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Original poster

Is this gas lighting? Post affair DH

62 replies

MsPegasus · 05/07/2019 09:48

Last year ago my DH slept with another woman after months of having an emotional affair through the phone. We have young children and I wanted to keep the family together so after separating for around 4 weeks I agreed to take him back, under a handful of conditions. (Counselling, total transparency, not contacting the OW, him changing his mobile number so he would be uncontactable to the OW)

He agreed to all conditions and AFAIK has had no contact with her (he probably has) but he has been dragging his feet about changing his number ever since I asked him to do it.

Every month I'll ask him why he hasn't done it yet and he gets defensive saying he doesn't want to have to sort out all the admin of changing his number, it's too much faff. He'll lose numbers. He doesn't want to have to write all the numbers down and text his friends and co workers the new number. It's hard work.

We argue some more and then he resorts to being infantile and saying "fine I'll do it and the only person who will have the number is you, I wont even give it to my damn family"

I've never implied anything of the sort and reiterate that the only person I don't want knowing his number is her. I'm not controlling, have never told him what he can and can't do, changing his number was a condition under which I agreed to give the marriage another go.

Cue more moaning from him "I'll just snap the SIM card up then and not have a fucking phone" then more childish defensiveness, going in a mood, then him finally saying ok I'm sorry I'm going to do it this Friday.

Friday comes and goes, another month passes, same conversation ensues another 3 times over the month, more stupid defensiveness, ridiculous answers then an agreement it will be done at the end of the week. Rinse and repeat. Again and again.

Now you needn't tell me to LTB because that's exactly what I'm doing, ive had enough of his bullshit.

But has he been gaslighting me? Is this what gaslighting is?

I feel like I'm losing my marbles every time I bring it up after yet again he moves the goal posts. He makes me feel like I'm the unreasonable one, the controlling one.

Am I? Or was this a reasonable condition of trying to make the marriage work after an affair.

OP posts:
Whathappenedtooursummer · 05/07/2019 09:51

I agree changing numbers is a pita. But putting it above saving your marriage really means he has chosen to keep the possibility of ow contacting him over you.
Yabu to have not ltb already.

Original poster
MsPegasus · 05/07/2019 09:54

That's how I feel, that the possibility of her contacting him is more important than our marriage.

He would rather me live in suspicion and uncertainty than inconvenience himself by changing the number. It's PAYG by the way.

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 05/07/2019 09:55

It's more that you've set very clear, conditions and boundaries and he's already flouting them. Rather than being sorry and doing whatever it takes to fix the relationship, he's now back in the family home so can't be bothered to see through his promises. It may also be because he's contact with ow and she doesn't know that it's an affair or that affair has been discovered. Either way he's not prioritising you or the marriage.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 05/07/2019 09:57

But why doesn't he just block her? Changing numbers is a PITA, and him changing his number will mean he can still conatct her...

Do you think they are still in contact? How is your relationship othewise?

Original poster
MsPegasus · 05/07/2019 10:00

She was promptly blocked but continued to call on a withheld number. She caused alot of trouble when she found out i had taken him back as she's as shitty a person as he is, I wanted a clean break and to feel secure in the knowledge that the line of communication had been totally severed.

I believed he had no desire to contact her again at the time as I was in the fog but I've now come to my senses.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsPegasus · 05/07/2019 10:01

The relationship was fine apart from all of this, but now it's gone to shit because I can't trust him and feel as though he doesn't give two shits about the turmoil he put me through.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 05/07/2019 10:01

But has he been gaslighting me? Is this what gaslighting is?

Yes.

Last year ago my DH slept with another woman after months of having an emotional affair through the phone.

"fine I'll do it and the only person who will have the number is you, I wont even give it to my damn family"

"I'll just snap the SIM card up then and not have a fucking phone"

Fuck that and fuck him. He's not sorry, he'll never be sorry - in his mind he's probably twisted it all so that it's all your fault that he committed adultery and he's a big sad victim of a very reasonable marital fidelity requirement controlling behaviour from you. 🤔

This attitude makes it almost inevitable that he will repeat his adulterous behaviour. Do you want to do all this again in a few years, then a few more, then retirement, until you're emotionally destroyed by the repeated betrayals and grief? Get out now whilst you're still young enough for a comparatively easier life recovery.

Here's a bin. 🗑 Pop him in it.

HappydaysArehere · 05/07/2019 10:03

My first thought was to block her. That sends her a definite message anyway. I don’t think this is gas lighting by the way.

HappydaysArehere · 05/07/2019 10:03

My first thought was to block her. That sends her a definite message anyway. I don’t think this is gas lighting by the way.

Original poster
MsPegasus · 05/07/2019 10:05

I'm 25 he's 35 and I've already wasted some of the best years of my life on him. I'm making arrangements to leave but it won't be for a few weeks yet as I have loose ends to tie up. He doesn't know I'm going although I have been warning him for months it would happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsPegasus · 05/07/2019 10:06

He did block her but she continued to call, so every time he went to work I would be wondering whether he was answering the calls and not rejecting them as be did when at home.

