BPD mother has attempted suicide

[LemonFritz]

This time suicide was aimed at my brother and I didn’t get any warning messages/ abuse preceding attempt.

This is the first time in my adult life that she has been unwell enough to be admitted to hospital following attempt.

My personal management of threats is to not indulge and call the police. My best friend killed herself two years ago and I told my mum very forcefully to not use suicide as a weapon towards me.

I don’t know what to do next. I do not want to indulge her with attention and emotional outpourings and want to maintain the boundaries I have been building over the past two years.

How much do I contact/ visit her? I typically see her once per week.

OP, I am sorry about your best friend but, as someone who has battled with the diagnosis of BPD who thankfully was diagnosed with something else two years ago, I find the term "suicide gesturing" as extremely distasteful.

Your mother is mentally ill. She needs help, not condemnation from a bunch of strangers of the internet.

I have received a diagnosis of BPD. Unfortunately when things are difficult I can see there is a difficult balance to be found when giving support and attention, too much does seem to feed my difficult behaviours but equally not enough attention will make me feel ignored and potentially escalate behaviours to try and have somebody reach out.

I can understand why you might not feel able to visit your mother in hospital, I would maybe acknowledge her hospital stay by at least sending a get well card/ flowers but maybe don’t give any reference to why she’s there or acknowledge the attempt on her life.

I’m sorry that this has happened and it must be really hard for you, but please remember it is not your mothers fault and it must be really hard for her to be dealing with these extremes of behaviour and to feel the only way to deal with what she is feeling towards another person is to make a suicide gesture. I know that doesn’t make it any less hard on you and it sounds like you are really trying to support your mother whilst also managing your own mental wellbeing.

I hope that following this the mental health team at the hospital are able to put in place the help she needs. I would also be finding out if there is any support available locally for family members as it sounds like yhis must be really hard for you and your brother.

Thank you all.

I gave all of myself and was personally consumed and unwell for years meeting my mum’s needs. I don’t personally find the posts explaining to me that it is mental health very helpful. I am so aware and suffer a great deal of guilt. I really do try my best but I cannot make her better. Meeting all of her emotional needs made her more unwell. After years of being in a dysfunctional relationship I need help to see clearly, hence my original post.

I have another close friend with BPD who is entirely different. Not all people are the same and I used the descriptor of BPD for my mum to avoid long explanations. The use of labels is not helpful as it seems to stereotype and paint all individuals with the same brush.

To those with BPD reading this thread - you are amazing. To cope with the challenges you face commands my deepest respect and empathy. You are incredible and I deeply love those with and without BPD in my life. The diagnosis is not the person.

I love my mother and am devastated. I have very complex feelings due to being raised by an abusive, alcoholic, mentally unwell, single parent. I ALWAYS defend my mum by saying she did the best that she could and am not trying to victimise those with BPD.

I am in shock and grieving. Complex inexplicable feelings rise when in a heightened state of emotions. It’s okay for me to express them. I am not attacking anyone and do not wish to be attacked.

I am struggling, be kind.
Sending love to all.

You’re being so kind and understanding to others, it’s such a kick in the teeth when people who don’t understand think you’re not ‘stepping up’. Just keep up those boundaries, and remind yourself why they’re there, and that it’s your right to have them x

@lemonfritz
I can feel your frustration. I am sorry for my defensive reaction. Is it possible for you to get support for your own trauma?

I have always said to my friends that they need to maintain boundaries for there own sanity in relation to my own mental health issues. Your mum is lucky to have someone who has tried her best.

Take care of yourself.

Do what you feel appropriate op, and look after yourself

OP my heart goes out to you. This is really tough.

I think it's important to remember though that people with PD do complete suicide, and the rates if completed suicide is relatively high. This may be parasuicidal behaviour but it's going to be very serious if she is in ITU and intubated. People with PD do experience tremendous emotional pain and anguish, hard as their behaviour can be to respond to. It's so important to remember that.

Lots of people present daily to A&E with ODs that do not require trestment (or oy need an IV/brief monitoring) with intention of secondary gain. This sounds quite different.

Your position in this OP is up to you. It's not unreasonable to distance yourself and keep/reinforce your boundaries for the sake of self-care, but please for your own sake don't dismiss the risk your mother has put herself in as simply gesturing.

My points about PD was more aimed at other posters. I was shocked at the advice to ignore the attempt.

Your mother is mentally ill. She needs help, not condemnation from a bunch of strangers of the internet.

EXACTLY!!!

I was shocked at the advice to ignore the attempt.

AGREE..

Suicide, as someone who struggles daily with it and have done for years and know know people close to me who have attempted and some succeeded, is a very serious thing and is quite a sensitive topic.... I am baffled by some responses especially one directed at me that I "don't know what I'm talking about" (seriously fuck you anyway possible to THAT poster)

Bowing out of this thread now, some replies are heartless, some just plain stupid... Good to see some replied in a caring nature.

