Is this gas lighting? Post affair DH

[MsPegasus]

Last year ago my DH slept with another woman after months of having an emotional affair through the phone. We have young children and I wanted to keep the family together so after separating for around 4 weeks I agreed to take him back, under a handful of conditions. (Counselling, total transparency, not contacting the OW, him changing his mobile number so he would be uncontactable to the OW)

He agreed to all conditions and AFAIK has had no contact with her (he probably has) but he has been dragging his feet about changing his number ever since I asked him to do it.

Every month I'll ask him why he hasn't done it yet and he gets defensive saying he doesn't want to have to sort out all the admin of changing his number, it's too much faff. He'll lose numbers. He doesn't want to have to write all the numbers down and text his friends and co workers the new number. It's hard work.

We argue some more and then he resorts to being infantile and saying "fine I'll do it and the only person who will have the number is you, I wont even give it to my damn family"

I've never implied anything of the sort and reiterate that the only person I don't want knowing his number is her. I'm not controlling, have never told him what he can and can't do, changing his number was a condition under which I agreed to give the marriage another go.

Cue more moaning from him "I'll just snap the SIM card up then and not have a fucking phone" then more childish defensiveness, going in a mood, then him finally saying ok I'm sorry I'm going to do it this Friday.

Friday comes and goes, another month passes, same conversation ensues another 3 times over the month, more stupid defensiveness, ridiculous answers then an agreement it will be done at the end of the week. Rinse and repeat. Again and again.

Now you needn't tell me to LTB because that's exactly what I'm doing, ive had enough of his bullshit.

But has he been gaslighting me? Is this what gaslighting is?

I feel like I'm losing my marbles every time I bring it up after yet again he moves the goal posts. He makes me feel like I'm the unreasonable one, the controlling one.

Am I? Or was this a reasonable condition of trying to make the marriage work after an affair.

I had a very short affair with a co-worker. My OH hasn’t found out and there’s no reason why he should, but I want to try and work on my relationship and cant do that with someone else on my mind. We’ve blocked each other and agreed not to get in touch and both of us are keeping to that (we’re in education, it’s also v easy to avoid each other for a few months entirely).

I WANT to try to work through the problems in my relationship. I’m obviously at fault here and the bad guy, but am also doing it of my own volition. Even without my OH knowing I feel guilty and know I have a lot of work to do, and am trying my hardest to repair the damage I’ve done. He’s been found out and can’t be arsed to do the very basic things required. Come on...

Leave now, don't be me. Thought it's better the devil you know, stay for kids, blah blah. Ended up with 2 STI's, one permanent, and broke. Wish I'd done what youre doing at 25, I'm now 40 and stuffed.

I'm sorry he did so much damage to your life Theyroam I suspected mine had given me an STD but fortunately it wasn't. At 40 you still have so much in terms of a future to rebuild yourself so don't feel as though it's all over for you anytime soon.

I wish he had the same remorse as you have Cursed but I think in my his case he'd still be at it now if he wasn't found out. I'm seeing now that he doesn't have much humanity about him. He's inherently selfish, a terrible communicator and most importantly dishonest.

Alot of good points you've made jabber.

It's hard not to take it personally because it feels very personal but I'm starting to see alot of his reaction is about him and not me.

Balls to him I say

Balls to him indeed. Monogamy is hard, and not everyone is good at it...i tend to think small infidelities happen a lot more than we think because they aren't found out and people don't talk about them (I've always thought this...it's not a new thing to justify my behaviour...). But it fucks things up, and it fucks up your head - both the person cheating and the person cheated on if they find out about it. And this does sound like it was small, either. You have to own your mistakes, and try to fix them - and that's doubly true when your partner knows, and the trust is openly broken. You are right, he's gaslighting you, and he's a dick. Balls to him indeed.

Sorry, does not sound like it was a small infidelity.

Changing his number wont stop him contacting her ...if he wanted to
The only way to move forward is if you feel confident it wont happen again , you could easily check his phone or bills

It was the only thing I felt would bring me some peace and reassurance but clearly my MH isn't as important as him not being inconvenienced.

