OP, I'm going to explain exactly why I think he's a narc and please pay very close attention to the motivations behind his actions. This reveals his true character and the way he thinks about himself and the world around him.
Often cancels meeting at the last minute, when I have arranged childcare etc...
Drinks every day, heavier than most
Texts obsessively sometimes but then not at all on others
1.Lies about things he is doing and forgets the lies. All narcissists are prolific liars. They will lie about anything and everything and his motivation is to keep you buying in to the false image (the mask) he is showing you. I genuinely wouldnt believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Your whole relationship with this man is built on what he wants you to see and you dont really know him at all (scary!)
- Borrows money, but then excessively spends occasionally too. All narcs are entitled. He believes the world owes him because he has a huge inflated ego. That is also why he spends on himself excessively because he thinks 'he's worth it' and you're not. I bet he never pays you back or at least makes you ask for the money back instead of offering it. I doubt he spends the money you give him on what he says he needs it for. It is very likely funding his other narcissistic supply/ies (all narcs cheat).
3.We do have a lot of shared interests and he can make me feel wonderful. This isn't even a positive because everything he tells you is to make you buy into the false image so that you stay in the relationship and he continues to get supply from you (money, sex, ego boost). Not one iota of his being cares about you, he lacks emapthy and is incapable of having a reciprocal loving relationship with anyone. I bet there are also the put downs disguised as jokes etc when he is devaluing you.
- He has no car, lives with his parents and would like one day to move to me (allegedly). Again this comes back to his entitlement and irresponsibility (all narcs are tragically irresponsible with money, commitments work etc.) He feels he is above working and is quite happy to freeload off his parents without a care in the world. He is lining you up to be the next person he free loads off (please do not fall for it)
- He stands you up or flakes out. The fact that you are long distance makes me think you are not his primary source of supply. I can almost guarantee when he flakes he is with his other woman (he probably has several) and winning and dining them with the money you lend him so they also fall for his bullshit.
- He is an alcoholic. Nearly all narcs are dependent on something (alcohol, drugs, sex etc). Deep down inside he actually has no self esteem and loathes himself although he is not able to really access and process those feelings so he hides behind alcohol and projecting all of his problems onto other people (again he cannot be held responsible for his actions) and relies on everyone around him to inflate his false ego.
Because you dont live together, I guarantee you do not know the true nature of this man and you do not know what he is capable of. Narcissists are truly vindictive and will punish you if you cross them. You only know the side of him he present to you.
If that's not enough to put you off for good, please don't think your children are not affected by this relationship (even if they never meet him). He is slowly destroying your sense of self worth and with that, he is taking pieces of you away bit by bit. This will affect your ability to parent, your DC will know you are unhappy and they will very likely grow up to model your codependent behaviours and end up with abusive partners too
I had 3 narc relationships in the space of 2 years and I have seen their wrath first hand.
Narc 1 stalked me for 6 months after I ended our short relationship and then tried to frame me for extortion to the police. Hes awaiting charge
Narc 2 harassed me for several months and tried to get me fired from my job by emailing lies about me to my employer. He was charged but failed to turn up in court and there is currently a warrant out for his arrest
Narc 3 stole £3000 and I have had to spend 100s trying to recover my money through the civil courts. He will never pay me back
Please dont think your narc is any different. They all have scarily similar patterns of behaviour and all my exes showed every trait I have listed for you above.
I learned the hard way how dangerous being a codependent is because you are so vulnerable to being abused without even realising.
Please completely cut contact with this man, block him and never look back. You then can start healing from your codependency which when you do, you will be so repulsed by what you've put up with