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Original poster

Friends don’t approve of my relationship

78 replies

Holenewme · 14/07/2019 17:42

I’ve never had this before and I don’t know how concerned I should be about it.

I’m recently separated from dh after several years of being very unhappy and neglected. No abuse or violence or anything, just being forgotten about. For many years throughout my marriage I have been pen pals I guess with a man who I’ve always admired as I’m a big fan of his. Not a celebrity as such, but very well respected in his field and incredibly intelligent. Over the last year or so our emails have become more friendly and I have confided in him about my feelings about divorce etc.

This man was giving a lecture in my county recently. We met for dinner afterwards and ended up sleeping together. Since then we have seen each other 4 times and slept together each time. Sex is good, he’s a lovely man and it’s nice to be with someone new. But it’s not a relationship - he lives 200 miles away with his teenage dc, we see each other if he’s passing or I’m in a nearby town but no intention of having a real relationship, introducing kids, anything like that. It is what it is and that’s fine for me and, he says, for him too.

But he’s 30 years older than me. Early 60’s to my early 30’s. The friends that I’ve told about this have all told me it’s disgusting, that he’s taking advantage of me, that he’s only using me for sex and everyone will just think I’m a gold digger. They’ve never met him but know who he is and know that I’ve known him for years. My friends are normally very level headed and I don’t think have ever given me bad advice. But they all made me feel so, I don’t know, dirty I guess.

Wwyd? Call it off just because my friends think it’s gross? Is it that gross? I’m a fully consenting adult, I’m attracted to this man and I enjoy his company. Whenever this thing does die out I think it could well be the end of our long friendship which makes me sad.

OP posts:
31RueCambon · 14/07/2019 23:31

Twice your age, hmm.

Is the sex good? Really? Genuine question. I have never had a boyfriend over 50 without erection problems. Sigh.

BoronationStreet · 14/07/2019 23:33

Have you thought this through? In 10 years you could be wiping his ass. No thanks. Confused

Mythologies · 15/07/2019 00:24

It’s not his age that makes him a douche - I am old - it’s the fact that he grooms groupies half his age

Seaweed42 · 15/07/2019 01:38

What line of work is he in? What is he famous for? Your friends care about you. You admired this man for his mind. The harsh reality might be that, like any bloke, he wouldn't look 'a no strings attached sex with a woman half my age' gift horse in the mouth.

SemperIdem · 15/07/2019 01:47

As a fling - fine.

As a long term relationship - no, don’t do it to yourself.

SemperIdem · 15/07/2019 01:49

@BIWI give over, it is really old in comparison to someone half his age.

Would you be happy if that was your child?

I married and had a child with someone 20years older than me. I would absolutely not be happy if my child did the same, age 20. Or indeed was the older, age 40.

Tavannach · 15/07/2019 02:28

I think if you're happy with this that's fine. You sound realistic about understanding this is not anything more than fwb. Don't let it shut you off from other more promising relationships though.

Thymeout · 15/07/2019 02:50

I can understand your friends' reservations. It's not just the age gap. I think it's because it's not an equal relationship. As you admit, you're a fan of his. You're flattered. The probability is that you wouldn't be sleeping with anyone else of his age. You'rer a big fan of his - but he hasn't been hero-worshiping you for the last however many years.

How does he see you? Are you special to him, because you're you? Or is it just your age that makes you attractive to him? I'd feel taken advantage of if I thought that he'd sleep with any 30 yr old if he had the chance.

Anyone who's just come out of an unhappy relationship is vulnerable and likely not to be thinking straight. If I were your friends, I'd worry that you're going to end up getting hurt.

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 15/07/2019 06:10

@Livebythecoast its was actually spelling mistake. It should have said 'arent something that only happens after an abusive relationship'

If OP has ended her marriage recently, it could be a rebound relationship. You said it was unlikely as it wasnt abusive. I think it could be.

I have offered the op advice.

Original poster
Holenewme · 15/07/2019 07:32

I’m hardly a groupie that he’s groomed. He works in the same area as I do. He’s much more successful but has helped me out with work advice over the years. If he was planning on grooming me he certainly took his time about it, we’ve been corresponding for nearly a decade.

The sex is good, no erection problems so far. I haven’t had sex for nearly 3 years though so I’d probably be satisfied dry jumping a door frame at this point.

I know it’s a massive age difference, one of many reasons why I wouldn’t consider an actual relationship with him.

He might sleep with other 30 year olds given the chance, I don’t know. Certainly he’s generally gone for younger women, his wife was nearly 20 years younger than him. But all of his other relationships I’ve known about they tend to have been 10-15 years younger.

It’s true I probably wouldn’t consider anyone else that age. It’s confusing because I know him now as a friend but it certainly did start out as me being a fan I guess (although I am still a massive fan of his work).

OP posts:
Proteinshakesandovieshat · 15/07/2019 07:40

You are a bit of a groupie. You have been writing to a man for 10 years based on his work. That's not a bad thing.

However, I can see why from your friends point if view its concerning.

You have been writing to him and are a fan of him. You split with your husband and almost immediately the chat turns in a different direction, and you and he are now having sex. I imagine you friends think he is the type of man that loves the attention of younger women, perhaps writing to lots in nom sexual ways. But then the minute he picks up that he can shag these 'friends', he pounced on it. Taking advantage of the fact they are going through a bit of a poor time of it

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 15/07/2019 07:42

I would park my friends'advice and revisit it if I started feeling uncomfortable. They obviously care for you.