Good luck OP (my reply was not directed at you, but some of the poor replies by so called "humans").

I am not choosing to ignore the attempt. I am trying to toe the line - how to support her without it being more detrimental to her health and leading to more self damaging behaviour. I hope that makes sense.

I should probably state that I am a medical professional. It does not make it any easier when it is your mum.

So very sorry that you are going through this with your mum 💐

OP that's totally fair. I was shocked at other PPs confidently stating ignoring is the only way. This is an impossible thing to respond to and you really have my sympathy.

@TooManyPuppies you've cherrypicked my post a bit there. Suicidal behaviour can also be for secondary gain, and it can be counterproductive to remove all responsibility from the person.

My mother, father and brother all had/have PD’s and I know how hard it is to see the wood for the trees with suicide threats & attempts. I know how you get so physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted that you just wish they would do it and then quake in fear in case they do. I have had this hanging over me for my entire lifetime and I am 47 tomorrow. Now that my parents are dead (unrelated to their MH) I have had to pass on all responsibility for my brother to his wife. (They met in rehab, so it may not end well...) I have three kids, a marriage and my own MH to protect, but more to the point, now that our mother is dead, I am NOT becoming Mum#2 for him!
My point being - you need to work out right now what boundaries you need to establish now for your own well-being, knowing that your mother is not going to get better. She will always have BPD. There is nothing that will change that (for now.)

I think the thing to remember is to take advice from the airlines.

In case of emergency, attend to your own needs first.

If this is hurting you, and the knock on affect is that it hurts your children- then if NC is the way to go, do that.

Or take a break from it for a few months until you are stronger.

Look after yourself now, your mum is in hospital, getting the help she needs from people who are trained and equipped to help her.

You look after yourself

I feel like there’s a lot of judgement on both sides here, over something that is so difficult and personal and painful. I still love my dad, even though I’m NC with him. He has an undiagnosed PD, most likely BPD as he is clearly terrified of people leaving. His own dad was horrifically violent and committed suicide in the end. My dad had an awful, painful childhood and I cry for him.

I’ve watched my dad’s domestic violence to two different women (inc my mum) to rule them with fear so they don’t leave, various suicide attempts including making me witness it as a teen so I wouldn’t leave. I’ve lived through him terrorising us, I’ve lived through him fearing his 65 year old neighbour was not going to be his friend anymore so he was trying to engineer this man to babysit my little daughter to ‘keep him happy’. He has told vile lies (sexual) about my mum in the hope I will like him more than I like her.

He has a very deep and dark sickness in his head. It’s not his fault. I love him very much but he will not seek help. There has been no choice but to go NC, because my main priority has to be the DC and my marriage.

I know I will never feel peace, just as he never will. I would love to know what it’s like to feel at peace, for just one day. I’ve lived in fear since childhood. The fear hasn’t gone away, but now that I no longer witness abuse and trauma my auto-immune diseases are improving. I want peace for him, too.

NC, or any other boundary setting is not about being a nasty person and punishing them, it can be about self preservation, and breaking the cycle.

Suicide, as someone who struggles daily with it and have done for years and know know people close to me who have attempted and some succeeded, is a very serious thing and is quite a sensitive topic.... I am baffled by some responses especially one directed at me that I "don't know what I'm talking about" (seriously fuck you anyway possible to THAT poster)

@TooManyPuppies Can I suggest that you read up about BPD before 'diagnosing' posters on here as heartless and all the other blah you have pinned on them? In your breathtaking ignorance and assumptions you have been extremely rude and actually offensive.

BPD is one of the HARDEST mental illnesses to cope with, both as a sufferer and particularly for those who try to support sufferers. And speaking personally as someone in exactly that position as a supporter, the HARDEST aspect is having to constantly act against ones instincts to try to behave in a caring and sympathetic manner when one would naturally and normally do so, because it can cause extreme HARM to the sufferer.

People who deal with BPD friends and relatives cannot indulge in behaving in a normal, caring manner because to do so would be detrimental to the BPD person. It would cause damage and distress to the BPD sufferer.

Being accused of being heartless by someone who cannot apparently take 5 minutes to google is just adding to their burden. Thanks for that.

Could people explain what BPD behaviours are like?

What do they do, what are they like to live with?

This is a very sad thread.

I can understand that you relationship with your mum must be very complicated and fractured OP but you Mum ended up in ITU, so whatever her intention was, she has harmed herself seriously.

Any attempt at suicide is an indicator of severe distress. People with EUPD often experience high levels of distress without the skills to manage their emotions and reactions. Relationships can be difficult and they are often acutely sensitive to any perceived rejection or negativity from others.

