New boyfriend making comments about my hair. Am I be over sensitive?

[BruceTheMoose]

Wasn't sure where to post this. Wasn't brave enough for AIBU!

New boyfriend came over last night. I said something about my hair which I've had cut into a short bob. I really like it and I absolutely hated having long hair. I hated washing it and brushing and I couldn't do anything with it! It took ages to do so I got fed up of it and chopped it off a few months ago. It's so much easier now and I can actually be arsed to do something with it instead of just shoving it in a bobble.

He asked if I was going to grow my hair back. He met me with a bob so apart from pictures hes never seen me with long hair. He said he'd looked through my Facebook photos and that I looked really nice with long hair. I said I had been considering growing it a little bit, maybe past my shoulders, but no way was I growing back to the length is was (down to my bum) as it took me years to grow it that long. He said it would look better longer and then asked how I would style it etc which I found a bit odd.

The only reason my hair was so long was because I had PND when Dd was born and I completely neglected myself. I didn't go to the hairdressers for years as I felt like I didn't deserve to have nice hair or to look nice as I felt so shit. I also didn't have nice clothes or wear make up at all and just felt like I shouldn't look nice as I was so unhappy and felt I wasn't worthy of it.

I chopped it off as part of my recovery and it made me feel loads better. It was one of the positive changes I made to make myself feel like a human being again.

His comment has made me feel a bit shit. Like my short hair looks horrible.

I was in a very abusive relationship prior to this and I've been single for 5 years. My ex would constantly pick apart my appearance. It's started off as seemingly innocent comments like this about my hair looking better a certain way or a certain colour. About me looking better in certain clothes and it soon turned into him completely berating my appearance at any given chance and it destroyed my self confidence.

I'm not sure if I'm projecting and being over sensitive!

How would normal people take it?

Contrary to pps, I would not tell him what significance cutting your hair has to you. It's early days, it's unwise to give a new boyfriend the perfect weapon to exploit your vulnerabilities, and unwise to tell him any history of abuse early on.

"No, I like it this way", "No, it was a pain in the arse long", "oh no, I didn't like it" are all good enough answers. If a guy fixates on it and doesn't just accept what you say on it, then it's a big old red flag.

Saying no to a man is a very good test of who he is. Don't give him a soft no, give him a hard one occasionally and see how he reacts.

I'd tell him straight out that you are keeping it short, and watch his reaction carefully.

Is have said no, I'm not growing it long.
End of conversation.

Style your hair the way you want it, if he doesn't like it tough.

I think this comment was okay in itself, as he has no idea of the emotional significance to you. Just tell him that you like it short and have no plans to grow it again. If he mentions it again after you've said that, I'd bin him.

DO NOT TELL HIM WHY YOU WILL NOT BE GROWING IT!

Firstly, you do not have to justify your decision at all - just 'I am never growing my hair long again, I much prefer it short' If he makes it a problem that you are doing what you want with your own body, then you've had a narrow escape from another abuser.

But most importantly he is a NEW boyfriend and you have no idea if you can trust him with your vulnerabilities yet. A real abuser would take that knowledge and run with it - your life would become hell.

You have picked up a worrying signal - the appropriate thing to do is to now proceed with caution and see how he unfolds. That is what dating is for.

But honestly, I would say trust your instincts. People who have been abused often have very poor boundary function anyway, so if you really feel he's crossed a boundary, it is way more likely that he is so far over the boundary that the boundary is a dot to him, than that you are over-reacting.

You possibly are being over sensitive due To your past relationship triggering barriers to come up which is fair enough.

Regards your hair, tell him
If he mentions it again "I have decided it is what I like and will be keeping it this way"

Good luck 💐

You said that you made a comment about your own hair and then he made comments about it.

What was the comment you made? To me, this looks like you initiated a conversation topic and then he responded with his thoughts about it.

It doesn’t seem odd to me no. It sounds to me that he was continuing the line of conversation which you began.

What I am not so keen on is that he said he thought your hair would look better longer. Ok, he is entitled to his opinion but it’s your hair so you do what you want with it and don’t worry about it. He could well just be a guy who likes long hair on the opposite sex. As he has seen pictures of you with long hair, perhaps his perception is that he really liked it and so said he thought long hair looks better. I really shouldn’t worry about it too much, you do what you want with your hair. People will always give their opinions, doesn’t mean you need or want to take them onboard. Do what makes you feel happy and comfortable.

From my own experience I think you're quite right to be wary after this comment. Maybe see how it goes for the next wee while, but if there are other comments about appearance I'd be thinking carefully.

Purely speaking for myself (as someone now mid-forties who has had both good and also terrible relationships) any man I've known who had the long hair obsession thing or who wanted me to change my appearance in terms of clothing, etc.. has turned out to be a bit of an arsehole - often for other reasons, but an arsehole nonetheless. As well as requests to grow my short hair long, I wear long dresses and maxi skirts as I love them and feel comfy, but have had various men say repeatedly that they'd like me to wear shorter skirts or jeans for example). Sounds like nothing in the big scheme, but I'm happy as I am and I want someone who likes and respects me for that.

But for what it's worth I don't think you're projecting or being over-sensitive and as others have said, trust your instincts.

God men who like long hair on adult women plenty who aren’t shallow

What I originally said to bring it up was that I'd had a few compliments at work about my recent haircut.

I had it cut into a bob a few months ago but recently had it cut again just to freshen it up and that I really liked it. It was a much nicer cut than last time as I went somewhere else. Its the first time in years I've actually liked my hair and it felt good to receive compliments.

