My heart is breaking for an elderly female relative of mine.
She has been married over 50 years. Her husband is not a good man. He has never hit her or laid a finger on her, he doesn't drink, swear, or gamble, he is a respected pillar of the community who has worked hard and provided well for their family, but he has ruined her life.
He is controlling and exacting to a huge degree. She had a pet she loved - one day she came home and it was gone - he was sick of its hair on the sofa. She has not worked since they got married, he controls all the money down to every penny. He tells her what to wear and how to wear it. She has never learnt to drive. She liked a certain type of music, and he destroyed her tapes.
Here's the thing. For years, it was OK. It was liveable. He worked long hours, and she devoted herself to her family of four children, then later, her grandchildren. She is a woman who never asked for much - all she ever wanted was to get married and have children,and they were her everything. She had some lovely times, days out with the other mothers she met through church, picnics at the beach while her husband was working. She has always been very lucky in that she had lots of female relatives and friends who she knew from childhood.
They are all dead now. All of them. Her last dear friend died two years ago, her children have pulled further and further away, as their father tried to exert the same control he held over them as children into adulthood.
He has finally retired - he worked for years past "official" retirement age. His health has declined - we think he may have early onset dementia, though it's hard to tell and she'll never get him to a doctor, not until the situation is desperate. It's hard to tell what could be a medical problem, and what is merely the behaviour of a controlling man who is getting old, grumpy and bitter over his position in the world slipping into one of little importance. The grandchildren are growing up, and also don't want to spend any time around him, which cuts out my relative as he now insists on going everywhere with her.
Basically what I'm saying is, it will only get worse. If you are in a similar marriage and you feel like you can cope and manage right now/it's worth staying for the children/for financial reasons, chances are your DH is still young enough to work and follow his hobbies. Chances are you may only spend a few hours a day in his company. This isn't the worst part of your relationship. That is up ahead.
The most awful thing for my relative, from what she tells me, is that she now has no hope. Time is running out for her. When she was younger, even when things were awful, there was always the hope they could change, but now her time is running out, and her life has shrunk down and the likelihood of it changing is slim- I and another relative are supporting her and would offer her a place to stay/help to leave, but the chances of that are slim.
I probably haven't done a very good job of describing the situation, but it's honestly horrifying. There is no violence but a constant underlying dread of his contained aggression and verbal abuse. At a time of her life when she should be resting and enjoying herself, she wakes up every morning dreading what is to come, and she gets practically no respite, and she can't get away. Hearing the descriptions of her life, it's claustrophobic just to listen to.
I have her permission to post this - I was in a bad relationship in my younger days and she supported me when I left, and I have seen a lot of the red flags I missed in MN posts since--they're all the same, these men.
I am just so heartbroken for her and so devestated that this is where someone's life can end up.