It's a horrid condition to live with, the stigma attached is huge and most often it is linked to trauma or abuse in childhood. It's also not easy for those who have someone close to them with the condition and the emotional cost can be very high.

People with EUPD are a very high risk group for successful suicide though, this should never be forgotten and their attempts should never be dismissed as cries for help or attention seeking.

I hope your mum makes a full recovery Op and you are able to protect yourself and support your mum as much as you are able💐

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/#.XSY9QyXTUlQ

@TooManyPuppies please remember this thread isn't about you. Suicide attempts are often used as a weapon by people with BPD and those of us on the receiving end of such extreme manipulation are scarred by it. Maintaining some distance is necessary to avoid encouraging the behaviour as well as to protect our own sanity.

TitianaTitsling puppies this Hope she gets the help she needs from people who want her to get well.. Is a perfect example of the controlling, manipulative rubbish that the OP and pp have mentioned. Stop it.

Seriously, how fucking dare you come out with such vile comments. After a lifetime battle with my emotions and constantly being told by any health care professional that would listen, that it was ‘just your hormones’, I FINALLY got a diagnosis of BPD at the age of 30.

My entire life I have struggled to maintain friendships, relationships and family relations. I didn’t understand why. My moods change at the flick of a switch for no reason. Sometimes there’s a trigger. Sometimes there’s no trigger at all. I can leave a room happy and literally a minute later enter back in and be absolutely full of anger and rage. The part about it that I find hardest though is my inability to deal with distress. It’s crippling.

I’ve spent my life forming relationships and losing those people because my fear of abandonment has pushed them away. I’ve never been able to explain my feelings and emotions because I couldn’t understand them myself. Not even so-called psychiatrists could explain until I was finally admitted to hospital for observation for 2 weeks.

How dare you tar all BPD sufferers with the same brush. I’m not ‘controlling’ or ‘manipulative’. I struggle with my emotional regulation. I haven’t attempted suicide but have certainly felt suicidal. Someone with BPD feels such intense emotions that the only escape is sleep or death (in my case thoughts of). Others chose alcohol or drugs. I have two young children and didn’t know about my diagnosis until they were born.

Reading up on BPD, I’ve found few supportive words from anywhere. I’ve even read that mums with BPD cant empathise, so when they ask their child how their day was, apparently we don’t wctually care what the answer is, just that we know we need to ask it. It’s bollocks. An independent psychiatrist after my diagnosis even said ‘you can’t have BPD because you’re a good mum’. If health care professionals have that opinion then what hope is there for people like me?

Most of what I read consists of adult children hating their mothers due to years of abuse. Not once have I physically or emotionally abused my children. Thanks to a supportive family, I am able to hide any relapse in my mental health. Although for how much longer I can do that I don’t know, as my son is becoming more aware.

The NHS offer nothing in my area to help. At least not unless you’re in and out of hospital for years. DBT is the ideal treatment but not even that is available privately in my area. Not even with a couple of hours drive. What hope is there? I feel like it’s a fight against time to get help so that I don’t ruin my family (after all that’s what everyone seems to say I’ll do).

Coming across threads like this with such apparent contempt from so many people sends me into a spiralling depression. I just lose all hope and wonder whether the world would be a better place without me here. I’m not a bad person but reading the general opinion of people regarding BPD makes me think I must be evil. It’s only the SUPPORT from loved ones that reminds me why I struggle on every day.

I do all I can to keep well for my family and I love them so much.
I’m fighting every day to stay well for my family but reading bollocks as quoted above just makes me wish I even more that I wasn’t here.

For those who need educating on this-
www.yourhealthinmind.org/mental-illnesses-disorders/bpd

I can absolutely guarantee that if I hadnt had the support and understanding from my loved ones then I wouldn’t be here today. The people who think they know it all because they support a BPD sufferer- think again. You could be doing more harm than good. We don’t all follow the same rule book. BPD is a mental illness, just like any other and we aren’t all carbon copies of each other. Be kind and less judgmental. Please.

Doyouthinktheysaurus thank you for that post. It shows that there are people out there who understand the condition

TooManyPuppies why on earth would you come onto a thread where someone is obviously distressed and wilfully ignore everything they've said and just start thrashing about being mean to people?

OP, seriously, I would go NC. I appreciate that's easier said than done though. You don't need ton care what other people think of you. They haven't walked in your shoes.

alvinp what you need to remember though is that a lot of the behaviours of someone with BPD is in response to extreme distress. Unless you’ve experienced it, then you’ve no right to judge. The manipulation you allude to is in response to extreme emotional distress that the sufferer is unable to tolerate. They do what they can to survive. Rightly or wrongly it’s a fight or flight response. It’s hideous and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.