Clare's law

[Moofreemum1]

Has anyone done it before? Will it be anon and they won't tell the man that I'm inquiring about?

After tonight I am 100% not seeing him any more. Sirens were going off in my mind

Are you okay?

Well done, learn to trust your instinct, it will save you in the end x

Have you done the freedom programme op?

@ramblingem I'm fine he wasn't threatening at all but a lot of what he said set alarms off in my mind. I don't know how to break it off. I'm thinking slowly distance myself and hope he loses interest as he things tonight went well.

I began a programme in the refuge but left because I completed but I've read the online version and get the pattern and cycle of abuse. I've also had counselling too which I think has helped with boundaries and seeing warnings

Thinks*

Sorry about typos! Half asleep!

Always trust your instincts as they're usually right.
Glad you're ending things with him.

You’ve done the right thing.
Your gut exists for a reason

Oh and just tell him you’d prefer to be single for now . Polite and straight to the point .
Do not try slow distancing etc ... no benefit to that - it just makes things harder , you need him gone now on your timings not you hoping his actions will end it .
You need to be taking the lead here

OP, I'm so glad you are listening to your gut on this one. I think it's one of the hardest things to get the hang of if you have been abused previously because abusers always make you think you are overreacting and make you doubt reality by gaslighting you.

I have been in many abusive relationships and ignored that feeling many times to my own detriment. Even small stuff in the beginning, even if it doesnt add up yet, your instincts are telling you something isn't right.

My DS's ex was obsessed with MMA and used to practically cum in his pants when showing videos to my family of people getting their arms snapped (while we all just looked at each other like WTF!). He was very emotionally abusive to my DS and her DC. Also, he clearly think knowing people in prison makes him some sort of hard man and anyone who thinks this is impressive is a complete knobber!

litterbug that's great that his ex reached out to you and you believed her and escaped. I've wanted to reach out to the new victim so many times to warn them but many dont want to hear it because they have already been sold the story that I'm the 'crazy' ex who wants them back (Ha!!).

It's great when women can protect each other.

DS should be DSis

What suddenly happened tonight OP? I think I've missed an update?? @Moofreemum1

Glad you have ended it op. I wish I would of used Claire's law years ago , I met a guy through work and his ex messaged me on FB warning me about him, she had a baby with him and like an idiot i believed him when he painted the picture of disgruntled ex, she also warned me he broke the jaw of his ex wife years earlier and burnt her with an iron and held her under the water in the bath, but she still went on to have the baby with him and begged him to get back together so to me I saw it as it couldn't be true but I see now she was just messed up from him, it was only a couple of years after meeting him the ex wife messaged me too plus another woman and I found the strength to leave him, he was a vile vile man and left me a wreck, he was emotionally abusive and psychically (although not to the extent above) I often read threads on here and wonder if it's about him, if anyone meets a guy from the Merseyside area with a daughter and the initials KCS stay well away

@happyloneparentday the stuff he was saying weren't good. He was slagging off his 2 exes parents saying they were "common". One was scatty and annoying, he didn't like the dad's opinions and questioned when his daughter (the guys ex) got a loan out in her name for the both of them for cars. Said he weren't a family person and I very much am. My ex isolated me from family. I wanted to know if he done drugs and he said he didn't but all of his friends did. I thought you sound like a liar. Every time I spoke about myself he lost Interest but most of the time he was talking. He also said when he was younger he used to smoke drugs and drink alot on his own and said he was a really horrible person but he's now changed and a diff person. I could not wait to get out of there

How do I break it off. He text and said have to let me know if I've done enough for another date

Yes, red flags a plenty OP. Any guy that says he 'used' to be a horrible person is a liar and the disinterest in you when you are talking shows he is completely self centred (narcissistic). Also slagging off ex and family is a huge red flag.

I'm so proud of you OP for seeing these warning signs! If I ever dare to face dating again, I hope I can be as on it as you are!!

I would just say you've realised you aren't a good match and dont want to see him again. Then block and delete. I'm sure you know only too well these type of guys will try to get you back in the relationship at any cost by sweet talking you and if they dont get their way, they turn nasty.

Hopefully because you haven't been dating long he will leave you be.

Remember, you dont owe anyone anything and never fall into the trap of feeling guilty or sorry for them. You have to do what is right for you above anything else and he's a big boy and can handle it.

Also, what a weird thing to say 'have I done enough for another date'. Its almost like he's telling on himself, like has the nice guy act I've been putting on done enough to convince you I'm not the dick I really am.

