Friends don’t approve of my relationship

[Holenewme]

I’ve never had this before and I don’t know how concerned I should be about it.

I’m recently separated from dh after several years of being very unhappy and neglected. No abuse or violence or anything, just being forgotten about. For many years throughout my marriage I have been pen pals I guess with a man who I’ve always admired as I’m a big fan of his. Not a celebrity as such, but very well respected in his field and incredibly intelligent. Over the last year or so our emails have become more friendly and I have confided in him about my feelings about divorce etc.

This man was giving a lecture in my county recently. We met for dinner afterwards and ended up sleeping together. Since then we have seen each other 4 times and slept together each time. Sex is good, he’s a lovely man and it’s nice to be with someone new. But it’s not a relationship - he lives 200 miles away with his teenage dc, we see each other if he’s passing or I’m in a nearby town but no intention of having a real relationship, introducing kids, anything like that. It is what it is and that’s fine for me and, he says, for him too.

But he’s 30 years older than me. Early 60’s to my early 30’s. The friends that I’ve told about this have all told me it’s disgusting, that he’s taking advantage of me, that he’s only using me for sex and everyone will just think I’m a gold digger. They’ve never met him but know who he is and know that I’ve known him for years. My friends are normally very level headed and I don’t think have ever given me bad advice. But they all made me feel so, I don’t know, dirty I guess.

Wwyd? Call it off just because my friends think it’s gross? Is it that gross? I’m a fully consenting adult, I’m attracted to this man and I enjoy his company. Whenever this thing does die out I think it could well be the end of our long friendship which makes me sad.

Without knowing him or you it's not really possible to call it and say whether your friends are right or not. Personally, my gut feeling is that he's not much of a friend to you if he's listened to all your marital/divorce woes, knows that you are in a potentially vulnerable place, and yet has taken literally the very first opportunity that has presented itself to get you in bed. Your "dates" always end in sex. It sounds very predatory and sleazy.

The age gap thing is also troublesome. You are in your thirties, been married, have a career. It's not the same innate power imbalance as it would be if you were 20 to his 50. The issue is more that his relationships always feature a significant age gap. It's something he seeks out. Because he thinks women are valuable only for their youth and looks? Because the younger women he chooses are "inferior" to him in terms of career or experience? I can't think of a positive reason for this preference.

Tread with caution. Maybe your friends are on to something.

It's the same imbalance as a professor-student relationship. That's why your friends are uneasy. It's easy to con yourself into thinking it's harmless, that you're in control of your emotions, you won't mind when it ends, until it does - and you do.

Argghh! Tricky one this. The massive flag for me are your friends reactions. I think they're seeing something you're not OR they know something they're not telling you because they don't want to hurt you.

You are vulnerable. Very. Be careful

Sorry, but I’m another one to say to listen to your friends’ reactions, unless they are negative people generally. The specifics of age gap etc aside, sometimes someone on the outside can see things that get lost when you’re in the thick of an infatuation.

Sounds like good fun to me OP!

Enjoy and keep it casual. One day you will get fed up, but had a good time. Been there, done that.

I have a friend in a very similar situation as the OP...in her 40's, met a man in his 70's. Left an abusive marriage (and kids) to be with the older man whom she had already divulged details of her unhappy marriage/family life to in the lead up to him promising her the earth (and his bank balance).

Many red flags were raised by many close friends especially regarding her children. But the response from her was generally that people are "being negative", "being critical", "don't understand" or "can't be a friend if they aren't happy for me".

Having now been the kind of friend the OP is talking about, that raised my concerns, I know that the next time this kind of situation arises, I would keep my concerns to myself and just let my friend know that I was there if she needed me. Sometimes when friends ask for advice or your opinion, they don't always want to hear what you really think, they just need a shoulder if it doesn't work out.

In my case, all that happened was that it ruined our friendship.

Well, having taken my friends (and your) advice a bit more seriously I decided to do a bit of googling. According to several reddit threads (and one on here form years ago!) he’s absolutely notorious for shagging his fans 😂. I might give it a rest then. I hate being wrong.

It really isn't you that's wrong at all, though - it's him that's a sleaze.
You're cool.
KOKO and someone cool will come along

Thanks mythologies. I might just not mention this to my friends.

Also he’s written a FB post today on his fan page mentioning a girlfriend he’s been with since autumn. I’m such a dumbass.

He’s strung you along waiting for his chance to shag you .

He’s taken advantage of and abused your admiration for him when he knows ur confidence is at its lowest .

No law against this but I think he has kind of groomed you .

Sorry

I don’t regret it though. I’m not heartbroken or anything, just feel a bit cheated as I genuinely considered him a friend.

Good well just blow him off cold next time : )

Let him be the one dribbling over you, and you go find yourself a younger hottie ....

Really OP?! Did you honestly never think to Google him once in ten years?!

I might just not mention this to my friends.
They may well already know if they've done a quick Google on 'famous person shagging fans'.

Keep your relationship to yourself. They don't need to know who you're sleeping with and it's no more than that, so keep them out of your private life.

Just seen your update. He has a GF.... hmmm.

I would imagine they already know.

If he is well known and I was worried about a friend, I would have.

That might be why, they are worried.

You were 'friends' for a long time. But this type of man maintains these friendships, to line up future sexual partners as and when the opportunity arises.

He will be doing this with lots of women. It's not your fault. Your friends suspected and the probably googled him. It's not tour fault you fell for it.

He is a shit bag.

I have googled him before, I’ve just never looked at any of his fan pages or anything. I was a fan of his work, met him and kept in contact with him and do didn’t really feel the need to read gossip about him online.

lolasmiles I think you’re probably right. That’s probably exactly what I’d have done if my friend was in a similar situation.

If you still want him in your life I would keep it cordial but distant. If you've been telling him about your life and marriage and how you've been feeling it does smack of him taking advantage of you.

Oh it's one of these" guess what (not so ) famous person I am shagging" threads again

Oh my actual god. His initials are MC aren’t they?

@Cutantrim erm...Michael Crawford? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Er no.