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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This really isn't right is it?

79 replies

Wakemeupnowplease · 04/07/2019 12:11

I guess I'm looking for a massive wake up call, to help me just end this once and for all.

Been seeing each other 3 years in a LDR, complicated as I have young children who I want to protect. I know he isn't married etc, lives with his parents. These are some of the behaviours which have me thinking I should walk away but i have no idea what is stopping me.

Often cancels meeting at the last minute, when I have arranged childcare etc...
Drinks every day, heavier than most
Texts obsessively sometimes but then not at all on others
Lies about things he is doing and forgets the lies
Borrows money, but then excessively spends occasionally too
We do have a lot of shared interests and he can make me feel wonderful

So as not to drip feed he is late 40s I am early 40s.
He has no car, lives with his parents and would like one day to move to me (allegedly).

After yet another let down I know that he is awful and I should walk away but I dont... I should value myself more but I feel paralysed.

I guess I just want it pointing out as bluntly as possible how terrible this is.

OP posts:
MrsMozartMkII · 04/07/2019 13:37

The thing about nightmares is you do wake up from them and life tends, on the whole, to be so much better when you do.

Can you really imagine the rest if your life with this man? And if yes, does it make your heart sing?

Whackitupto200 · 04/07/2019 13:44

How embarrassing for you. Is he really the best you can do? Does he even have any good points? How can you fancy him when he’s such a loser?

supercali77 · 04/07/2019 13:47

@Whackitupto200 be kind

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 04/07/2019 13:59

He sounds like a narcissist OP. Read up on it and see if it rings true.

This man doesnt give a shit about you and your 'good' list really is pathetic. It's the bare minimum to even have a friendship.

You know deep down you need to bin him before you get more deeply involved.

supercali77 · 04/07/2019 14:01

^^ I agree - look up covert/vulnerable narcissism.

Original poster
Wakemeupnowplease · 04/07/2019 14:12

Thank you all... I needed all of this... I'm reading. I'm trying to take it in and yet I'm sitting here desperately hoping he messages to prove me wrong. This thread has to work, I need to read all this

OP posts:
Original poster
Wakemeupnowplease · 04/07/2019 14:18

@supercali77 yes... he did chase me relentlessly to begin with. I was newly single, young difficult 18mth old and pretty low

OP posts:
loobyloo1234 · 04/07/2019 14:22

OP - you will be lonely when you finish this. BUT only for a very short while. And then you'll feel like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders

None of the reasons you have given are enough to stay with him. He would not be a good role model for your children either if he drinks. Time to move on

supercali77 · 04/07/2019 14:34

@Wakemeupnowplease Don't beat yourself up - You're not the first person this has happened to because his behaviours are part of the predictable playbook of Commitmentphobes/Manipulators.

This isn't about you - that is what you need to really get into your head. Not you or any other woman will never change enough, love enough, or be enough for him to not be like this. How do I know? Because the information you've given suggests an emotionally manipulative liar who can turn on the charm sometimes. This isn't something only you will see.....this is a character flaw a mile wide. This will be his MO.

Have you ever spoken to his ex-wife? I bet she has some stories to tell.

Stop taking responsibility for the cold periods, the fear is your ego desperately seeking validation from a source that periodically and randomly witholds it making you more and more desperate for it. It's an addiction and to get over it you have to go cold turkey. I mean - No Contact. By doing that - you'll heal. You'll begin to see him for what he is and what he's doing and how you are absolutely not responsible for that.

notacooldad · 04/07/2019 14:37

I am just worried that I will be totally alone
Being single can be fantastic and in your case liberating. Just imagine, if you are single now, you wouldn't have to put up with this sad teaser!!

Original poster
Wakemeupnowplease · 04/07/2019 15:57

Liberating would be good

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 04/07/2019 16:09

Hi OP. I dated someone like this last year. I wasn't long out of an awful LTR so wasn't in the best place. He reeled me in by love-bombing me, making me feel amazing and telling me all the things i wanted to hear.
He turned out to be an unemployed alcoholic who lived with his parents and was a compulsive liar. His goal was probably to move in with me and be able to lounge around being a kept man while 'pretending' to look for work.
Your guy sounds like the very same. Does he have a job? Not that it matters because he generally sounds like a loser.
Even if he had a good reason to be living back home (my current partner is), he doesn't even treat you well. He cancels dates and the disappearing will be him going on a drunken bender!!
Please raise the bar.

