BPD mother has attempted suicide

[LemonFritz]

This time suicide was aimed at my brother and I didn’t get any warning messages/ abuse preceding attempt.

This is the first time in my adult life that she has been unwell enough to be admitted to hospital following attempt.

My personal management of threats is to not indulge and call the police. My best friend killed herself two years ago and I told my mum very forcefully to not use suicide as a weapon towards me.

I don’t know what to do next. I do not want to indulge her with attention and emotional outpourings and want to maintain the boundaries I have been building over the past two years.

How much do I contact/ visit her? I typically see her once per week.

I worked with PD previously and the advice is still not to respond, as the research shows that this will just result in further episodes.

On a personal level, I am not emotionally resilient enough not to get sucked into the drama vortex, so I can’t maintain relationship with personality disordered individuals. It’s too harmful to my own emotional wellbeing.

You have to carry on and show little to no interest in her suicide attempt. As you well know, anything more than that will have the whole thing being repeated and escalated.

Is she still in hospital? Personally I would wait until she is home again and then resume the once a week visits. If she mentions the suicide or hospital etc, just smile blandly and change the subject.

She NEEDS to feel that you are not affected at all by her behaviour. It is the only thing that will give her any feeling of security or stability.

I am really so sorry that you are having to deal with this with your own mother.

I agree with PPs. If you're concerned for her welfare, you need to call the police. It's the only way you can truly support her in a helpful way.

Sorry you're going through this

She’s in ITU and intubated under sedation. I spoke with the consultant over the phone - she is most likely to be fine.

Thank you for all the advice. I’m not sure how to manage hospital visits/ leaving hospital. I don’t want to give lots of attention but also don’t want to be heartless.

I was thinking of visiting tomorrow whilst she is still unconscious (I have a day off) and then going to work as usual Thursday when she is likely to be awake.

Then I know I’ve visited but I have offered no attention?

Do what you feel is best Lemon, I’m sorry you’re going through this

I have very strong feelings about suicide and feel that anyone who is serious about it or attempts it should be taken seriously and get the help they need. Usually suicide attempts are a cry for help. It's not always about being selfish or to get back at someone. You kind of have to be there to truly understand what being in that position is like.

So give her attention, don't give her attention, whatever. As long as she is somewhere she can get the help she needs is the most important thing. Turning your back on someone in this sort of crisis is pretty low IMO. The fact you are worried about visiting because it's giving attention!?... Hope she gets the help she needs from people who want her to get well.

Just further to my post:

TooManyPuppies - I hear what you are saying and I would give anything to support my best friend who passed away. I fully appreciate that help is needed and that suicide is serious.

My mother is more tricky, I have been emotionally and physically abused for 30 years and have to protect myself and my children whilst also supporting her. All of her family have gone NC.

Thank you for your perspective. The guilt associated with my mother’s attempts at suicide already haunts me. Frankly, I cannot make her better or happy.

She left an abuse filled letter.

Oh op we have a family member who does this. She has lied about suicide attempts so many times, I had a heart rending letter off a former friend of hers apologising because she honestly thought she'd almost died. She hadn't done anything, other than spread all over.social media that her friends abuse of her almost caused her death (( friend had refused to fall out with her own daughter over a row she'd had with someone else. Which is just ridiculous ))

The result being those.in contact with her top toe around her because if anyone dare spark one of her outbursts they could be next. And there's also the risk that she may actually do it one day. And they'd have to carry that guilt.

Personally i can't be fucked with it all and keep extremely low contact. And refuse to engage.in arguments and mind games. As a result I seem to have constructed a grudging respect from her. Which is odd.

@TooManyPuppies you dont know what you are talking about. This is suicide gesturing in the context of borderline personality disorder aka emotionally unstable personality disorder. Acknowledging the gesture is literally the most dangerous thing you can do for folk who are suffering with this disorder. Its imperative not to "feed the beast" by giving attention in this kind of context. The more attention ops mother is given, the more she's going to attempt.

@LemonFritz my heart goes out to you. I wouldn't visit even if shes unconscious, she may hear of it from the nurses etc. Wishing you the best. Very hard situation.

rvby, I'd agree with you. As you say, it's important to understand the nature of BPD, and not to make things worse. It's appropriate to involve the police/medics, but not to contribute to the emotional drama.

BPD is harder to deal with. Do you have anyone you can talk to at the hospital from her psych team that would be able to tell you how to best handle this? I understand need to keep boundaries, but also wanting to support, and understand that people with BPD can escalate behaviours quite quickly. I hope your mum is ok and that you are too xxx

I have been in your position and have been left with no choice but to go NC. My father is an abuser and no doubt suffers from an undiagnosed personality disorder. He uses suicide attempts as coercive control. He made me witness him taking an overdose when I was 17, and he ended up sectioned, he then exploited this trauma he put me through by threatening/attempting suicide for the best part of 20 years, whenever he wanted something from me (usually he would want me to enable his painkiller addiction in some way).

Eventually the suicidal control tactics started to be demonstrated in front of my children, plus I had a nervous breakdown. I was implored by all the medical people around me to cut contact for my own health and that of my children. I realised that my children were watching and picking up on all of this - Grandad threatens suicide and mum does whatever he says. I couldn’t bear for my children to find this normal.

It is not ‘low’ to protect yourself and children from destructive behaviour.

I really appreciate all of your perspectives. Although I know the nature of BPD and the reason I am having this discussion, the post which implied I didn’t care about her or suicide was heartbreaking. Especially in the content of my best friend who was essentially my sister and completed suicide in such tragic and awful circumstances.

Suicide is massively triggering for me on many levels and I don’t feel like I am thinking clearly. Thank you all.

Hi,

I 110% understand where you are coming from. My mum has BPD....this sort of behaviour was very prevalent in my teens and early 20s. Sometimes its so hard for people to understand why I appear so blasé about my mum and her behaviour etc but I learned in my early 20s that it was the best way to handle her.

Like you, I have been subjected to YEARS of emotional abuse and witnessing her attempts at self destruction.... Whether that's suicide, alcohol, drugs etc. Its hard and takes its toll mentally. I am her only family and an only child so the only person this gets directed to.

You have no idea how nice it is to read a post from someone else in a similar position!

puppies this Hope she gets the help she needs from people who want her to get well.. Is a perfect example of the controlling, manipulative rubbish that the OP and pp have mentioned. Stop it.

I was diagnosed with BPD last year. Its so nice to read the contempt for people like myself. Turns out im a cunt after all then. I have never attempt med suicide. I spend my life in fear of illness and losing loved ones.

Sounds like a visit to your brother (unless he’s also a manipulative BPD abuser) might be a better use of your time.

Are you sure it's just gesturing? People with BPD are statistically quite likely to actually commit suicide, about 50 times the general population.

@TheoriginalLEM - I can understand why you take it that way, and the comments can be seen to be very negative. However some people's experience with BPD can be and is negative- doesn't mean that is all the person with BPD is, or that all people with BPD are. When you're dieting with someone who tries to manipulate family and will escalate if not given the reaction they want, and escalate if given the reaction, it can be hard sometimes. I definitely don't say that everyone with BPD does this, but some do.

theoriginalLEM you know they’re talking about Borderline Personality Disorder, not bi-polar don’t you?
It’s the diseases and the awful things that happen because of them that are hated, not the people who suffer from them, please don’t feel you’re being accused of anything here.