Has anyone ever stopped and realised that their friends are not their friends at all?

[Hopefullynottheorangecreme]

What it says in the title really.
Has anyone ever stopped and realised that friends are only really friends when there’s something they can gain or when it’s good for them.
That some friendships are one sided and you do all the chasing, telling them you’re always free for them just to make arrangements eventually and be let down at the last minute?
I’m by no means a needy friend. I’d be happy to see my friends once a month or even less so long as real connection and want was maintained on both sides but it’s not.
Then there are the friends who really you don’t have much in common with at all and you just meet for coffee and feel more drained leaving then when you went to see them.
Then there are friends who you’ve just drifted from over the years but still try and keep in contact because they’re “friends”.

I’ve been doing allot of self reflection lately and am due to start some counselling soon and I’ve just realised that of course it’s most probably largely down to me for allowing my boundaries and expectations to be this way but I’ve just realised that no one really cares about me and my children yet I hold on for some reason.

Yes I have. In that situation I try to step back a bit and expect less. But I don't cut them because I've also had the opposite experience. A person who I'd pretty much written off did a nice thing for me. Or a group I'd given up on actually got together and had a great time. So I think it pays to step back without burning bridges.

Also I think andromedas post is so true.

You are not alone OP.
I learned who was there last year when my son was diagnosed with a life limiting disease. So many people ran for the hills, family too.
Just recently I thought I'd cracked the friends thing but got let down again and now feel like a mug.

Yes. Friendship is not worth bothering with any more as everybody is so self centred.

Yes. Friendship is not worth bothering with any more as everybody is so self centred

This is really sad. Tbh I think you can be a good role model in this regard. I had a pretty self-centred friend who only ever talked about herself. I continued to listen & give feedback and when I’d text her back, I’d always refer back to what she wrote, which she never did. As the years have gone by and she’s made more friends, I think she’s grown to really appreciate me. Her behaviour has changed and she gives me much more attention. ‘Be the change you want to see in the world.’

Let’s face it, it’s nice to talk to others about their lives and we can actively talk about ourselves when the time is right. It’s hard but people do pick up on how good you are. They do realise what a good listener is but sometimes just take time to learn those skills themselves.

I think that you can look at it more positively though - as in Marie Kondo your social life.

As the decades roll on you need a strategic declutter - only stay with those who truly “spark joy” in your life - keep it minimalist and light and clear space for new friends to join your journey.

When I realised that you can split friends into “radiators” or “drains” - it really helped me. I also have hierarchies - where I am clear what my emotional investment / boundaries will be - so v happy to turn up to a group event have some fun but totally on the look out and disengage when any gossip, bitching, social profiling, competitive shit seeps in.

another20 I think that’s a great attitude to have!

Another vote for radiators and drains - so true

I think friends are just as capable of love bombing like a partner would and then dropping you when they don't need your help or validation anymore.

Friends are overrated imo. I like to keep mine slightly at arm's length. Frightened of getting burned...yet again.
This. It's just not worth it. I've just lost another friend who, despite being fairly shitty on the friend stakes recently, seemed to think it was all my fault (part was & I admitted that). They wouldn't accept any responsibility and have walked away (after demonstrating a previously-unknown drama queen routine) and don't want to be friends. And actually that's okay by me.

Yeah, I’ve just realised this over the past few days about my closest friend. She’s recently moved in with her fairly new boyfriend and obviously he is perfect, wonderful and everything is great (they’ve only been together ten months).

Since he moved in she has pretty much stopped contacting me. We used to message each other an awful lot during the day and really supported one another but since he moved in, she now will send me one short message a day if I’m lucky. I realise I sound like a bit of a teenager but it has upset me, I considered her a very close friend.

@AndromedaKmoght I love your view!
I’ve just been reflecting this week on it all and ultimately it all comes down to myself.
I think I can pretty much sum it up in one .
“Be careful what you tolerate, you are teaching people how to treat you”.
I think I have sat back for years with different people allowing shitty friendships into my life.
I’m not saying I haven’t gained any joy from them because at times I have but the majority of the time they leave me feeling empty and let down.
Maybe that’s more my issue I’m not sure but all I know is I’m done trying all the time, putting in the effort and the want.
If that means I’m a bit of a loner than so be it.

Agree with most comments made.

My feelings these days are:

• Look after yourself
• Look after your loved ones
• Be very careful when mixing business with pleasure, e.g. alcohol + nights out + colleagues = awkwardness/embarrassment/arguments/fallouts in the workplace the following week. Not always, but often.

Yeah and its when you suffer a serious life crisis that you find out who your friends are or aren't.

Its my experience that people are really only interested in themselves, their kids and partner. Friends tend to be out for what they can get and there's more users than not.
I prefer to keep to myself these days and feel better for it. Its wonderful not to be asked for constant favours etc.

I'm not struck on groups either, theres always one person bragging and boasting and talking just about themselves. No thanks.

