Half a person after divorce - I will never get over it

[Destroyed1]

I divorced my ex because I often used to walk on eggshells around him, he used to give me the silent treatment for weeks on end during which time I would be in emotional agony, and I couldn’t stand the lack of joint decision making over very big things.

I knew getting divorced would be difficult, and it was horrible. We were in the same house for months and months not talking, during which time he immediately got together with someone else, and I had to endure listening to his very late night and very long phone calls. I don’t know if they are still together.

He moved out 14 months ago now, but my problem is that I cannot get over the grief. We were together for 22 years, and have 3 dc. While there was a lot I found difficult about him, there was also a lot that I liked. He had lost all interest in me however, or so it seemed, and though I tried to keep it together for years, in the end I couldn’t any more.

The silent treatment continues in that I send ex logistical messages about the kids, which he rarely acknowledges or answers.

Due to his living arrangements, he is in the (my) house every afternoon with the dc after they come home from school, but our paths don’t cross.

There is a load of his stuff in the house I have been asking him about, what does he want to keep, get rid of etc, he ignores those messages too. He then told dd that I shouldn’t “throw his stuff away”.

It’s depressing that we cannot speak to each other, but he recently weirdly suggested that I go on holiday with him and the dc so to say that I am confused is putting it mildly. I asked him if we could meet up to talk about it, he ignored those messages, so now I am not going on holiday with them because of course how can I ?

Worse than all this is that I really loved him. I cannot get together with anyone else because they would not be him. It has always been him that I wanted, but aspects of the way he was were too hard in the end.

Sometimes the grief is overwhelming, and I honestly think this thing is going to destroy me and I will always be broken.

It’s the feeling of being hated which is hard to bear.

Sorry but you do not still need to text / tell him things about the kids. They are old enough to have their own relationship with him and it has nothing to do with you any more. He does not need to come to the house to see them, he can meet them elsewhere. How he / they arrange it is of no concern of yours whatsoever. As already said put his things in to storage and he pays. Stop communicating with him full stop.

They absolutely do have their own relationship with him that I have nothing to do with - but it saddens me that we are not able to co-parent, as many divorced parents are able to do.

And there would be many child related things to talk about. Various school and mental health related issues for example.

I also think it would be good for the dc if they could see their parents could talk to each other.

But more than this, how is it that this person whom I have kids with, whom I was married to, is now someone I actively avoid and cannot even say hello to for fear of being ignored etc...

I will be on my way to work, he will drive past to pick the kids up, and I can’t even look up for fear I will be ignored if I say hello.

Sometimes I feel as if I exist in an awful parallel universe.

I don't co-parent with my exh OP. In fact he does no parenting at all. I make all the decisions about my dc, take them to the doctors, do everything. I applied for school places with NO input from him. I am currently appealing with no input from him. I'm having Dd2 assessed for some issues - nothing from him .

ExH disney-dads every so often.

It's just the way it is. There's nothing I can do about it - it would just make me frustrated to try to make him do things. I accepted a long time ago that I should concentrate on the children and being the best parent I can. What he does is his decision. His choice and ultimately his loss.

Re the second part - your sadnesss. Yes. But you get over it. You really do. And then you feel lucky to be free of the marriage and happy wtih your amazing existence and your amazing children and you start to enjoy your life. You need to grieve your marriage and move on.

OP you can get out of this but you have to want to.

Take charge of some things. Your home, for starters. His stuff needs to go. Get a clearance firm to come quite to remove it, send him the quote, and give them the go ahead if he doesn't shift his crap in a month.

Don't keep messaging him about stuff. Limit yourself to a fortnightly or monthly email. Factual stuff. Don't get drawn into chat, you are just telling him facts.

Stop hankering after what you can't deliver and provide what you can : a strong self sufficient mother who rules her own space.

You can't make him be what you want. You can work on you.

You can't make someone co-parent, it's clear he doesn't want to play the same way you do and the result is you are utterly miserable.

So you have two choices. One, carry on in the hope he changes, realises he had it all wrong and start communicating like an adult with the mother of his children or two, you change your actions so the results for you are better.

It's very easy for us to have clarity on your situation (obviously only based on the details you've given) so apologies if it comes across as being blunt but honestly I can see me in your story it's just that I'm 7 years on from it. I had some bloody harsh support on here but my gosh they were milestones in my recovery from a shit relationship.

I think you're in urgent need of someone to hear how you're feeling, to pour it all out face to face. I completely relate to the staring into the abyss/parallel universe/being discarded. I've read on here many times about the sudden switch from love to total hard indifference, and it's happened to me. Makes you doubt your grasp on reality.

You sound very sad and that's an important stage, but don't resist your healthy anger too.

How dare he treat you so shockingly? How dare he!! He sounds loathsome to me and I've never met him.

You'll come out stronger

In the kindest possible way, why on earth did you even bother getting divorced?
It's exactly the same as your married situation but in a slightly different format.
He's still a bully-boy and you accommodate him in a very weak/ meek fashion.

You have been given some very good advice on this thread, but you are consistently full of excuses because perhaps you are scared of actually changing the situation, hence he is doing what he is doing and why wouldn't he!?

You really don’t need to tell him things about the DCs - he can set up arrangements to hear what he needs to know with the school and doctors. They are used to dealing with divorced parents.

Equally for your own sanity and your children’s mental health let him go. I would also mention that your allowing of him to still spend so much time around you would be causing a lot of heartache for his new partner. Not that she is any more of your responsibility than he is, but you will make life a lot easier for your DCs if you don’t become bitter and hard hearted.

Show your DCs that life goes on, even after heartbreak. Set an example to them that says ‘you don’t need to let someone treat you this badly’. Learn to let yourself put ‘You’ first for a change. It’s not selfish - it’s good for you to be kind to yourself, especially at difficult times.