Original poster
Wakemeupnowplease · 04/07/2019 16:18

He does work... to make matters worse I am sure he went to work drunk the other day, he wouldn't admit it

OP posts:
Original poster
Wakemeupnowplease · 04/07/2019 16:23

Without meaning to drip feed I do think that the alcohol is a cause. I mean I think he typically drinks around 8pts a day, he will get through a bottle of spirits a night easily. I have seen him drink in the morning.

I know how stupid this all is. I guess I needed to make it real... have other people slap me in the face with the truth... is that a functioning alcoholic.

I am so pleased I have kept my children out of all this. I always felt they were too young to be exposed to someone new

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2019 16:30

Jesus, op. He's in his 40's, lives with his parents, no car, shit with money, AND he drinks too much. The best things you have to say about him is that you like the same music, he makes you laugh, and he pays you compliments sometimes. For fuck's sake, you could say that about half the strangers you cross paths with on the street.

I mean this as nicely as possible, but her your head out of your arse. You KNOW this guy is a world class loser. Get RID and move on.

TixieLix · 04/07/2019 16:36

OP, if you can't do this for yourself then do it for your children. They do not need this waste of space man in their lives. Find a way to end it asap and then spend some time finding ways to build your confidence and self esteem. Above all else do NOT let this man move in to your home. Keep telling yourself "I am worth more than this" because you really are.

mbosnz · 04/07/2019 16:47

OP, can I suggest you make another list?

List the things you like in yourself. Try to see yourself as a friend would. It's just for your eyes only, so don't feel you have to be modest - be big about yourself! Be kind!

You actually sound a pretty neat person. Smart. Insightful. Able to take critical feedback. Caring. A Mum who puts her kids first, and makes sure of things before exposing them. Funny. Can any of those start you off?

You need to like yourself, first and foremost! Smile

moonpiggle · 04/07/2019 16:48

He sounds like an absolute drip. Not attractive at all to be quite frank.

Original poster
Wakemeupnowplease · 04/07/2019 17:06

Ok @mbosnz things I like about me:
Frankly not much, this list wont be long.
I am a good mum who has always put the children first. I wont let them down.
I make my children happy.
I work hard and have a reasonable job.
I think I am capable
I can be fun

That's about it

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 04/07/2019 17:22

Don't let him move in with you.

mbosnz · 04/07/2019 17:22

I reckon you can find a lot more things to like about yourself. If you were kinder to yourself, and more generous to yourself than I think you perhaps are. But that's a good start! Smile

How's about you ask your kids what they like about you? I know it sounds cheesy, but with my kids, when someone is going through a rough patch, when we're at dinner, sometimes I'll ask everyone to say one or two things they like about the person next to them, making sure we mix up who sits next to who. It's rather lovely what people come up with sometimes!

(I was ridiculously pleased to be told I always smell nice. . .)

rosabug · 04/07/2019 17:48

You have to learn to be "totally alone" otherwise you will continue to make shit decisions. If you can't stand to be alone then you have issues that need sorting out before you embark on a relationship.

I am 58 (and alone now) and I'll tell you this: No woman, who is not secure within herself and cannot be alone with herself, should attempt the minefield of men and relationships - you'll just get burned and disappointed time and time again. No man, I'll say it again - no man is going to 'rescue' you. You have to rescue yourself, then proceed with extreme self-respect and caution, know what you want and exit at the very first sign of crap. Because men project their disfunction outwards (onto and into us) - because why sort yourself out or face your own feelings when there are a hundred woman willing to be dumped on and turn themselves inside out for you?

Get real and grow up. How's that for tough?

Original poster
Wakemeupnowplease · 04/07/2019 18:26

@rosabug tough is necessary as well as all the advice!

OP posts:
colouringinpro · 04/07/2019 18:35

Don't do it OP! He's a 40+ year old alcoholic living with his parents! He is awful for you and would be totally terrible for your kids.

I know the the thought of being alone is scary - I'm newly separated. But you can do it. Volunteer with a charity, join a book club or an evening class or sign up to meet up- there's loads of groups near you for people interested in different things.

I think getting rid of this guy once and for all will be good for your self esteem - it will show you you're taking care of yourself and can be brave. Good riddance and good luck.

ThatLibraryMiss · 04/07/2019 19:01

If he's drinking 8 pints and/or a bottle of spirits a day he's an alcoholic and he's not going to be functioning for much longer.

Addiction is a horrible disease and I feel very sorry for anyone who has it, but that doesn't mean you need to get involved in co-dependency. Can you get along to a meeting of Al-Anon? Those people have lived the life you're considering.

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