Is my boyfriend stonewalling me or is it over?

[veryconfusedtoday]

Only been with my boyfriend a couple of months, everything was very intense at the start. Said "I love you" very quickly, we thought we'd both found our soulmate, had never felt this way before etc, all just very fast and very intense and that is not like me at all.

Anyways my boyfriend knew I had some issues with mental health and alcohol from the off, I am trying to get help for my alcohol issue but have not been managing very well. I gave him so many outs at the beginning and told him this wasn't a good time to be starting a relationship but he was adamant he wanted to be there.

So this week, I ended up breaking up with him so I could cancel our plans and go get drunk which I know is awful. He was understanding and wished me well. The next day I woke up hungover, depressed and regretful. I text him and apologised and said I regretted my decision. But I think I've completely ruined it.

He responds but barely, he text me the day after i broke up with him and said "I love you" then when I responded he ignored me.

So I left it another day then I text telling him I don't want to bug him but I'd like to know if he wants to see me again rather than to be kept in this limbo, he just replied "you never bug me". So again I asked where we stand and he said, "see to be honest right you can say you didn't mean it the next day but that doesn't take back how it made me feel at the time." I apologised again and he said, "yeah just give me a bit of time to think" so I said okay you won't hear from me again, if you want to get in touch you know where I am?

Have I totally ruined it? Is he making me sweat or is he over it? I have asked him to tell me multiple times if it's over and he just always avoids the question. How long should I wait before assuming it's over?

I won't contact him again, I've deleted his number and our chats. I'm trying to just go about my life like I normally would and distract myself, it's just torture though.

You don't get to break up with him, change your mind and then demand an answer after offering him space. It isn't fair. He may need space or he may have already decided, but it is up to him. Of course you also get to decide whether it is better for your mental health to walk away now, which seems to be the case really

I understand how he feels and why he's behaving that way. Imagine how you'd feel the other way round...

I think you should focus on looking after yourself. You're young and it's perfectly possible to have the life you want. Don't be too hard on yourself, engage with help.

And he responded "just give me a bit of time to think". Why not just say yeah it's over

Because maybe he genuinely is thinking about giving you a second chance?

Stop being so fucking self-centred for 5 minutes and think about how HE is feeling eh?

he could just block me though as he has said he has done to previous exes.

Clearly he has feelings for you and he doesn’t know what to do, because he knows logically that this relationship is not a heathy one for him to be in. Same goes for you.

I'm not unstable when I'm sober, I'm pretty normal, and last night when all this was going on I felt like I was going out of my mind and really fancied a drink but I didn't because I knew it wasn't going to help anything. So in fact him not being upfront is driving me more wild than if he just came out and said it.

You should really read this section back and realise how many issues there are crammed into these couple of sentences.

It’s only been a couple of months, for a start. This is all way too full on, way too much drama, way too soon. I’m not surprised he wants some space (and the whole “you’ll never hear from me again” line would be a huge red flag if I were him).

His response is not to blame for you wanting to drink. You want to drink because you’re an alcoholic. Whatever his reaction, it would make you want to drink. What did he do that caused you to break up with him so you could drink a week ago?

He’s probably scared of how his response will impact you and whether you’re drinking. This isn’t his responsibility, or something you should have to think about when navigating a new relationship.

OP, you’re in no fit state to be in a relationship right now. This is really not healthy for either of you. Whether he thinks it’s over or not shouldn’t be a factor - you should know that this isn’t heading anywhere good and end it. Get yourself sorted out first, and then see where you are.

I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I grew up surrounded by alcoholics in toxic relationships and recognise so much of all that in your posts.

He may be trying to let you down gently. Let him go and continue with your counselling and addressing your alcohol issues. Then you will be ready for a relationship.

I know you didnt wish to, but you treated him really badly proving you are not ready. You’re only 27 work on yourself and then you’ll be a better partner in future for another man who comes along

You have messed with his head. I dont think you have any right to be upset about him not being able to give you a clear answer straight away.

I just don't see what there is to think about. If he doesn't want to be with me then why say he loves me and I never bug him by texting.

But he could well love you. And at the same time be deeply hurt by your behaviour and know that for him it might be better to get out of this relationship. That’s not an easy or quick decision to make for a lot of people.

I don’t understand why you can’t see this. To be blunt if I was his friend I would tell him to run a mile. Not just because of your alcohol issues, but you seem to lack any insight into how people might have conflicting emotions. You seem a bit cold and self centred. I appreciate that’s only going on the little you have posted.

In breaking up with him and then demanding to know where you stand after him saying he needed space, you’ve displayed a spectacular lack of empathy for his needs - it’s all about you.

Op you are not in the right place to be in a relationship and if you cared about this guy as much as you say, then you let him go and focus on your sobriety. Your issues with alcohol aren’t his responsibility and hopefully he will realise this and let you deal with them without him.

Right now you’re acting the victim and casting him as the perpetrator by insinuating that he’s stonewalling you.

