Has anyone ever stopped and realised that their friends are not their friends at all?

[Hopefullynottheorangecreme]

What it says in the title really.
Has anyone ever stopped and realised that friends are only really friends when there’s something they can gain or when it’s good for them.
That some friendships are one sided and you do all the chasing, telling them you’re always free for them just to make arrangements eventually and be let down at the last minute?
I’m by no means a needy friend. I’d be happy to see my friends once a month or even less so long as real connection and want was maintained on both sides but it’s not.
Then there are the friends who really you don’t have much in common with at all and you just meet for coffee and feel more drained leaving then when you went to see them.
Then there are friends who you’ve just drifted from over the years but still try and keep in contact because they’re “friends”.

I’ve been doing allot of self reflection lately and am due to start some counselling soon and I’ve just realised that of course it’s most probably largely down to me for allowing my boundaries and expectations to be this way but I’ve just realised that no one really cares about me and my children yet I hold on for some reason.

@ihatesundays I've had pretty much the same this year - hardly any contact from friends while my husband was very ill. Even worse, one of the few friends that was really there for me has now got cancer and only months to live.

@Yachiru it's my sister and her family in my case. Just one broken arrangement too far-my daughters 18th. Up to that point I did all the running, listening to endless woes, helping out when things went wrong-financially and emotionally.
Some people only think about themselves xx

@Honeyroar I know if I had put it on FB it would have been full of comments from people ‘let me know what I can do to help’ bullshit.
I tried a few times to get people to look after DD as visiting him was quite stressful- literally no one helped.

I don’t even want help. You just want someone to ask if you are okay. Which actually a lot of DHs friends did, pity I can’t get the same.

I'm so glad I read this ... I thought I was the only one! I am mega jealous of those people with a best friend who love them unconditionally. I lost most of my 'friends' when I had my twins at 30 weeks. Horrible realisation that you no longer have any friends. Makes you doubt who you are as a person ... But everything happens for a reason. I give too much & am then upset when it isn't reciprocated. I honestly feel there are a lot more selfish people around these days ... Only care about themselves! If you find a genuine person, keep hold of them like gold dust!!

I did end up putting a post on Facebook because some people knew, others didn't. I got a lot of those exact messages, or "thinking of you" from people who lived less than a mile away. I used to think why can't you just call in!! I don't mind the "thinking of you"s from people far away or acquaintances. I'm seeing it a bit now with some of my friend with cancer's friends. They post memes about sharing this if you know someone fighting cancer, and will no doubt turn up at her funeral, but they've not visited once in the year that she's been fighting it. I just find I'm having to clamp my teeth to my tongue!!

So many times I have had that lightbulb moment when I have realised a friendship is one sided.

Once I spot it I walk away and never go back....I am very kind and giving but I am nobodies mug.

I have mentioned a few times on here about helping out a friend for years,when I got cancer she pissed off,I stole her limelight.

I wish she would approach me and ask another favour,would love to give her a peace of my mind.

I agree that family can be just as bad or worse.
It’s a sad fact that true friends are very hard to find.

Friends can be for a reason, a season or a lifetime. You need to quality not quantity and as life moves on it’s fine to deselect and declutter the ones that turn out to be drains or one sided - otherwise there would be no room for the new “radiator” friends to come into your life.

Yep. Decades ago now, I looked at the people I knew and decided i’d cut out anyone who made me feel worse rather than better. Soon, there were no ‘friends’ at all. I haven’t missed them.

Yes. I found out who my friends were when my son died.
It is a very painful way to learn, but now I know who I can trust and I am resigned to the knowledge that some people are no longer around for me.

I think the best approach is to treat everything with a bit of a light touch - low expectations, be independent, if someone is helpful that’s great but don’t expect it?

Social media and TV (think Sex and the City or Friends) can give us the impression we’re “weird” or out of the mainstream if we don’t have this loyal wonderful bunch of people do Do Things With.

So if we haven’t got a solid family background or a university/ childhood friendship group we think that “finding” this group will help us with emotional anxiety, identity, loneliness, life direction.

But groups can be fairly hierarchical and difficult and unaccepting - and tonnes of people are IN close groups and still struggle so it’s certainly not an emotional cure-all.

I remember being in what looked to outsiders like fairly close knit supportive friendship circles and tbh they were completely claustrophobic with lots of “users” in there.

The kind of person you meet as an adult who is “I’ll do ANYTHING for you” is often a codependent weird clingy nightmare?

It’s odd because I’m sure there were lots of people in primitive society (where if you weren’t part of the group you starved or died) who would’ve loved the independence modern life and technology gives us

but we still get attached to the idea that there will some accepting community or people that will make everything better? Cliche but self acceptance really is the only acceptance we need. If others join in that’s a bonus.

That’s a great post andromeda hadn’t thought of it like that. I loved sex and city and it prob gave me unrealistic expectations!

@Andromeda, you are right!

It's not just Sex and the City - every children's book ever written has a cast of BFF's, soulmates and close family, from Nesbit to Blyton to Rowling. It's all conveniently sized groups of four brothers/sisters/cousins all going out and having ripping adventures, or lonely odd girl meets soulmate friend who's just as odd as she is and together their oddity saves the world.

