appointments regularly.

Good to know MadamBatty it unfortunately does seem a common theme. Ultimately I do think we all want to be loved and “soulless” is absolutely the right word for what most people are experiencing when using typical apps. I do know of people who have made great connections online but I also know people like my SIL who said she had over 50 dates last year because she thought it was a numbers game. Still single.

Can I ask you all, do you think you have been brave in your life? I would be really interested to hear your thoughts.

Personally not sure - I am determined, resilient, driven - not sure about “brave” - I have faced off / got through some horrors that have come my way but not proactively taken a wild/brave decision, I don’t think ......but I did read this recently which chimed with me:
‘There can be no bravery without fear’

Can I recommend this podcast?

The woman who hosts it lost her father when she was 15- and she talks a lot about the long term effects it’s had on her. Many of her guests talk about the same thing.

I certainly didn’t mean to imply that you were either nosy or over-involved, I apologise if I inferred it.
I’m not brave, I second guess every thing and usually take the path of least resistance. I do have a persona I can put on in professional situations though which makes me act with authority.

Herocomplex no worries you didn’t! 😂 That was obviously my own quick take, may be the overly strong boundaries my therapist mentioned.....

As for brave I like the definition of when to do something scares you but doing it anyway. I think a lot of the time in our lives we don’t have much choice but to be “brave” by that definition.

I guess the point is if it doesn’t scare you, then really there isn’t any bravery involved (perhaps bravado).