Money

[Pomo81]

Would it bother you if your dh paid for stuff for a woman he works with? Not talking anything major, a coffee, chocolate etc but when he doesn't do that for anyone else, just her even though she apparently offers him the money

Depends what capacity they work together. My boss regularly buys our team coffees, chocolate and the odd lunch. She feels it is her duty as a boss (we offer repeatedly and occasionally she lets us return the favour). But she thinks it’s the norm.

If it’s just this one women and no one else in the team, then I’d think it was a bit odd! I’d want to know why 😂

How did you find this out? I take it he is not secretive about it, so that’s a good thing.

I saw a text on his phone flash up thanking him and saying he must let her pay and laughing emojis. He doesn't do it for anyone else as we have a joint account and I can see what comes out

O.. that does sound a bit weird. I would have to ask my husband who she was and why he was buying her drinks and chocolat all the time! I wouldn’t be able to help myself.

Hmmm, I dunno. Depends on the workplace relationship.

I worked with a guy in a setting where we were partnered 12 hr shifts just me & him working closely together. We worked alongside others, spoke to other colleagues etc But we were partners.

If I bought a coffee/sarnie/treats I'd buy for him too. And vice versa. I/he didn't buy for the others as they weren't our work partners. The others did that with their own work partners.

He was married. I was in a relationship. But there was absolutely nothing going on other than a platonic workplace partnership/friendship.

For context, they aren't in the same team just the same building. He's a manager a few rungs up

I work with 2 men who are both in relationships and we are together all day every day. Often go and get drinks / occasional chocolates / throw in to collections for each other. Never thought it would think anything other than it being what it is.

What has he said?

He doesn't like taking money off her which was a bit of a non answer.

Jelly, I don't think anyone would think anything of your situation. In a building of 50 plus to do it to one woman is the bit I'm questioning how people would feel

I am sure he has bought coffees for other colleagues, it's difficult not to. I have had one or two people I have buddied up with on coffee runs. Sometimes it can be a random colleague from another team who I am meeting with. It is common to go out somewhere to meet and discuss projects and one person will pay.
Really there are lots of scenarios. I am not sure to what extent you are tracking his spending because it is strange to know he has only ever bought her coffee.
IF you are suspicious it might be better to have more background

@Pomo81 I work in an office of over 400 people and on reflection someone will offer to buy me a drink most days. It's just the done thing in some places. I understand if this is sitting uneasy, I just wanted to reassure you that it could be perfectly normal too.
What is his reaction?

Hell no

So she's probably buying him drinks back, it's just you can't see her bank statement?

If he's a team manager then I'd expect him to buy the caffiene beverages which fuel most teams.

@Pomo81 you sound suspicious. On the face of it, it seems harmless. However if it was me, and it was someone not in my husbands team, he had her number for some reason and they were texting. I’d want some kind of explanation and think you’re entitled to one. It might be innocent. Maybe their teams cross paths or something or she’s recently been doing some work for another team. Otherwise.. Are they friends? Some male/female relationships do exist at work that can be innocent. I have a few male friends i have met with for coffee. We have each others numbers but barely do we text. If we meet we tend to buy our own coffees but if they insisted I’m sure I’d want to text them to say thanks. Unless you ask you’ll never know.

I work in an office of mostly men. Most of them have my number from events we've attended where I've had to get in touch prior. Most would automatically buy me a coffee if we went somewhere as my sector is still quite old school.

Is he usually tight?

I think you have painted him as predatory and tight. So it sounds quite horrible.

Well that's a weird interpretation about predatory and tight. I posted as I wanted a fresh pov but I have posted a previous thread about her before

Are you suspicious of her? What’s the back ground?

I don't know how to link to my other thread...

Oh, this sounds suspicious if it’s only her he buys for and it’s never reciprocated. Colleagues taking it in turns to pay? Fine. A guy frequently treating his female colleague and it never going the other way? Odd. What’s the background? If you’ve posted about her before it sounds like you have more reasons to be concerned?

YANBU and, in context of his special treatment of her, would find it highly concerning.

I think this would be the pivotal moment for a frank chat and a "choose this marriage" statement.

@Pomo81 just give us a brief summary 😂
It will help put it in perspective for us! X

OP

The context of all of this is that you husband developed what he described as a friendship with a colleague. He found her attractive and she found him attractive. He developed mentionitis and spent more time than he should with her. Sharing things and giving her his personal number. She told him she wanted more than friendship. She acknowledged he was marrying you and she distanced herself from him. He then spent weeks stalking her on social media and being in a strange mood.

There are a lot of ways to describe his behaviour, a crush, an infatuation, an obsession or just too close for a friendship. This is also how we describe falling in love. I am very sorry if that cuts but from your last post there is quite a lot of head burying going on here.

The answer to your question is that it fine for a DH to buy an attractive colleague a coffee. It is not fine to buy one for someone for whom you have inappropriate feelings.

The gist of the last post was that you and he minimised what went on here. He isn’t facing up to his feelings or behaviour and you kept reducing things to individual acts. I accept you believe he loves you and your son but that wouldn’t have stopped him being able to fall in love.

He could have stopped that but he didn’t. He found excuses and he minimised what he was doing.

Fundamentally you don’t trust him and rightly so.

But it is no life if you are checking his phone and forensically checking how he spends his money. Where will it stop for you ?

My advice is for you both to wake up to the reality of what happened here otherwise it will eat at both of you.

Oh! Not sure I could deal with that.. he sounds like he never cut ties with her.. which tbh, I would insist upon if I was to have a healthy relationship with my husband. He can’t have his cake and eat it. And if he still burns a candle for her then he needs to make a decision. It’s not fair on you. He sounds like he is a bit obsessed with this woman.. stalking her on facebook? He needs to grow up.

So yes.. if that’s the situation I would be greatly pissed off if he was buying her drinks and they were continuing to text. Would make me wonder what else was happening.

There’s finding someone attractive.. but keeping it professional as you just wouldn’t even entertain taking it further if you love your partner and then there’s fancying someone and pursuing them when you’re already in a relationship.

Yes, that's a fairly accurate summary. He says they barely talk now and it's nothing. But if they find each other attractive it's not nothing?

It would bother me majorly.

She needs to get a job and stop sponging off men.