Domestic incident social services follow up

[Westway16]

Can someone help me. I'm at my wits end. Iv secretly been seeing a guy for a short time now. My family knew of him at the start then made me finish with him as they just didn't like the sound of his past. I have a daughter and she's 10. Since I have been seeing him she has not been aware of this and has not been in contact with him. He has a child of his own who is in foster care. There is an ongoing case between him and the mother as their baby was hurt when it was born. I believed that he did not harm this baby but because social services involved I told him I didn't want him around my child until they got to the bottom of this case. He did something completely out of the blue yesterday evening. My daughter was at her grandmothers and he had been drinking. While I was asleep he took my company car without license and insurance and under the influence and was stopped by the police! The car was returned to me ok and he was taken into custody. Later that day when he was released he contacted me and I told him this had to end between us. He had broken the trust taking my car and I couldn't risk anything like this in the future. Last night he then showed up at my home calling and texting continuously, my daughter fast asleep, I panicked and called the police to get him to leave. They told me they would have to forward to gateway social services and now I'm worrying they will get involved in my child's life. Baring in mind she is oblivious to the relationship me and him were having but with his own son currently in care what is going to happen?? I feel like now I need to own up and tell family. Such a mess and I just don't want to see him ever again. Please help me.

I think you need to do some work around relationships and safety. Him stealing your car and driving it while drunk was a red flag, whilst him being a suspected perpetrator of physical harm to a newborn baby, a newborn baby! was not? Come on.

I can't imagine SS will be overly concerned if they are satisfied that you have really put this piece of shit behind you, but you need to be honest with your family and listen to them. They want the best for you and your daughter, and you sound extremely naive.

It's fine. You will be fine. Your daughter will be fine. You can already demonstrate that you have safeguarded your child against this man by keeping her away from him, ending the relationship when you did and calling the police when he turned up on your doorstep.

They are obliged to raise a safeguarding alert with the LA when they are called to a domestic incident at a house where a child is living.

If he has a child already in FC, he will already be known to the LA and will already be on their database.

Seriously, from what you have said it will be fine. All they want to do is make sure your child is safe from this man and support you in keeping her so if necessary.

Yes, you have been a little naive but that's not a great crime in itself if you have responded appropriately when a concern arose.

No, you didn't respond appropriately when a concern arose, because that would have meant having nothing to do with a man who quite probably harmed a newborn baby.

You need to be honest with them.

You believed he didnt hurt his baby, but to be cautious you didnt allow a new boyfriend around your daughter while you didnt know him that well and only saw him when your daughter wasnt there.

And that NOW you womt be seeing him at all and calling the police if he turns up at your house.

Which you need to stick to. If you start seeing him again and this happens again, which it will, they will be concerned that you cant make good decisions.

If his baby was hurt, it just have been really quite serious to remove the baby. Or for them to even know. Babies can't tell a teacher their dad slapped their bum. So the baby must have needed medical treatment and there must be enough concern to remove the child completely.

I don't believe that people always have to do what their family tells them. But on this occasion, you should have listened to your family.

I would also speak to the police about using Clarw law and even Sarah's law. As they will tell you, not exactly what he has done, but wether they consider him a danger.

Show SS that you kept him away from your dd. He wasnt invited that night and dont ever see or speak to him again. If you even speak to him, you are in danger of hom convincing you to give him another chance.

Nothing will happen to you and your daughter if you take steps to keep this man away from her.
But what on EARTH were you thinking? You were incredibly foolish to get involved with a man in that situation in the first place. As you now see, abusive men don't save their abusive behaviour for when your child isn't around

Mrs

Having worked in child protection and having had to restrict contact between my children and a family member due Tina safeguarding concern and as someone who has had a safeguarding role professionally for many years, I can tell you it is not always that simple.

People are naturally inclined to think the best of other people. It's very difficult to believe that someone you like and who is good to you is capable of of hurting someone. It's a huge cognitive dissonance. It can take people, who haven't already had experience of it, a while to process it.

The op was willing to give this man the benefit of the doubt, as adult company for her, whilst protecting her daughter from him. As soon as she realised the situation wasnt acceptable to her, she ended it.

You might have made a difference choice but this is the one she felt was right for her. She doesn't need berating for that choice now.

To a not tina

Thank you for all your responses. I am am very naive at times suppose I always want to give someone the benefit of the doubt. His child is going through the process of being adopted by his brother as there's not enough evidence to confirm what exactly happened to the wee one but I thought it positive it was staying in his family as all I'm told about the mother is all very negative. I will await them contacting me regarding this and I think I will have to own up to family I know they are only looking the best for me sometimes love is blind. But just praying a call or visit us all it will be I don't want them opening cases I have been brought up in a good family and have never had social services involved in my life at all xx

I am a SW and from what you have said you have taken steps to protect your own child. Plus you do not plan to maintain your relationship with this man any further. SW don't need to make extra work for themselves. They will probably not need to go beyond having a chat with your about it all so they can be reassured your child is safe. The rest of your family need not know unless you wish to tell them.

