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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've decided I'm leaving tomorrow

71 replies

leavingtomorrow · 01/07/2019 00:27

My ex has finally destroyed me to the point where I feel I have no choice but to leave everything to him. I have five children with him and since we split he has blamed me for ruining his life. I left after 20 years and he moved out to live with my mother, very close by but he's still controlling every aspect of my life. Tonight after more abuse from him I have decided that I will leave and let him have everything that he wants. Hopefully the children will understand one day that I have done this as the only way to get away from the stress that is killing me

OP posts:
IABUQueen · 01/07/2019 00:31

1- he is staying with YOUR mother ?? Can you ask her to kick him out ?

2- do you mean leaving the children to him and disappearing?

3- can you get support externally ?

AdoraBell · 01/07/2019 00:35

Please don’t leave the children. Will your family help? Have you had legal advise, or advise/help from someone like Women’s Aid?

Original poster
leavingtomorrow · 01/07/2019 00:35

Yes my mother but she doesn't support me

I can't claim benefits as I'm a director of our company but none of the money is mine

Yes he has finally convinced me that he should move back in and have the house, the children, the dog and I will leave

OP posts:
Original poster
leavingtomorrow · 01/07/2019 00:36

I nearly left last December after a particularly bad episode where he accused me of hitting one if the kids when they were a baby but that I couldn't remember

I tried women's aid then but couldn't get through

OP posts:
Original poster
leavingtomorrow · 01/07/2019 00:37

She won't ask him to leave my brother and sister have tried

OP posts:
IABUQueen · 01/07/2019 00:45

Op don’t give him what he wants.. this will never stop he will keep trying to get back at you.

Your mother is insane for having him stay with her while he blackmails you.

Please contact woman’s aid and get support.

If he is blackmailing you with threats to ss he will continue to do that. You need to protect yourself by calling them and letting them know what he’s doing.. call woman’s aid and keep records so they support you and register his behaviour which will be in your favor if he complains about you.

You seem to be having a breakdown and need real life support. Is there a friend that can support you. Can your sister or brother help you with the kids until you are coping better ?

Original poster
leavingtomorrow · 01/07/2019 00:48

Thank you for your replies
I just feel absolutely helpless, he's controlling me completely, I just want to run away, the stress is making me ill, I genuinely believe the children would be better with him
He accused me of being insane tonight and I'm starting to believe him

OP posts:
Original poster
leavingtomorrow · 01/07/2019 00:49

We've been separated two years but he won't divorce me

OP posts:
IABUQueen · 01/07/2019 00:53

He accused me of being insane tonight and I'm starting to believe him

Shock OP you need support. Please call woman’s aid. Don’t believe him, he knows how to push your buttons and wants to make you vulnerable so he can have his way.

If you have been separated for 2 years you can soon file for divorce yourself on those grounds alone.

He is being mentally abusive and this will break any of us down if we don’t find support. Please get support from woman’s aid before you decide to leave your kids or anyone.

And perhaps stop communicating with him for a while . He knows he is getting to you and is using that to his advantage.

Neome · 01/07/2019 00:53

When I have been under severe stress I have found the Samaritans (116 123) very kind to talk to especially in the middle of the night. I'm not sure if it would be easier to get through to womens aid on 0808 2000 247at this time of day. I remember having to wait a long time to get through but it was worth it.

I spent time in a refuge several years ago. My heart goes out to you BrewFlowers

readitandwept · 01/07/2019 00:54

You know you're not insane, OP. And you know you can't and shouldn't give in to him. That is why you posted here. I'm useless, but stick around on here and talk it through. You will get a lot of good support and advice from MN. Please don't do anything for now until you've heard what people on here have to say. Thanks

Original poster
leavingtomorrow · 01/07/2019 00:55

Sorry for being stupid but what kind of support can women's aid offer? I think you're right, I'm probably having some kind of breakdown

OP posts:
Original poster
leavingtomorrow · 01/07/2019 00:56

I've already spoken to the Samaritans and the lady was so nice I just cried and cried
I really don't want to leave the children but feel I have no choice

