Half a person after divorce - I will never get over it

[Destroyed1]

I divorced my ex because I often used to walk on eggshells around him, he used to give me the silent treatment for weeks on end during which time I would be in emotional agony, and I couldn’t stand the lack of joint decision making over very big things.

I knew getting divorced would be difficult, and it was horrible. We were in the same house for months and months not talking, during which time he immediately got together with someone else, and I had to endure listening to his very late night and very long phone calls. I don’t know if they are still together.

He moved out 14 months ago now, but my problem is that I cannot get over the grief. We were together for 22 years, and have 3 dc. While there was a lot I found difficult about him, there was also a lot that I liked. He had lost all interest in me however, or so it seemed, and though I tried to keep it together for years, in the end I couldn’t any more.

The silent treatment continues in that I send ex logistical messages about the kids, which he rarely acknowledges or answers.

Due to his living arrangements, he is in the (my) house every afternoon with the dc after they come home from school, but our paths don’t cross.

There is a load of his stuff in the house I have been asking him about, what does he want to keep, get rid of etc, he ignores those messages too. He then told dd that I shouldn’t “throw his stuff away”.

It’s depressing that we cannot speak to each other, but he recently weirdly suggested that I go on holiday with him and the dc so to say that I am confused is putting it mildly. I asked him if we could meet up to talk about it, he ignored those messages, so now I am not going on holiday with them because of course how can I ?

Worse than all this is that I really loved him. I cannot get together with anyone else because they would not be him. It has always been him that I wanted, but aspects of the way he was were too hard in the end.

Sometimes the grief is overwhelming, and I honestly think this thing is going to destroy me and I will always be broken.

It’s the feeling of being hated which is hard to bear.

Have been through a similar situation, but not as bad as yours. I recognise how you're feeling. Like it's not actually real, or like you can hardly breathe. Have you seen Stranger Things? I tell people it's like living in the upside down (ignore that if you haven't seen it).

I'm 2 years down the line, and though I still cry about it/him a few times a week, I'm better than I could ever have imagined. All I can say is hang in there. You can't see the shore now but I promise it's worth it - just keep rowing.

You sound like the female version of me
Its been 4 years
eventually I put her stuff in a storage unit - which I paid 6 month in advance for and gave her the key.
I only truly started to recover when I moved house
Just hang in there it will get better

I thought about moving too, but decided to completely redecorate instead.

His opinion of you will mean less and less over time, as your love and respect for him fade away. God it's torture isn't it.

Turn to your friends as much as you can. Cry as much as you can - I had to bottle it up due to working full time and being a single mum. It is a horrible form of grief.

This holiday idea sounds really weird. As if the situation isn't already confusing as hell.

From now on, what he wants and does is nothing to do with you. What I mean is that you have to put yourself, your needs and your wishes first without thought of him.

So, first. Give him a time limit to get his stuff otherwise you will pack and leave them on his doorstep/charity whatever.

Secondly, do not accept him coming round every afternoon and if there si no choice then you take advantage of that and work, go to the gym or do whatever you want but do not be in the house.

Third, make sure custody agreement fits in with you and your life.

Have you actually got any breathing space and any time to develop your career or social life?

Once you start to separate yourself physically from him, it will get easier and give you a proper chance of moving on with your life.

oh dear, My ex is similar in that he still tries to control me, and finds it ok not to respond to messages about anything, just not pay maintenance etc.

You need to detach from him so you can move on. Ban him from your house for a start - how can you grieve and heal if you're seeing and talking to him? Of course you can't.

The holiday thing is a headfuck. He's still messing with your head.

You need to detach detach and detach - easier said than done (and I know this) but try and find a way so that you dont need to talk to him, and if you do, you can find a way not to be impacted by his response or lack of a response.

I know it's hard - mine now only has control in that he pays maintenance - I'm seriously thinking of moving to a cheaper area though just so I don't need this anymore.

This is the worst pain - you have been discarded.

You had THE CHEEK to give him boundaries and abandon him, so now you no longer exist.

You are also extremely easy to replace.

It is hard OP, to face you spend your life with someone who never really connected to you. Just go through the grief there is no other way.
It helps to forgive. He loved you as much as he was able to.

People change OP sadly you are still in love with the man he used to be not the man he is anymore he doesn’t exist any longer and yes that can be painful but you can also use this to help yourself from thinking of how things could be or having fantasies about getting back together and everything working out.

He is controlling you! Silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse and you shouldn’t have to put up with this any longer from him now you are divorced. If I was you I would pack up all his stuff in boxes for him to sort through what he wants and doesn’t (this shouldn’t be your issue) and next time he turns up tell him he needs to take them as you don’t want them in YOUR house. You need to set some clear boundaries for yourself even if you do have DC together it sounds like he can freely come and go as he pleases and this isn’t going to help you emotionally heal in any way. Can he not see your DC after school at his house? Or outside of the house?

Set some boundaries for yourself OP and stick to them and you will heal and be able to move on with your life but not when his man can still do as he pleases within your life.

