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Original poster

Husband and housework?!

56 replies

LooLoo26 · 14/07/2019 08:29

I'm just curious how you all split the housework/chores in your household?

Me and my husband don't have any children yet but we do have 2 dogs. My husband is out the house for work from 7am until 6pm and I'm out the house at work from 11.30am until 7.30pm as I walk our 2 dogs (high energy) before I go to work. He takes them out again when he gets home.

However... I do everything around the house, all the cleaning, washing, cooking, clearing out cupboards, food shopping, care for dogs (except him walking them in the evening) I make all appointments/arrangements for anything we do, I have to constantly remind him to pay something that needs paying or to contact someone for something we need etc etc.

When he is not at work he is playing his X box and says it's my job to do everything around the house because I work less even though that's a mutual decision for many reasons.

He is a lovely supportive husband in every other way and makes me very happy, we have a great relationship It's just currently I'm feeling the housework side of things is unfair and I'm not sure how to address it? When I make comments about it he just shrugs it off or makes me feel bad about bringing it up

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 14/07/2019 09:02

You think its unfair because it is. You're an unpaid housekeeper. He needs to step up and contribute equally to your lives together.

He's not lovely because he sees you doing everything and doesn't want to help make your home run well or be part of the process. He just wants to sit on his xbox whilst Mummy cleans up after him. It's lazy and shitty behaviour.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/07/2019 09:03

In those circumstances, if my husband worked less I’d expect him to use those hours on the house to make things equal. Anything that needed doing over that it would be split equally.

How much extra over the fifteen hours difference doesn’t it actually take? I don’t spend that long on the house each week and there are more of us.

hadthesnip2 · 14/07/2019 09:09

You could just do your "share" and leave the rest to him. Dont do his washing or ironing. He'll soon wonder where a clean shirt is. You can then point to the laundry basket & the washing machine & tell him to crack on.

If you facilitate his laziness he wont know any difference.

Zaphodsotherhead · 14/07/2019 09:15

says it's my job to do everything around the house because I work less even though that's a mutual decision for many reasons.

Then he's not lovely and supportive, is he? He shuts down any discussion that doesn't benefit him directly. Of course it's not your job to do EVERYTHING around the house, even if you only worked for two hours a week, he's still the one making half the mess.

If he lived alone he'd have to do 100% of the cleaning up. Would he be open to negotiation - as you're home more often, you will do more of the cooking, for example?

7yo7yo · 14/07/2019 09:16

Lovely and supportive???
Tell him your going back to work full time and he’ll need to step up!

madcatladyforever · 14/07/2019 09:21

It isn't fair, you are not his personal maid. Why do men think this is ok?
Both my marriages split up because I was responsible for EVERYTHING.
My second husband suggested I go part time at work so I could keep on top of the housework, gardening and paperwork - while he sat there looking at fetish sites on his laptop.
I'm sure you can guess how that one ended.
Your husband needs to step up and be a modern man, he has run out of excuses.

madcatladyforever · 14/07/2019 09:23

And...sorry for double post, how is he lovely and supportive? You are doing everything. He doesn't want to lose his maid I guess.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 14/07/2019 09:24

He is a lovely supportive husband in every other way

Apart from all the cleaning, washing, cooking, clearing out cupboards, food shopping, care for dogs (except him walking them in the evening) I make all appointments/arrangements for anything we do, I have to constantly remind him to pay something that needs paying or to contact someone for something we need etc etc.

What is he supportive of? Sounds like the only thing he supports is the weight of his xbox controller.

ComeTheFuck0nBridget · 14/07/2019 09:26

I feel for you OP. My DH is a workaholic and works about 80 hours per week, I work full time 40 hours. It falls on me to do everything in the house, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. I still work full time! As do you. I understand my husband is tired and works a lot more and brings significantly more money into the home than I do. But that doesn't mean it isn't shit having to do all the housework on my own all the time.

Parker231 · 14/07/2019 09:27

And how is he a loving and supportive husband? If he wants a clean house, the laundry done and food in the cupboards, he’d better get himself organised. Why have you enabled him to act like this?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 14/07/2019 09:27

Stop doing it. Just stop. Just do your own things. Your own washing, your own cooking, your own bills, do an hours cleaning a week and then stop. He can then see how much he doesn’t do when it all piles up.