What you don't realise is that those groups are only in fours or twos or threes because that's the best number for a story. Real friendships, especially in adulthood, are nothing like this; if they were, they'd be suffocating and hard work.

Makes sense Chopin

I did and cut contact with my "best friend" around 9 years ago.Wed been friends for 15 years but she wasnt making an effort or showing an interest in my life.

Yep, I nearly died in an accident and in the almost two years since I've seen all but three close friends fade away.

I realised that for years I've been their shoulder to cry on, person to rely on, to borrow from, to get advice from and have a guaranteed laugh with. But i was also for years the one who maintained the relationship, checked in with them, made thoughtful gestures etc

When I didn't get "better" and back to myself right away (still haven't and coming to terms with brain injury) they didn't even bother to keep properly in touch. Even though I've stayed positive throughout and been careful not to lean on anyone very much or be a drag.

I'm not angry with them, what's the point, but I'm really disappointed and sad about it. My remaining friends are incredible and I love them so much but I often feel like a mug as regards the friends who disappeared.

One even chastised me for not being able to make it to a family event (not even a wedding or funeral) of theirs - I had explained I wouldn't be able to make it as I'd been having lots of seizures - she ignored me for ages and she actually said she wanted to meet up to tell me how disappointed she was in me for missing it so I could "see in Person how upset" I made her. I cried my eyes out on that phone call, had a fit shortly afterwards and I'll never forgive her.

Sorry you've been through similar OP - the whole quality over quantity thing is true but it still feels shit.

I think all of those reality TV shows “Housewives of xxxxx” show that the “friendships” of those groups are v fragile and toxic - they are always picking on one of the others or social climbing - it’s all “Queen bee and wannabes” which you also see in other social groups. I am much more selective, hyper vigilant and move on much more quickly from draining / toxic social situations nowadays.

Yes dropped one about 6 months ago.

Friends for around 5 years and after the 1st year I realised something was up. She’d been through a number of best friends and they’d all disappeared at some point.

It was only when she abandoned me for two days on holiday and went off with a bloke she’d known for an hour that I realised she didn’t give a shit about me. Everyone around her was just a bit part player in her life story.

Lo and behold she and a new best friend within 6 months. I’m so glad to be free from the constant drama she surrounded herself in.

Yup. I won't share my stories because they're very long winded but I've been there on several occasions. I think everyone has at some point.

I think as long as you are able to take a step back and see these friendships for what they really are, and then make a decision about how to move forward, then that's the best you can hope for. I don't think you can ever get to a point where you're never in this situation again, it's just about how quickly you realise it and then what you do about it.

I'm finding now I'm my 30's my friends have been filtered, so the ones left are the ones that I care about and they care about me.

I did make a few new friends when my dc started school, It's lovely as my child is disabled and we came together as parents of disabled children.

Will say thou, I have got rid of one of the school mums a few months back. She was in a crap relationship, they finished and the way she acted afterwards absolutely astounded me. I've never come across someone so hell bent on being in a new relationship and didn't give a shit about her kids happiness. It was very hard to watch and I tried so hard to talk to her. I woke up one day and realised for my own sanity that I needed to cut ties, she was so emotionally draining. Now a few months later I really can see how much she effected my mental health.

@AndromedaKmoght I’m taking your post and copying it to my notes as it’s an absolutely bang on assessment of friendship and our cause and effect on it.

@Hopefullynottheorangecreme I completely empathise with where you are, I’ve had a terrifically hard journey with this existential crisis over the past 4 years since having my friendships fall away after having DD.

I have a small handful of friends who I don't necessarily see often, but who I feel are more worthy of my time and love.

I learnt a few years back that the people I thought were my friends, were just people I knew.

Even when it's lonely and quiet, it's better to have no one than to have people who aren't what they ought to be.

Absolutely. As time went on I pretty much walked away from 99% of friendships because I was the only one making the effort and some I could see were only gravitating to people they could use for something. One friend had a bunch of friends who could do services for her like make cakes for her kids birthdays, catering for other functions, etc.
I didn't have a service to offer she could use so I saw the distance forming. We now don't speak at all but she still has her group of service offering pals.

Others we just grew apart and for all the effort I made it was a waste of time. I'm happier without the feeling I should be contacting someone or planning things.

I was bullied in my primary years. I was in a ‘three’ in which I was used as a pawn, when the other two fell out, I was pulled between them both, when they were mates, I was excluded. I can remember this vividly still, 50 years on. I became a people pleaser, as I had got so used to being used. I’m not one for large groups of friends, and my friends tend not to know each other, that’s probably subconsciously thought out.

I am now doing meet-ups and have met some very nice people, one of whom I have become friendly with as she shares the same values. I guess I am very reluctant to form deeper friendships at my age (as much as I want to) for fear of rejection and behaviours I have dealt with in the past.

I would like a friend like me, but it would appear I tend to attract the superficial. I do have a few friends who are very genuine, but I have had real users over the years.

Real deep friendships are very hard to come by imo.