Think I've discovered dp has a major drinking problem and I'm in shock

[Ephellova]

Dp has only lived with me for a few weeks. We've been seeing each other for over a year though. Have name changed for this.

Everything has been fine, we've been so happy and him moving in has been something both of us were looking forward to.

I've just left to go to work and I think I've discovered something I almost wish I hadn't. Dp goes downstairs when he wakes up to get water. First time he did it, I said you can get water from the bathroom tap (we have an en suite) and he said the tap downstairs is cooler and there's water that's properly cold in the fridge. Which is all true.

Except I was just sorting out the recycling and I noticed there was a bottle of vodka that was full only a few days ago that is now empty. And my gin is half full. It can't be anyone else.

Dp lost his job a few months ago and he has been very down about it. He's got a few other projects he is doing (part time work) but nothing where he has to be in an office in the morning so if he was drinking during the day, no one would notice.

I actually feel shocked. I don't want to confront him over messaging/text and I also don't want to jump to conclusions, but if he really is drinking spirits in the morning then he has a major major drinking problem.

I was thinking of making a mark on the bottles tonight and checking tomorrow before I say anything? But my mind is going round and round in circles as I can't think of any other reason for it :(

(He also lost his job a few months back and has been doing part time work to contribute to his new GFs bills!)

If you think he’s nipping down for a drink just kiss him when he comes back up? Surely if it’s spirits it’ll still be on his breath? Or offer to get the water for him-grab the glass and run down as a loving gesture. See what he does?

You could bring a jug of iced water to bed at night so he didn’t have to go downstairs? He might not be drinking in the mornings - he might just be dehydrated.

But as you know you can keep running down the wrong rabbit holes to catch an addict out and they will sense that and outwit you - best to pan right back take the pressure off and wait for him to trip up / if you want evidence.

However you don’t need proof to end the relationship - you can just sense and know that you are not compatible.

Being the ACoA how does him drinking massively amount in public make you feel?

OP, I was you a few months ago, especially wishing I hadn't seen the bottles.

I did confront the issue and eventually, not initially, he admitted he had a problem.

He is not drinking now, and attending AA, so all good in terms of his health, finances etc. But, I don't know if I'll be in this relationship for the long haul. I feel that if he pulled the wool over my eyes for such a long time (or lied to me depending how you see it) that there are severe trust issues for me.

I don't know if this is helpful, just really an insight into being in your position, except we'd been living together longer and were engaged.

I think if he is to the point he needs a drink first thing right when he gets out of bed, you would have noticed something was not right before finding the bottles. I have a favourite cold tap and I do like that first thing in the morning, so I wouldn’t assume he’s going for a drink (surely you would smell it?).

But it could be he is drinking in the afternoon/evening. You said you had been at work. A few heavy nights (several doubles of vodka/gin per night) will get through a bottle in a few days. It may not be ideal, but short of other worrying patterns of behaviour, four nights in a row of several vodka and sodas a night doesn’t mean he an alcoholic. Particularly when you say he easily can go without a drink.

I would keep my eye on things and see how he seems to be doing over the next few weeks. And then decide how you’ll approach it, hopefully in a way that lets him who you’re concerned rather than angry.

So it is water in the bottle...
Then when he is in the room grab the bottle and make a neat drink...
Try some, then say to him this is water....
Why is this water?

@esphevolla I am sorry. What a worry for you. If it was me, I think I'd mark the bottle(s). As least it gives you a better idea if you do want to speak to him about it. He could top the bottle up with water but at least it's a start.

@mummmy2017 Too early for me. I've no idea what you mean.

OP - did you check - had he drunk anymore overnight?

I think mummy2017 means: is he topping up the gin bottle with water? If so, pour yourself a straight gin to drink so you can notice and query that it isn't gin.

You could always give him a kiss when he gets back from downstairs. Surely you’d taste alcohol

Yesterday 12:47 Ephellova

It is water as I tasted it this morning.

I simply meant she make a neat drink from the bottle, then can ask why is the drink water?

I think OP meant the glass "of water" he brings back to bed is in fact water, rather than what is in the spirit bottles is water?

This exact scenario happened to a friend of mine, she met a man, married him within thr year, moved him in, he also lost his job. And it became very clear very quickly he was an alcoholic. Drinking in thr morning etc, and he had been for a very very long time. It was also why he lost his job. And previous jobs.

The marriage lasted another year, and then it was over. It was impossible to live with him. He had huge hidden debts. Was constantly drinking, and was unable to hide it as they lived together. She did everything to help him but it was useless.

Mark your bottles, take a pic, whatever, but if he is an alcoholic, you'll know very soon indeed even without that

OP given your title and given your deep emotional response it seems that you may have sub consciously absorbed all of the clues and it was finally the empty bottles that joined all of the dots for you to see something. What were all those things - were they odd feelings, suspicions or things that you saw?

How did you go OP?

Hi Op how are you.

all fine, he went away. Didn't go downstairs beforehand and the bottles haven't moved. Will see if anything changes when he's back. It's perfectly possible I've been over vigilant given my past but I will continue to keep an eye out.

You need to talk to him, OP. As the ex partner of an alcoholic, I would be doing a full house sweep too, to see if there are any little stashes. Behind long curtains, in car boots, and under the sink at the back were my ex DP's favourite hiding places. When I kept finding vodka in all those places, I knew something was up. I hope it's something else for both your sales, addiction is a bastard.