Is my boyfriend stonewalling me or is it over?

[veryconfusedtoday]

Only been with my boyfriend a couple of months, everything was very intense at the start. Said "I love you" very quickly, we thought we'd both found our soulmate, had never felt this way before etc, all just very fast and very intense and that is not like me at all.

Anyways my boyfriend knew I had some issues with mental health and alcohol from the off, I am trying to get help for my alcohol issue but have not been managing very well. I gave him so many outs at the beginning and told him this wasn't a good time to be starting a relationship but he was adamant he wanted to be there.

So this week, I ended up breaking up with him so I could cancel our plans and go get drunk which I know is awful. He was understanding and wished me well. The next day I woke up hungover, depressed and regretful. I text him and apologised and said I regretted my decision. But I think I've completely ruined it.

He responds but barely, he text me the day after i broke up with him and said "I love you" then when I responded he ignored me.

So I left it another day then I text telling him I don't want to bug him but I'd like to know if he wants to see me again rather than to be kept in this limbo, he just replied "you never bug me". So again I asked where we stand and he said, "see to be honest right you can say you didn't mean it the next day but that doesn't take back how it made me feel at the time." I apologised again and he said, "yeah just give me a bit of time to think" so I said okay you won't hear from me again, if you want to get in touch you know where I am?

Have I totally ruined it? Is he making me sweat or is he over it? I have asked him to tell me multiple times if it's over and he just always avoids the question. How long should I wait before assuming it's over?

I won't contact him again, I've deleted his number and our chats. I'm trying to just go about my life like I normally would and distract myself, it's just torture though.

Wow. I’m not sure what you want to be told here OP, you can’t just break up with someone so you can behave like a dick then pick them back up when you feel sorry for yourself.

Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t want anything more to do with you because I certainly wouldn’t.

@Duchessgummybuns I wouldn't either and that's completely fair. But then why not just come out and say it rather than the "I love you", "you never bug me", "give me a bit of time to think". Like does he genuinely just want time to think or is too scared to end it?

I can't be in limbo forever. I know my behaviour triggered this and was awful and take full responsibility

You should probably be alone right now as you’re trying to get a handle on your alcohol issue. Let him go.

I don't mean to sound harsh but you need to stop playing the victim here.

YOU broke up with him.
YOU went off on a binge.
YOU regretted it.
YOU created this limbo youre now in.

HE has every right to take as much time as he needs to think and see if being with you is what he wants.

Needless to say I personally think you should be on your own whilst you get a handle on your drinking anyway. Leave him be. Assume it's ended. If he comes back, that's a lovely thing for the future but you need to focus on sorting yourself right now.

Deal with getting yourself to a good place. Then focus on a relationship.

I wouldn't blame him for not replying and you already know you're in the wrong.

Priorities OP. Help yourself first.

You only broke up with him this week, so you've hardly been in limbo "forever". Just give him a bit of space to process this in his head, it's the least you can do.

Please get yourself some help, OP.

Give him space Op, you’ve said your bit now and just wait to see if he contacts you. He’s not stonewalling you.. I would imagine in his head he’s working out what to do next. Yes he might love you but you broke up with him, the reality of your current MH and alcohol issues have probably hit him and it’s a big decision as to whether he wants to keep investing in the relationship.
Go seek help for yourself, concentrate on you and getting you into a good place. Once you are everything else will fall into place

I've been with someone at the start of their sobriety journey. It was mental torture.

You make the decision. Take responsibility and walk away. It's not a healthy relationship to be in, and the intensity is likely all part of your alcohol issues.

Have you actually been to AA, or sought professional help? You really need to concentrate on getting sorted, for yourself, before considering a relationship. You will only drag you both down otherwise.

Take this opportunity to address some of the issues of why you feel the need to binge drink if that’s what it is? It’s pointless starting up a relationship until you can be more stable and focused within that. I’m not saying this to be mean but currently this guy would be better off with someone else unless you address your issues and sort them out.