How can you move on when things are still so intertwined? Get him and his stuff out of your house. Once you actually have the space from him you can mourn the loss of the relationship you wanted to have with him. It’s not the relationship you did have though.

‘he used to give me the silent treatment for weeks on end during which time I would be in emotional agony’

That’s the reality of what you had. It’s heartbreaking because you obviously loved him and he treated you with such disregard. No one deserves to be treated so cruelly. I think you need to look at why you feel that ‘it’s depressing that we cannot speak to each other’ and why you care so much what he feels bout you - ‘the feeling of being hated ... is hard to bear.‘ That seems to echo what you felt when you were still married to him. You divorced him because you didn’t want to feel that way and yet you still are. The paperwork might be done but you still sound like you’re very emotionally involved and his views and opinions hold great sway on your mood.

You need to start rebuilding your sense of self and focus on yourself more. Never mind getting together with anyone else. Look at getting stronger in yourself. Your happiness shouldn’t be dependent on someone else’s mood. You’re obviously a strong person because you chose to divorce him rather than continuing in a broken relationship and you managed to survive living with him after the breakup though he made it difficult for you. You’re still coping with him in your home every day. You’ve done 90% of the work. You just need to pack up his ukulele and other crap and kick out the foot he still had wedged in your door.

You can't move on if he's in your face still abusing you and taking the piss every day.
All he's doing is continuing the trauma - and he's now involving your dc in his abusive games.

Due to his living arrangements, he is in the (my) house every afternoon with the dc after they come home from school, but our paths don’t cross
You are not responsible for him in any way, shape or form.
Stop letting him in YOUR home which is meant to be YOUR safe space.
He either makes his own arrangements to see the kids away from your home - or you arrange childcare.

There is a load of his stuff in the house I have been asking him about, what does he want to keep, get rid of
Again - this is not your responsibility to hang onto/sort.
Bag it all up, text him to say he needs to pick it up by X day/time or it will be disposed of.

He will keep ignoring all this because that's his abusive nature - so after the deadline has passed you get rid of it.
Keep screenshots of your texts to him and his lack of response.

Personally, i wouldn't bother entertaining his piss-taking or trying to accommodate him in any way if he refuses to communicate properly.
Let him go to court for access if he wants to see dc, you can bet they will tell him to stick to a plan and arrange contact outside of your home.
I hope you've applied for maintenance off him?

The only way you will get through this successfully is by taking your power back - especially in your own home.

Thanks for all your messages.

It's exactly that, I have been discarded.

The dc are not young - they are teens. He comes to the house because where he is at the moment is not particularly suitable for them to go to. He is trying to settle himself somewhere else, but it might take a while. He tries to take them out at weekends as well, but invariably only one will go, often the youngest.

It's difficult because it's the family home, and they are his kids. There is a lot of bitterness and resentment on his part towards me I think. The settlement was financially fair (and he did not disclose all his accounts so who knows), but I remained in the family home to which he had huge ties. He also thinks that I don't deserve my portion of the settlement, but that's another story.

It's difficult to just start chucking stuff out when there are dc involved, as he is their Dad. I have been patient and polite and asked and asked. Now that I have started shifting some stuff because I have asked and he has not replied (not sentimental stuff but old clothes and shoes that he was obviously not interested in), he has told dd2 that I shouldn't throw his stuff away. FWIW I am hanging on to some stuff for him but it is much neater and more manageable than the huge ugly pile that was there before. That does leave some stuff that I would like to see the back of however.

His argument would be that where he is is too small - but that doesn't really wash. He owns another property which is empty and which he could store the stuff in. Or he could sort through it and discover he doesn't want a lot of it, but he hasn't done this either.

I guess one of the things I find hardest is the long standing silence between us - in the run up to the divorce, and now of course. We never come face to face because I make sure that we don't. The last time we spoke was in September, and that was because he rang to shout at me about part of the divorce bill.

So it is hugely dysfunctional, and it feels awful and shameful. And I am very alone, surrounded by this awful silence, while he carries on relating to the dc (as he should of course). I feel a little like a hated pariah.

I send him logistical messages about the dc because I have to sometimes, and he ignores most of them - 99%. Well he might go and do what he needs to do, but he answers no messages.

Which begs the question - why did he suggest I went on holiday with them?

‘It's difficult because it's the family home, and they are his kids’

You are divorced. It’s not his home anymore. Allowing him to come and go every day and leaving his things around isn’t doing you any favours.

‘It's difficult to just start chucking stuff out when there are dc involved, as he is their Dad.’

Why not do as the poster above suggested? Put his things into storage, pay for a fixed time and email and post the details to him, letting him know that if he chooses not to collect it he’ll lose it.

Are you avoiding dealing with it so that he’s still in your life in some ways? Do you want him to keep visiting and to keep his things around you to keep some connection with him?

Are you avoiding dealing with it so that he’s still in your life in some ways? Do you want him to keep visiting and to keep his things around you to keep some connection with him?

