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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New boyfriend making comments about my hair. Am I be over sensitive?

59 replies

BruceTheMoose · 07/07/2019 09:03

Wasn't sure where to post this. Wasn't brave enough for AIBU!

New boyfriend came over last night. I said something about my hair which I've had cut into a short bob. I really like it and I absolutely hated having long hair. I hated washing it and brushing and I couldn't do anything with it! It took ages to do so I got fed up of it and chopped it off a few months ago. It's so much easier now and I can actually be arsed to do something with it instead of just shoving it in a bobble.

He asked if I was going to grow my hair back. He met me with a bob so apart from pictures hes never seen me with long hair. He said he'd looked through my Facebook photos and that I looked really nice with long hair. I said I had been considering growing it a little bit, maybe past my shoulders, but no way was I growing back to the length is was (down to my bum) as it took me years to grow it that long. He said it would look better longer and then asked how I would style it etc which I found a bit odd.

The only reason my hair was so long was because I had PND when Dd was born and I completely neglected myself. I didn't go to the hairdressers for years as I felt like I didn't deserve to have nice hair or to look nice as I felt so shit. I also didn't have nice clothes or wear make up at all and just felt like I shouldn't look nice as I was so unhappy and felt I wasn't worthy of it.

I chopped it off as part of my recovery and it made me feel loads better. It was one of the positive changes I made to make myself feel like a human being again.

His comment has made me feel a bit shit. Like my short hair looks horrible.

I was in a very abusive relationship prior to this and I've been single for 5 years. My ex would constantly pick apart my appearance. It's started off as seemingly innocent comments like this about my hair looking better a certain way or a certain colour. About me looking better in certain clothes and it soon turned into him completely berating my appearance at any given chance and it destroyed my self confidence.

I'm not sure if I'm projecting and being over sensitive!

How would normal people take it?

OP posts:

Comps83 · 07/07/2019 09:07

I’d very confidently say ‘no I won’t be growing it back, I like it how it is’
Then keep him at arms length until you know if this was a one off thoughtless comment or if he will make a habit of it

mimibunz · 07/07/2019 09:07

I agree it’s very odd that he asked how you would style your hair if it was longer. If you’re getting a bad vibe then that’s your instincts and you should pay attention. You don’t owe him anything.

noodlenosefraggle · 07/07/2019 09:08

I think if he is commenting on your looks and taking you what to do already, I'd be very wary. Tell him why you cut it and that it's your hair to do as you wish with. If it's affecting your hard won confidence already, he's not the right person.

LittleLongDog · 07/07/2019 09:11

There’s so much emotion attached to your long hair so I’m not surprised his comments made you feel down.

Have you told him what you wrote here about your long hair? He needs to know how you feel about it and be told to drop the idea completely.

MeepMeepMoop · 07/07/2019 09:13

By itself it's not a LTB comment...but from what you have said about your history I may not stand by that. If you have experience of abusive relationships etc then it might be you sense more if that makes sense?

So I agree, I would be telling him that his opinions on your appearance are not welcome as you love your new hair and that if he makes you feel shit again then he isn't worth the hassle.

Is he normally ok?

Manclife1 · 07/07/2019 09:15

So he’s had a normal conversation about your hair (didn’t say he didn’t like it or you looked stupid) but said he preferred it longer (didn’t demand or force you to grow it back) and now he’s the one with a problem. As is pointed out hundreds of time on MN “you can ask but they don’t have to”. Do the guy a favour and dump him. You sound needy and overly sensitive.

MeepMeepMoop · 07/07/2019 09:15

And does he know about the reason you cut your hair? If so then I would be ending it immediately as I would assume he had found a weakness and was using it!

MeepMeepMoop · 07/07/2019 09:18

You sound needy and overly sensitive.

ODFO the OP is clearly vulnerable and is a domestic abuse survivor. There were other ways you could have voiced that opinion. Take some lessons in how to voice an opinion without coming across as a complete arse.

Frith2013 · 07/07/2019 09:21

I’m following this thread with interest because my recent ex was obsessed with why my hair was short and when I would grow it again.

I explained fully the first time he asked that my hair is extremely fine and dead straight so it would never be long again.

He asked 5-6 times over the 2 months we went out together “when are you going to grow it?” and I explained why I wouldn’t be every time!

MintyT · 07/07/2019 09:23

Maybe your being over sensitive, but with good reason. Just no I'm not growing it I really like it short.

Original poster

BruceTheMoose · 07/07/2019 09:32

He so far seems like a really nice guy and hasnt made any other comments like this. I think I'm just being overly cautious as I don't want to be in another abusive relationship. My ex also started out really nice and then comments like this started but it was subtle at first and seemed innocent.

He doesn't know about my hair. When he made the comment I didn't say much as I didn't know how to take it. I just said I was considering growing it back past my shoulders but I liked it how it is right now.

I don't want to be completely mental and pick apart every thing he says to me. I'm hoping it was just an innocent comment and he didn't mean anything by it but its so hard not to be sensitive when I've had such a bad experience in the past.

