Coparenting

[DearPru]

Hi everyone,

Sorry, this will be a long one. I’m in a new situation and I’m not sure how to deal with it so was looking to get other people opinions/experiences.

Split up with my ex a few months ago. Not his decision. Mine. We share 2 children and I assumed we would be able to co-parent happily. However he’s becoming more and more difficult by the day. I’ve already been as understanding as possible and think the next step would be visiting a solicitor but I don’t know if this is extreme.

When we initially split up and he moved out, he used 3 weeks of his annual leave immediately after, to ‘get over the split’ He didn’t tell me this and it only came out after I requested he book some time off for the kids holidays. This meant that he had no more holidays left over to take the children during the summer holidays or any other time for that matter.

He works Monday - Friday so I had agreed he would have them at the weekend. Ideally I would like him to have them Friday evening through to Sunday evening but he wasn’t happy with this and said he’d have them Saturday overnight until Sunday. Now he’s changing his mind again and contacting me to say when he will and won’t have them. This weekend for instance, he’s supposed to have them overnight but has said he can’t (won’t say why) but has said he’ll come and take them out Sunday during the day. I’m not happy with this and I’ve told him the same. I don’t think it’s fair that he gets to pick and choose when he has the kids depending what he has on in his personal life. I have no choice when I have my time with the children, they’re my responsibility and I’m happy to have them here but am I wrong in thinking I’m entitled to have free time to myself too? Why do I feel like a babysitting service for him?

I’m already furious that I’ll have no help over the summer holidays and now he's trying to do even less! I don’t want to go down the route of telling him he can’t see them, but if I don’t, he’s going to continue doing what he wants.

Should I visit a solicitor? Would they be able to put something in place that he’d need to stick by? I don’t want to waste my time and money if he’ll just continue doing as he pleases.

Thanks xx

Unfortunately you can’t make some1 spend time with ur dc, he could take you to court if he wanted more/structured time to see his dc, but doesn’t work the other way. It’s a joke of a system! The parent who leaves can just never see his/her dc again if that’s what they want

Basically you can't legally make someone gave their children though legally he can make you have them available for contact.

@Jaffacakebeast & @arnoldbee - thanks for your response.

That’s sad to hear. I’m so disappointed he’s being like this because I know he’s only doing it to make my life more difficult.

I told him if he wants to pick and choose when he see them, then I’ll pick and choose when he can have them (not something I had seriously considered) his response was ‘I don’t need to do anything you say. If I want them, I’ll have them.’

My family have said not to let him see them and to play him at his own game. I don’t want to do this as I don’t think using the children is fair, but if I don’t I’m just expected to fit my life and the kids life round my his demands. It’s infuriating x

If you stopped him seeing the kids would he take you to court for access? That could work out well for you, because then he’d have to stick to what the judge decided, it’s a gamble tho, he could just not bother with court and walk away?

@jaffacakebeast - your right. It is a gamble and also a reason for him to shout ‘she’s keeping the kids from me!’ to anyone who’ll listen.

I wish it hadn’t come to this. It’s so sad x

Yep! The amount of men who just don’t put the time and effort into their kids once they’ve separate from the mother astounds me. It’s disgusting. Don’t even get me started on child maintenance

You could try, pick them up Friday at ... time or don’t bother, then you aren’t stopping him seeing the dc

My family have said not to let him see them and to play him at his own game.
Completely ignore this shit advice

Op you are at the beginning of a long journey with someone who doesn’t sound like he’s going to be very involved. Do what you can but you can’t force him (and wouldn’t want to, for the sake of the children)

Every weekend? But when does that leave you to have quality time with the children?

@jaffacakebeast - yep that’s what I’ve said to him. His response was ‘you won’t pass up an opportunity to get some free time so I’ll pick them up when I want’ He’s right. I don’t get any free time and being here 24/7 with the kids is full on and hard work but I seriously think I’ll need to bite the bullet and stick to my word of not letting him have them to show him I’m serious.

Child maintenance has been tricky as well. He told me what he’d pay the the following month decided it was too much so changed his mind and didn’t pay me anything at all!! I work part time but to expect me to have the job of keeping the kids entertained all summer holidays with no help financially or physically from him is annoying x

@YumyumAndyum - I only work part time. I have the kids all week. One is school age but the other isn’t so I have my time with them during the week with clubs and after school treats. We’re now on summer holidays so scrambling around trying to find things to do.

I’m dreading this long journey ahead. As he didn’t want the split I think he’s going to do as he pleases as a way to make it difficult for me. X

For child maintenance, I'd go straight to the CMS. They backdate your claim to the day you applied, not the day you split, so don't let this go on for months.

Looks like he's getting petty revenge on you by only taking the dcs when it suits him. Best case scenario, he'll get over it and things will settle down. The ideal is to keep it low-conflict. It may be worth asking him to do mediation so you can work out something that works fairly okay for everyone. Court is a last resort.

As others has said, you can't force him to take them. You'll drive yourself mad if you think about fairness - ultimately, the parent who cares most about the children's wellbeing ends up the loser in the short-term - you're stuck with everything the other parent can't be bothered to do. I like to think it means being the winner in the longer-term, as you're the one who ends up with the best relationship with the dcs, once you don't let yourself be poisoned by resentment.

@bibliomania - thank you. I don’t want to go down the court route but I dread to think if this is how he’s behaving now, how bad is he going to be when he meets a new partner?

He paid me £180 for the 2 children for 1 month, which he says is more than enough. A friend told me if I went through the child maintenance people I could end up getting less.