OP, he's seen a glimpse of what it means to be with someone with an addiction and the idea of that versus the reality can be very different.

He will obviously need some time to work out whether he thinks he's ready to deal with it, outside of what your feelings are or how sorry you are.

I agree with PPs that its better for both of you to let him go and concentrate on getting better.

I think if you’re serious about treating your issues with alcohol then a relationship is the last thing you need. I’m fairly certain they tell you in recovery not to embark on new relationships for the first year. Maybe that’s a start for you?

I am getting help with my alcohol problem and he has played a huge part in helping with that, he's never seen me drunk, refuses to be around me. When I slip up though, I slip up bad.

I just don't see what there is to think about. If he doesn't want to be with me then why say he loves me and I never bug him by texting. Why not just come out and say it when I have given him sooooo many opportunities to do so.

He’s not thinking about it. He just doesn’t want to hurt you and possibly send you off the deep end.

It’s over.

You really need to stay broken up with him, for his sake.

Stop messing with his head and go to AA.

@TheStoic if that's the case then why say the things he has been the past few days? I literally said to him, listen if you need space that's fine, if you don't want to see me again then that's also fine but please let me know one way or the other so I can move on. And he responded "just give me a bit of time to think". Why not just say yeah it's over?

I have been sober for over nine years. I will never, ever have one drink again,because I know one will be ten, twenty or more. I didn't drink every day, but when I drink, I fucking drink.

At present, your primary relationship is with alcohol. It's that simple.

Do not be in a relationship with anyone until you are properly sober. You need to work hard on you, you cannot have anyone else as a crutch, a distraction or a diversion.

By sober, I mean having an understanding of why you drink and dealing with those reasons. You will not maintain sobriety without this.

Not drinking is not the same as being sober - without understanding and confronting the reasons for using alcohol, abstinence is just being a dry drunk.

I make no apology for being blunt. You are currently displaying textbook addict behaviour.

Stop being a victim and realise this sitiation is within your control. You absolutely have the power to change your life.

As I said, he’s afraid you’ll lose the plot if he just comes out and says it.

You have proven to be quite unstable. All you can do is stop contacting him. If he wants to contact you, he will.

@TheStoic he could just block me though as he has said he has done to previous exes. I'm not unstable when I'm sober, I'm pretty normal, and last night when all this was going on I felt like I was going out of my mind and really fancied a drink but I didn't because I knew it wasn't going to help anything. So in fact him not being upfront is driving me more wild than if he just came out and said it. But I know what you're saying. I will not contact him again, I told him that last night and I don't have his number now or have him on social media

You've asked him if he wants space and he's basically said he's give me some time to think and you're angry at him for doing that. He needs to be clear in his mind of what he wants and whether or not he can handle this relationship. I realise that it is really hard to sit waiting especially when you feel like you're the one that ruined it but that's what you need to do. Take the time as a bit of breathing space for yourself and figure out what you want too. Good luck and just remember to breathe. Life is hard sometimes but we get through it

If I can answer honestly, I seems to me like you might need some councelling or therapy before you are ready for a relationship. Is that an option for you?

As others have said, you really shouldn’t be considering a relationship until you are sober. Your issue with alcohol led you to treat him very poorly which caused the situation you’re in now.

It doesn’t matter what he thinks and feels. You know you’re not ready to be with someone. Quite simply, your desire to get drunk the other day outweighed your desire to be with him. That needs addressing first.

I am in counselling at the moment but to be honest I've not really been trying. I feel this has been a massive wake up call, like I've literally ruined a thing with the best guy so I really am going to try and get sober and get to the bottom of my issues.

He’s told you what he wants op: time to think. So let him. Stop obsessing over his texts and let him come to a decision whether he can handle it. He may decide he thinks you’re ‘worth it’ he may decide it’s too hard. But that’s his decision. He knows where you are. Get on with your life, this is his decision to make.

I'm only 27 so maybe if I sort myself out now I could have some sort of happy, normal life