OP posts:
bubblegum2019 · 01/07/2019 01:52

So sorry you feel this way OP Flowers

Maybe you need to get away for a little while on your own to clear your head but please don’t leave your children. Try calling women’s aid again in the morning as I’m sure they will be able to help you in many ways. He sounds very controlling and like he has broken you down so much but find that last little bit of strength within for your children and most importantly YOURSELF. x

Neome · 01/07/2019 01:57

Women's Aid helped me but it was a long time ago. If there are any other options perhaps Women's Aid would know? Sadly they probably know of other women who have faced something similar.

If it's not a daft or too nosey question, if this was happening to someone else what would they ideally need?

DrinkTaboo · 01/07/2019 02:16

OP, you need support, it's as simple as that. Call Women's Aid, see what they say, what have you got to lose?

I think you need to try and have a break in the short-term. Can you go to a friend's house? Or family? If they live far away even better, go have a few days, phone turned off.

Try and get some rest away from all the mess. Then come back kicking. He wants this and that, tough shit. Tell him to stay away from you. Call the police if needs be.

You don't need his permission to divorce him. If he fights it, let him but in the end you will win. Get some legal advice.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 01/07/2019 02:34

You do have a choice! Do NOT leave your children or.your home. He could and probably will direct his anger to your children. You are alot stronger than you know. He can be made to leave your mothers home. They can kick him out or call the law. Your mom is enabling that demon. Get help however you can. You are in my prayers.

Hidingtonothing · 01/07/2019 02:43

OP I know the main Women's Aid helpline can be really difficult to get through to but have you tried your local services? If you scroll down this page www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ til you get to 'Search by region or local authority' and then enter your area it will give you details for local support services. They're not usually open 24 hours like the national line but you should at least get through during office hours. Please don't do anything til you've had some proper advice and support Flowers

Original poster
leavingtomorrow · 01/07/2019 05:54

Thank you for all your comments, I managed to sleep a bit but I've woken with a terrible headache and can't stop crying.

I've tried the 24hr number loads of times throughout the night and I can't get through. I'm so worried that if I ask for help they will say I can't look after the children if I decide to stay anyway.

I really don't feel like me at all

OP posts:
NotMaryWhitehouse · 01/07/2019 06:07

@leavingtomorrow keep trying them OP. You can do this.

Why don't you make yourself a coffee to bring up to bed. Get the radio on. It's morning now and today is the day you stop taking all his shit.

Wallywobbles · 01/07/2019 06:09

Really that is not going to happen. There are things that can be put in place to make this all less awful. Lots of us have been to the brink. The most important is to create yourself some mental space away from him and your mum. So NC for you. Every single thing to go through your lawyer or a third party.

Start by writing down a timeline. With every single shitty thing that's happened and that he's done. Leave a lot of blank pages so you can add stuff as you remember it.

Then write a list of what you'd like in YOUR ideal scenario/outcome.

How are you financially? Is your lawyer any good? If not change lawyers. My 4th lawyer was with me for 9 years of head fuckery. She wasn't expensive and was brilliant. So don't be afraid of that change.

Tell us as much as you can about the situation. Does he know that you use MN? Is it a safe place for you? Use this thread to let us work out how to help. That is what MN is good at. Good luck.

Original poster
leavingtomorrow · 01/07/2019 06:16

He kept two of the boys at my mums last night. But the others are asking up now and I can't stop crying. I'm so ashamed

All money is joint still, but I do have money that's mine from another source. He wants that too

I really don't know where to turn

OP posts:
Original poster
leavingtomorrow · 01/07/2019 06:16

Thanks @Wallywobbles I have switched lawyers once but they aren't doing anything

OP posts:
ItsNotWhatItIs · 01/07/2019 06:23

How old are your children op?

Original poster
leavingtomorrow · 01/07/2019 06:26

9, 11, 11, 14, 16

OP posts:
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