He should be doing everything possible to reassure you and bring you peace of mind, he's choosing not to and that says such a lot about him.

You're such a strong woman and should be so proud of yourself, you aren't going to put up with his nasty behaviour- good for you!

Ridiculous to think him changing his phone number is going to make any difference at all. Any number of ways they could still keep in contact including “here’s my new number” from either party

If you’re hanging your marriage on this you need a rethink imo

Do you want him inconvenienced to prove his love?

I was a terrible girlfriend in my late teens (before I knew DH) and I'm ashamed to admit I would cheat in relationships and think nothing of it. Young carefree and non committal like most teenagers.

All of that changed once I met somebody I wanted to settle down and have children with (DH) and I wouldn't have dreamed of betraying him.

If I went against my better judgement and ever did (hypothetically) then I know I'd go above and beyond to make it right and do whatever he felt nessecary for his peace of mind, he doesn't afford me the same prioritization.

It's all over now as far as I'm concerned, I just need to let go of the anger and move forward on my own.

I've built this number business up in my mind as such a huge thing and an insult to the effort I've put in to reconciling.

I agree he could have contacted her in other ways but he knows she's malicious and would tell me eventually if he gave her his new number, at which point I would have known he's still full of shit and going behind my back.

He's clearly not sorry. The inconvenience of changing a number is nothing, he should have been willing to move heaven & earth to help you move forward with your marriage after what he's done.

He's trying to make her believe that she's unreasonable and controlling and that what he's doing is perfectly fine. It's putting her off kilter and has terribly confused her to the extent that she needed to ask here whether his manifestly unreasonable and obnoxious behaviour is actually ok and whether she's in the wrong.

That's a whole lotta gaslighting.

I know how you feel OP. I found out about a very old infatuation/EA , someone I knew too, although she had moved abroad and was rarely in touch he just wouldn’t take her off FB friends, I didn’t think I should have to insist, he should have the manners to do it, but he didn’t, do a year later I removed her myself . I don’t think he wanted her to know that I knew about their ‘friendship’ and hence the reluctance. Strangely she did contact him via messenger about six months after and ask why she was no longer a friend , he just said it was an error and he no longer used it much , I think she probably got the hint, I was promptly defriended by her the very same night

I'm sorry you discovered your husband had been having an emotional affair User, and I'm sorry he acted so shitty afterwards like my DH.

We've been rowing since last night and I've finally told him I'm going. I can't stay in such a toxic environment where I'm made to feel like I'm losing the plot, it's not right for the DC to be exposed to this.

Of course now he's saying he's going to change his number Monday, how many times have I heard that?

Too little too late I'm afraid mate

When I found myself in a similar position as you, I begged my other half to throw away the two presents her AP had bought her: a book and a CD. It took her 9 weeks to comply and every day I found them still there the rage and pain compounded in me.
The odd thing is she changed her cellphone number the second she was asked! Go figure.

Here’s my take: for errant spouses, affairs mean something. They often say they don’t but they always do and that something might not be their love for the AP (often I see it is not) what they are in love with is the freedom, the sense of thrill and adventure, the exhilaration of transgression and the buzz they feel from breaking free of a rut they may feel they have been in. These tokens they find hard to give up are tied to the emotions the affair stirred in them, not necessarily the emotions the AP stirred in them. They are in mourning for what they have lost and such token are meaningful to them.
Maybe this is why he sees giving up his number as pointless, because it is not tied to his feelings for the AP/the experience and therefore doesn’t see why you are “getting hysterical” about this particular point.
That said, if he could look inside your head and see what this meant to you, he could have no excuse but to comply.

I can confirm this: 16 years after my partner’s affair, I still bitterly resent her not throwing that book and CD away when it was obvious how much pain I was and she still cannot explain why she didn’t do it.

Hope this helps.

Can I be honest, changing his number isn't the issue really. If he/she were in contact he would just give her the new number. Or they could be contacted through social media.