It's just too much water under the bridge now I think. It was hard enough trying to trust him again without all of this on top.

OP posts:
upple · 05/07/2019 10:08

It would only be gaslighting if he says he never agreed to change his number.

He just doesn't want to bother, would be my guess. He could give her the new number anyway if wanted to.

avocadoincident · 05/07/2019 10:12

You've got your gorgeous children out of him so not a total waste of time.
I bet many people commenting here hadn't even met their 'forever' partner at your age.

He's a knob and you deserve and will find better. Do you have good support in real life?

Whatisthisfuckery · 05/07/2019 10:12

Firstly, I don’t think it’s gaslighting. It’s twatish behaviour but not gaslighting twaty behaviour. Basically you’ve made a condition which he is refusing to keep, despite him agreeing to do so.

I agree that changing number is a pita, but he could back up all his contacts so he doesn’t lose them. We’ve had this facility for 20 years at least. The other stupid shit about, ‘I’ll change my number and only you can have it wa wa wa’ is just stupid petulant bollocks.

He’s stuck his dick in another woman; he’s agreed to certain conditions in order to keep the relationship going, then not stuck to them; and now he’s acting like a stupid manchild. He’s a cheating, boundary ignoring dick.

Original poster
MsPegasus · 05/07/2019 10:13

If he changed it and she contacted him then I'd know he'd given her it himself, then I would know he hasn't changed and still wants contact - that was my rationale.

I would have found out because she'd have definitely told me eventually to drop him in it, she knows me and enjoyed sticking the knife in.

I think I was clutching at straws really and the issue is the fact he's done it in the first place.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsPegasus · 05/07/2019 10:20

I agree the children have made the relationship not a total waste of time, the sad part is his behaviour has made me a depressed anxious mum for the best part of our youngests life and contributed to my PND which made me not the best person I could have been, for them.

I hate him to be honest.

OP posts:
Pinkmalinky · 05/07/2019 10:21

Blocking is fine but you can still access the block list to unblock then reblock as and when it suits. Plus, as the OW has actually done, you can always call or text from someone else’s phone. I blocked my abusive ex but he would phone from other people’s phones and even used a phone box a couple of times. Changing your number is the easiest way to eradicate all contact although yes, it is a pain to do it.

I’m glad you’ve decided to LTB. I understand why people try to make it work after being cheated on but I think the trust will always an issue.

Original poster
MsPegasus · 05/07/2019 10:29

Even though she was blocked she could still call from her mobile so long as she put 141 in front of his number, and he can't block withheld numbers because of his job.

It was the only thing I felt would bring me some peace and reassurance but clearly my MH isn't as important as him not being inconvenienced.

Looking forward to better days when I'm rid of him but the atmosphere in here is awful in the meantime.

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 05/07/2019 10:41

But what’s the point of him changing his number? He could just give her the new one. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
MsPegasus · 05/07/2019 10:43

He could have yes but if he did I'd find out about it then know nothing has changed and could have left with no regrets.

I'm doing that now anyway but yeah, that was my thinking.

OP posts:
NeatFreakMama · 05/07/2019 10:47

I'm so sorry, it sounds awful for you.

I do agree though with you that he should just change the phone. It's hardly a big ask is it to keep his family together? It's also not unreasonable or controlling from you after what he's done, so don't let him make you feel that.

You agreed on set conditions and he hasn't done it, he let you down that's the bottom line on it.

Stay strong, sounds like you're doing the right thing x

Original poster
MsPegasus · 05/07/2019 11:07

Thank you x

I'm backing my decision one hundred percent, he can sod off and do as he pleases

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 05/07/2019 11:15

Absolutely he's been gaslighting you. Absolutely, he doesn't give a shit about doing whatever it takes to get you back. Absolutely he's not wanting to change his number. Absolutely, you're doing the right thing.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 05/07/2019 11:43

Agree with other PPs - this isn't gaslighting.

Gaslighting is where he's trying to manipulate you into believing something you know is untrue (eg, that he never agreed to change his number).

What he's doing is just dragging his feet.

While it's not quite as underhand and duplicitous as gaslighting, i think you're right to walk away.

Jabbercocky · 05/07/2019 11:45

On a practical level, changing the phone number wouldn’t have made much difference in their ability to contact each other. There is always email and social media and you don’t say he had to shut those accounts down. If you had, he would likely have resented this sense of overbearing control - it’s not, it’s you trying to re-establish a sense of safety and he should have been willing to foster that.
Take comfort that his response (reluctance to making what seem like minor changes for the sake of your sanity) is a common one in these situations. It’s not personal, it’s the default mindset of people that are suffering from a heady cocktail of emotions that include: grief at the end of their affair, resentment towards their partner for perceived slights that caused the affair, shame and embarrassment, free floating anger at a range of things, frustration that they are on the moral low ground for what seems like forever and possibly depression that they never wanted this sh!tstorm in the first place - they were just too immature not to realise the inevitability of their actions. Feeling a loss of autonomy and acceding power to someone who is (righteously) angry, is not psychologically comfortable.
Don’t let that change your opinion of him though: you no wanna do the time, you no do the crime.