I know some guys have a weird thing about women having long hair. I mentioned it to my friend this afternoon and she said her partner has also said something similar when she had her hair cut into a bob but that she didn't give a shit and told him so, so he didn't mention it again.

I'm don't think I'm needy. I'm sensitive, yes but I have a lot of issues which I would never try and put on someone else. I don't take everything he says the wrong way and I have never made an issue out of anything and I don't intend to. I'm just more cautious than most people. I don't pull him up on every single thing he says or make an issue out of it. This is the only thing he's said that I've not taken with a pinch of salt! I just didn't want to make a big deal over something that other people would think was normal, hence why I thought I'd ask what others thought.

I think what's worried me is the fact I actually started to question myself. I started wondering if I should grow my hair back to please him. It's so easy to slip backwards. I'm still very vulnerable even though I have come a long way! It's taken a lot of hard work and a lot of time to pull myself out of depression and to gain some self confidence and I don't want to end up falling back again.

Thanks for all your replies

You're not being oversensitive. You've spotted a red flag.

All the decent men in my life have never, ever commented negatively about my appearance or made 'suggestions'. Only the arseholes have.

Tread carefully. Agree with prevoius posters, don't reveal any vulnerabilities from hereon in, give him a breezy no and watch the reaction carefully.

I think the basis of control is where one person tells another what to do, think or feel.

If he has not told you what to do, think or feel about your hair, I would relax a little. If he has told you what to do, think or feel about your own hair, then yes it’s a red flag.

If the comments he made regards your hair were degrading, belittling, accusatory, offensive or rude in any way then yes it’s a red flag.

A lot of the time, people throw their flippant comments about what they think, feel or should do at others, without giving it a second thought. They are giving their opinions and it doesn’t mean they are controlling necessarily but if it is frequent and/or makes you feel bad more often than not, then that’s a sign there is something not right.

If you have questioned yourself regards whether you should do something to change yourself to please another, then I feel you have rightly identified where you need to work on strengthening your own beliefs in yourself. Doubt has crept in, I believe that’s normal for abuse survivors and a side effect of the abusive/controlling past we were once involved in. Yes, I am one too. You are re-building your own sense of self-esteem and this is an on-going process and a learning curve. I don’t know if he is aware of your past or that if he necessarily understands the implications of his verbal offerings to a person who has suffered at the hands of another in the ways you have.

I would suggest that you take it slow and watch for anything you feel is not right, note the instances in a journal so that you have something to refer back to if and when you should feel in doubt.

Woah - so you were telling him that you'd had some nice comments about your new haircut and his response was to tell you he thought it looked better long? That sounds like more than just him giving an opinion.

It is a bit puncturing, isn't it? I think op's right for it to have sent her bells jangling.

Find out about his Mother's hair. That might be interesting. Or some other woman from his past, that he's trying to turn you into.

You're not being needy or oversensitive OP. It is a red flag especially as he said this in response to you getting complements. That's not a LTB but worth being firm on it and seeing how he reacts and also keeping an eye out for further critical behavior like this. People who have been in controlling/abusive relationships are perhaps more aware that this CAN be (not definitely is) a worrying sign.

Don't even know what Manclife is on about with that nonsensical comment and biscuit, just trolling it seems...

I think most men prefer long hair. I don’t know why, because a bob usually looks good on so many women. I would not take the comment too seriously.

My husband prefers long hair and dresses, we met when my hair was very short and I tend to live in jeans. He loves me. I prefer beards and corduroy trousers on men, DH often has no beard and never wears corduroys. I love him.
Try not to let the past have too negative affect on your life now, your partner is not your ex. Give it a chance but with eyes wide open.

I don't think it unusual or strange that a man likes or prefers you with longer hair. (some prefer shorter hair too). What is a little bit stranger is the fact that he kept pushing a bit, going on about pictures on Facebook and asking how you'd style it. I'd let it go this time, if he brought it up again I'd say thanks but I like my hair like this. For me it's ok if he said this once or twice, but not if he regularly brought it up or started dropping hints about what you should wear.

I had this just an hour ago.

I had a Number 2 all over about 5 weeks ago to get rid of my coloured hair and grow out the grey.

My OH's dad and step mum were here and said it looks good.

He said, it won't take long for it to grow out and then said 'but she might want to keep it like this as you like it don't you'.

No assumptions, and total support, like a partner should be.

Woah - so you were telling him that you'd had some nice comments about your new haircut and his response was to tell you he thought it looked better long? That sounds like more than just him giving an opinion

I agree. I think you were right OP to wonder about what he said. It sounds like he wanted to knock you down a bit and see how you reacted. Be careful. He should have said - of course you got compliments, your hair is lovely - or something along those lines. Not I prefer your hair longer. Dick.

Men and their penchant for long hair! I have a theory, girls look pretty with long hair and all the attention is on their hair. When they have it cut they show more of their face and often look quite dazzling, all eyes and cheek bones. So men feel threatened, someone else might fancy their girlfriend.

He's a new boyfriend and a bit cheeky to make comments about your hair. He's done it now so hopefully won't need to say anything again.

When I had waist length hair strange men would come up to me and said they loved my hair and to never cut it and that their wives cut their hair off and they hate it but they can't say anything.

From further discussion it seems men want women to look as much like women as possible - i think it taps into some homophobia feelings the men are having - if the woman in their life looks too much like a man.

if the woman in their life looks too much like a man.

FFS what a load of old bollocks, women with short hair don't look like men!