New boyfriend making comments about my hair. Am I be over sensitive?

[BruceTheMoose]

Wasn't sure where to post this. Wasn't brave enough for AIBU!

New boyfriend came over last night. I said something about my hair which I've had cut into a short bob. I really like it and I absolutely hated having long hair. I hated washing it and brushing and I couldn't do anything with it! It took ages to do so I got fed up of it and chopped it off a few months ago. It's so much easier now and I can actually be arsed to do something with it instead of just shoving it in a bobble.

He asked if I was going to grow my hair back. He met me with a bob so apart from pictures hes never seen me with long hair. He said he'd looked through my Facebook photos and that I looked really nice with long hair. I said I had been considering growing it a little bit, maybe past my shoulders, but no way was I growing back to the length is was (down to my bum) as it took me years to grow it that long. He said it would look better longer and then asked how I would style it etc which I found a bit odd.

The only reason my hair was so long was because I had PND when Dd was born and I completely neglected myself. I didn't go to the hairdressers for years as I felt like I didn't deserve to have nice hair or to look nice as I felt so shit. I also didn't have nice clothes or wear make up at all and just felt like I shouldn't look nice as I was so unhappy and felt I wasn't worthy of it.

I chopped it off as part of my recovery and it made me feel loads better. It was one of the positive changes I made to make myself feel like a human being again.

His comment has made me feel a bit shit. Like my short hair looks horrible.

I was in a very abusive relationship prior to this and I've been single for 5 years. My ex would constantly pick apart my appearance. It's started off as seemingly innocent comments like this about my hair looking better a certain way or a certain colour. About me looking better in certain clothes and it soon turned into him completely berating my appearance at any given chance and it destroyed my self confidence.

I'm not sure if I'm projecting and being over sensitive!

How would normal people take it?

He said it would look better longer and then asked how I would style it etc which I found a bit odd
he's trying to manipulate you, framing the situation as one in which you instinctively respond to his hints and prompts...I think he is drawing you out to see how biddable you are
shut him down, if he keeps it up drop him

Get some standards! Get rid of this guy now. He won't get better.

So he’s had a normal conversation about your hair (didn’t say he didn’t like it or you looked stupid) but said he preferred it longer (didn’t demand or force you to grow it back) and now he’s the one with a problem

Except it wasn't a normal conversation,it was a weird one.

OP I would just keep him at arm's length a bit just to see how things go as a pp said.

Saying no to a man is a very good test of who he is. Don't give him a soft no, give him a hard one occasionally and see how he reacts

This is very key Say No early on and often and watch for the reaction, it could be non verbal but they might bristle. I missed this sign.
I also think the assumptive questions are manipulative, salespeople are told to do this "if you had this new car, where would you drive to?".
It is a technique designed to turn a No into a maybe or Yes.

Definitely don't share your reasons, way too vulnerable for newish bf.
I think your instincts are working for you and you just need to listen. Maybe this is strike 1 and a warning to be on your guard.

My abusive ex used to be like this. He’d subtly tell me he didn’t like the length or colour of my hair, didn’t like my lipstick shade, didn’t like my coat choice or shoes etc. He did it in such a subtle and clever way, it could easily be dismissed as a throwaway remark. Over the months I realised he was trying to make me doubt myself and question my appearance. It’s nasty, manipulative and bullying behaviour.

As a one off I’d let it slide but if you notice any more similar comments, ditch him.

I hate stuff like this - he's being controlling and overstepping the mark

Expressing an opinion and asking a question is not overstepping the mark.

DO NOT TELL HIM WHY YOU WILL NOT BE GROWING IT!

Completely agree with this and the subsequent reasons.

People who have been abused often have very poor boundary function anyway, so if you really feel he's crossed a boundary, it is way more likely that he is so far over the boundary that the boundary is a dot to him, than that you are over-reacting.

However, this isn't always the case. Sometimes people who have poor boundaries and are trying to establish them over reach and see boundary breaches/intentions where there are none.

Woah - so you were telling him that you'd had some nice comments about your new haircut and his response was to tell you he thought it looked better long? That sounds like more than just him giving an opinion.

I agree.

You also said there’s other things he’s said that you’ve taken with a pinch of salt so I think you’re right to be sensing that things aren’t quite right.

He's being a Dick

Unbelievable that some posters are already urging you to break it up.

I do understand where you are coming from though OP. I was in an abusive relationship with a very controlling guy many years ago and yes he did make comments about preferring long hair. I completely see what you mean about nipping things in the bud and seeing red flags, because you think you missed them with your ex.

So yes you are being aware of signs and you are cautious. That's not over sensitive, that's wise.

But the people on here who jump on this comment to paint him as some sort of psycho...really?

Other posters have given you great advice. At this stage, be very clear to him that you like your hair in a shorter bob, that it is your hair and that you will do what the fuck you want with it.

If he gets funny about it, then yes he has issues and you don't want that in your life.

But maybe he is just a guy who likes women with long hair ( all my exes and my husband have this in common) . It was insensitive of him to tell you so when you were explaining how much you like your shorter hair, I agree, perhaps a bit rude even so I would be a bit pissed off.

But people always put their feet in it. I'm sure I do it too.

Just be very clear that you are not changing for him.