No - the stuff I would like gone, and I have asked him many times, as well as given him deadlines which have come and gone. I don't mind hanging on to one or two bits, but not the huge amount that was there before (which I have now reduced a bit, but he has now explicitly said not to throw stuff away).

I guess I don't want him telling the dc that I am awful because I got rid of x, y and z. I already got rid of some scrap metal (a gate) which he had apparently wanted, but how am I supposed to know that 14 months after he has moved out.

I wouldn't be able to pay for a fixed term storage unit, though it is a good idea.

Though I am sure I am still attached.

Storage units are cheap, move it all in, pay £40 for a month, give your ex the key and tell him the next bill is due in August.

Honestly I know where you are emotionally and you've got to toughen up.

It'll never end, my ExH, years after we've divorced still sends random texts trying to tell me what to do. I've found a emoji works just fine as a response.

Stop texting him about the kids. It'll piss him off no end that you're not dangling at the end of his string anymore.

Yes I think I should stop texting him about them. It's hard though. As they live with me full time at the moment, sometimes I need to because there is stuff he doesn't know.

Even if I did set up a storage unit, it would be in my name, and he is incredibly pig headed, and would not go and pick anything up.

It's not about the stuff though really, really I don't know how to shake the horror at how things ended between us. Over a protracted period of time .

You are also extremely easy to replace. Why do you think that is @ScreamingLadySutch?

mine is the same OP. Has massive resentment because he thinks I've got his pension (the house). Still feels it's is - we're 4 years down the line and he still tells the doctor and the bank this is his address. I've shopped him for fraud to his bank. He's living with another woman now!

I'd tell him that you're getting rid of his stuff by x date and he should pick it up by then.

As the dc are teens, he can entertain them out of the house. There's no need for him to be there at all. You're allowing him to perpetuate his hold over you and his feeling that the house is his. STop that now. He has no right to be in your Home. It's your home not his house. My exH used to make excuses to come in all the time, but I keep him on the doorstep now. And let the children interact with him.

You will be able to move on much more when he has less control over you.

He owns another property which is empty and which he could store the stuff in
Or move into AND take his kids there?
Or rent it out and use the money to find his own place nearby if this house is too far away for work etc?

See? His life and stuff are not your responsibility anymore AND he has options - but he won't take those options because he knows he's got you where he wants you - feeling guilty and accommodating him.

Don't waste your money on storage facilities - give him a deadline and if it isn't picked up by that date then either put the stuff out for the bin men, take it to charity shop or the dump.
As with all ultimatums - you have to follow through with the consequences.

It sounds as if you need some counselling or CBT . Yes - the practicalities are important to sort out BUT you seem to set your worth by being attached to him . Stop messaging him - your kids are old enough to have a family WhatsApp chat group with him . It sounds like you are hanging onto things just to be in touch with him - any contact even bad is better than none ? You have the rest of your life ahead of you . One day you will look back and yes while you can feel sad about the end of a relationship you will realise he has done you a favour .

Counselling might help. That and not letting him into the house! That should be your solo space now!

I think it helps to stop seeing life as some race to an end goal of 'happily married pensioners', the end.

Life is a journey of good and bad experiences but they are all experiences none the less which ultimately make you stronger and wiser or enrich your life somehow. Eg you were never meant to end up with this arsehole but he provided you with your wonderful DC and taught you a lot. Give yourself some time to grieve for what you thought would be and then embrace the new exciting life ahead. None of what he did is about you. So don't let that affect your self esteem. It was all his own decisions because of his own issues. We are just the sum of our actions. And we can only act on the information we have at the time. Your new information is that he's a dick and you can't help that. You can help how you react and overcome this. I know this sounds like trite clichés but it's true OP. Best wishes and good luck. Time will heal.

The dc do communicate with him, but there are some things which I need to let him know, which they wouldn’t pass on.

If I said no you can’t set foot in the house to see the dc, they would practically never see him. Then it would feel like I was lording it in a house while he slums it without even seeing his kids. He will be settled, I am just not sure how long it will take.

But it’s not even these things - it’s the awful sense of desolation and loss. I am constantly staring into some kind of abyss that no longer contains him.

And though his behaviour made the relationship impossible, there are things which I had done differently in the marriage, and it’s difficult to shake the regret.

And seeing him upset about the divorce was awful - however awful he had been to me .

I missed your message Signed, I am reading it now.

Which I wish I had done differently.

You're perpetuating your pain and delaying your recovery while you let him in the house. His seeing the DCs is not your responsibility. It's his. And theirs too if they're teens.

Your guilt over the divorce is a separate matter. I suggest you get counselling. He's still manipulating you imo . Plenty of manipulative men turn on the tears - full of self pity. It works. Also the silent treatment works - you feel disempowered and that's what they want.

None of this is your problem. Don’t let him in your house, if he can’t come in he will find somewhere else.
Give him a time limit to come and get his shit or it goes in the bin.
If he chooses not to speak or see he’s children that’s on him.
You need to disengage or you will never move on. You owe him nothing.