I'm just reading this thread and can relate to it a lot! Always been a people pleaser, inherited from my Mum! I'm trying not to let it bother me as much these days and realise I have a lot to be grateful for but it's very hard sometimes!

I have tried to keep one or two superficial "friends" for fun - but I just couldn't do it. I'm just not superficial enough! Even though one of them I was actually very fond of, had a great laugh with sometimes, and even sometimes miss; but with whom after a couple of hours I always felt like shit!

Its not easy, and we sometimes make mistakes with keeping or losing friends along the way ...

Friends are not overrated as someone else said. They’re just referring to shit friends. I actually feel sorry for people who feel like this as well they’ve never enjoyed a genuinely real and good one if they have that view. I haven’t been lucky in love so far but I’m certainly lucky in friendships. Have many many genuine friends and 10-15 who are almost the equivalent of actually being in love in terms of how much we care and what we’d do for each other

I’m the single one and most of my close friends are married with kids and the whole shebang but makes no difference

You're very lucky in that case caucho , I agree good friends are not overrated and definitely something we all need in our lives.

I used to think that the fact that someone was selfish and inconsiderate on a day-to-day basis didn't mean that they weren't a great friend who would be there for you when the chips were down. I now think that I used to be a naive idiot!

One former friend just talked at me about herself every time we met (and on the phone) for years. About the fact that everyone was fatter than her, about how superior she was to office drones like me because she was a writer (mostly of erotic fanfiction which she posted on fan sites, but hey), about her expensive holidays, about her social media dramas, and did she mention she was a size six?

I met her for lunch one time when I'd been crying over a series of distressing events involving close family, and she proceeded to talk non-stop about herself for an hour without even acknowledging the fact that my eyes were swollen almost shut. I wasn't being passive-aggressive in not telling her I was upset - in the whole hour, she honestly didn't pause for breath for long enough for me to get out the words "I've had a bad week". She was that bad. She was also controlling and paranoid (didn't like my having other friends, would fly off the handle about everybody gaslighting her if I was evasive about meeting other friends because I didn't want the drama).

For some reason, I persisted in believing for over a decade that she was a lovely person and true friend deep down. I genuinely loved her. In the end, she got verbally abusive when I was heavily pregnant because I gently asked for some "me" time (I had SPD and prenatal anxiety and just couldn't come running every time she had a crisis on Tumblr or Twitter for a while). With hindsight, she was an abuser, towards her friends and - by her own admission - her husband. Also with hindsight, I believe that there was a kind of arrogance in my belief that I could see something special in her that nobody else could see. If someone is coming across like a complete dickhead, they probably are.

I always take stock about how I feel after I leave a friend. If I feel angry or worse than when I first saw her/him, I do start to pull back a little

Yes, what Dilly says above.
The weird thing was I always felt worse after seeing one friend, but in between times I felt OK about her, and even missed her when we fell out or didn't see each other for a long time. However, the friendship did flounder eventually. I think I would have had to have had very strong boundaries to retain the friendship, ie. more on my terms, but wasn't able to do that. I also felt I couldn't "trust" her - she was a shocking (and mostly negative) gossip about others, and I am sure she was the same about me ; I couldn't be honest about myself in any way because of this, and I think it was the clincher. But she was "fun" for an hour; however we lived too far away from each other to make it possible to meet up for just "an hour"!

she proceeded to talk non-stop about herself for an hour - this was my friend too. It must be common! It was exhausting. When she finally ran out of words and subjects (work, her latest fling, her family, her home, her flatmate, her holiday), she would then look a bit non-plussed and ask about me. If I then talked for a few minutes about myself or a dilemma or difficulty in my life, there would be a short pause, a couple of meaningless words and then ... back to her!!!!!

I have learned who my real friends are over the years. In my teens my so-called best friend would be around if she needed something but be ready to drop me if her more exciting friends were around. Just recently I have been through a separation and a few people who I expected to get in touch didn't bother. When I have bumped into them I can sense a vibe from them that they feel a bit awkward. I will always remember who the kind people were who offered me help practically and emotionally.

I’ve very recently, in the last few weeks, had to cut a friend loose. She was the closest friend I’d had since my teenage years. We went through IVF together; she was the first person (other than DH) I told when I got pregnant. When she got pregnant she didn’t tell me until she was well into her second trimester. This upset me a little, perhaps unreasonably.

Every time I have seen her over the past year I have been left feeling sad and empty and I just could not work out why; I still don’t know. The last time I saw her I cried when she left and I had no idea why.

What sealed the end of our friendship was a “fake” invitation to her child’s birthday party. She said my daughter was invited and then when I later contacted her to check the details she said she was no longer having a party as it was too stressful. Come the day of her child’s birthday was a lovely photo on Facebook of her child’s birthday party!

I was quite upset, but I don’t let people treat me badly twice. She won’t get another chance.