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Original poster

Think I've discovered dp has a major drinking problem and I'm in shock

68 replies

Ephellova · 08/07/2019 07:27

Dp has only lived with me for a few weeks. We've been seeing each other for over a year though. Have name changed for this.

Everything has been fine, we've been so happy and him moving in has been something both of us were looking forward to.

I've just left to go to work and I think I've discovered something I almost wish I hadn't. Dp goes downstairs when he wakes up to get water. First time he did it, I said you can get water from the bathroom tap (we have an en suite) and he said the tap downstairs is cooler and there's water that's properly cold in the fridge. Which is all true.

Except I was just sorting out the recycling and I noticed there was a bottle of vodka that was full only a few days ago that is now empty. And my gin is half full. It can't be anyone else.

Dp lost his job a few months ago and he has been very down about it. He's got a few other projects he is doing (part time work) but nothing where he has to be in an office in the morning so if he was drinking during the day, no one would notice.

I actually feel shocked. I don't want to confront him over messaging/text and I also don't want to jump to conclusions, but if he really is drinking spirits in the morning then he has a major major drinking problem.

I was thinking of making a mark on the bottles tonight and checking tomorrow before I say anything? But my mind is going round and round in circles as I can't think of any other reason for it :(

OP posts:
Fairylea · 08/07/2019 07:34

Maybe he put the bottle of vodka in the bin but it doesn’t mean he was drinking it first thing... Maybe he actually poured some of it down the sink / drank it with friends / spilt some ...

As an ex alcoholic from a family of alcoholics I totally get that we generally have very sneaky behaviours but I think you need to speak to him before jumping to conclusions.

If he does have a drinking problem it might be a good idea - if you want to continue the relationship- to get rid of all alcohol in the house and see what happens..

InDubiousBattle · 08/07/2019 07:34

If he's had a bottle and a half of spirits in a few days surely you would have noticed? He would have appeared drunk? Does he stay up later than you?

Original poster
Ephellova · 08/07/2019 07:40

fairylea I come from a family of alcoholics too so I am super cautious around alcohol

Last night I had to work and when I came back I thought he was a bit pissed but he was already in bed so a bit hard to tell. I did glance at the spirits when I tidied up but I wasnt actually looking to see how much was in them if you see what I mean...

But when he got up before me to go downstairs this morning, it made me think of it

I'm really not 100% sure but my spidey senses are not normally too far wrong :(

OP posts:
EleanorReally · 08/07/2019 07:43

does he have to live with you?
can you suggest a break?

EleanorReally · 08/07/2019 07:44

is it a major drink problem?

Bananalanacake · 08/07/2019 07:52

is he able to pay his share towards the bills ok. I like the idea of getting rid of all alcohol from the house and seeing if any bottles appear.

Original poster
Ephellova · 08/07/2019 07:56

Yes he can pay his way with the work he is doing now (and contributes a lot e.g I haven't cooked once since he's moved in, he has dinner ready the minute I'm back from work!)

Yes maybe I should just get rid of them all rather than trying to mark the bottle. But if I do that, then I won't know? If I mark it and he goes down in the morning and there's less afterwards, I guess at least I know?

One of my parents was a secretive alcoholic so I know how devious they can be at hiding things. Just don't want to drive the problem to be hidden if you see what I mean.

He has a job he's going away for on Wednesday for a week so if I don't figure it out before then, I might be left guessing for a bit longer.

OP posts:
heartyrebel · 08/07/2019 08:03

Oh dear, and it starts...

Sounds very familiar, prepare for the lying, minimizing, covering up, gas lighting.

I'd run right now if I was you, I got pregnant and stayed with my DP who was hiding his alchohol problem, 12 years later I have left him but still dealing with it as if got worse and worse. It now affects our DDs childhood and its heart breaking

GroggyLegs · 08/07/2019 08:03

In a cohabiting relationship, why wouldn't you just say 'Bloody hell DP, have you hammered through that vodka in two days?!'

I seriously can't imagine marking bottles & setting traps for someone I am close enough to live with without just asking them in the first instance.

Maybe I'm odd.

Eesha · 08/07/2019 08:05

@Ephellova my ex had similar behaviour traits. Used to pop downstairs to warm the baby milk, then take a swig of whisky or similar. I also found empty bottles floating around. We split a few months after and was a real pain to get him to actually move out. I personally think have a plan of action in your head about what to do if you feel it's true, do you want to support him through it? Or do you want him to move out first? We tried counselling but he never wanted to admit it in that forum, and I then became more and more aware of his behaviour. He became more abusive and finally it was done. Also, your partner might be wonderful in many ways but drink problems are so awful and it will put you through hell, I don't think you should do that to yourself if you don't have to yet.

