Think I've discovered dp has a major drinking problem and I'm in shock

[Ephellova]

Dp has only lived with me for a few weeks. We've been seeing each other for over a year though. Have name changed for this.

Everything has been fine, we've been so happy and him moving in has been something both of us were looking forward to.

I've just left to go to work and I think I've discovered something I almost wish I hadn't. Dp goes downstairs when he wakes up to get water. First time he did it, I said you can get water from the bathroom tap (we have an en suite) and he said the tap downstairs is cooler and there's water that's properly cold in the fridge. Which is all true.

Except I was just sorting out the recycling and I noticed there was a bottle of vodka that was full only a few days ago that is now empty. And my gin is half full. It can't be anyone else.

Dp lost his job a few months ago and he has been very down about it. He's got a few other projects he is doing (part time work) but nothing where he has to be in an office in the morning so if he was drinking during the day, no one would notice.

I actually feel shocked. I don't want to confront him over messaging/text and I also don't want to jump to conclusions, but if he really is drinking spirits in the morning then he has a major major drinking problem.

I was thinking of making a mark on the bottles tonight and checking tomorrow before I say anything? But my mind is going round and round in circles as I can't think of any other reason for it :(

You must be heartbroken I'm so sorry OP. Have you got anyone to talk to?

he will just fill the bottles up with water if he suspects you are checking them - don;t be sneaky just ask him straight out

there is no point asking him straight out. He will deny it. I need to be able to see the evidence myself. At the moment, he doesn't suspect I know anything. I have to catch him as if he is totally unawares or I believe it will just get driven completely underground. The fact that I've known him more than a year, I've been away with him on holiday multiple times and this is the first time I've noticed, just shows how careful he is. And I am super cautious around alcohol because of my past. If I am right......

I am totally and utterly heartbroken. Am sat at my desk at work and it's all I can think about. There's a massive part of me that wants to be wrong. There's also a big part of me that knows I'm right.

Attila is right OP. You know what this is, you've already recognised it.

And trying to tell yourself that it's just you being over-cautious is repeating a pattern from childhood, of you taking responsibility. I'm the same, btw. It comes naturally to the child of an alcoholic, as does taking the blame and being in the wrong.

You're not to blame. You deserve better 💐

What a massive shock for you OP. Completely agree about not asking him outright - it wouldn’t help in the slightest and would just set you back. Sounds like your got a really firm grip on it all. I hope you get your answers very soon. If not before Wednesday, then sort out any plans / expectations for his return the following week and stay strong.

thank you all x

I've had to go and have a cry in the loo. I've got such a busy day at work which is probably no bad thing but I'm finding it hard to concentrate. I feel utterly devastated.

You're right, I probably won't find out until after he's back but I need to keep a plan in my mind and just follow it.

Honestly? If you can’t trust him to tell you the truth then isn’t it over anyway? No matter how little or much he’s drinking.
So sorry. Look after yourself.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You know what you have to do. It's extremely unlikely your spidey senses are wrong - what your DP is doing is exactly what my late H used to do. You're still in the early stages of the relationship and at least you discovered this quickly. Life with an alcoholic is hell. They all stop functioning eventually. Best get out now.

I'm so sorry @Ephellova x This is awful for you. Lots of love

well the problem is wolfie that if it's not true, he will deny it naturally but if it is true, he's bound to deny it anyway so either way I won't know the truth. So it's not that I think he will lie or that I think he's a liar (well I didn't before now) - it's more that if he is a high functioning alcoholic, I won't be able to tell what is true and what isn't :(.

and if he is, then it's over. Completely :(

My ex did this. Sneaking out of bed in the morning and drinking neat vodka. I caught him once in the fridge and asked him what he was doing, he said he was just moving the bottle. At the time we were both younger and there was a lot of socialising so I didn’t really keep track of levels in bottles, and it didn’t occur to me at the time that he might be drinking it in the morning. It all became clear over time.

You can confront him but I think you will be met with anger and denial if he’s an alcoholic.

If it turns out he is, you need to end the relationship as I can promise you it will only hurt you terribly in the end. Don’t waste your life with an alcoholic, I wish I hadn’t.

sadie believe me, if it's the case, it's over. I suspect that's why I am so shocked and devastated today. Only this weekend we were talking about engagement rings and a life together. If I find he's been hiding his drinking, then that's it. I can't trust him and if I can't trust someone, I cannot have a relationship with them.

So sorry. I think your ideas about how to react are the right ones.

I'm so sorry @Ephellova.
It must be a massive blow to even have to think about this.

Two sides to your family experience , as you say: first, you might be liable to spotting alcoholism where it doesn't exist (hypervigilance), so it's possible that you're seeing a problem which isn't there (fingers crossed). But second, you really know what you're looking for, so are likely to be right about the signs. Hard as it might be, it will be very helpful if you can see the next week or so as a kind of test where you need to remain as dispassionate and calm as you possibly can to assess this logically.

