Friends don’t approve of my relationship

[Holenewme]

I’ve never had this before and I don’t know how concerned I should be about it.

I’m recently separated from dh after several years of being very unhappy and neglected. No abuse or violence or anything, just being forgotten about. For many years throughout my marriage I have been pen pals I guess with a man who I’ve always admired as I’m a big fan of his. Not a celebrity as such, but very well respected in his field and incredibly intelligent. Over the last year or so our emails have become more friendly and I have confided in him about my feelings about divorce etc.

This man was giving a lecture in my county recently. We met for dinner afterwards and ended up sleeping together. Since then we have seen each other 4 times and slept together each time. Sex is good, he’s a lovely man and it’s nice to be with someone new. But it’s not a relationship - he lives 200 miles away with his teenage dc, we see each other if he’s passing or I’m in a nearby town but no intention of having a real relationship, introducing kids, anything like that. It is what it is and that’s fine for me and, he says, for him too.

But he’s 30 years older than me. Early 60’s to my early 30’s. The friends that I’ve told about this have all told me it’s disgusting, that he’s taking advantage of me, that he’s only using me for sex and everyone will just think I’m a gold digger. They’ve never met him but know who he is and know that I’ve known him for years. My friends are normally very level headed and I don’t think have ever given me bad advice. But they all made me feel so, I don’t know, dirty I guess.

Wwyd? Call it off just because my friends think it’s gross? Is it that gross? I’m a fully consenting adult, I’m attracted to this man and I enjoy his company. Whenever this thing does die out I think it could well be the end of our long friendship which makes me sad.

It's none of their business! You're both consenting adults. I assume he's not married?

I wouldn't think it gross but I would be worrying about you getting hurt long-term.
You are in a vulnerable position.
I would cool things and try to keep the relationship platonic. The odd meal and catch up- yes. Sex- no.

Is he married? If not, just stop telling your friends about him, and carry on enjoying yourself.

biwi no, he’s divorced too.

bluemerchant I could understand if they were worried about me getting hurt but they all seem concerned that I’m being manipulated. I don’t think I’m particularly vulnerable at the moment. I feel more confident and secure now than I have for years. I’m no longer sitting up all night wondering if dh will come home, who he’s with, where he is, what he’s doing. I really don’t ever want to get myself into a long term relationship again and this man fits the bill perfectly.

I wish I had listened to my friends about my first marriage.

Whilst I agree it is totally not their business, if they are all saying this I would have a long hard think about whether what they are saying is possibly true. Sometimes we don't spot when we are being manipulated, especially if we have been abused in the past.

I don't think the age gap is relevant. As long he is single and you are both clear about the relationship status I would tell them to jog on .

They are probably just grossed out because he's really old.
Probably no more than that.

If I were your friend I'd be concerned too. I'd be worried that you were getting emotionally entangled with someone who isn't right for you and stopping you from moving on with someone who would be right for you. I'd be worried that you'd get hurt. I'd be thinking what kind of man has sex with a woman half his age etc

If they arent usually like this. I would have a serious think about their reactions and try and unpick them.

If its purely about the age, then forget it and enjoy it.

But, I do see their point about manipulation. This is man that you have admired for a long time, they feel he used this to reel you in.

You may not feel vulnerable. I didnt straight after my divorce. I met a great man. We dated, casually. I had so much fun. Then I realised we were getting feelings for each other and I ended it.

Looking back now, I can see I was vulnerable. Came out if an abusive marriage and this mans attention made me feel happy because that's what i had been missing.

But I was vulnerable. I understand why your friends are worried. They feel you are vulnerable and this man is using your admiration to get you into bed.

Only time will tell, if this ends badly or not. And only you can decide how to proceed.

I think their concerns must be deeper than “he’s old, it’s gross”. Are they possibly seeing something that you are unable or unwilling to see? It’s hard to say without knowing you all.

I read and re-read your post.
I don't know you obviously but you sound sensible and personally, I see nothing wrong. You're separated, he isn't with anyone and you see each other on a casual basis. No-one is getting hurt, you are not involving children.
You admit you weren't in an abusive relationship with your ex so it's unlikely you're on the rebound. You enjoy each other's company regardless of the age difference.
It is not gross but if your friends feel this way then maybe don't 'over share' stuff with them.
If it works for you both and you're happy then that's all that matters

Enjoy yourself you deserve it

Enjoy yourself, as long as you're happy, he's happy, go for it. They are obviously looking out for you and probably think you'll eventually get more intense feelings for him and that's when things get difficult.

Age difference isn't a problem, just casual relationships are good if both remain clear on the rules.

Good luck and enjoy yourself, have a bit of fun

If you are saying that your friends are normally level headed and I'm assuming they normally have your best interest at heart I wouldn't dismiss their concerns so quickly.
I suggest you have an honest, rela ed chat with open ears and mind on your side and listen to what they say.
If you are sure theres no jealousy or resentment be glad you have friends that have your back.

You admit you weren't in an abusive relationship with your ex so it's unlikely you're on the rebound.

Rebounds are something that only happen when getting out of an abusive marriage.

You're 30 not 13
Both consenting adults and you seem to have your eyes wide open in regards to what this is. Have fun, enjoy yourself and don't worry about other people for a change
. Your friends may be jealous!

How would you feel if he had a fan in every town he passes through that he sleeps with?

The only thing I'll say is if it's making you happy, your safe bloody go for it !

Just be careful you could get hurt if this breaks off, but you've said you don't want long term relationship but you've got needs if he fits that bill and your happy what the hell?
Have you got maybe a best friend ?
That would understand.
Hope your ok though !!!

Depends if you will end up getting hurt. I can understand their concerns

I think it depends if you are being honest with yourself.

It sounds like you really admire him, for his professional life. Which is fine, and maybe it means you have lots to talk about etc.

I suppose your friends might be worried that you actually want more than you are saying you do. In which case I thin a 30 yr age gap is very significant, as is the fact he doesn't want any more. f you really don't want more, then all fine.

He's twice your age which makes alarm bells for your friends more likely. Maybe they are right, maybe they are wrong. Fact is we don't know because we don't know your friends.

Mine have been 100% accurate in their 'should Terry be in this relationship' assessments. Every single time. Including when I made some fairly reckless decisions about current DH. They all agreed, even though I thought they might not.

Are your friends solid, on your side, and normally right?

@Proteinshakesandovieshat
'*rebounds are something that only happen when getting out of an abusive relationship
Really ? Look up the definition of rebound.
I was trying to offer the OP advice, hence their post. What help or advice have you given to her other than pick one sentence I made?

I never talk to anyone other than my Mum about my love life. People mean well but I don't think their opinions and thoughts are needed in one of the most private areas of one's life unless they are asked for. Just keep your business to yourself, if you're happy that's all that matters x

No law against it, but he sounds like a complete douche

They are probably just grossed out because he's really old

FFS. Early 60s isn't really old!

And @Mythologies - why on earth would you say that?!

How much are you all judging him solely on the basis of his age?