You dont need to tell your family unless you feel that you need their support.

Honestly, this is nothing to he scared of. They just want to check that your daughter is ok and that you are not vulnerable and that you can continue to safeguard her.

If the child is being adopted there is clear evidence the child was hurt in both the parents care.

They dont just put children up for adoption over nothing.

His brother mat adopting the child, because he is suitable. That means fuck all regarding this scumbag.

Dp has 4 siblings, the eldest is lovely woman and extremely successful. The next sibking is a heroin addict who had 2 children removed. Me and dp are just normal as is, his youngest sibling.

The eldest adopted both the heroin addicts children. Dp and the youngest were too young at the time.

Just because this man you were getting to know is a child abusing scumbag, doesnt mean his brother is or that the whole family is. It's also likely that brother has to keep the child away from its biological father.

I take it the child is in the care of the brother now?

And lets be honest, you have mo idea if any of that is true. .
What you do know is that this man is such a poor parent and potential abuser, that he isnt allowed to care for his child.

The child was removed from both mother and father. Why would you believe awful things said about the mother, by the other parent in this shit show? Surely what he says is applicable to himself too

I’m confused about why you would be in a relationship with someone whose child was hurt badly enough to be in foster care. What’s the basis for thinking he didn’t do it? That he said so? I would have stayed clear until it was found how it’d happened. If a child is put in foster care it’s generally that a parent did it and the other knew so neither can be considered to keep a child safe.
To answer your question though if you continue this relationship it’s likely social services will stay involved; they won’t care he’s not seeing your daughter at the moment, he’s still involved in her life by being with you.

Garak having been a family solicitor for 25 years, with a specialism in domestic abuse, I can tell you that I disagree profoundly with your approach.

As I say, I doubt SS will be concerned once satisfied with OP's assurance that this guy is history, they have too much to do as it is, but if OP were my client, we would be having some very frank discussions about what she needs to do to ensure she doesn't start to qualify for frequent flyer points.

Because if OP learns nothing from this but that it all turned out OK by luck, then she'll be back with the same shit with a different guy.

That's not berating her, it's helping her understand what very very skewed thinking she has demonstrated.

Thank you for your responses and the reassuring ones... it is definitely over between the two of us. I suppose I a man the type of person that always wants to see the good in people but that's not always a good thing. I've made a mistake I know we all do we aren't only human. I have kept dating him private and protected my daughter she is well cared for. I confide in my best friend and I think I will keep it on the down low until I have to potentially speak to family. I don't want to upset any more people I will just cope with this stress alone :(

I agree with MrsBertBibby. Westway what on earth are your employers going to say?

You have told your employer, havent you?

Why should OP tell her employers? The car was unharmed, I believe.

Police informed car unharmed and they would not be speaking to my employer. Also I am not the type who skips from one guy to the next. I have been single years and years. It started of like a friendship with this guy then we started dating it was never a serious relationship it was casual. He never did anything to me or my personal items or property before the incident with car. Then I cut all ties.

Because if OP learns nothing from this but that it all turned out OK by luck, then she'll be back with the same shit with a different guy

Yes but it's clear from her posts she is terrified at the outcome of this. She reacted decisively when she realised and isn't trying to excuse him in any way. She made a poor judgement call. That's all.

She doesn't sound to me that she'd be likely to make the same mistake twice!

Windy and Protein why on earth would she need to tell her employer??

Ah the car!

I think bearing in mind you can’t turn back time and not get involved with him you’ve behaved exactly as SS would expect- not introduced your daughter, broken off the relationship and called the police at the first sign of trouble. Bet they wish all their clients were as sensible

What MrsBertBibby said.

OP you can’t afford to always see the good in men you are dating, because you are single mum and you are vulnerable.

Especially men who have had a child removed by social services and have a history of domestic violence. Or who get so drunk when they stay over at yours that they steal your car . You are lucky that you didn’t lose your job over this as this man was a guest in your home.

Giving people ( ie men you are attracted to and want to date ) the benefit of the doubt is a luxury you can’t afford. You need to stop seeing this as a character trait that shows what a good and kind person you are and see it as a sign of your naivety and gullibility. Because as a single mum you need to put your child first which means looking after yourself and your own welfare.

No more dodgy guys, however plausible they sound. Be very careful before you let them know where you live, let alone stay over. Take it very slowly so you get to know them. Become familiar with red flags. Post here on MN and people will advise you.

I realise I will get slated for this advice, as it’s not very popular. But you need to be smart and learn from this experience.

Because he was arrested. And they are the owners of the car, there a good chance (if this goes further) her employer will find out.

Her telling them that her boyfriend took the keys from the house, but car is unharmed is far better than them finding out the car was stolen and returned to OP then finding out she didmt tell them because it was man she was seeing.

Most companies have a long list of terms and conditions relating to a company car. Which usually would include having to tell them this, even if the car isnt harmed.

why on earth would she need to tell her employer??

Because, as the cars owner there is chance they will find out. Loads better for OP to be upfront about it.