But the way you describe the relationship sounds fun to me. Just enjoy it for what it is.

Stillstrawberrywater · 15/07/2019 07:45

If you both know it's no strings fun and you won't be meeting each others family then I see no harm.

TheStuffedPenguin · 15/07/2019 07:51

You said you are recently separated so therefore it is difficult for you to say or KNOW what you are going to want out of life . You say you never want a full time relationship with a man again? Really ? At your age ? You could feel very different in a couple of years . You are recovering right now.

The point I am making is while you are shagging this man you ARE going to develop feelings for him (probably) and it is going to stop you meeting someone else who may want to have a proper relationship . A crazy time like this is good for getting over a break up but it's not sensible to continue it. We think we are on control in something like this but usually it comes back to bite us on the bum. We say "well I will do it for a few months" but then it runs on and on . I would say you deserve better than this with a man who is probably doing this all over .

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/07/2019 09:37

Even if he was taking slight advantage of the OP's admiration for him, show me a man who wouldn't. Isn't it natural to want sexual partners who are impressed with us?
I can't see the harm, so long as the OP is clear about what this is, which she seems to be. Happy days Wink

notacooldad · 15/07/2019 09:52

Sometimes friends can't win!!
If they feel something is not quite right they are in the wrong for 'interefering'. If they don't speak up and everything goes wrong ' they are asked ' why didn't you say something!!!'
I have seen this play out so many times over the decades!!

ChristmasFluff · 15/07/2019 09:57

I agree with @Prawnofthepatriarchy - keep it in mind, but continue enjoying this for what it is. But if you find you are getting feelings for this man and are wanting more than a shag, revisit their misgivings.

If he is genuinely not a long-term prospect, his suitablility/genuineness doesn't matter. But if you ever become hurt-able in the relationship - it really does.

Original poster
Holenewme · 15/07/2019 10:34

I’m not angry or pissed off with my friends and it hasn’t affected our friendship at all. I’m just surprised they are unhappy about it when they can’t give me any specific reasons as to why. I really do value their opinion which is why I’m mulling over it so much but I just can’t see why they think I might be being taken advantage of.

Yes, I suppose I would be counted as a ‘fan’ of his. But I don’t understand how that would change the dynamic any more than it would if I was shagging someone simply because I found them incredibly good looking or incredibly funny. It’s just an aspect of him that I find attractive, same as he probably is attracted to me due to me being a lot younger. But on top of the attraction we’re friends and I think we can talk fairly honestly about what we can expect from each other, which is very little.

stuffedpenguin you’re right, I may well change my mind about wanting a real relationship in a few years. I can’t see myself being in that position yet but it is very early days. Right now I’m loving having my bed to myself and not having to worry about where my dh is/ what he might be doing.

I think this whole thing will cool down soon anyway. The man is going away for a month in a couple of weeks so we’ll just see how it goes after that I guess.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 15/07/2019 10:40

I’m just surprised they are unhappy about it when they can’t give me any specific reasons as to why
Sometimes things 'just dont feel right' people cant put the finger on what's wrong but something feels off. One bit if as ice that comes up time and time again on MN is your gut instinct is there for a reason and it seems like tour pals have that, especially if it's more than one of them feeling it

I'm not saying anything one way or another about your relationship, that's up to you but it is a bit curious they are getting a vibe.

ShouldISpy · 15/07/2019 10:51

I would say stay guarded, OP.

I am doing something very similar, jumped right into a FWB situation after leaving my abusive stbxh. I have done it with my eyes wide open, in order to distance myself from him as quickly as possible.

Maybe it's the wrong choice, as some people have said here. At the moment, I have no regrets. In fact, I'm glad of it - I have excised him from my heart/mind/life with precision, imo. The last time I saw him I felt precisely nothing. It was good for me.

I don't expect my current situation will last very long, but that's ok. I don't want any long term relationships again any time soon, if ever. I've chosen a decent bloke to have fun with. I don't see anything wrong with what I'm doing.

However, I have only told a very few people what I'm up to - because I know I would get some quite horrified reactions! I think I know myself better than anyone else, though.....

ShouldISpy · 15/07/2019 10:53

ah, I should say, stay guarded because you don't want to get your heart involved.

At least, that's what I'm doing!

Mythologies · 15/07/2019 11:25

I would be more worried about my career than my heart if I were the OP.

Original poster
Holenewme · 15/07/2019 11:33

mythologies this man can do absolutely nothing to my career. It’s the same industry but we’re both self employed. Even if he decided to go around and tell other people in our industry I’m the devil it wouldn’t affect me at all. All our customers are external and independent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holenewme · 15/07/2019 11:34

But yes, I am trying to stay guarded. For now though it’s just lovely to have a nice date with someone whose company I enjoy and a good shag. As I say I’m sure it will fizzle out shortly due to him going away and I don’t mind that either.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 15/07/2019 11:39

Youre both consenting adults so it's technically none of their business, however I do find it a bit questionable that someone who is well regarded in their field enough to travel around giving lectures is happy to be an emotional crutch to a woman he doesn't know that well, happy to hear her talk through her divorce and then conveniently gets sex when he happens to be in town.

If you're both happy it is 100% casual and are taking all relevant precautions then go ahead, but I wouldn't be surprised if he has different women in different towns so he can get some everywhere he visits.