Daffodil2018 · 08/07/2019 08:06

Can't you just ask him about it in a gentle way? e.g. "I noticed we've gone through that vodka quite quickly, how much do you normally get through in a week?"

If he lies about it or gets annoyed/defensive that might point to an issue.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 08/07/2019 08:13

If he's drinking that much you won't need to mark the levels on the bottles, just make a mental note. I would buy a new bottle of vodka and see how long that lasts ... you'll have your answer in a couple of days.

Missingstreetlife · 08/07/2019 08:32

Sounds like he doesn't show he has been drinking, I hope he doesn't drive. The secrecy would worry me, you have to take it it on. He will deny.
Alanon, aa for him or finish. So sorry op, it's heartbreaking.

Heliotroping · 08/07/2019 08:41

OP, in this case I agree with you about careful watching and not bringing it up with him (yet).

To those suggesting just asking him... while it definitely seems most sensible/honourable on the face of things, sadly this is likely to leave OP none the wiser. If he's a high functioning alcoholic, he will be extremely convincing in making her think he doesn't have a problem. Then he get more careful and start to hide it better. It's astonishing how hard it can be to spot.

mummmy2017 · 08/07/2019 08:53

Swap the alcohol to a water bottle, fill the bottle with water.....
Wait and see what he says, as then he has to say something or buy more....

Craftycorvid · 08/07/2019 08:55

Can you say, as simply as possible, that you noticed the alcohol had disappeared in a few days and that you haven’t been drinking it? He may, as PP have said, lie, get defensive or try and change the subject. If you are as calm as possible when you speak to him, it will help (though I fully appreciate you don’t feel calm). He may still avoid acknowledging there’s a problem, especially if he isn’t ready to address it, but you’ll have opened up the option to explore it.

Original poster
Ephellova · 08/07/2019 08:55

yes I agree re not confronting it, you see one of my parents was a high functioning alcoholic for years and I saw how good they were at hiding it. If he is in this space and I had confronted him, he would have come up with a reason to explain it and then hidden it so deep from me, I probably wouldn't have found it for a long time.

But I want and need to know now. I might not be able to know before he goes away but I have to figure this out. Sigh, I am really really upset. I honestly thought he was the most wonderful person - he had even spoken about wanting to marry me and asked for my ring size etc. :(. I am devastated as I don't think I'm wrong about this.

Thanks for listening to me blurt this all out.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/07/2019 09:00

Re this part of your comment:-
"and contributes a lot e.g I haven't cooked once since he's moved in, he has dinner ready the minute I'm back from work!)"

But then if he has been working from your house all day he has had plenty of time to do this. He should not receive brownie points here for doing that.

You also come from a family of alcoholics and grew up seeing alcoholism. This man you've now had move into your home has a drink problem. You cannot now unsee what you have already seen nor what your gut is telling you here. You do not need to do anything like mark the bottles because you know deep down that he has drunk the vodka and gin.

TheBrockmans · 08/07/2019 09:01

He might see marks. I would take photos which also act as evidence should he deny it.

feistymumma · 08/07/2019 09:06

What @AttilaTheMeerkat said.

hiddeneverythin · 08/07/2019 09:06

Well done for working it out so quickly op. Xx

Afteryoux · 08/07/2019 09:09

This is how I found the extent of a friend’s drinking problem ie secret drinking in the morning, bottles missing, a tot here and there.

notapizzaeater · 08/07/2019 09:10

Tbh I'd prefer to drink from the downstairs tap for the same reasons. Could he just have been on a huge bender ?

Original poster
Ephellova · 08/07/2019 09:18

brockmans a photo is a good idea

notapizzaeater it is possible. I don't want to jump to conclusions and it could be that he prefers the downstairs tap and he does always come back with water (so it's not like he's coming back empty handed), I just have a bad feeling about this. But I think there's only one way to find out. I'll photograph the bottles tonight and then look tomorrow though I have a feeling because he has a big work thing coming up, he may calm it down but I just don't know. I could be being over cautious because of my background with alcoholics in the family. I really hope I am but I've got a nasty feeling I'm not.

OP posts:
EAIOU · 08/07/2019 09:27

I have very limited experience of this but in the instance I'm aware of, the person with alcoholism would hide bottles in washing machines, car boot, behind large potting plants outside and in places that only they would go to.

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