Yes it's over

You need to sort yourself out before being in a relationship

He owes you nothing and you dumped him

It's a consequence of your actions
Leave him be

He’s somewhere thinking, ‘she’s lovely and I do or could love her, but she’s an alcoholic which could ruin her life and also my life and fuck me right up, look what she’s done already with dumping me for a fix of drink’.

Alcoholics are not ‘normal’ when they’re not drinking just at that second because it’s a complex, insidious condition that affects every part of the alcoholic’s personality and life and has considerable negative effects on the lives of those closest to them. He’s wondering if it’s worth it.

Alcoholics can be charming, funny, good craic, well-intentioned but the nature of alcoholism makes them selfish, manipulative, dishonest, duplicitous, self-centred, narcissistic and prepared to throw those nearest to them under a metaphorical bus in order to get pissed.

Underneath your drink problem is probably a wonderful young woman with everything in life to play for and a huge contribution to make to those dear to her. Get professional help, get yourself to an AA meeting where you will be surrounded by those who will understand you and support you and help you but also smell any bullshit a mile off.

In the meantime stop fucking with this poor man’s head.

Sending you every good wish for your future sober life

You are not in a fit place to be in a relationship. Everything in your post is I, I, I.

You are not even considering how anyone else has been affected or hurt over your actions.

Until you get a handle on yourself, your MH and your drink problems you shouldn't even consider dragging another person and their feelings into your life.

It's so weird how you can have this preconceived idea that you're pretty normal but it's obviously pouring out of me that I'm fucking nuts without even realising

Oh OP I don’t know you at all, but I reiterate that YOU underneath the alcoholism are probably wonderful, but right now you are like most people with a drink problem you are likely to be deep in denial about the effect alcoholism has on those around you.

Don’t hate yourself, hate the booze.

Read ‘The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober’.

It's called denial. Trust me, I've been there.
You're not nuts, you're an addict.

@veryconfusedtoday YOURE NOT NUTS. You're confused, Burt and anxious. Give yourself a break. We all fuck up sometimes. Yes the relationship could be o er as a result but equally it could not. Either way you will manage.

You sound terribly selfish. You dumped him and he sounds like he's been very respectful of your wishes. You then feel sorry for yourself because you're hungover and now you seem to be twisting it onto him because he won't run back into your arms.

Do him a favour and stick to your original decision.

Just give him space, or you'll push him even further. I wouldn't blame him for giving up though. Sort your issues out also.

No OP you’re probably not nuts! And we are all only going by the little bits from your post. None of us know the real you.

Most important thing is to get the alcohol dependency sorted. Then I’m sure lots more will slot into place in a positive way.

Also do remember this guy clearly liked you a lot! So there’s hope. Good luck OP!

You really do sound confused, OP. But yes, your primary relationship is with alcohol, and I don't think he wants to come in a poor second.

Don't 'try' to give up. Do it.

And then go and find yourself a lovely new bloke, with your new understanding of who you are.

My ex was an alcoholic. Had I know the extent, I'd have called off the relationship at damn sight sooner than the 6 years I wasted. I came so far down the list of priorities, it was untrue. Nothing mattered more than the next drink.

Perhaps your ex has had the wake up call early on and that's probably best for you both. Ex so that he doesn't get hurt and you so that you can get the help & support you need to find yourself again.

Alcoholism is cruel and it makes you cruel, as well as selfish. It's all consuming and that doesn't leave much room for other people.

You're not nuts. You are an alcoholic. You are an alcoholic who has not yet decided to stop being an alcoholic.

If I were his friend I would be shouting at him not to remain involved with you.

If I were your friend I would be telling you to stop using him as an excuse, a crutch, a whatever... and to decide for yourself what it is you want to do.

YOU need to be honest with yourself. You need to seek out all the professional help you can find and stop drinking, forever. If that is what you really want right now, from today and forever forward.

Best of luck making the right life changing decision. But do leave him out of it.

The point here is...you must deal with your alcohol addiction. Else it will ruin ALL your relationships and most probably your career and health. Please. While you can. Because alcoholism is progressive and will affect your brain...and in 10 years you may be unable to deal with it. I am sure the relationship stress is really painful but PLEASE go sober. Alcoholism is a life-trasher...you deserve happiness and good times, be brave!!!!!!

If you care for this man at all, leave him alone! He deserves better than your addiction and drama.

I actually posted about this man last week and got a completely different response. I wonder if people's opinion will change now.

New boyfriend of only a month talking about getting me pregnant...massive red flag? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3623309-new-boyfriend-of-only-a-month-talking-about-getting-me-pregnant-massive-red-flag

The last thing you need right now is a relationship anyway.

As you start to recover from alcohol abuse you will change massively and how you think and feel and act will also change.

Relationships that were ongoing through the "substance misuse years" usually breakdown once someone is in recovery.

Often the other person in the realtionship cannot handle the change as "you are not the same person" (even if you change for the better)so they leave anyway.

It's a cliche but true- most recovery programmes will advise you to be around 2 years sober before contemplating relationships because you are likely to end up in very co-dependent /toxic one at this stage.

And if you're really really honest- you've probably been using all this angst as an excuse to drink. No judgement- just seen it all!
Get your self well- good luck