Suspect you won’t do that though.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 14/07/2019 09:28

Whatever you do, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM

You’ve had fair warning what he is like.

Greenkit · 14/07/2019 09:36

He is a lovely supportive husband in every other way

You know what this boils my piss, no he isn't.

He basically off loads all the work on you, because he does a few extra hours a day, well boo hoo.

Stop cooking for him, washing his clothes or cleaning up his mess.

You need to sit down and fairly divide the chores, perhaps you put on the washing in the morning and he hangs it out/puts it in the tumble when he gets home.

He could cook for you on the evenings and leave you a meal for when you get back, you could cook weekends.

A marriage/relationship is equal in all things, not just stuff which suits him.

TomPinch · 14/07/2019 09:43

Does all the things you do take 3 or more hours a day?

TheABC · 14/07/2019 09:43

Don't have kids with this guy. You will just end up doing everything then and it's a LOT more work.

You can choose not to cook, clean and care for the house. He is not your boss. Sit down and explain this. Draw up a list and stick it to the fridge with a fair division. Then only do your part (and make sure it's only the bits that impact you). So an equal split of cooking, for example. Have a ready meal hidden for yourself, the first few times. Just do your own washing and ironing. The same applies to wifework - he now sorts out his side of the family (make this clear to them!). Ditto paying for stuff if it does not impact you.

Withdraw labour.

user1493413286 · 14/07/2019 09:49

i think there is an argument to say that you’ve got extra time to do more; if I’m honest then if my DH had 3 hours more a day than I did I would expect him to go a little more but not everything. He does need to do some stuff though so tell him what’s his job and leave him to it; if suggest something like his washing that only effects him if he doesn’t do it

TomPinch · 14/07/2019 09:51

So what are the many reasons for the mutual decision that he should spend more hours than you doing paid work?

BuildBuildings · 14/07/2019 09:53

How many hours do you each do per week? It doesn't sound like there's a huge difference? If he's not doing anything at home he's probably got no idea how long it all takes. It really doesn't sound fair that you do everything and he does nothing. But it's a sweet deal for his so he's unlikely to want to change!

TheABC · 14/07/2019 09:59

I have just looked at your workdays again. Does it include the commute for you both? Because it reads to me like you have an eight hour workday close to home and he has an eight hour workday plus commute. I am less than sympathetic as I used to do an 11 hour day, pull my fair share of chores and look after a child with my partner. I used to do the admin and order online shopping in my lunch hour.

TomPinch · 14/07/2019 09:59

Assuming the Op and her DH are working 5 days a week each, she has 15 more hours.

What do each of you do for a living? How tired are each of you once you get home?

LemonTT · 14/07/2019 10:04

He should do more but what seem relevant here is how you both “agreed” to this situation. In the post you say you both “agreed” you would work less hours. Plus there is an implication that he at least thinks this is to give you time to do housework. Was this your understanding too?

As one poster said you have 3 hours a day extra at home which is about 15 hours per week. What is this time for if you don’t have children. It’s quite awkward time as it doesn’t give you long enough to do much unless you are very organised.

I would never agree to forgo a salary to do housework. I’d rather pay a cleaner and to be honest you would be quids in if you both did this.

Life administration is down to the individual and you should both manage your individual affairs. If he forgets he will have to deal with the consequence. Household administration can be split. These days with everything online it’s not that difficult.

TomPinch · 14/07/2019 10:08

By God, the things I could do with an extra 3 hours a day.

Zaphodsotherhead · 14/07/2019 10:11

How tired are each of you once you get home?

He will be the most tired. I guarantee it.

PixiKitKat · 14/07/2019 10:14

Does he pay more bills that you or are you paying 50/50?
He needs to pull his weight. It might work that you keep things going over the week and he tackles some weekly jobs like hoovering, changing bed, washing?
Tbh though I'd just stop doing it all and see if he notices that he needs to do it too. It's his choice to work long hours, you work full time, you shouldn't be expected to do all the housework too

Somersetlady · 14/07/2019 10:15

Make a list of chores and then divide the list up as to who does what?

Surely it’s not that hard?

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