How easy would splitting up be without children in the picture? xx

I go through the Cms 2, the more nights he has the children the less he pays... again might help you out, as far as I know, taking them for a few hours on a Sunday doesn’t lower payments, only overnights

Thanks @jaffacakebeast. I’m going to give them phone today. If he’s choosing when he has the kids I can see if behaving the same when it comes to the maintenance payments ‘oh sorry! Can’t pay this month as I’ve had a unexpected bill’ blah blah blah!x

I would look at a parenting plan ( you can get them on line) ask him to fill one and and you do the same, then try to meet in the middle!.
I agree with what your saying! My ex has taken to to court for child access 4 times I the last year. He hasn't ever consistatly kept to the court order and now he has reduced the amount of time he see the kids. Meant to have them 3 out if the 6 weeks summer holiday, apparently only having them one now. Won't say why etc etc.
To top it off even though we go through cm he hasn't paid anything for the kids for the last 2 months!!! Makes me angry.

@justmeandtheKIDS2 it is frustrating. It should be as fair as possible. I appreciate he works full time and I part time but when I’m not working I’m running around on school runs, after school clubs, getting them organised for the following day. It’s not like the time I’m not working I’m lounging about catching up on telly. Although I think this is what he imagines I’m doing

I hope it never gets as far as the courts but seeing how he’s behaving now it doesn’t fill me with confidence xx

I’d repeat the advice to do mediation. Without knowing the full details of your past relationship history, I can’t say if he’s always been a twonk or if this is a lashing out as a result of him reacting badly to you choosing to break up the family. Even if the latter, it doesn’t justify not trying to be a bigger person about things and recognising the kids need to be put first. That said, getting lawyers in always escalates things. It should be a last resort. As others have said, approach professionally, as you would someone at work and suggest it would be conducive - for the kids sake - to set up a parenting plan and that the best way to do this would be via a third party mediator who won’t take sides and can act as referee. Impress on him this is for the kids sake - not yours, even if you feel you have needs as well. If he’s lashing then you’re the target, not the kids. He can’t refuse a suggestion that’s for the kids sake without appearing a bad parent.
Half the battle will be getting a regular visiting schedule in place. Once that’s done “when I feel like it” shouldn’t play a part, without the risk of looking neglectful or breaking his part of the deal.

how bad is he going to be when he meets a new partner?

Tbf, sometimes a new partner makes it better. You might just need to grit your teeth for a bit and hope you can ride it out to a calmer point where there is more actual co-parenting.

He’s being petty because you ended the relationship and he’s probably heartbroken and bitter. Hopefully this will improve over time and you will start to get along better but as a warning, it may never improve.

My exH and I separated five years ago and I still have to deal with crap like this. He’s never really made much effort with them since we split and I’ve stopped bending over backwards for him recently, I’ve grown a backbone and stopped pandering to him. Sometimes it’s the only way.

Definitely contact CMS. You could take it to court, a judge would likely order EOW contact (that’s the standard).

Thanks for all your replies. I’m going to see how it plays out over the next month. I’m prepared for the worst (he doesn’t want to pay for them or see them) so anything more than that won’t be a disappointment xx

My ex wanted to be like this - said he would let me know if he could have her week to week as it suited him.

This is a method of controlling you as you'll never quite know where you are with things.

I said you either commit to the routine or I make alternative arrangements and I won't change the routine in your whim. If this means you don't see her, that's down to you and not me. Routine is important for a child's wellbeing.

He hasn't missed contact as per the routine once. Arrangements were 1 set day in the week and one day per weekend, now 1 overnight in the week and every other weekend sat/sun.

After a couple of years when he was less angry that I'd ended things we got to the point where we could change the arrangements by mutual arrangements (eg if he or I needed to be at work on a different day.

He still plays up sometimes. I was only working 2 days when she was tiny so I was always around. When I increased my hours when she went to school, I worked at home most of the time. All that time he's made no fuss about arrangements.

I recently changed jobs so I'm now FT and this meant quite big changes to the routine. I'm still at home 2 days a week, but the rest of the week I have no flexibility without prior notice. He's been trying to change up the days every week since! He's settling down again now - took a lot of saying no on my part. Trying to sabotage my new job - he's angry I get paid more than him now.

@Isleepinahedgefund - oh dear! This is how I see it being with my ex too! He basically thinks because I’ll be so desperate for a break that I’ll let him show up when it suits him even if he’s messed me about. The truth is, when it gets to the end of a long week and I’ve had no time to myself to even have a shower without interruption it’s hard to say ‘no your not having them’ but I think I’ll need to be strong, set a routine and make sure he sticks to it x

He cancelled his overnight with the kids last night and instead said he’d come and take them out today. I then made plans myself for when the kids were out. As he was leaving he said ‘will you be home for me dropping them back?’ I explained I’ve got plans and I’ll be home for dinner time. He went off on one. Called me a ‘sneaky cow’ for making plans and not telling him because he was apparently going to take them out for an hour or 2 then drop them back home.
How am I the one being sneaky by thinking that he’d be taking them for the day? The truth is, if I told him I had plans he would have more than likely cancelled on me and I wouldn’t have been able to go out.
It infuriating and he’s got me pissed off and worked up and now he’s away and I’m still here feeling annoyed.x

He’s game playing. Unfortunately that can happen (both ways IME) a lot in the first 6-8 months after a split.

Not sure why people of both genders can’t be a lot more mature and realise it’s just dickish behaviour which can often impact their DC. I think you’d be best to continue trying to get a routine in place and keep a diary / log of what he agrees to vs what actually then happens.