The big problem here is why?! Why he won't change it, why do you need him to change it. Will it make you trust him more? Is he aware of this? Does changing his number make any difference in the grand scheme of things?

I never get the point of blocking if I'm honest. As that means he still has her number in your phone. Please keep that in mind. It's in his WhatsApp blocked list. It's in his normal blocked list. It's very very easy to access

OP, my exH also agreed to change his number, and did it very quickly. I found out later that he had given the OW (emotional affair) his new number within a week.

So don’t waste time hoping for this, well done for saying enough is enough.

Thank you Jabber, it really does make perfect sense and it is helpful. I can tell you've really explored the psych behind the affair.

Because of how determined I was to make things work I could have forgiven it taking him 8-9 weeks to comply with the number change but he's took the royal mick out of me for well over a year.

He agrees to do it and then completely avoids it until I bring it up again then we row, he makes stupid remarks then agrees to do it. Rinse and repeat.

After what he did to our family I'd have never predicted that something as small (not to me) as changing his number would be the straw that broke the camel's back.

Coincidentally there was a present she got him too, it took him a few weeks to throw that out but he's hanging on to the number for dear life. The mind boggles

Lifegoes, I did feel as though it would help me to rebuild trust with him yes. The way I saw it was that she would be totally out of the picture and I didn't need to worry about her contacting him when he was at work. He rejected calls when he was at home but I couldn't be sure he was doing the same when away from me.

Him changing his number would have in my mind shown me that he was commited to severing all contact.

He doesn't use social media by the way, although there's always the possibility he could go behind my back and create an account I've always took him at face value when he said he doesn't use it.

I did, until recently, believe he had no intention to contact her - but was always weary of the fact she may still be trying to contact him.

I realise this makes me look stupid now.

I suppose in hindsight I was never able to trust him enough after the AF because if I did then I wouldn't be so worked up about a possible line of communication being open.

I'm sorry you experienced similar SagAloojah, yes it wouldn't surprise me if DH did eventually change his number and then do the same.

I think the reason he's stalled is because he knows that if he does change the number, and she gets it and I find out, I'll then have concrete evidence that he's in touch with her. Whereas at the moment he's on the number he's always had, unless I saw correspondence I couldn't prove it.

Changing his number leaves him open to being found out, If he is indeed in touch or wants to be in the future.

That's my take on it. I could be wrong.

MsPegasus, sounds like you have him sussed.

When you say transparency, does that mean access to his phone?

My exH refused to let me anywhere near his phone even after he changed the number and it was permanently glued to him. That was a sigh that he was still at it.

I've never actually checked his phone, I think that's my subconscious trying to protect me from being hurt further. It's almost like me not wanting to see anything that confirms yep he's still a bastard.

Funnily enough I was sat on the loo the other day (sorry tmi) and my DS came toddling in with his phone and handed it to me. DH was asleep so I could have looked but couldn't bring myself to, self preservation.

I know it should work in the opposite way but he's hurt me that badly I feel as if I found out there was more it would tip me over the edge and my MH is quite fragile at the minute.

Glad you're rid of the prick SagAloojah, I too am looking forward to brighter days

By transparency I said he was to tell me every single time she tried to contact him or if he saw her out anywhere, if people were contacting him on her behalf.

All a bit stupid really isn't it. As if I could trust him to be honest.

She probably wasn't the first and wouldn't have been the last anyway, he's shown himself to be exactly the type of man he is. A shit head.

Hes a self absorbed, excessively extroverted and flirtatious selfish individual. Picture the sort who would sit in the pub with friends making crass remarks about passing attractive women.

Yes he's a shit head and I'm well rid.

People who have affairs are scum, whether male or female, there's no excuse.
They are never sorry and if not caught will justify it to themselves some how to alleviate the guilt.
They usually reckon they'll work on the problems in their relationship, but they are living with a lie. i don't know how they can sleep at night, it speaks volumes of their lack of morals. The spouse usually finds out too in the end.