Is this gas lighting? Post affair DH

[MsPegasus]

Last year ago my DH slept with another woman after months of having an emotional affair through the phone. We have young children and I wanted to keep the family together so after separating for around 4 weeks I agreed to take him back, under a handful of conditions. (Counselling, total transparency, not contacting the OW, him changing his mobile number so he would be uncontactable to the OW)

He agreed to all conditions and AFAIK has had no contact with her (he probably has) but he has been dragging his feet about changing his number ever since I asked him to do it.

Every month I'll ask him why he hasn't done it yet and he gets defensive saying he doesn't want to have to sort out all the admin of changing his number, it's too much faff. He'll lose numbers. He doesn't want to have to write all the numbers down and text his friends and co workers the new number. It's hard work.

We argue some more and then he resorts to being infantile and saying "fine I'll do it and the only person who will have the number is you, I wont even give it to my damn family"

I've never implied anything of the sort and reiterate that the only person I don't want knowing his number is her. I'm not controlling, have never told him what he can and can't do, changing his number was a condition under which I agreed to give the marriage another go.

Cue more moaning from him "I'll just snap the SIM card up then and not have a fucking phone" then more childish defensiveness, going in a mood, then him finally saying ok I'm sorry I'm going to do it this Friday.

Friday comes and goes, another month passes, same conversation ensues another 3 times over the month, more stupid defensiveness, ridiculous answers then an agreement it will be done at the end of the week. Rinse and repeat. Again and again.

Now you needn't tell me to LTB because that's exactly what I'm doing, ive had enough of his bullshit.

But has he been gaslighting me? Is this what gaslighting is?

I feel like I'm losing my marbles every time I bring it up after yet again he moves the goal posts. He makes me feel like I'm the unreasonable one, the controlling one.

Am I? Or was this a reasonable condition of trying to make the marriage work after an affair.

OP, if he had been truly remorseful and serious about rebuilding trust, he would have changed his number immediately. Instead, he has intentionally defied this condition and has even treated you with contempt when you’ve pulled him up on it.

You set this reasonable boundary, but you’ve let him stomp on it month after month. You’ve absolutely done the right thing by saying his time is up.

I think he hasn’t changed his phone number because he can’t be arsed, proving he has no respect for your relationship or MH.
You say you’ve wasted your best years on him - you’re wrong - they’re waiting for you - ditch the bastard and go and grab them.

You say you’ve wasted your best years on him you’re wrong they’re waiting for you ditch the bastard and go and grab them
Omg this!

I understand why you want him to change his number and it's not a big deal. The fact it's an issue to him says more. I just wanted to double check the reasons for you doing it.

I always think when something like this happens he should be doing everything he can to prove you can trust him again, to fill you full of confidence and love. Not give you more doubt. The fact he isn't doing that, tells you everything

That whole " I won't even give my number to my family..."
Not sure if its gas lighting, but definitely manipulative.

He's tried saying part of the reason he didn't want to change it is because the number is linked to a loan he's paying back and he doesn't remember the password to log in, such bullshit. It's very easy to contact the company and give them a new contact number.

He got as close as buying a sim card a few months ago, put it in his phone to set up then said he couldn't activate it, took it out and didn't bother trying again.

If he went off with somebody else now he'd be doing me a favour because he isn't my problem anymore. I'm so angry though, mostly at myself for allowing it to drag on and not sent him packing after the first week of not fulfilling his promises.

God yes so manipulative, he always does that.

If I come to him with something perfectly reasonable and he doesn't want to do it, or i try to address something that's bothering me but puts him in a bad light, he'll spout off the most childish and petulant rubbish.

I suspect it's to throw me off balance and take my attention away from the problem at hand.

The last few times I've tried to address the matter the conversation has been lead away from the sim card and ended up with him feeling sorry for himself about being estranged from his first born child (totally his doing by the way not the mother's)

Utter utter shit bag in all senses.

He does sound manipulative, can I ask why you think the OW is trouble. I know you said about phone calls etc?

And btw I'm not at all saying she's an angel as I don't know the story. But men often try to paint the OW into such a bad light so that it seems he's been hard done by.

Even in dating these days you hear men calling their ex wives etc nutters or awful people. I always think funny how all your ex's are nutters.

I gave her the benefit of the doubt initially and thought he must have span her a line, i contacted her and we had a civil conversation.

Once I took him back after a few weeks apart she sent me some spiteful messages, so as far as I'm concerned she's as much an idiot as he is.

She was likely expecting me to throw the towel in at that point and he'd end up with her.

Changing the number won’t have any effect. If he wants to contact her then he will find a way. You can’t trust him after what he did and speaking from experience this trust won’t return. Stay strong and don’t let him change your mind.

I personally think its gaslighting to try and convince someone that having perfectly reasonable boundaries is controlling. In this case wanting him to follow through on an agreement to change numbers so ow can't contact him is being presented as banning him from having contact with anyone. He's telling her, her reasonable response to him cheating is equivalent to abusive behaviour and he's doing it to stop her challenging him. To me that's gaslighting.

But even if it isn't, it's awful behaviour and you are right to ltb