Lauren don't beat yourself up for not listening to his ex. I'm sure all of us who have been in these relationships have had that story spinned to make us stay. These men are highly manipulative which is why it's so important to listen to your gut.

If anyone meets a BG with 3 DC, links to Eastbourne then run!!!

@jaffacakesaremyfav yeanactually I didn't think of that comment like that. Good point.
Trust me I weren't this.good with red flags. It's only after listening and seeing other people go through stuff in RL and on here that I've learned. The red flags weren't this bad on the 1st two dates. He prob thought he had me and felt more comfortable to start being himself.

Well done for trusting your instincts Moo

I really do believe our gut instincts work to keep us safe, if we listen to them. Will you carry on with the Clare’s law application?

@Jaffacakesaremyfave....you are correct. When she sent me the text I immediately called him out on it and there was a barrage of excuses and begging for me to stay. I did for a short while but it took a few weeks for the checks from Clares law to come through. Within 4 weeks of me having the Clares law disclosure and me blocking him completely, he was posting pictures of Facebook of his new squeeze going on holiday. I tried to trace her but couldn't as wanted to warn her. The upshot of this is this relationship failed in the same time frame as mine When she finished with him, he had the cheek to send me a text via a new phone number saying "are you happy now?". That was over a year ago now thank goodness. I wish other women would listen and heed warnings from exes, yes some are callous warnings with no substance but it is our duty of care to ourselves to check. Anyway, well done to the OP for listening to your gut...you did good.

Litterbird (autocorrect fail Lauren) they really can talk their way out of anything cant they. Something else you said struck me. One of my narc exes had videos of his ex acting 'crazy' which he said at the time were because she attacked him regularly and he needed them as evidence for the police. Also she used to ring him when he was with me begging him back and crying and he would be so cool and collected when telling her it was over.

Turns out he had been totally headfucking her for months and she became quite mentally Ill and stopped working in her professional job. She had kids too. I feel so bad that I was supporting that dickhead whilst he had just destroyed this poor woman's life. I read this comes under the new coercive control law where abusive men drive their partners mad and then film the fallout. Its sick!!

Also, never feel bad they moved on so quick after ending the relationship. They are just looking for narc supply and sadly the new partner will be treated exactly the same (as happened in your case).

I wish there was an easily searchable database where you could find out before you even meet that they are abusive but I guess it would be subject to data protection laws and there would be some false reporting.

Not all of them get convicted of their crimes and therefore Claire's Law cannot identify them all. That's why it's so important to learn the early red flags and that gut instinct again.

I'm still going ahead with Clare's law. I want to know if he has any stalking convictions or anything like that. Especially with a young son, I want to keep us safe especially since what I went through in my past.
About a year ago someone in my area started a fb group about men to avoid in our area. Girls were posting pictures of their battered faces and told others to stay away from xxx. It got taken down quite quickly. I know some girls on there could just be bitter and making false accusations but it also showed how many horrible men are out there.

It's horrible to know there are so many men out there like this. When I did the freedom programme at my local womens centre (and I live in a relatively small town) there were over 40 women crammed into the room. It runs every 12 weeks too so the actual numbers are so much higher and these are just the women who are able or willing to access the course.

Abuse of women is an epidemic but still seems to be relatively unspoken about generally in society and little is done to start addressing the problem in schools when I think this is when secondary children should be learning about it. I wish someone had taught me the signs of abuse at that age.

Make sure you dont tell the police you are no longer in a relationship because you can only do Claire's law when you are still in one. At least you will know what to prepare yourself for if he has previous convictions of stalking.

I have one ex who harassed me for 6 months after ending our relatively short relationship. Because it took more than 6 months to process his laptop from the date of arrest (due to it being low priority) and despite the stack of evidence I had against him, they now can no longer charge him because time has run out. I'm really upset about it because his next victim wont be able to do Claire's law and find anything. The police have said they can issue a harrassment notice which should come up in searches but it's not an admittance of guilt and I know he will just spin the crazy ex bullshit story.

I still dont think these crimes are taken seriously enough because many women who are murdered by ex partners had reported stalking and harrassment to the police.

@jaffacakesaremyfave that's awful that nothing ever come of it. I also feel the police don't take stalking and harassment serious enough. It's clear they often go together with violence towards exes. And I also agree there are so many women it happens to. These are the ones we know about but that are so many that don't dare speak out. It actually angers me so much, before when I went through abuse I was so naive but my eyes have been opened and I have so much anger for abuse towards us.