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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This really isn't right is it?

79 replies

Wakemeupnowplease · 04/07/2019 12:11

I guess I'm looking for a massive wake up call, to help me just end this once and for all.

Been seeing each other 3 years in a LDR, complicated as I have young children who I want to protect. I know he isn't married etc, lives with his parents. These are some of the behaviours which have me thinking I should walk away but i have no idea what is stopping me.

Often cancels meeting at the last minute, when I have arranged childcare etc...
Drinks every day, heavier than most
Texts obsessively sometimes but then not at all on others
Lies about things he is doing and forgets the lies
Borrows money, but then excessively spends occasionally too
We do have a lot of shared interests and he can make me feel wonderful

So as not to drip feed he is late 40s I am early 40s.
He has no car, lives with his parents and would like one day to move to me (allegedly).

After yet another let down I know that he is awful and I should walk away but I dont... I should value myself more but I feel paralysed.

I guess I just want it pointing out as bluntly as possible how terrible this is.

OP posts:
SpookyMulder · 04/07/2019 12:12

It's awful.

He's a loser.

You can do better.

Easily.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 04/07/2019 12:15

You and your children deserve better than this. Don't let them grow up thinking this is the norm of how men treat women in a relationship.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 04/07/2019 12:15

Dear God, have some self respect. You deserve so much better than this.

Blunt enough? X

Original poster
Wakemeupnowplease · 04/07/2019 12:20

You are right. I know you are right but I can't stop him being in my head. I'm driving myself insane with this, I'm so stupid

OP posts:
SapatSea · 04/07/2019 12:21

Look at that list. If it was your sister/a friend what would you tell them to do?

Run for the hills is my advice. He is too erratic to have around your DC, he lies, is probably an alcoholic and he is profligate woth money. He can't function as an independent adult (lives with parents etc). Please, please your children do not need this guy in their lives. He will only bring drama, tourmoil, stress and heartache.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 04/07/2019 12:23

You can do better. Dump him.

FetchezLaVache · 04/07/2019 12:23

What would you advise one of your children to do in this situation?

Do that.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/07/2019 12:25

He's 40 and lives with his PARENTs, has no car, drinks too much, tells you lies..

Sounds like a right catch.

Do not inflict this man on your children. He has cocklodger written all over him.

Raise your standards for God's sake.

chilling19 · 04/07/2019 12:26

Ex was like this - erratic, unavailable, unable to function independently. Realised, after al-anon attendance, that this is typical behaviour. Very unlikely to change.

Original poster
Wakemeupnowplease · 04/07/2019 12:37

He is awful isn't he. I am just worried that I will be totally alone if his messages and contact stopped. Even if I was the one to stop it...

FFS I really am not stupid but I am here

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/07/2019 12:41

I am just worried that I will be totally alone

What's wrong with being single? I've been single for much of my adult life (now in a relationship FWIW) and have really enjoyed it.

Much better to be single and happy, than saddled with some loser. Please cut your loses now and spend a bit of time working on your self-esteem.

Original poster
Wakemeupnowplease · 04/07/2019 12:46

Thank you all.
When I say alone, I genuinely mean with no one ever just saying hi outside of work...
I dont even know where to begin with my self esteem.

Other things which dont help.
He uses words incorrectly trying to sound clever (petty but annoying)
He seems angry with the world
He constantly puts down his ex wife
I think he is depressed

I think he is making me depressed.
It really is a nightmare isn't it

OP posts:
sadkoala · 04/07/2019 12:50

What a catch OP.

Late forties, heavy drinker and compulsive liar who still lives with his parents and can't manage finances and is soon hoping to move in with you so he can be a leech on your finances and mental health.

Really OP? You need to find your self worth and LTB. Why on earth do women stick with these losers?
What would you advise your friend if she was in your shoes?

Original poster
Wakemeupnowplease · 04/07/2019 12:52

I guess I would hope a friend would never be me...

I know this... I don't believe it do I, or it would be easy to walk away

Why dont I. What is wrong with me?

OP posts:
janaus50s · 04/07/2019 12:52

You deserve better. Your children deserve better.

SapatSea · 04/07/2019 12:59

I think he is making me depressed. He will do and you need to stay focused and strong for your DC not be codependent with an alcoholic. He will bring you down and what will happen to your children??

If you don't have a babysitter can you join a single mums group to get some social life and chat outside of work or could you cultivate some work colleagues as friends ? You know he is is bad for your family, go no contact and build your life without him.

supercali77 · 04/07/2019 13:12

"Why dont I. What is wrong with me?"

You've given your own reason - You have low self esteem and you're afraid of being alone

Some patterns stick out - he occasionally makes you feel wonderful. He's hot and cold. (Texts loads or not at all, cancels last minute).

The hot and cold thing will leave you wanting someone (it's just human nature) despite the fact that he is not someone you actually want on paper. Look up intermittent reinforcement. It can get you hooked - it might help to think of it as an addiction

supercali77 · 04/07/2019 13:13

And I agree with PP - increase your social circle as much as you can now. Find any and all possible ways you can build your self esteem outside of his influence.

Isleepinahedgefund · 04/07/2019 13:16

Can you give us a like of what you perceive the positives of this relationship to be?

Isleepinahedgefund · 04/07/2019 13:16

*list

HollowTalk · 04/07/2019 13:17

Oh god, he's awful! Get away from his as fast as you can. Have a look at Meet Up to see whether there are groups in your area that you could join.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/07/2019 13:21

A loving relationship should make you happy. If he was right for you, it wouldn't even cross your mind to dump him.

Original poster
Wakemeupnowplease · 04/07/2019 13:22

Intermittent reinforcement has just smacked me in the face @supercali77 thank you

The list of positives:
We've know each other a long time (we were friends who lost touch for 20yrs)
He likes the same things as me (music etc...)
He sometimes is really interested in me
He does make me laugh when we are together
He will compliment me

For goodness sake that list is totally pathetic isn't it.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 04/07/2019 13:34

@Wakemeupnowplease Yep - it's eye opening. Considered the most powerful behavioural motivator.....Did he start off mostly very positive? Then it diminished down and down and down. Became more and more unpredictable.

CaptSkippy · 04/07/2019 13:36

OP, have you got no aquaintances through hobbies or volunteer work?

Because if that's the case, you need to get on that. You talked about childcare earlier, so that means getting a babysitter once or twice a week is an option?

I'd say you need to build up a life of your own if a relationship is at the moment the only thing that prevents you from being lonely.
Futhermore, being alone is not the same thing as being lonely.