I would also mention that your allowing of him to still spend so much time around you would be causing a lot of heartache for his new partner. Not that she is any more of your responsibility than he is, but you will make life a lot easier for your DCs if you don’t become bitter and hard hearted.

He spends no time around me at all, ever. He spends it with the dcs while I am at work. I am hurt beyond measure, but not bitter or hard hearted. Whether or not he still has a partner I have no idea, and is not a consideration, or at all relevant,

I think you're in urgent need of someone to hear how you're feeling, to pour it all out face to face. I completely relate to the staring into the abyss/parallel universe/being discarded. I've read on here many times about the sudden switch from love to total hard indifference, and it's happened to me. Makes you doubt your grasp on reality.

Yes, very hard, and yes I often think I need to find someone to talk about it to, who might be able to reframe it for me.

You can't make him be what you want. You can work on you. Yes there might be some relief in trying to let go of the anguish and the what ifs.

The loss of family life as we used to know it is hard to bear, but I am trying to remember that I got divorced for my dc. Because I didn’t want them to think that how it was between me and my ex during the last few years was any kind of blueprint for a loving relationship.

Do you want to get back together ?

I understand exactly how you feel.
The loss of family life when the children become older teens (and you get along with them as adults ) is devastating.

No one ever talks about that. Especially not on mumsnet

Hi lovely. You're still dancing to his tune and trying to accommodate him and his feelings when he's doing the opposite.

Do not let him set foot in your house again. He's got plenty of opportunities to see his kids outside of your house. How he does that is not your responsibility.

Send him one last and final message about his belongings. If he moans to the kids, tell them that he's had plenty of opportunities to get his stuff but hasn't wanted to, so doing see why you should keep hold of it.

Do nor communicate with him at all. Deal with stuff yourself and let him find out for himself what he needs to know about the kids- asking them etc. The vile arrogant bastard is ignoring you even though you go out of your way to keep him in the loop? He can bugger off and if he complains tell him that you'll gladly go back to keeping him informed when he gets some manners and replies or acknowledges what you tell him.

You got out because of your kids but what you're doing and accepting us also damaging to them. You've got yo let them see that you won't be treated like a doormat and that their father's behaviour is not acceptable. Otherwise, what are you teaching them by accepting it?

Do you want to get back together?

I would like to - or I would, if several things were different. I couldn’t go back to the situation as it was, so we would have to learn a new way of being together. The biggest thing for me is that he would have to be much more straightforward, honest and open, and I am not sure that he is capable of it. Judging by his attitude now, it doesn’t seem like he has realised much about his behaviour. He told me I had wanted the divorce because I wanted the house - and I think this is probably what he tells himself not to have to confront or come to terms with his own behaviour.

I'm sorry to say but this has been obvious from the start of your post . You do not want to sever contact with him. As I said before "any contact is good contact even if bad". This is the biggest hindrance to your new and future life and unless you actually look back properly at what your life was like ( as mentioned in your OP) you are going to continue in this same way . This is why you are staring into the abyss . It is of your own making.

On the contrary crimson, there are plenty of people’s posts that have really helped - @MrsBertBibby, @AnnaNimmity, and many others .

It is a process however, this is a forum for discussion and thought.

I don’t have any contact with him. The contact he has is with my kids. If they were not around, I would have no knowledge of him. It is not really about wanting to maintain contact. He is in the home with them sometimes, because a situation in which he never saw them and they in some way thought I was deliberately cutting their contact with him would be worse.

The fact that I wish we didn’t have to get divorced and feel all kinds of feelings, is a separate issue.

He is in my hkmew

Sorry, typo at the end.

I send him logistical messages about the dc

and you have his stuff in your house - this is "contact "

Hello OP, could you send your exDH a recorded signed for letter stating he has x number of days to remove all items of his from your house. After which you will remove them and will donate to charity/bin. Also noting how long you have been trying to get rid and previous requests to him.
Or you could get a solicitor to draw something up?

You need to move. Sell him the house if need be, move. Stop living in limbo.

Place all of his stuff in a box and fling it in the garage. Tell him if it isn't gone by X date, then it's going to the tip.

Oh.... and the best way to get over a guy, is to get under another one.

Sounds flippant, but it is so true, in my opinion. Start dating. I say this as someone who left a 20 year marriage. I am now married again and it's great.

He is in the home with them sometimes, because a situation in which he never saw them and they in some way thought I was deliberately cutting their contact with him would be worse.

Why on earth do you imagine that your dc will blame you if he doesn't contact them? This is nonsense. You are simply justifying your own misplaced guilt by claiming that you are worrying about what they will feel. Are you one of those people who micro-manage? Or are you one of those people who live in constant fear of what others might think of you?

It is their relationship with their father. Stop trying to manage it.
You are also doing your dc no favours - they also need to see the situation for what it is, not your airbrushed sparkly unicorn version. They can deal with reality far better than this fog of pretense. They also need the space to adjust and grow up.

The biggest thing for me is that he would have to be much more straightforward, honest and open, and I am not sure that he is capable of it.

Stop trying to manage how he is. Seriously! Stop 'asking' him to move his stuff. Stop giving him the chance to be honest and 'nice'. He is what he is and it is nothing to do with you.

Stop sabotaging yourself with all these excuses. You need to pull your pants up and get on with your life.

There's a book that really helped me - You Can Heal Your Heart by Louise Hay.

I totally understand wanting him back, but wanting a nicer version of him. I sometimes still feel that about xh. The thing is - and it's easy to say but harder to believe - he's not that person, that's just not who he is.

I am really shocked that my last message was deleted??
There was nothing in the content at all that could cause any offence.