Has anyone ever stopped and realised that their friends are not their friends at all?

[Hopefullynottheorangecreme]

What it says in the title really.
Has anyone ever stopped and realised that friends are only really friends when there’s something they can gain or when it’s good for them.
That some friendships are one sided and you do all the chasing, telling them you’re always free for them just to make arrangements eventually and be let down at the last minute?
I’m by no means a needy friend. I’d be happy to see my friends once a month or even less so long as real connection and want was maintained on both sides but it’s not.
Then there are the friends who really you don’t have much in common with at all and you just meet for coffee and feel more drained leaving then when you went to see them.
Then there are friends who you’ve just drifted from over the years but still try and keep in contact because they’re “friends”.

I’ve been doing allot of self reflection lately and am due to start some counselling soon and I’ve just realised that of course it’s most probably largely down to me for allowing my boundaries and expectations to be this way but I’ve just realised that no one really cares about me and my children yet I hold on for some reason.

Well done you, OP.

There are so many nice people in the world, and we really don't have to tolerate 'users'.

You are right. The solution is to 'fix your picker'. That is your issue to sort out. Maya Angelou says: when people tell you who they are, believe them: the first time. Its not that they don't know, or you need to tell them, its that they really are like this.

I give 3. If they do the third thing that shows me they are not my friend, then I gracefully withdraw.

Keep working on your boundaries and expectations, and your picker will fix to the straightforward people who deal in RECIPROCITY.

I think about this too. I have friends who it can be a bit one way (their way!) I tend to think of them as friends for fun rather than close iyswim? So if I’ve nothing better to do I’ll go out but I don’t expect too much from them? I do have lovely people in my life but they tend to have a lot of pals already so can’t always be avail! I’m in my 40s and ive just tried to adjust my expectations as everyone has busy lives.

Friends are overrated imo. I like to keep mine slightly at arm's length. Frightened of getting burned...yet again.

Yes unfortunately I have.
When my dd died I really found out who my friends were.
One friend actually gave a interview to reporters and made comments on a public FB page about dd. I was devastated she could do that.
I had several friendships that ended when she died.
I'm now every careful who I let Into my life now.

I'm sorry to hear you feel like your friends aren't treating you better but they do say that awareness is the first step in recovery. I've learned a lot from Mumsnet. I was here under another username and learned that I'm codependent...I don't know you but you might be too?

I was doing all the giving in relationships and friendships and that was how I felt needed and important. I completely under-valued myself. Don't for a second assume I'm totally 'over it' and perfect now but I've really taken steps to adjust my boundaries, just like you write.

I always take stock about how I feel after I leave a friend. If I feel angry or worse than when I first saw her/him, I do start to pull back a little.

Recently, I had to pull back from my oldest friend. It was always dysfunctional in that I was his therapist, not his friend. It said a lot about both of us and I'm no longer happy with that dynamic. I've realised I'm a person with needs too.

Best of luck to you, OP. The great news is that the more you assert boundaries, the clearer the 'real' friends become. That's been my experience anyhow.

Yeah. My main experie nce of this was about four years ago. I'd been in contact with my best friend from school on and off; about six years ago we started meeting up and going out for drinks etc. She'd be my best mate until her other idiot friends turned up, then I'd be ignored. The last time I met up with her was at her house, which turned out to be a house party. I left not ling after she bought a load of coke and started snorting it off her kids' toy kitchen.
She wanted drug buddies; I'm not remotely interested in that, and it's fine.

That incident gave me the kick up the arse I needed; I started changing in terms of only wanting to hang out with quality people.
My husband is my best friend. And my kids.

Thats truly awful, and I'm so sorry @ParkheadParadise, much love to you 💐🙏

Yes OP I've had moments of realisation with a few people and have found the best way to "gracefully withdraw" as per @ScreamingLadySutch.

Plenty of 'takers' in this world but thankfully also many 'givers' too.

Well done op! I realised about 15 years ago that the difference in my friendships actually highlighted a disparity, with a small group whom I let into my life when I shouldn't have. I cleared them out. I think of them, miss one of them from time to time, but am glad I did it. So much drama out of my life!

@ParkheadParadise I’m truly sorry for the loss of your daughter, I can’t begin to imagine and I’m sorry that the people around you weren’t there to support you the way they should have been. Sending love and hugs your way.
@ScreamingLadySutch there are. And although I have encountered and accepted too many users in life and not just all friendships but romantic relationships too, not all of the people I’m talking about are necessarily users, some are people that I simply have really nothing left in common with and I don’t really understand why I still try and maintain friendships. I like the 3 chances idea.
@Newgirls
I fully understand that in our 30s, 40s ect people are busy, it’s the time of children and family, of living and self discovery and I don’t expect much from anyone but just a bit of 2 way effort in the maintaining of friendships and people actually caring that you and your children exist and have feelings too would be nice.
@malificent7 I’m sorry you feel worried about getting hurt. I completely understand the feeling but ultimately it really does only hurt ourselves to live in fear of others all our lives. I’m just learning this. I definitely fear other people’s motives and intentions, give too much of myself and ignore my own gut instincts telling myself it must be me and that I’m crazy and just looking for the negative to often prove myself right in the end about my original gut instincts.
@Dillydoun I don’t know if I think they’re treating me badly just a feeling that they couldn’t care less whether I contacted them again or not.... unless they needed something of course.
Well done for figuring that out, it’s a tough pill to swallow but is very important to realise.
I did 21 or 22 sessions (can’t remember which one) of CBT last year and it helped but yes I am co-dependant and I have worked that out this year away from CBT.
I am codependant in life as a whole. Mostly with romantic relationships but also with relationships in general.
It comes from an inner feeling of being worthless, a waste of space and so many other things so if I just make other people happy then I’m good for something at least I suppose but I want to break free from that now.
I’m starting some counselling sessions soon and I can’t wait to explore and understand myself more.
I’m sorry you had to pull back from your old friend. It sounds like it has been more positive than negative though for you. I also have realised that with my oldest friend there’s really nothing left there. She doesn’t care about our friendship and to be honest I’m not sure she ever really did I just didn’t see it. It’s sad and I wish it wasn’t the case but it is and so it’s healthier to stop trying.
Thank you and good luck to you also for the ongoing work 😊
@Yachiru you sound so much better off out of that one, what a awful “friend”!
I’m sorry you were treated that way by her but I’m glad you have such a fantastic family!
@Closetbeanmuncher (love the name! 😁😂) I am currently gracefully withdrawing from a few too, easier with some than others.
One in particular who drains the life out of me not because she relies too much on me, I’m happy to help her out in any way I can and to be there for her emotionally but it’s like she only ever wants to talk about things that might be going wrong for me. Puts a downer on my personal life and has at times relentlessly drunk called me and left rude voicemails ect telling me she has no recollection the next day ect.
She seems to enjoy giving a guilt trip and I then panic that I must be a terrible person.
@dudsville drama is never needed in life. I’m glad you were able to make that choice.
Sorry to hear that you miss one of them but I’m glad it was a good choice for you 😊