Just wondered how normal people would react to it! I'm trying so hard to get better and fix myself but I'm also cautious and don't want to end up with some who's going to destroy my self esteem again

OP posts:

RedSheep73 · 07/07/2019 09:33

I don't think you should take it personally. Some men just a thing about long hair on women, my dh included. They associate it with femininity (which is a bit daft in our house as my 13yo ds has much longer hair than me!). Just tell him you got fed up with the faff and like it better the way it is now, he'll have to take it or leave it. He's allowed to gave his own preferences, but that shouldn't influence you.

Manclife1 · 07/07/2019 09:35

@MeepMeepMoop

CheckingOutTheQuantocks · 07/07/2019 09:38

Given the context and history, and the fact that he's a new boyfriend, I wouldn't bother continuing the relationship in this case. It might just have been an innocent comment, but him saying it looked "better" long, even after you'd told him you didn't intend to grow it back, is a bit shitty. To me, it implies that he already thinks he has the right to dictate your appearance under the guise of "I'm just saying what I prefer". And tbh, going through your old pictures to find the version of you that he likes the best is not a nice thing to do.

llangennith · 07/07/2019 09:45

New boyfriend and he's already trying to change you?

KOKOtiltomorrow · 07/07/2019 10:29

Some men are obsessed with long hair - they think it is more feminine. I think they are the types who like compliant women and “ natural” looking women ..... but they still lust after women with hair extensions, boob jobs, false nails etc. They just have an idea of what a woman should look like - I wouldn’t want to date a man like this. Or it could be an actual fetish.

Aussiebean · 07/07/2019 10:30

My dh has Told me he likes my hair longer. I can’t be bothered and he doesn’t care either way.

It could be that situation. He likes it longer but it doesn’t matter.

Mayagoldchoc · 07/07/2019 10:46

I think the more you provide explainations or say you might grow it a bit the more he'll think it's up for debate. I'd just be clear you're not growing it even if you might grow it a bit longer. If he keeps bringing it up and it's part of a pattern I'd leave.

BobTheFishermansWife · 07/07/2019 10:47

I would tell him you won't be growing it longer than the length you want, and tell him what you've told us.

As he doesn't know the history, I think he might just think long hair suits you and was telling you so, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt this time, but keep an eye out.

He allowed an opinion, but not allowed to enforce it.

TheStoic · 07/07/2019 10:49

“I won’t be growing it long again, ever. Is that a problem?”

CheckingOutTheQuantocks · 07/07/2019 10:50

You had shorter hair when he met you, so it obviously isn't a problem for him, but I think it was unkind of him to say that you looked better with it long, when you'd already told him you had no intention of growing it back. There's no issue with him saying it looked nice, but I would also have wanted him to say that you looked nice with it short too.

I may be over-sensitive on this score too. I used to be very slim, and to outward appearances I was attractive and healthy, but I got that way through having an eating disorder. I was ill and miserable, and spent all my time obsessing about food. Now I'm fat but probably healthier, and certainly happier, than I was back then. I have ended a couple of friendships with people who hinted that I looked "better" when I was thin and that I would lose the weight again if I respected myself and my health. So if a man I had just started seeing said that I looked nicer in some old picture he'd seen of me, and was I going to lose weight at any point, I would bin him off immediately. You might not think it's the same thing, but your long hair represents a miserable time in your life and having it cut was part of how you moved on from that.

If you wanted to give him a chance, maybe explain to him as you have here, exactly what his comments meant to you and tell him you don't want to hear any more implied criticism of how you look. Then, if he does it again after understanding why you find it upsetting, you'll know what to do.

hadthesnip2 · 07/07/2019 11:21

At least tell him the reason why you cut it short. He met you when it was short & so must like it. He has since seen pictures of you with long hair & likes it /thinks you look good with long hair (which you obviously did otherwise why did you have long hair for so long previously). Its is not currently controlling, or abusive or a reason to ltb. Just talk to him. If he then persists you then have every right to leave him. But AJ reckon he'll understand & day no more about it.

Please remember there are lots of women on mn that have been in abusive relationships & see red flags when there are none.

AgentJohnson · 07/07/2019 12:20

Be honest and say to him what you’ve said here. Your hair length is a trigger to an unhappy time, he can’t know that if you don’t explain. However, if he bangs on about it once he knows the backstory then he’s a dick.

Leftielefterson · 07/07/2019 12:27

I guess he’s entitled to give an opinion and maybe he wasn’t being controlling, but keep an eye on it and definitely don’t change it because of him.

A boyfriend of mine once threatened to dump me if I dyed my blonde hair brunette. He had a weird thing about blondes. He said it jokingly but the next day I met up with him for lunch with dark brown hair. He loved it but I’d hate for a man to even attempt to dictate how I style or colour my hair.

yetanotheropinion · 07/07/2019 12:35

I hate stuff like this - he's being controlling and overstepping the mark. If he's not being really kind and respectful and generally lovely, dump him. Strong boundaries = self respect and happiness.

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