I too have family experience, and know how vile and destructive this can be - the lying and trust issues in particular.

One way or another, this hellish limbo and shock is time limited. Find someone IRL to talk to, and hang on in there till you know. Thinking of you

I’m sorry. I do have an empty bottle of wine and spirits to get rid of this morning. I had a glass of wine. It was the last in the bottle. I also found I had had the last of the spirits and put it back in the cupboard at some point. Why?! Anyone seeing me going to the recycling bin with both those in my hands may think I have a problem.
I know you will make the right decision. Good luck OP.

There is a reason why the clear spirits are disappearing (Gin/Vodka etc) - because it looks like a glass of water or can be put in a water bottle. Its what my ex used to do.

It he really bringing water up or is it something else? Perhaps you should ask for a drink of his nice cold water and gauge the reaction.

I think that trusting your gut is the right thing to do - especially if you have experienced this with your own family. Your hyper vigilance has already developed because of your background so that you “sense” and “know” something is off as addicts are deceptive, lie, hide, gas-light etc.

I am not sure that setting traps or asking him will get you anywhere (he will out-wit you).

So step back, think about and then list out, all the behaviours that you have seen and sensed and then put them all together. Often it is the totality of little things pulled together that allows you see something. Maybe there is nothing else “off” at all?

What is his relationship history? How has his career gone? How are his finances?

It is water as I tasted it this morning.

It is such a huge blow, I can't even describe it, if I am right. I am still grabbing on to the miniscule chance I am wrong. I am sat at work utterly shell shocked. He sent me a message this morning saying how he feels he doesn't deserve my love and how he's in awe of how wonderful we are together (he's been feeling down about his work because he can't find something full time) but I'm also wondering whether he's feeling shit/guilt about the drinking. I'm kicking myself for not spotting it sooner if that's what it is - I am totally hypervigilant for this stuff.

Wolfie if you live with someone and you drink together or they are open about what they drink then it wouldn’t matter if there were 100 bottles in the recycling. But if you live with someone haven’t seen them drinking and there are a couple of bottles of spirits missing then it would raise questions about secret drinking.

he's had one long marriage that ended about 5 years ago. I haven't met his exw but i'm due to. Career ok but lots of different things (but nothing unusual or out of place). I know why he lost his last job (as we were together) as lawyers were involved and drink wasn't part of it.

Finances hard to tell as we don't have joint accounts and that's something else people can keep hidden. We've discussed what pensions we each have etc. but I've not seen any proof. He's changed his address on his bank accounts so soon all of that will come to the house.

I have noticed that he can drink an extraordinary amount when we are out but I've seen men drink like that before. He doesn't always drink. So if we pop out for a meal, he can just have one glass of wine. And he also has weeks where he detoxes and drinks nothing and does these odd smoothie things. We've also been places where he's driven and he hasn't touched a drop all weekend (and I'm pretty confident of that).

I think, if anything, the picture it would paint if I was trying to be a 3rd party is someone who drinks a lot when they are stressed/struggling. The work thing is really getting to him. And moving in with me will have saved him some money but moving also comes with its own stresses. He says he's ok to me, and very happy, but he looks stressed and I wonder if there's something else going on that I just don't know about.

He heard you sorting out the recycling. The message is distracting away from that.

I have noticed that he can drink an extraordinary amount when we are out but I've seen men drink like that before. He doesn't always drink.

He could be a binge drinker outside the home - so he knows that he can’t even have one because he can’t stop - so maybe sometimes he doesn’t start drinking at all - and other times he starts he drinks an extraordinary amount. What is his drinking pattern at home - do you drink together?

Why did his marriage break down? What was his relationship history in the 4 years before he met you?

His career and finances seem patchy or a least not transparent - does this concern you?

My exH moved in with someone he has known for a long time a few weeks back. Across the country?
On the tiny chance it is him, yes he is a secret drinker.

I’m a big believer in trusting our gut instinct. My stbxh managed to erode all my boundaries and mistrust my gut by minimising, denying, gaslighting, abusing and manipulating me. It will have an impact on my for quite some time I imagine. Please trust your gut.

I don't think they aren't necessarily transparent. More that there was nothing there of any immediate concern so nothing to make me immediately suspicious.

He had a v intense relationship with someone for around a year. They aren't in contact any more. Other than that, just short flings. He hasn't lived with a partner since his marriage. Marriage breakdown - only heard his side of it but just essentially incompatible in the end, drifted apart. It's amicable and she's now a friend of his (they have dcs).

The binge drinking sounds very likely thinking about it. Either he's all in or not at all. I'm going to watch like a hawk until he goes away. He hasn't twigged at all (as yet) that I have suspicions - the comment he sent me was all to do with his work.