@Hopefullynottheorangecreme
It's very difficult being codependent and I can completely relate to that feeling of wanting to help and please others to feel worthy or valued. We need to not just learn but feel that we are worthy and valuable. Do you ever see those people who are just so aware of their inherent worth? It's often not obvious why. It's never down to simple things like looks and money etc. It's often just this strong, underlying self-esteem. I know a girl like that and she had a husband who treats her like nothing less than a queen!

Friendships and relationships can be a handy yardstick to judge our emotional wellbeing by. When I'm struggling in those, I know that maybe I'm struggling with myself. We'll get there! xx

@Dillydoun well said

Yes and they are no longer a friend.

I miss them at times because we had a very long friendship with some wonderful memories but I don't regret my decision.

I find I know lots of people on a superficial level - but nobody really knows me.

I keep in touch with people, arrange meet ups, check up on them when they are down but nobody ever calls me to see how I am.

Yup. I made several friends through a shared interest. Then their circumstances changed. I do all the messaging and suggesting that we meet up. Occasionally one or two are free but most aren't and never bother attempting to suggest an alternative date or spontaneously suggesting we meet up.

I feel I've come to the end of the road. I'm going to stop making all the overtures and I foresee the 'friendships' dying out completely.

I needed this thread today. I realised that whilst I send/buy birthday cards for my friends, 90% don't bother. My DH said to stop sending them but I realised that I want to be friends with people who can be bothered to get me a card. It's not just about the cards, it's the lack of thought for anyone except themselves.

I feel like there's something wrong with me that my friends treat me like this. Family too.

Yep. One was friends with me and her teen dc friends with my dc although hers was a year older. They used to do an activity together and we used to lift share.

Well I thought we were friends. Turns out we were just a convenience because literally as soon as her dc left the activity all contact stopped. I would text her or send messages on fb and I got the complete cold shoulder. Nothing. The dc unfriended my dc on fb almost straight away as well.

I had another so-called friend who only ever contacted me if her garden needed doing or she was decorating, or moving house etc. I always seemed to be asked round at just the right time to help her out with stuff. I stopped being quite so available a couple of years ago and she hasn't contacted me since. Her loss.

I think this is all quite common. I remember one year I sent every friend a birthday card & mine came and I got none! I got texts but people remember the sweetness for a moment and then just move on with their lives. We are all the types who think of others a lot whereas a lot of people simply don’t.

Totally. DH was very seriously unwell at the beginning of the year which resulted in a long stay in a hospital quite a big distance away.
I don’t post these things on FB or actively go tell lots of people unless I am seeing them.
I ran into my oldest friend, I must have looked a state, all she said was ‘oh have you had a drama’. She has never once asked how I or DH is (she has known him also for over 20 years). In fact she mostly is annoyed that I haven’t attended some events she has organised in this time.
People are very disappointing.

I’ve given up trying to make friends or keep friends. I’ve been badly burnt 3 times in the last year. I’ve realised that I’m just not a good judge of character. I can’t navigate a group of women and I just don’t get all the goings ons. I just want everyone to like me and I am always a decent person and put myself out. Nobody does the same back though so what’s the point. If you can meet one genuine best friend who never lets you down then you’re winning at life.

Mn helped me realize that someone I thought was a friend isn't. Sad but I've moved on

Yep. I've ditched almost every friend ive had. I have a knack for picking crap ones who just take the piss. I had one that I regret losing but she changed and not for the better.

Kids about to leave school and I've realised I'll be keeping 2 of the mums as friends, the rest can fuck off quite frankly. I'm going through a divorce at the moment, only 2 (the 2 I'm bothering to keep) actually contact me and ask how I am or visit. Not one of the others have asked. My family are just as bad.

I've come to the conclusion that most people are selfish and crap. If you find a rare gem of a good friend, hold the fuck onto them!

I'm grateful for this thread as I thought I must be the only adult in the world with no mates. I know I could have many fake friends, but I'd rather not lower my standards. Itd be a waste of everyone's time.
Once i rais ed my bar I've found that more people on my wavelength have started talking t o me.

Not just friends-sadly family too 😢

@babyno5 i hear you. Im a self-made orphan. And better off for it.